Taxi S4E16 Script

Jim and the Kid (1982)

(theme song playing)


TONY: Hey, Louie?

Go ahead, Banta. What is it?

TONY: Louie? Hey, Louie, I got a ten-year-old in my cab.

And I just found out he's a runaway.

He owes me 12 bucks, and turns out, he's only got two.

He won't tell me where he lives.

Bring that little crook in here.

We're gonna find out who his parents are and sweat that money out of them.

All right, Louie, I'm bringing him in.

Come on, now, you're scaring the kid half to death.

Come on, say something nice to him now, make him feel better.

Calm him down a little bit, please?

LOUIE: Sure, sure, Banta, sure.

Hey, kid, uh, do you like Little League?

Yes.

Do you like soccer?

Yes.

You like jail?

No!

Don't worry about it.

Ah! Oh, come on...

Bring him over here, bring him over...

Look at this, huh?

This is the criminal mastermind who outsmarted Banta.

ELAINE: Oh!

Louie! Come here.

Go on. Sit down, honey.

Hey. Hey, Lou...

Come on, Lou, huh? Now, what's your name, honey?

Terry.

Terry. Terry, uh, what's your last name?

I forget.

No question he's a match for Banta.

Hey, Louie, would you take it easy here?

We're trying to help this kid.

I already helped him.

I called the cops.

ELAINE: What? Louie! That's right. That's right.

ALEX: What's the matter with you?

The police. Thumbscrews.

Oh.

Batons.

This little crook is into this company for 13 bucks.

I've never been able to do this.

That's because... (clears throat)

You shouldn't be thinking about a card or how you hold it.

Just be the card.

Be the hat.

I don't... Don't question!

Be.

Hey!

Whoa! Does that work for everything?

I don't know.

It always worked for me for parallel parking.

Hey, Terry, listen, you got to go home, so you got to tell us where you live.

I won't go home.

Uh, may... May I say something?

When I was a boy...

(laughs and clears throat)

I ran away from home once.

It was an important experience for me.

If somebody had called the police and taken me home right away, who knows?

I might never have turned out to be the man I am today.

Yeah, you see that, kid?

Tell us your name before your brain sprouts fungus.

We'll take care of him, Louie.

He belongs to our species.

Sit down, kid. Sit down.

Now, Terry, think about your mother.

She must be worried sick.

You know, I have a little son and if he ever ran away, it would kill me.

You know what he does when he gets upset with me?

He just stops talking to me.

He just won't say a word, you know?

Now don't you think that's a lot better than running away and making me worry?

I hate it when they do that!

Oh, Elaine.

Listen, kid, um, Elaine's got a point there about how worried your parents must be over in, uh...

Where did you say they lived?

Come on, kid, now talk, or we're gonna have to start tickling it out of ya.

Nice try, Alex.

You know, he reminds me more and more of myself.

He's not going back, and neither am I.

Okay.

Thanks, Mister.

Just call me Jim.

LOUIE: Ah!

Okay, where's the kid?

LOUIE: Oh. Oh, good.

ALEX: So, what's this?

We got a bright one.

Uh, hey, don't worry, Terry.

This guy's just here to help you. Don't worry.

All right, come on, here, here.

This is the little crook who owes me $13, and it's your job to get it out of him any way you can.

You prod me one more time, I'm gonna show you eight places you can beat a man and leave no marks.

Aw, so what? So what?

So you're big, so you're black, so you got a badge, so you got a gun.

I'm a dead man.

Yeah. Thanks for smiling, Captain.

Sorry. Sorry.

Come on, son.

(whispers) Whoa. Close. This close.

(knocking)

MAN (on TV): weather when we return.

Who is it?

It's me, Terry, the kid from the garage.

The one I established a liking for so quickly?

I guess.

Oh.

Come in. Come in.

How did you get away from the police?

Well, they said, "Go sit in that chair, kid."

So I did.

Then after a while, I got up and walked out.

Was anybody hurt?

Well, good.

Wha-What are...

What are you doing here?

I was looking for you.

I hope you don't mind.

No, uh, I don't.

But how did you find me?

You're the only Jim Ignatowski in the phone book.

I know.

Isn't it great?

Yeah.

Mr. Ignatowski, I want to stay with you.

Here?

Oh, I don't know, Terry.

I mean, look around you.

What do you see?

Ice cream, popcorn and television.

Exactly.

What kind of place is this for a kid?

Please let me stay.

I... I don't know, Terry.

I'm not really set up here for a kid.

I don't even have Atari.

Please.

Is home such a terrible place, Terry?

I hate the things they make me do.

Like what?

What do your parents make you do, Terry?

Lots of things.

I have to keep my room tidied up.

Oh, no!

I can't ride my bike in any streets where there's traffic.

(grunts)

I can't even watch television till every bit of my homework's done.

Terry.

Terry!

I'll never send you back to a hellhole like that!

Well... (clears throat)

Now that I'm awake and you're awake, why don't I fix us some breakfast?

What have you got?

Well, sir, we got... uh... chili!

Terry... SpaghettiOs.

I'm not that hungry.

I had some potato chips and two boxes of cookies in my backpack.

I ate 'em all before you got up.

Good for you.

After all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

What are we gonna do now?

Well, oh, let's... let's see.

I know.

Let's play catch.

In the house?

Yeah. Wow!

My parents would never let me play catch in the house.

Mine, neither.

Oops. Hey.

(grunts)

Huh.

Well... Parents know a few things.

I guess that ends that.

Well, that's the nice thing about catch.

It doesn't have to be long, just so it's good.

What else will we do?

I don't know.

You know, I've never been a father before.

I can experience everything for the first time through your eyes.

I can't wait to watch your face when you watch me shave.

I can hardly wait till next Thursday.

I'm really gonna like it here.

Especially the part about not having to go to school.

Hey, who says you don't have to go to school?

School's very important.

If I had dropped out of grammar school, I'd never have been able to drop out of college.

Why don't you teach me, Jim?

Teach me what you know.

Well, that would take hours, Terry.

Um...

Well, I don't know.

But what the heck.

We've all got a little Obi-Wan Kenobi in us.

Okay.

(clears throat)

Hey... if a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

If a tree... falls in the forest.

Nobody's there.

Is there a sound?

I don't know.

Of course there is.

Don't let anybody fool you.

People try to make that complicated.

If a tree falls, there's a sound!

The bigger the tree, the bigger the sound.

Okay, so much for philosophy.

Next, morality.

It's your parents' anniversary.

Your mother sends you with $15 to get her dress at the tailor's.

(clears throat)

On your way there, a guy offers to sell you the last available ticket to a monster rock concert.

The price is exactly $15.

What do ya do?

Well... Backstage passes included.

That's easy.

It's not my money.

I'd get my mother's dress.

It was The Kinks.

She could have worn the blue thing.

But she trusted me.

I'm giving you an "A" in morality.

Look, I gotta get to work, but we've been terrific here.

We covered philosophy, we covered morality.

All the rest is just tinsel anyway.

Tomorrow... we do history.

The '60s, a misunderstood decade.

Hey, am I crazy or are we having a fantastic time here?

I think it's great being here, Jim.

Hey, you gonna be okay here if I go to work?

I mean, you want me to quit?

No, I'll be fine, Jim.

Okay.

Anything I can do to help out?

Um, let's see, uh... maybe.

Uh, there's a toolbox in the bedroom.

If you don't mind, will you get it out and re-grout the shower?

I'll try.

That's all anyone can ask.

(sighs)

Yeah, I'll-I'll let you know just as soon as we...

Right, okay.

Bye.

Oh, kids.

(splutters)

What about them?

They make you laugh, don't they?

Yeah, sometimes.

(clears throat)

Take mine, for instance.

Yours?

Yeah.

Ordinarily, the little guy is just a pleasure to live with.

Jim, you don't have a kid.

Sure, I do.

And I'll tell ya, he turns into a holy terror when it comes to washing behind the ears.

Last night we went around and around about it.

Finally I gave in and you know, it wasn't as bad as I thought.

I might just start doing it regularly.

Jim, what the hell are you talking about?

Behind the ears here. No.

You take a wash... But, Jim... but you don't have a kid.

Yes, I do, Alex.

I have adopted a son.

Adopted? ELAINE: Jim?

What are you talking about?

It's, uh...

It's a little difficult to adopt a child, isn't it?

Is this difficult? (snapping fingers)

Jim, who is this kid?

Terry.

Terry? You mean the kid that was in here yesterday?

Uh-huh. Terry... But...

But-but he's already got parents.

I didn't say there wouldn't be problems.

No, no, no, no, Jim, Jim? Huh?

His parents are desperately trying to find him.

They're camped out at the police station right now.

The cops just called to ask if any of us had seen him.

Jim... Huh?

You cannot adopt somebody else's kid.

He's not somebody else's kid.

He's my kid now.

I made it... I made it legal.

I got him a library card.

Iggy. Huh?

I can't believe my ears.

We're talkin' about two loving parents who are desperately lookin' for that little tyke.

It's our duty to sound them out about a reward.

I shouldn't have told any of you about this.

You're trying to ruin it.

LOUIE: Money, money, money... Now, now, now, Jim, Jim...

Jim, I don't understand... I don't understand something.

What-what do you want with Terry?

He's the son I never had.

Yeah, well, he's the son his parents do have.

And you better get him back to them. Fast.

Iggy. Yeah?

You're sheltering a fugitive.

No, it's not a question of that.

Jim... his parents are worried sick.

Jim, the cops called.

They said his-his mother's been crying for the last 24 hours.

Oh, poor lady. She's got it coming to her.

You should hear the terrible things she's done to him.

Forcing him to take piano lessons, sending him off to camp every summer as if he was a-a camper.

The kid has a home.

He's got a family.

He's got a puppy.

He has a puppy?

You... you know that for a fact?

A little spotted puppy who's just sitting around now pining away wondering where his Terry is, tears welling up in his little brown eyes.

I don't believe you're doing this when you don't know for sure.

Jim, the puppy won't eat.

This is emotional blackmail.

The puppy's name is Snowball.

Oh!

Because of all the white, fluffy fur from his little paws to his cute little tail.

(moaning)

(mimicking puppy yelping) No, no.

Okay, okay, okay, I'll send him back.

Oh, great, great, Jim.

JIM: I'll go break it to him now.

I'll get his parents and bring 'em over.

Hey, Jim, uh, listen, I'm-I'm sorry you have to do this.

(sighing)

It's okay, Alex.

It's just not gonna be easy explaining to a ten-year-old boy that he's not adopted.

Hey, Jim, I made you lunch.

SpaghettiOs!

My favorite.

How did you know?

You had 44 cans of it.

After you eat, maybe we could play catch again.

No.

Well... I don't think so.

Or we could just watch TV.

Terry... Terry...

Your parents are coming over, and you're going back with them.

No! No!

No!

Terry! (door slams)

Te... (knocking on door)

Jim.

Oh, Jim. Alex!

Yeah, listen, Jim. I've been thinking this over.

Jim, these are Terry's parents.

Mr. and Mrs. Booth, uh, this is Jim Ignatowski, the man who was kind enough to take your son in, Hi.

And, uh, take care of him until you got here.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Ignatowski.

You'll never know how grateful we are.

You're a good man. Yes.

Where's my son?

Why?

Is it time to tidy up his room?

He'll be here in plenty of time for summer camp.

Don't worry. Uh, uh... excuse us for a minute.

Jim, come here.

(whispering): Jim, what are you doing?

I just don't know what to do here, Alex.

I can't go back on my word.

I promised Terry I would never send him back.

Believe me, he really doesn't want to see them again.

If he knew they were here, he'd probably be out on the fire escape right now making a run for it.

Come on, Terry.

We have your puppy in the car.

See ya, Jim. Thanks!

JIM: I just don't know how I'm gonna face him when he discovers that they've found him out.

Yeah, well, Jim, I wouldn't worry about that right now.

Thanks again, Mr. Ignatowski.

You're a very special person.

(door closes)

The kid's gone?

He said good-bye. You missed it.

Go-go after him.

Uh... uh... No, no.

Uh, grownups make too big a fuss out of good-byes.

I used to hate it.

"Say good-bye to your Uncle Harry."

"Good-bye, Uncle Harry."

"Good-bye, Jim." (grunts)

Look, Jim, you did the right thing.

You know that, don't you?

Ah... I guess so.

You okay, Jim?

Yeah.

But my life will never be the same again.

Oh, come on, Jim, the kid was only here overnight.

(sighs)

Well, uh, I don't know, I, uh...

Alex... Yeah?

Since I didn't have a chance to say good-bye to him, can I say good-bye to you?

Me?

Yeah, sure.

Why not?

You don't have to call... you don't have to write.

All I ask is that you remember me.

Yeah, okay, right.

(moaning)

How can you make a simple thing so heart-wrenching?

I feel awful.

I can't leave now.

Well, you want to stay for lunch?

Yeah, what're you havin'?

Uh, SpaghettiOs, popcorn and herring.

See you in the garage, Jim, okay?

No matter how many leave the nest, it never gets any easier.

(theme song playing)


WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)