Taxi S4E17 Script

Take My Ex-Wife, Please (1982)

(theme song playing)


TONY: Alex, take a look at this.

I have a date with the girl in the suntan oil ad.

Her name is Randi. Oh...

She's agreed to go out with me, but she wants me to bring somebody else along to go out with her older sister.

What do you say? Oh, I don't know, Tony.

Come on, do one for me, please, please, please. No, I...

Oh, all right, okay.

Oh, great, Alex.

We're meeting them at 8:30, at this French place in the Village.

La Belle Chateau.

Oh, French food!

Sounds like a terrific evening.

It's gonna be a great evening, Jim.

Oh, la la la la la!

Ah, la cuisine française est magnifique.

C'est la plus bonne de monde.

Hey, Jim, you're speaking French.

Moi?

All right, attention, cabbies, attention here.

All right, yesterday, Latka Gravas was test driving a cab when suddenly, the engine burst into flames.

Our Latka got out of the cab and beat the flames out with his jacket, risking life and limb to save that vehicle.

(applause)

Therefore, I am pleased to present Latka with the Employee of the Month Award.

(applause)

Latka, would you like to say a few words to the cabbies?

Thank you very much.

I am a dope.

Madame, I can seat you now.

Will you be dining... uh...?

Uh, are you, uh... Alone?

Is that what you're trying to say?

Yes, I will be dining alone.

No one else is coming.

We're all here.

Uh, excuse me, this is my first time dining alone, so I just wanted to ask you one thing.

Where are lonely, desperate women usually seated in the better restaurants?

Table four.

Hey... now, this is a classy place.

I know, I came here years ago when they only had one brick wall.

Oh, my God.

Uh, waiter, waiter!

Waiter! Oh, madame... something is wrong?

Yes, my ex-husband just walked in.

Is there a side door or a meat locker I could hide in?

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I let you talk me into this, Tony.

Come on! Oh, dear.

Alex!

ALEX: Huh? TONY: There she is!

Oh. Isn't she beautiful?

TONY: Alex, there she is again!

Hi, Tony. TONY: Hi.

I'd like you to meet my sister, Candi.

Hi, Candi. Randi, Candi, I'd like you to meet my friend, Alex.

Hi. Hi.

Hi! (chuckles)

Uh, how long have you two been twins?

(laughing)

I feel silly, right, but I love feeling silly.

Sorry I'm late.

What do you mean late?

What are you doing here?

I assumed I was invited.

You weren't!

Well, you're lucky I made that mistake, or I never would've gotten here.

Uh, Jim Ignatowski, this is Candi and Randi Moratta.

Oh. Our dates...

Mine and Alex's.

Ours, ours.

How do?

How's it going?

Egg split in the womb, huh?

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim...

Jim.

Alex? Huh?

I got a real problem here.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

Would you ladies excuse us?

Uh, we have something to straighten out here.

I'm having a great time here, Alex.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, Jim...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, my ex-wife.

Uh, Jim, uh, would you tell them to excuse me for just a few minutes?

See, I'm coming in handy already.

Yeah.

Phyllis. Oh, hi, Alex.

You, uh, you look terrific.

You've lost weight.

Yeah, 35 pounds.

Wow, how'd you do that?

The grief diet.

Your husband divorces you and then you cry and vomit for three months.

(uneasy laugh)

No, I mean, uh, I'm, I'm really sorry to hear that your second marriage didn't work out, Phyllis.

Well, hey, you know, I'll survive.

Look at me.

I'm back in circulation already.

Oh, who're you with?

Him.

You know, he's always so interested that other people are having a good time.

Hey, come on, Phyllis, you're dining alone, right?

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, I'm not ashamed.

I mean, I'm really glad to be dining alone.

Could I just ask you one thing, though? What?

Is it rude to talk to yourself with your mouth full?

Alex, we're still over here!

TONY: Come on over here.

Uh, listen, Phyllis, I'm, I'm neglecting my company, uh...

Oh, right, listen, go back to them.

I mean, (chuckles)

I can see you got a pretty big night ahead of you, huh?

No, no, no, it's not a big night, it's not a big night.

Oh, it's not a big night? No, no, no.

Oh, well, then what is a big night?

Triplets?

(sighs)

Well, it was really nice seeing you again, Phyllis.

Alex, before you go, don't go.

But, Phyllis, I have to, uh...

Alex, please.

I'm gonna be staying at the Mayflower Hotel through next Tuesday, and I just... I just thought it would be really good if we spent some of that time together.

Yeah. Or most of that time together.

Or every waking moment of that time...

Look, Phyllis, Phyllis, look, if-if-if you want to talk, just give me a call, okay?

Please. Listen, Alex, no, really, I understand that you have to be running along to your little pagan ritual, but I just want to ask you one thing right now, okay?

I mean, even after all this time, is there still something there?

Sure, sure, sure.

Of course there's something there.

I mean, uh, if you were walking down the street and a safe was about to fall on you, I would yell, "Look out".

Me, too.

Phyllis, not wanting to see you get pulverized is a far cry from a reconciliation.

Will you excuse me?

Oh, Alex... Huh?

When I'm reaching out to you like this, when I'm this vulnerable, when I'm this manipulative, I just don't believe that you can get up from this table and just walk away from me like this.

Uh, look, uh, uh, Phyllis, look, the best thing that I can do for you right now is, uh, to be as honest and as clear as I know how.

We're...

We're simply just not involved in each other's lives anymore.

Understand?

So, I just put an end to things right then and there.

I think I did the right thing.

You think I did the right thing?

I'm sure I did the right thing.

Aren't you sure I did the right thing?

Yes, you did the right thing.

How could you say that?

The woman is all alone.

Alex, you can't make it easy for her.

All you can do is you can help her postpone all the stuff that she's gonna have to eventually deal with anyway.

The only way you can help your ex-wife is if you care, I mean, really care enough to get involved with her again.

Do you?

No!

Well, then you were absolutely right in being as rotten as you were.

Oh, Elaine, come on, don't do that to me.

No, really, I did the right thing, didn't I?

Yes, you did. Oh...

Don't touch me.

Personally...

I love divorced women.

I love women who just broke up with guys.

I live on the rebound.

I love the rebound.

I am the rebound.

Now, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here.

Look, I don't, I don't tell this to anybody because I don't want anybody to find out.

You want desperate women?

Desperate, desperate, women?

I know where to go where there are girls who just failed their bar exam.

You look like a lawyer to me, honey.

The greatest date I ever had was with a girl who flunked the police academy because she couldn't do 12 push-ups.

At least, not on the exam.

(goofy chuckle)

Thanks for sharing that with me, Louie.

Excuse me, I have to go boil my ears now.

Pearls.

Hello?

Is Alex Reiger here?

Nah, he's working. He's working.

You... you're not his ex-wife, are you?

Yes, I am.

I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I just might catch him in.

You know, to say hello.

Well, he's, uh, out on the road.

He won't be back for 12 hours.

I'll wait.

Uh, I, I know it's none of my business, but I just want, uh, to tell you that I feel for you, what with your life in shreds and all.

Oh, thank you.

Whoever are you?

My name's Louie De Palma.

Oh.

I'm a real close friend of Alex.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, I-I guess he's told you all about me?

No. Good.

Well, he's told me all about you.

How, uh, witty and charming and intelligent you are.

Oh.

And, uh, if you don't mind my saying, you're also really easy on the blinkers.

How you talk... it... (laughs)

So, listen, you want to go out?

Oh, I'm busy, uh... But I didn't say when.

Oh, say when.

Tonight.

I'm busy.

All right, all right.

I'm, I'm... I'm sorry, uh, for being so forward.

It's... it's just that this feeling came over me that, uh, this would be my first and last chance to ever spend even a little time with a really elegant woman.

That was so well put.

Yeah.

Well, you know, this may be a sewer, but that doesn't mean it can't have its daisies.

Well, like, uh, uh, what do you suppose we'd do together, you know?

Make for me a memory that would haunt the remainder of my days on earth.

You know, either the fumes in this place are affecting my judgment...

or you're kind of cute.

I was afraid there for a moment you wouldn't notice.

How about if I pick you up at 8:00?

Why not? (laughs)

(laughs)

I'm at the Mayflower Hotel.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.

(both laughing giddily)

(stops laughing) What? What? What? What? What?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing. Just, uh...

(laughs, then stops abruptly)

What? What? What? What?

Nothing!

(both laughing)

(stops laughing)

Maybe I shouldn't do this, you know?

I hope I'm not dreaming.

(laughs heartily)

Bingo!

He's coming! Here, you got to read this.

Oh, Louie, I... Yes, you got to do it.

You read this. Louie, I don't want to do this.

You do it. You do it.

I don't want to do it. It's stupid! It's not stupid.

You do... you do it when he gets up...

There you go, Louie.

(humming)

(reading): "Say, Louie..."

Uh, yes, Jeff?

"I hear you have a date tonight."

Uh, yes, that-that's true.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I've got a hot date tonight.

She's got class, beauty and experience.

Here.

"Would I know her, Louie?"

No, I don't believe you do, but Reiger might.

I don't think he heard it.

Wait a minute.

Whoa. Come on now. We got to do it again.

Come on. Hurry up. Again?! Louie, this is childish. Come on!

(clears throat)

"Say, Louie..."

Yes, Jeff?

"I hear you have a date tonight."

Uh, yes, Jeff.

Well, I guess this is where I came in.

Who have you got a date with tonight?

Beat it. Beat it. Beat it.

I'll give you a hint.

The answer is right under your nose, but then again, what isn't?

All right, I guess I should find out how you feel about this because, uh, I remember once you got mad because I used your comb.

What the hell are you talking about?

Aha! Aha!

Got your curiosity up there, huh?

Oh, yes, oh, yes.

You're so sophisticated and intelligent.

You go out with a whole different class of women than old Louie De Palma, huh?

Not necessarily.

This happens to be a woman that you've dated.

Louie, it's been a long day.

Will you cut the crap?

I've been out with a lot of women, and it's just possible that you might have dated one of them.

So, what's the big deal?

How big a deal would it be if it was your ex-wife?

Hmm?

Phyllis?

Hey, now, wait a minute!

Now, wait a minute! Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't want you to do that, Louie.

Now, she's weak, she's vulnerable, and she might mistake you for a human being.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Go easy, easy, easy.

Oh, what is going on here? Easy.

ALEX: I'll tell you what's going on here. He's got a date with my ex-wife.

Hey, Phyllis and I are consenting adults, and you have nothing to say about it.

I am a busy man.

LOUIE: Jeff?

"Say, Louie, I hear you have a date..."

No, no, no, no.

Oh, it sickens me to say this, Alex, but, uh, he's right.

There's nothing you can do about it.

(knocking)

Look, Phyllis... Alex, what's wrong?

The Doublemint sisters kicked you out?

Phyllis, you can't go out with Louie De Palma!

Alex, what are you talking about?

I mean, Louie seems real nice.

I mean, I'll admit he won't make anybody forget Paul Newman.

Phyllis... Or Edwin Newman.

Phyllis... Or Alfred E.

Phyllis!

Will you listen to me?

Louie is a terrible, rotten, low-life person, and if you're using Louie De Palma to get over that Brazilian ex-husband of yours, then I shudder to think who you're gonna use to get over Louie De Palma.

Alex, I don't know why you're acting like this, but you're behaving like a crazy person!

Phyllis, everything I've said thus far about Louie, his mother would agree with.

In fact, I'm quoting her.

Alex, will you stop it now?

Just stop it.

I'm a single person, and there's a new Phyllis to explore.

But-but-but Phyl, but...

(knocking) Okay.

Now will you please save us all any further embarrassment and get into that bathroom until my date and I have left for our evening?

(sighs)

You're right.

I feel foolish.

I feel like I've insulted my dignity.

I welcome the opportunity to cower in your toilet.

Hi, Phyllis.

Hi, Louie.

I'll be ready in a minute.

Great!

'Cause have I got an evening planned for us!

I already called room service, and they are sending up champagne... canapés... and oxygen.


It's nice to see someone not caught up in the exercise fads.

I have my own form of exercise.

Ee-ee, ee-ee, ee-ee.

PHYLLIS: Oh, Alex!

Reiger!

What are you, some kind of weirdo?

And I thought you two wouldn't hit it off.

Well, I'll just leave you and your gentleman caller to explore the new Phyllis.

Alex, you can't go.

You can't go.

Why?

I'm in the way here.

I mean, I can take a hint.

Alex, Alex! Okay, you were right.

I'm sorry. I apologize, okay?

You were right.

You were real... Wait a minute.

Did you put him up to this?

Wait a minute here.

Is this something that you two cooked up in that little garage there so you would have to come in and rescue me?

(laughs)

No, of course not.

Oh, come on!

No real person acts like that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, wait a minute here.

What is there, some kind of weird place in Manhattan where you rent out these guys?

I-I'm starting to feel a little self-conscious here.

Uh... excuse me, but, uh, did it ever occur to you that our date was over?

This is your fault, Reiger!

Because I didn't do anything wrong this time.

You said you didn't want to get involved.

And you end up walking out of the bathroom.

I mean, now, what-what... what's going on here?

I don't understand.

You don't understand because you've never been married.

You've never been engaged.

You've never been invited to a wedding for that matter.

Now there's something that happens to people when, for six years, they go to bed together and they get up together, who have some kind of a connection because they were married and because they had a child.

And if that's not true, then something's wrong with you or life.

I mean, something's wrong.

You want to go out and eat with me?

Oh, Alex, you're so sweet.

And I really know that you're worried about just even going on a date with me

'cause you're afraid that suddenly I'll drive you crazy, and then I'll be neurotic, and I'll be crazy, you know, be demanding and...

I just really would like to put your mind at ease.

But I can't.

Uh, uh, Phyllis? Phyllis?

What?!

I'll call you next week.

(wry chuckle)

PHYLLIS: Am I crazy?

I get a kick out of that guy.

(theme song playing)


WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)