Taxi S4E18 Script

The Unkindest Cut (1982)

(theme song playing)


Have I ever told you guys anything about Fred Collins?

He's got bedroom eyes, David Niven mustache and eyes that show you that he's a little boy after all.

(giggles) ALEX: You just happened to mention him in passing?

Well, I'm seeing him tonight. No!

Hey, you finally got a date with the guy, huh?

Uh, well, no, not exactly, but I did find out that he's going to the Japanese Costume Show at the Metropolitan.

Oh? It's the cultural event of the year. Wow.

And, uh, I just happened to get myself invited along, and I'm gonna be sitting next to him at the dinner afterwards. Yeah!

You got it, you got it. ELAINE (giggling): Yeah.

And if that doesn't work, I'll try something subtle like the Dance of the Seven Veils.

(laughs)

Don't worry, Elaine, it's gonna work; you're a knockout, baby.

Oh, I hope so.

I just want everything to be so perfect tonight, you know?

So, that's why I did this.

Nice outfit. Not bad.

You mean, you can't tell the difference?

ALEX: Hmm?

Oh, no!

I spent $25 on this hairdo.

Oh, my God, you're right.

It's not special enough.

I'm gonna have to do it.

One of these days, I'm gonna have to go to Vincenzo Seneca.

That's that place with the great nude beaches, right?

Yeah, but they got spiders this big.

No.

Vincenzo Seneca is the "in" hair stylist of New York City.

Oh, you'll always see the most gorgeous women leaving his salon.

Yeah.

You know, there's no harm in trying to get an appointment today, right?

I mean, why not?

Sure.

You know, I've always wanted to have my hair styled.

I need a little help in this one problem area.

Cowlick?

I'll try anything.

Elaine, I don't want to say nothing, but this guy sounds pretty expensive.

Uh-huh, it could cost me maybe $100.

Ouch!

Mm. Hmm.

Deal.

LOUIE: All right, gather around, cabbies, Gather around.

Come, come, come, come, come!

We have a morale problem here.

You guys are always complaining that you're bored, that there's nothing to do in this garage.

Well, now you've got something to do.

Guess what's under here.

Uh, is it a volleyball?

Close.

Allow me to present... Pac-Man!

Now, who is gonna be the lucky pup who gets to play the first game?

Iggy!

You're a somewhat compulsive personality.

Step forward.

Now... you see, there's the maze.

Uh-huh. All right.

You see the little things inside the maze?

They're dots.

That's right! Oh!

The dots! Ah!

Iggy, you were born to play Pac-Man!

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Now, now the object of the game Uh-huh.

Is to move that little yellow circle around with this stick and eat up all the dots.

Oh, wow! (chuckling)

No, no, no, no, Iggy, Iggy, settle down, settle down, settle down.

There's more. More?!

Now, you see those, those monsters in the middle?

Uh-huh. All right, they come out... Yeah?

And try and eat you.

Whoa!

All right, Iggy, Iggy...

Oh, come on, please, boss!

There's more, Iggy, there's more!

More! More?!

Yes, yes.

More. All right, now, you see those white things flashing?

Uh-huh. Well, those are energizers.

Yeah? Yes.

If you eat one of those, then the monsters turn blue and then when you eat them, you get points for eating them.

Oh, oh!

Iggy, Iggy, are you ready?

Oh, I'm ready, boss!

All right, all right, all right, whoa!

I... I love his enthusiasm.

Iggy, Iggy, okay.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

The first one is on me.

Ah... Now remember... Uh-huh.

You only get three chances.

(Pac-Man game intro music plays)

(beeping, laser beam-like life-loss music plays)

(life-loss music plays twice)

Is it over?

Yeah.

That was the greatest thrill of my life!

I'm glad you liked it!

(yelling in exhilaration)

All right, Iggy, go to it, Iggy. Ah. Oh.

Guys, oh, I cannot believe this!

Do you know what?

There was a cancellation just a few minutes ago.

I can see Vincenzo Seneca this afternoon.

Hey, go, go, go!

Now all I have to do is cancel it.

I can't afford this.

Of course I can afford this.

This may be one of the biggest nights of my life, and money is no object.

Money has to be an object. I'm a cabbie.

I am not an extravagant person.

But I am entitled to an extravagant fling now and then, and this is it.

This is it.

I'm going.

Oh, I'm going.

ELAINE: I'm going.

Excuse me, I'm Elaine Nardo.

Hello, your appointment is with?

Vincenzo.

Let me see if there's been a cancellation.

Oh, no, no, no, I have an appointment.

Yes, but he sometimes cancels.

Creative people.

No, no, everything seems to be fine, but he is running just a little bit late.

Oh, that's okay.

I can wait.

Um... I've never been here before, and, uh, I really don't know what Vincenzo charges.

So, could you tell me?

Not that it matters, of course.

$225 for a Seneca design.

Is that too much?

(uneasy laugh) No.

No, it's very reasonable.

What else are you interested in today?

Eyelash tint?

No.

Wax? No.

Facial?

No.

A manicure?

No. No?

You're quite sure?

Yes, I'm quite sure.

Well, while you're waiting, you may have some wine or coffee or...?

Oh, no thanks.

Rebecca, Miss Rydell is dry; comb her out.

Lamont, clean that up back there, will you?

Mike, not too much off the back.

CLIENT: Oh... oh, Vincenzo, I wanted to look marvelous at the Japanese opening at the Met tonight and you've really done it.

Oh, how can I thank you?

Bring me a kimono.

Oh, oh, I would, but I think there'll be security guards.

Then bring me a security guard.

Oh! (chuckling)

(giggling)

Is my 1:00 here yet?

Mm, yes, Vincenzo.

Hi, I'm Elaine.

Hello. Hello.

Well, let's see what we've got.

I'm also going to the Japanese Costume Show at the Met, and I'd love to look fantastic, too.

Mm-hmm.

Do you usually cut this yourself?

No.

Oh, well, never mind, just hop up there.

Now... Elaine, just as Michelangelo discovered the beauty of David in a slab of marble, I shall find in that head of hair your perfect hairstyle.

Promise. (giggling): Okay.

But who's gonna dress you?

(chortles)

So, what are we going to do today, hmm?

I don't know.

Well, why don't you tell me something about yourself?

Maybe that'll help.

Well, um...

I'm a mother and I also drive a cab part-time and I work at an art gallery part-time and I'm gonna have the biggest night I've had in years and I want to look great.

Cabdriver, really? Mm-hmm.

How fascinating.

Well, stick with me, and you'll become a passenger.

How about just an edge of style, hmm?

Okay. Oh, I know, I know.

Uh, just a hint of color?

Oh, Vincenzo, I don't know.

I'm pretty comfortable with this color.

Well, all right, fine.

We'll stick with I Love Lucy.

Wait.

Uh, Vincenzo, I don't mean to offend you or anything.

It's just that it's so important to me to look great tonight, and, and I really don't know what I want, so I'm just a little nervous.

I think you should leave it to me.

I don't know, what would you want to...

I think you should leave it to me.

But you don't really know me.

You want thick, you want beautiful, you want men to drop dead at the very sight of you.

Am I right? Exactly.

I think you should leave it to me.

Hmm?

Well... okay, I'll trust you.

You won't be disappointed.

Rebecca, we're gonna need some green out here.

Just kidding.

Just kidding!

ELAINE: You know, it's gonna be a marvelous evening.

This man is so divine, Vincenzo, you'd love him.

Can I look now?

No, no, no, no, not yet, not yet.

Oh, my God, you're gonna love this.

Really? It's absolutely perfect.

I hope so.

I'm so nervous, I can't breathe.

Are you ready? Yeah.

Hmm? Okay.

(screams)

Too fabulous for you?

Oh, what did you do?

What did you do to my hair?!

You're not unhappy, are you?

Oh! I knew it! I knew it!

I should've looked! No!

Listen, you're just upset because it's something new.

Believe me, live with it for a while, and you'll love it.

All right, fine, don't take my word for it.

People, come around here, will you, please?

Now, Elaine isn't quite sure about her hair.

Personally, I think it's tremendous.

Now, we'd like some other opinions.

It's fantastic! Beautiful! Gorgeous!

It should go in the book!

Right.

Let me get out of here.

I just want to get out of here.

Well, I guess I just can't do cabdrivers.

You're kidding me.

Well, what did you expect me to say?

(Pac-Man game whirring and beeping)

Hey, Jim.

Have you been at that machine all day nonstop?

No.

I had to go out a couple of times and beg for quarters.

All right, paychecks, paychecks, everybody.

Badick...

Banta... All right, Lou.

Reiger.

Ignatowski!

(coins clinking)

Thanks, boss. You're a brick.

Ha ha. (mimics Pac-Man game sounds): Mm, yum, yum, yum.

Yum, yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Ha ha!

You know, you're sick, Louie.

You know that?

Hey, Jim, come on.

For a guy like you, this can become an obsession, you know that? (game music plays)

Why don't you quit before you've spent all your money?

Don't let this happen to you, Jim.

Lighten up.

(crying)

Elaine?

Oh, my God, Elaine!

(crying)

Elaine, hey, no, no, no, no.

Wait, Elaine, it's not that bad.

Stop crying.

No. Who's crying?

Oh, Elaine.

I'm sorry.

I was just looking at your lovely new hairdo.

(crying): Oh, don't lie to me, Tony.

It's hideous! It's awful!

I wanted this to be the biggest night of my life, and now I can't even go.

Oh, hey, now, come on, don't say that.

You-you should go anyway.

Why? So they can serve hors d'oeuvres on my head?

Why don't you just get it fixed?

I can't fix this!

I can't even get a comb through it.

Once you do this much to your hair, you have to leave it alone for a couple of days.

And if I do anything now, it'll just fall out in clumps.

It might be worth a shot.

Tony!

Look, Elaine, don't get depressed by this.

Oh, I'm not even depressed about it, Alex.

I'm furious! I'm so angry!

I'm so mad at that guy!

I'm so mad at myself!

Don't you see, I could have...

I could have asked him to show me what he was doing in the mirror, but I didn't.

I just let him intimidate me.

I tried to act like I was part of his world.

I-I denied who I am.

I didn't listen to my instincts.

I knew it!

I knew it as I was sitting there.

So what did I do?

I just emptied my wallet and paid the guy for making me look like spoiled coleslaw.

Oh, oh, Elaine, Elaine, Elaine, Elaine, no, no, no, no, no, please, please.

Hey, Elaine, what's going on?

Wait... a minute.

There's something different about you.

Jim... Don't tell me.

Uh, wait a minute, it's your hair.

Isn't it? Isn't it?

Yes!

Hey.

They always appreciate it when you notice the little things.

You know, look at it this way.

At least the worst is over.

Louie isn't here, is he?

Correction. The worst is yet to come.

ALEX: Louie, Louie, Louie!

Louie, no.

Louie, Louie.

I haven't seen a mess like that... since somebody stuck a firecracker up my Uncle Emilio's parrot.

Louie, she feels bad enough without having to put up with those insults of yours.

What insults?

I loved that bird.

Ah, gee-whiz, Nardo.

Gee-whiz!

(sobbing) Louie.

Gee-whiz, Nardo.

Why'd you do it?

I mean, I...

Well, I guess you got a right to feel self-destructive, but you could've thought of me.

I look forward to seeing you every day, like some palookas look forward to a sunrise.

Well, wh-why'd you do it?

Uh, were you feeling that self-destructive?

Is this a twisted cry for help?

TONY: Louie, she didn't want this.

Some fancy hairdresser did it to her.

Yeah. Is that true?

Yeah.

Oh, geez!

Oh!

Oh! Just forget about it now.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Wh-What-What do you mean?

Wh-What do you mean, there's nothing...?

There's gotta be something she can do.

I mean, if a man assaulted her body, he'd go to jail.

If a man desecrated a work of art...

In the clink.

Maybe I should go over there and break that guy's head.

Now that's something! An act of barbarism.

Yeah! Wait a minute.

Wait a minute here.

Don't be ridiculous, Tony.

You are a professional boxer.

You just can't go around... Reiger, you've seen his fights.

There's not a court in the land that would buy that one.

Don't listen to him.

Even you can take a hairdresser.

Was he big?

ALEX: Hey, now, come on, everybody.

Now, just calm down, just calm down.

So he gave her a bad haircut.

That doesn't make him a bad guy, does it?

He treated me like dirt.

When I was leaving there crying, he said...

"Well, I guess I can't do cabdrivers."

Oh, he kills me. He kills me. Yeah, and then... and then all the people in the shop started to laugh at me.

LOUIE: Ooh, dirty rat. What did you do?

Nothing.

What could I do?

Since when do you take things like that?

You could have asked for your money back.

You could have demanded that he redo it.

You could have gotten angry.

I mean, wh-what is this guy anyway?

I mean, just... Will you give me a break?

I just want to forget it now. Forget it?

Forget it? You can't forget it.

How can you forget?

Every time you look in the mirror, every time you hear the laughter of kids... every time a policeman's horse shies up, how can you forget that?

Elaine, look, you don't feel foolish because of what he did to you.

You feel foolish because you took it, right?

Because you took it.

Now you gotta go back there, you know that.

No. You gotta go back.

No! Alex, Alex, you can't make me go back there.

You don't know how mean they were to me. Don't worry about it.

I'll go with you. Now where is it?

53rd and Lex.

Good. Come on.

Come on. Oh.

53rd and Lex.

Come on.

Just do it. Get your money back.

It'll take a couple of weeks, and it'll be all right.

No.

Uh, hello. I'm back.

Oh, don't you worry, darling.

I'll just tell him you're here to apologize.

He'll understand.

Thank you. Let's go. Thank you?

What're you talking about? Alex...

Don't let these people intimidate you.

Alex, they're not intimidating me.

I just want to go. There is no reason...

Can I borrow your hand mirror?

Alex, I want to go home.

I want to talk to Vincenzo right now!

Right now.

He can't be disturbed when he's in comb-out.

Well, if he can't be disturbed while he's in comb-out, we'll wait.

Would you like some wine while you wait?

Is it free?

Yes, of course. Okay.

You come here often?

I'm just here waiting for a cancellation.

Uh, listen, I'm Alex Reiger.

I work with Elaine.

Oh, my God!

The fleet's in.

Vincenzo, I am very upset about what you did to my hair.

I-I-I'm ashamed to be seen in public, and I feel like you bullied me into this.

I'd like you to give me my money back, and I also think you owe me an apology for the way you talked to me.

Where do you come from that you think life works like that?

My God.

Hey, now wait a minute, buddy, buddy, now either you give her her money back...

Or what?

Are you gonna create a scene?

Do you really think that I'm afraid of a scene?

Girls, we're in luck.

There's going to be a scene.

Now... this young woman came to me this morning with a hairdo that her high school must have found boring, and I gave her this.

Beautiful!

Like a parrot.

And instead of thanking me, she brought the Jewish Defense League to get her money back.

Hey, now, now wait a minute, now wait a minute.

I-I don't belong to any organization.

I happen to be a very simple cabdriver and a friend of Elaine and a... a champion of justice.

ALEX: Louie!

What are you doing here?

I want to see the guy who did it.

Louie, I don't want you to say a word.

Not a word.

I mean it.

All right, all right, all right, I won't say a word.

I promise.

I just want to see him.

Is this the big date you were getting ready for?

(growling)

Curb your friend, will you please?

Louie, Louie, it's very important... it's very important that Elaine handle this herself.

Do you hear me?

Now you just sit down somewhere.

Just sit down somewhere. Come here.

Sit down. Here.

Come on, sit.

(growling) Sit! Sit!

Sit!

Stay! Stay!

Stay!

Young lady, what is your problem?

I mean, when are you gonna realize that all of these people think that my work is great?

You think you've got this big personality cult going here, don't you?

Well, let me tell you something.

I bet there isn't a woman here who doesn't know exactly what I'm talking about.

Haven't you ever been terribly unhappy with-with what he's done to your hair, and yet you didn't want to say anything to him because you felt like it would upset him?

Well...

ELAINE: I mean, I came here for something a little special, you know, for something a little different and-and this is what I got.

I mean, look at this.

Look at me!

Joan of Arc did less whining at the stake.

(laughing): My God.

ALEX: Elaine, Elaine!

Elaine!

Look at me. What am I doing?

What am I doing?

Go ahead.

Common people do common things.

(grunts) ALEX: Elaine, Elaine, don't, don't!

Elaine! Elaine!

You'll be no better than him.

You're right, Alex.

And I'm a lot better than he is.

Come on, let's go.

Wait for me! (Vincenzo chuckling)

She may be better than you, but I ain't.

♪ ♪

(Pac-Man game whirring and beeping)

(game ends)

I-I don't know why I play this game.

Throbbing noises, flashing lights, monsters chasing you...

I get enough of that in real life.

(theme song playing)


WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)