Taxi S4E20 Script

Elegant Iggy (1982)

(theme song playing)


Okay, to the N-E-G-A-T-E.

"Negate" for, uh, nine points.

Uh, mind if I play?


No, be my guest.

I can't make anything out of those letters anyway.



B... L... O... R... F.


How many points?

That isn't a word.

Is it?

No! I'm sorry, Jim, but that's not a word... blorf.


Did someone call me?


Oh, I thought I heard someone say Blorf.

Blorf was my nickname in the old country.

Kids can be cruel.

Thanks a lot, Jim.

Thanks very much. Sure.

Ooh, what are these tickets in your pocket, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Instead of a tip, some fare gave me tickets to see Itzhak Perlman.

Jim... Itzhak Perlman is the greatest violinist in the world.


I-I thought it was a religious service.

Uh, um, who wants to go with me?

Oh, I'd love to go.

That sounds great to me.

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to choose between Elaine and Alex.


This is gonna be a tough choice.

They're both good friends.


Elaine is a beautiful girl.



And Alex...

is not a beautiful girl.

No contest.

I choose Elaine.

Oh, boy, that was a piece of cake!


Who is it?

Jim Ignatowski.



My God.

What, what, what?

No, no, no, no, nothing bad.

It's just that you're gorgeous.

Oh, that?

Uh, thank you.

I-I... I never tire of hearing that.

(chuckles): My gosh.

Flowers for a beautiful woman.

Oh, thank you.

(clears throat)

A... corsage for a beautiful woman.

Oh, Jim.


A box of chocolates...

for a b-beautiful woman.

(clears throat) Oh.

A-a pen and pencil set...

for a beautiful woman.

Thank you.


A dozen lamb chops... Or navel oranges.

I forget which.

And... a Yoda doll for a beautiful woman.

Jim, you shouldn't have.

Oh, it was nothing.

(clears throat)

So, uh... you all set to go?

Jim, I-I'm in my bathrobe.



Boy, I thought that was an ugly gown.

What are you doing here now?

Well, I gue... I was a little anxious, so I guess I got here early.

Listen, you take your time and get ready, and I'll wait out in the hallway.

The concert is tomorrow.


No problem.

I brought a book.

Jim, don't you think it would be better for you if you went home and then came back tomorrow instead of waiting out there all night?


But, uh, I could, if you want.

If you want to race the clock.

Let's do that.

Okey-doke. Okay.


I don't want to show up tomorrow empty-handed.

The vest matches.


I know, I know.

Oh, my God, that's Mrs. Weber.

She's one of my art gallery's biggest clients.

Well, she could lose a pound or two.


Let's say hello.

No, no, no, no. I-I don't want her to see me with...

Uh, I-I don't want to see her right now.

Why-why don't we just face this way, okay?


Elaine Nardo, is that you?

Mrs. Weber.

Well, how nice to see you here.

How are you? Oh, fine.

And-and you?

Fine, thank you.

I loved Mr. Perlman.

Oh, he was wonderful.


Oh, Mrs. Weber, this is Jim Ignatowski.

How do you do, Mr. Ignatowski?


He's an attractive man, Elaine.

If I were ten years younger, I'd steal him away from you.

(Mrs. Weber giggles)


It was nice meeting you, Mr. Ignatowski.

Oh, I just had a thought.

I'm having a musicale on Sunday.

Many of the creative community will be there, Elaine.

I think you'd enjoy knowing them, and it'll give us a chance to talk.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Weber.

I'd love to.

Good. I'll expect both of you.

Can I count on it?

Well, I don't... You bet.

It'll be 6:00, uh, formal.

Call my secretary for directions, will you?

I'm going home now to talk with cook about the menu.

How does squab sound?

Something like this.


(whispers): Jim, please.

What are you doing, Alex?

I'm rapid reading.

It's a new power reading method I'm learning.

Pretty impressive, isn't it?

I'll say.

Wow. What are you reading?

I have no idea.

You don't know what you're reading?

Not a word.

Alex, I have a terrible problem.

I have to talk to you. ALEX: Yeah, just a minute, just a minute. I'm almost finished.

I'll help.

Anything need rubbing?

Well, would you come on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just a second, just a second.

Okay, what? What's the problem?

Last night at the concert, I ran into Elizabeth Weber.

She's one of the most influential people in society, and she invited me to a party at her house where everyone who's anyone in the New York art world will be there.

Get to the point, Elaine.

Can't you see that I'm in the middle of... Moby Dick?


Alex, the contacts I could make at this party, well, I'd need 20 years of working in the gallery to do something like that.

I mean, my entire career could be determined in this one night.

My bosses aren't even invited.

They would kill to be there.

The point, Elaine, get to the point.

Shut up, Reiger, and she'll get to the point.

Thank you.

The point is, it's the most important night of my life, and Jim has been invited as my date.


I'm sorry, Elaine.

I mean, I-I understand your situation, because I can just realize what Jim might do at an affair like that.

Alex. (chuckles): I'm sorry.

Come on, can't you see the humor in this?

There is no humor in this.

Alex, you weren't there last night when the conductor walked down to the podium and Jim yelled, "Down in front!"

(Alex and Louie laughing)

Stop it!

Stop laughing at me, both of you!

This is a problem and you're not helping!

Okay, okay, Reiger, Reiger, enough is enough.

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry, Elaine, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but, uh, all right, you do have a real problem.

Yes. Well, what are you gonna do?

I mean, all you can do is just go with him and hope for the best.

Oh, the best?

Alex, this is a man who, during the slow passages, rolled up his program and blew salted nuts into the tuba.


Aw, come on.

Reiger, Reiger!

Cut it out, huh?!

Can't you see she's reaching out to us?

I'm sorry, Elaine.

LOUIE: Come on, she's asking our advice...

Okay... because she doesn't want to hurt Iggy's feelings.


She cannot take him to this party, because he'll obviously blow this opportunity for her.

Yeah. And she'll regret it for the rest of her life.

God, look who understands me.

You know the difference between people like you and people like me, Nardo?

Yeah, two million years of evolution.


Will you shut up, Reiger?

Go on, Louie.

The difference is... that I... would dump him

(snaps fingers) without a second thought.

You'd dump him, but only after you tortured yourself with guilt. Oh, yes!

Either way, it's heartbreak hotel for Iggy.

So, make it easy on yourself.

Do what you have to do, but do it gentle... and quick. (snaps fingers)

Well, what do you know.

Yeah. Hmm.

Not bad, huh?

(quietly: Mm-hmm!

Think you could've handled that any better?


Oh, yes, I could have!


Elaine... come on, y-you're getting all worked up over nothing.

I mean, you know Jim.

If the invitation was made yesterday, there's a good chance he won't even remember being invited.

I'm sure he doesn't care about this party.

I-I'm sure that the whole thing is completely forgotten by now.

(laughs): Yeah.

JIM: ♪ Da-la-la, dum, dum ♪

♪ Puttin' on my ♪

♪ Top hat ♪

♪ Tying up my white tie ♪

♪ Brushing up my tails... ♪

(snapping fingers)


(big sigh)

(quietly): Gentle and quick.

Oh, come on, will ya?

Listen, Elaine, just listen to me.

What do you think?

Gentle and quick.

Did you rent that outfit?

Rent it? Nothing! I bought it!

The clerk told me that it would pay for itself in six months if I became the Ambassador to the Court of St. James.

Well, it looks very nice on you and sort of gives you that devil-may-care look.

How much did it cost?

Well, who cares?

♪ Da la da-da... ♪ Can I talk to you a minute? ♪ Da, da, da... ♪ You bet.

♪ Da-la-la, dum dum... ♪ Well...

♪ Ba-la-la, dee, dee, dee... ♪ This would be a lot easier without the humming.

It sure would. Where's that coming from?

(humming melody)

From you.

Oh. (uneasy chuckle)



I want to thank you again for last night.

I-I really did have a lovely time.

So did I.

A concert, right?

Yeah, the concert.


Jim, how would you feel if I asked you... if... I could go to the party by myself?

Why, sure, we can meet up there.

No. I mean... what if I asked you not to go at all?

Oh, oh, oh.

It would kill me.

Well, um... I could make it up to you.

W-We could go to a movie sometime.

A movie?

Yeah, we could dress up for it, too.

For a movie?


Oh, yeah. Oh.

Yeah, I-I understand.

Uh... it's okay.

You go ahead. Uh... Yeah.

We'll go to a movie sometime.

I promise you. All right.

Tell me all about the party.

I will.

Jim, how about going to that party with me?


Uh, what'll I wear?

Now, Jim, just remember, with these people, it's best to listen.

They love to talk.

A-a good listener will be a big hit.

Don't worry, Elaine, I'll make you proud.

Aw. Just be careful, okay? Uh-huh.

I mean, with these kinds of people, even I don't know how to act sometimes.

Well, then let me give you a little advice.

When you're talking to these highbrows, and they get you confused, the best thing to do is to stay calm and make small talk.

But... if someone says something really baffling to you, simply laugh knowingly and walk away.

Oh, Mrs. Weber, hello.

And, Mr. Ignatowski, how are you this evening?

Uh... (clears throat)

Nice weather we're having.

Ah. Wouldn't it be wonderful if it could always be this nice?

(mumbling): Oh... yeah.

Come, Elaine, there's some people I want to introduce you to.

Maybe I've become too cautious, or even jaded, but then every heartbreak seems to take a little more out of me, and I-I never fully recover.

Well, who does? Oh.

Isn't that the truth?

I suppose no one really does.

So, why risk the pain?

I mean, is it worth it?

Is anything worth it?

Who knows?


So why worry about it at all, right?


Oh, you have a very sensitive man.

Don't lose him.

Thank you so much for letting me unburden myself on you, Jim.

Do you mind if I give him a little kiss?

No, I don't mind.

(whispering): Baby, why don't you and I get together?



What were you two talking about?

(dry chuckle)

(clears throat)

Beats me.

It's getting so I can listen to anything.

You're doing a fine job tonight.

Thank you.

WEBER: Oh, my dearest, I'm so embarrassed, I don't know what to do.

The pianist hasn't shown up, and I promised these people entertainment.

Where could I go to substitute for someone at this late hour?

You're looking at him.


Jim... Oh, Mr. Ignatowski, you?

I'd be delighted to help you out of a tight spot.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Jim.

He's just kidding, really.

ELAINE: He-he loves to kid.

(chuckling): Oh, she...

Oh, she's right.

But I am dead serious.

Oh, oh, thank you, thank you.

Uh, my friends, will you take your seats, please?

Jim, you really don't mean this.

I mean, come on, we... Elaine, please, dear, will you sit right over here?

Thank you, dear.

(Weber clears throat)

WEBER: Although this evening's performer is indisposed, one of our guests has agreed to act as substitute...

Mr. James Ignatowski.


And we have Miss Elaine Nardo, as our sponsor and for our good fortune to thank.

Hear, hear.

Uh, stand up, Elaine.

Thank you.

(sotto voce): I wish I were dead.

My impression of a water cooler.


(belches loudly)

You ain't seen nothing yet.

He's a veteran! Oh.

And now, for you mime enthusiasts... here's one that never fails to delight.

These people...

This is not what they wanted to see.

They wanted to hear music.

Well, why didn't they say so?

Jim, why don't we just leave? I'll give it...

I'll give it a shot.

Please, can't we... (mumbles)

(Jim inhales deeply)


Here goes.

(playing "London Bridge Is Falling Down" off-key)

(stops playing abruptly)

(resumes playing "London Bridge Is Falling Down" off-key)


(resumes playing)

(stops playing)

Oh, the hell with it!

(playing "Fantasie Impromptu" harmoniously)

I must've had music lessons!

("Fantasie Impromptu" continues concordantly)

♪ ♪


Could you answer a question for me? Sure. Anything.

Did I have a good time tonight?

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)