Taxi S4E22 Script

Cooking for Two (1982)

(theme song playing)

MAN (on TV): Mrs. Carson, I don't think we have a lot of time.

WOMAN (crying): No. No, Val, no. Please.

Please don't go, Val.

(enormous thud)

(indistinct conversation on TV)

(enormous thud)

(debris falling)

(enormous thud)

(vehicles passing)


Hey, hey, Jim, what in the world happened?

Well, did you ever have one of those mornings?

You know, the kind when a big steel ball comes crashing through your apartment?

You mean a wrecking ball?

Yeah, yeah, I'll say.

It demolished the place.

They tore down your building without even warning you?

Well, you put up with a few inconveniences when you live in a condemned building.

ALEX: Hey, Jim, you look exhausted.

Why don't you go some place and get some sleep?

Ah, good idea, Alex.

Good night, Alex.

LOUIE: Forget it, Iggy.

You can't stay here.

What-what kind of a guy are you? LOUIE: No way!

No way! No way! The guy wants some rest.

Come on, boss, help me out!

He can't sleep in the garage.

Oh. Oh, great, great. Boy, you...

You-you want it from him, huh?

He's the last person in the world that'd help you out.

I don't want him staying here.

Let him stay at your apartment, Reiger.


Well, what are friends for?



Why not?

Why not let him stay with you?

Or you?

Or you?

LOUIE: Or you?

Well, now, you're a great bunch of pals.

ALEX: One of us would love to have him.

Yeah. LOUIE: Oh.

Wouldn't one of us?

Yeah. To have him?

Sure, one of us would.

So, who's it gonna be?

(wry chuckle)

Hey, Iggy, you'd be a good guest, wouldn't you?

Well, sometimes I leave the cap off the toothpaste.


I forget to wipe my feet, and I usually scream for several hours in my sleep.

I don't mind a little screaming in the middle of the night. Do you?

What else are friends for?

So... who's taking Iggy home?

Well, I, you know...

Well, um...

You-you want to draw lots?

ALEX: No. No, no, no, no.

That's not the problem.

That's not the problem, Jim.

The problem is, we'd all love to have you.

Yeah. That's right, all of us. That's the problem Well, look, let me make it easy for you.

Iggy, if you had your choice... Uh-huh.

Of all your friends, which one would you like to stay with?

JIM (sighing): Uh... promise there won't be any hurt feelings if I pick my best buddy?

Oy... Oh, that sounds fair.

That couldn't be fairer. Yeah.

Then it's settled.

I'll be the perfect guest.

It's you, boss.

(funny groan)

Well, that sounds like a good choice.

Yeah. (Louie grumbling)

TONY: See you, Louie. Wait, wait. Wait, wait.

Wait. See you later now.

See you, guys.

Thanks for bailing me out, boss.

Hey, dirt face, I'm not your best friend.

Oh, yes, you are. No.

Look who just came through for me.

No, no, no, no, no.

If we didn't live in a society that got hung up on the fear of members of the same sex sharing mutual affection for each other, I'd kiss you full on the mouth.


Apparently, the thought makes you uncomfortable.

Well, let's forget it and go home. No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, come on, come on. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Relax. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no. Come on.

Hey, get your hands off of me!

Okay. Get out!

How's married life, Latka?

Oh, it's fine.

I like it very much.

I like the frequent sex, and Sim-Simka is a very good cook.

She wants me to... to ask you all you can come to dinner on June 15?

Why June 15?

Okay, well, how about tonight?

(Louie grunts)

It wasn't so bad.

We played pool.

We went to sleep.

He screamed.

We went back to sleep.

Uh, what's going on?

Oh, nothing much.

Latka invited everybody to his house for dinner tonight with him and his wife.

Oh, boy.

Latka's in really good spirits lately, ain't he?

Yeah, he sure looks happy.

(Jeff chuckles) (whistling)

You know, I don't, uh, feel out of line saying this, uh, Jeff, because, uh, well, we-we, uh, you know, we worked side by side, you know, for a long time.

You become pretty close?

Yeah. Pals?

Um, I think, uh, you ought to think about getting married and settling down.

I am married, Louie.

Well, hey, congratulations!

When did this happen?

About 11 years ago.

Congratulations again.

And, uh, uh... and, uh, pass that along to missus, uh...

Bennett. My last name is Bennett, Louie.

I knew that. I knew that.


Hey, Alex, it's for you.

Who is it? I don't know.

The guy's screaming and sobbing so loud, I can't tell.


No, no, no, come on.

Come on, Jim. Nothing could be that bad.

What is it?

No. Just-just tell me what happened.

Ji... Jim, you're at Louie's, right?

All-all right, I'll, I'll be right there.


Who is it?

It's me, Alex.


Hi, Alex.

Hi, Ji... Oh, my God!

Then it's noticeable!

I knew it!

Jim! Jim! Jim!

What the hell happened here?

Well, it's the old story.

I was smoking in bed.

And you fell asleep?

No. I didn't notice the flames consuming the apartment.


I left something burning on the stove.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God in heaven, look at this place!

Oh, I-I don't...

What do you think is gonna happen, Alex?

Do you think Louie's gonna be upset?

The question is, is whether he'll kill you or not. Oh...

Holy mackerel!

Everything Louie owns has been destroyed!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not true.

I'll fix it up.

I'll work hard.

You'll help me. Huh?

There's a lot we can do in a few hours.

What are you talking about?

Uh, some paint, uh, some wallpaper, a few flowers discreetly placed about.


It's gonna be okay.

Yeah, well, all-all right. Right, Alex?

Alex, isn't it gonna be okay? Yeah, yeah, okay.

Right, Alex, tell me it's gonna be fine.

No, no, no, no. Jim, Jim, calm down, calm down.

Isn't it gonna be okay, Alex? Calm down, calm down.

Alex, please, is it gonna be okay? Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim...

Alex. Calm... calm... calm... calm... Now, don't panic.

You hear me?

Don't panic!

You're right, Alex.

The thing to do is to calm down and rationally assess the situation.

Everything's gonna be okay.


No, no, Jim, Jim, Jim, please. Jim.

Easy, easy, easy, easy.

(man whistling)

JIM: I think I hear him coming.

(whistling continues)

Oh, my God.

(door opening) LOUIE: Oh, Iggy, I'm home!

What are you cooking?



Uh, boss... (clears throat)

I owe you an apology.

Just keep in mind that material possessions are simply excess baggage on the journey of life.

Everything I own is destroyed!

(hollow note plays)


Louie, Louie, Louie, Jim had a horrible accident.

I mean, I-I know it's a terrible loss for you, but, uh, thank God nobody was hurt.


Thank God nobody was hurt?

Thank God that this man who just destroyed everything I ever owned...

No, no, no, no, no... in my life was not killed! Was not killed! Louie! Louie!

Was not killed. Not everything was destroyed, boss.

Not everything.

Louie... (growling)

I saved your most prized possession.

See, boss?

Your beloved violin.

JIM: The only irreplaceable thing in your life.

I risked my life...

to see that it wasn't hurt.

My violin.

He treasures that more than anything in the world.

Good thing I didn't save the piano.

Look what you've done!

My apartment... my life... everything's gone.

My bumper pool table!

(crying): My... my rug.

My TV.

(switch clicks)

(switch clicks)

My Time Life books on the great lizards.

Ma's needlepoint pillow.


LOUIE: Oh...

My photographs.

My piano, my-my photographs, my TV, my books.

My-my bumper pool set is destroyed!

Not all of it, boss.

These two pool balls are okay.

Don't cry, boss.

Please, don't cry.


(screams) Oh!


Get out! Out! Get out!

I never want to see your face again. Boss...

You're fired!

You're fired!

Hey, Lou, Lou...

I mean, Lord knows, this is a terrible...

You get out, too!

Hey, Louie... Out, out, out, out, out!

I can't believe this happened.

Louie, Louie... Leave me alone!

♪ ♪


I feel terrible about what happened.

I came here to give you this.

Nothing is gonna change my mind.

Nothing, you understand?

Now get out of here!

Guess I'll go and get my things.


I'm really gonna miss this place.

It was wonderful working with you guys.

Okay, Jim.

Hey, Jim... Huh?

We'll try to find something for you, you know, like a-a another job or, uh... TONY: Yeah.

Well... nah.

It's back in the streets for me.

Don't you see?

I was a success here not because of the job, but because of that man over there.

He yelled at me.

He abused me, but he made me work!

Where else am I gonna find a guy like Louie?

Try Amityville.

Louie, aren't you even gonna look at this?


JIM: If you won't read it, at least let Alex read it to you.

If it touches you, good.

If it doesn't, not another word.

I'll just disappear.

"Dear Boss"... (harmonica playing)

"Dear Boss.

"I always..."

"I always swore I'd never ask my father for money,"

"even though he has a lot..."

"But I hoped in some way, "money might make up for your loss.

"So, even if you never forgive me,"

"I hope you'll accept the enclosed check."

"With all best wishes for you,"

"dictated but not read, James Ignatowski."

Hey, look at this, there's a check...

Hey, Jim, I don't want to criticize your old man, but what good is this check?

I mean, he signed it, but he forgot to fill in the amount.

A blank check?


Let me see that!

You can't give a blank check to Louie! Give me that.

That's okay, Elaine.

Dad said Louie could make it out for whatever amount he thought was fair.

I told dad he could trust your sense of honor.

That he can.

Would you believe it?

I'm salivating.

Ha, I'm actually salivating.

Boss? Yeah.

Does that mean you forgive me?

I forgive you, Iggy.

Can I have my job back?

You can have your job back.

Does it mean you love me again?

I didn't love you before.

It's like old times.

Boss, you just make out that check for whatever amount you want.

Except... Except? What except?

How come except?

Except that I have to call my dad, and tell him the amount so he can cover it.



All right.

Ah, now I want complete silence while I figure out... the amount.



Jim! Are you crazy?

He's gonna fill that out for a million dollars!

That's why you're a cabdriver, Reiger.

If I fill this check out for a million bucks, his dad would never cover it.

But there is a figure, an exact figure, one that's big enough so that he'll go... (shudders)

But not so big that he won't say, "Well!"

Why don't you try the real figure, $8,000 or $9,000?

(laughs hysterically)

ELAINE: Look at him.

Eight or nine, eight or nine...

Jim, why are you laughing?

'Cause the boss is so happy.

Yeah, yeah!

Let's see what we got here, Iggy.

Come on.


All right.

All right, now.


No, no, no, that's too high, that's too high.

He'll never go for that. Never.

40... 48.

If I say 48, he'll think 50, and he won't go for it. Uh-huh.

If I say 47, he'll think 48, he'll think 50, he won't go for it.

If I say 46, he'll think 47, he'll think 48, he'll think 50, he won't go for it.

If I say 45, he'll say 46... Louie!

So, we rule out the 40s.



It's no good! It's too high.

He'll go nuts.

He won't pay it.

All right.

Now, let's see.



In there, somewhere in there, 24... eight.

You know, in its own way, this is kind of spellbinding.

All right, $20,000... 20,000... $26,000.

Oh, wait a minute!


And here, 24.



27,000, that's it!

Call your father.

$27,000. That's it!

TONY: Are you sure, Louie?

I-I gotta see it on paper.


What's that look like to you, Banta?

I've never seen that much money in one place before.

It's too much.

He'll never pay that. Wait! Wait!

Wait! Wait.

24,000... 23,000... 22,000... 20... 20...

27,000! 27!

It's what I said the first time! 27.

Tell him 27.






That's right.

Twenty-nine thousand... five hundred and forty.

Two! Two!

Uh, twenty-nine thousand five hundred and forty-two.


Bye, Dad.

Uh, Dad, I love you.

(phone clicks)



Huh? Did he okay it?

He sure did, boss. He okayed it!

He okayed it! Congratulations!

He okayed it!

Let's have three cheers for the human torch!

(three puffs)


Boy, dad was relieved!

He said he was afraid it was gonna be something like $200,000.


Look at him.

He's overcome with emotion, just like I am.

Damn it!

That kiss is gonna happen sometimes, and you know it.

Get over here.

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

Come on. (mumbles) ...2,000.

Let the world talk.

Come on.

Get away from me!

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)