Taxi S4E23 Script

The Road Not Taken: Part 1 (1982)

(theme music playing)


All right? Yeah.

We'll shuffle it again, all right?

Can I show you guys a card trick?

Yeah, sure.

Go ahead.

Uh, could I have a little room here?

Okay, it's all right.

JIM: Okay, now.

Latka, pick a card, show it to Tony and Alex.

Okay. And put it back in the deck.

I got it. All right.

Okay, here you go.

All right.

Now here comes the good part.

I'm gonna magically make Latka's card rise to the top of the deck.


What was your card?

The queen of spades.


Not only has your card risen to the top of the deck, but it has changed into the ace of diamonds.

Oh, Jim.

No, no, he's right. He was lucky.

Let me see you do that again. No, no, no.

Always leave them wanting more.

Thank you very much.

Guys, I need some advice.


I have a very important decision to make, and it's driving me crazy.

I was just offered a job as manager of this terrific new art gallery in Seattle.

It-it's small now, but it has potential, and I can grow with it. Oh.

Seattle is a great town.

I got friends there.

Well, that's one strike against it.

But the other drawback... here I'd have to uproot my family, you know, and leave my-my friends and everything, Yeah. And-and reestablish myself in a strange community 3,000 miles away.

So, what do you think I should do?

I don't know.

I don't know either.

You know, but I had to make a decision like this once.

It was the crossroads of my life.

Maybe if I told you about it, it would help you.

Oh, yeah.

Good, 'cause I'd love to tell it.

(crowd cheering)

You remember our strategy for the fight, don't you, kid?

Yeah, Jack, uh, don't lead with my right, uh, keep moving, uh, work the body and watch out for the left hook, and, above all, flatter the bum.


Flatten the bum.

Flatten him.

Oh, that makes more sense.

Makes more sense?

Why would go out and flatter someone you were gonna fight?

Psychological ploy?

Oh, I guess if he's wearing a particularly nice pair of shorts, it couldn't hurt to mention it.

Hello, Jack.


Like to talk to your boy here.

Uh, no, Frank, he's a good kid.

He's a good kid.

(door closes)

Heard a lot about you.

Heard you have real promise.


Gonna win a lot of fights. Yeah.

But you're not gonna win tonight.

Wilkes is gonna drop you in the third round.

Gee, no wonder Jack didn't want you to talk to me.

You're so discouraging.

I represent some people who've bet a lot of money against you.

Oh, no.

Are they right very often?

Oh, wait, don't tell me, man.

This could shake my confidence.

Think I better try a different approach.

I want you to take a dive.

In the third round.

In the ring.


You want me to throw the fight?

That's what I'm asking.

I thought so.

Well, you can forget it.

You cooperate, we'll make things easy for you.

Money, training, uh, good fight dates.

You know, a chance to move up.

Losing this fight could be the best thing you ever did for your career.

But you cross me, you're gonna be sorry.

Hey, you know, you're the kind of guy that gives Italians a bad name.

I'm not Italian.

Well, do they know you're doing this?

Think it over, kid.

Don't be a sap.

I'm sorry, Tony, but these kind of things happen.

It's okay. Just tell me what round you're going down in, so I can help you make it look good.

Ah, forget it.

You ain't gonna have to do that, 'cause I ain't laying down for that guy.

Tony, think about it.

Frank must have made some good offers.

Money, fights, a better manager.

Better manager? What do I need a better manager for?

I got you, Jack. When it comes to training fighters, you wrote the book, bud.

I know you think so, but I'm not that great.

I mean, jumping rope for timing, I didn't really think that up.

How about, how about running for stamina?

I hate to burst your bubble, kid, but, uh, that's older than jumping rope.

How about improving the speed of my punches by shaving my forearms?

You mean, my wind resistance theory?


The point is you're a great manager.

And we're gonna go out there together, and we're gonna win.

I'm proud of you, Tony.

You got a lot of guts standing up to those guys.

I'm gonna be with you all the way, in spirit.

What do you mean "in spirit"? I mean, ain't you gonna be in my corner? Don't you care?

Of course, I care.

And I want to hear all about it after the fight.

You call me at my sister's place in Union City.

Use a pay phone.

I'll call you.

See ya.

(door closes)

Yeah, well, I'm glad you're gone.

I don't need your help anyway.

I don't need nobody's help.

I'll win this fight alone with nobody's help.

Excuse me, somebody, please!

Banta, Wilkes, no head butting, no low blows.

In the event of a knockdown, go to a neutral corner.

Shake hands.

And good luck.

Hey, I feel sorry for you, man.

You're fighting an angry man with a cause.

And I hope you bet a lot of money on your boy, 'cause you're gonna lose it tonight, see?

I'm gonna pulverize him.

(bell rings)

You're going down hard tonight, man.

Tony Banta don't take no dives for nobody.

I know, man. That's why they got me to take the dive.

You're taking the dive?

That's right!

You're a disgrace!

I know, man, but tag me a good one so I can go down, okay?

Break it up!

No, man, I don't want no part of this.

Come on, man, I need the dough! No, no.


Go to a neutral corner.

Six, seven...

How do you live with yourself?

Eight, nine, ten!

You're out! (crowd cheering)

Oh, Tony, that was a tough decision you had to make.

I respect your choice.

It makes me want to hear what you think I should do.

Well, I'm flattered.

I think you should ask Alex.

No, Tony.

Now, look, I don't want that responsibility.

Ahh... Thank you.

Tony, I want to hear what you think.

Okay, here goes.

Think you should wait.

Think you should hang in there, stay cool, and sooner or later, even though he says he's not going to, Alex is gonna tell you what to do.

Hey, come on, Tony.

Nardo, you're wasting your time listening to Profiles in Sewage here.

You want some real help?

You listen to a success story... mine.

I don't want to hear this story.

Oh, I do, I do.

I have been looking for something to fill the void ever since my last canker sore.



Come on, Louie, tell.

I was at the lowest point in my life...

Toiling at a menial, dead-end job, far beneath my dignity as a human being.

Hey, what were you doing, Louie?

I was a cabdriver.


Only $25 for an entire shift?

Oh, this is just terrible.

It's terrible.

I know how you feel, son.

I'll tell you what, I'll give you a little something that'll pick your spirits up a wee bit.

A little slice of heaven.

A piece of my wife's peach pie.

You know, I was saving it for myself for lunch, but I'm thinking that you'll need it more than I do.


(blowing nose)

Oh, you still haven't cured that cold yet, have you, Phillipe?

Well, let me set aside cab 512 for you.

It's got the best heater in the fleet.

Thanks a lot.

Top o' the morning to you, Louie.

Cram it up your bagpipe.

Well, it so happens I've got a little something here that'll make you feel a tad happier.

Forget it.

Your wife's peach slop gives me the trots.

Anybody for a game of strip poker?

A pair or better to open, Lydia.


Uh, Louie?


Could I have a word with you?

Ah, sure.

See, I-I've got to take my sister to the doctor's.

Nothing serious, mind you.

Oh, you don't know how relieved I am.

Well, you see, you're the only man who knows this job as well as I do, so if you could take charge of the office for a couple of hours, I'd be everlastingly grateful to you for the wee favor.

(laughing): Are you kidding?

You want me to give up two hours of tips and fares to sit in the cage while you're off goldbricking at a doctor's office? Ha!

I'm sorry it has to come to this, but, uh, if you force me to order you, Louie, I will.

Go on, go on.

Aw, come on.

(speaking indistinctly) Eh...

All right, all right.

All right, but don't think you're gonna make a habit of this. All right.

How about letting them know who's in charge here?

Uh, attention, everybody!

Hey, wh-what's the matter with this, it doesn't work?

Now, why would a person want to blast their voice over a loudspeaker when they could talk to them very...

Now, hear this!

For the next two hours, Louie De Palma, totally against his will, is gonna be squandering his precious talent sitting in a cage doing a job a chimpanzee could do.

Louie, I'll be back shortly.

Uh, I'm sorry, but I'll be making it up to you.

I promise. In fact, you know, I'll tell you what.

I'll get me missus to bake a Brown Betty for the company picnic... How's that?

Yeah, who's gonna bring the Bromo?

All right, all right, let's get some butts on the road here.

Um... Rodriguez, cab 222.

Louie, Tom said I could have cab 512.

'Cause I got a cold, and it's got the best heater.

Did he say he'd wipe your nose for you, too?

Beat it! This job stinks enough without being a baby-sitter.



Five bucks for a cab with a heater?

(choral music playing)

Yeah, I was around then.

It took Louie one week to undermine poor old Tom's authority, shake his confidence and drive him right into retirement.

Thanks for spoiling the ending, Reiger!

Aw, what the hell, I'll tell you anyway.


Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I wasn't the end of the world for that old geezer.

He became a crosswalk guard.

So, uh, what was Louie's crossroad, when he decided to crawl out from under the rock?

No, it was, uh...

In fact, no, that's what it was.

Oh, come on, you guys, help me decide this.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's see, let's see.

Uh... e-excuse me, fellas.

I have a story to tell Elaine.

Hey, Jim, does it have anything to do with what we're talking about?

One can only hope.

(clears throat)

It was... long ago, a simpler time.

These brownies are great.

I'm really stoned.

(sitar music playing)

Oh, wow. (chuckles)

Far out.

Everything is just so beautiful!

I'm just embarrassed that you're seeing me crying like a baby.

Gordon... Gordon, you're not crying.

W-Well, what am I doing?

You're smiling and happy.

(chuckles): Great! Great.

I'm smiling.

I'm happy.

Jim, watch this.

It is psychedelic.

Heather, I have seen a lava lamp.

They're very colorful and amusing for about five seconds.

Now, let's go to the library and do some studying.

Jimmy, sometimes you are such a drag.

Hey, I like to party as much as the next guy.

(laughs): Yeah, if the next guy is a Quaker.

Congratulations, Gordon, that was almost a complete sentence.


Well, if you will excuse me, I have some studying to do in the library.

Aw, Jim, Jim... don't you understand?

Huh? I mean, all the studying, all the books and all the libraries and all the gymnasiums...

I forgot my thought!

Jim, just sit down for a while and have a brownie with us.

Oh, no.

Are those funny brownies?

Funny brownies?

Don't get cute, Heather.

You love it when I'm cute. Oh, don't...

All right, come on, stop it, stop it, stop it.

Come on.

(laughing): Come on, I love it, I love it, okay, I...

Now, come on, Heather, what's in the brownies?

Sugar, eggs, chocolate, marijuana, flour and walnuts.

You've been feeding us walnuts?!

I-I will study here, but I can't have any distractions because I'm doing my term paper on Plutarch's Lives.

So... the music and the brownies have to go, and I'm pulling the plug on the groovy lamp.


Oh, so what are we supposed to do now?

I have a suggestion: we could study.

Let's split.

Well, I'm taking my lamp.


Heather, I think we better have a talk.

I'll catch up with you guys later.

Yo! GORDON (muffled grunt): Okay, Heather...

You've changed.

Jimmy, I'm just doing my own thing.

You should try it.

When are you gonna realize that it's not just doing your own thing, it's doing the right thing?!

We're not here to party or to protest, but to learn.

Who is gonna be the leaders of tomorrow?

How did you guys beat me here?

Gordon, this is our room.

I thought the ceiling looked familiar.

(sitar music continues)

Really good band.

And you think Mr. Fog over there is more fun than I am?

Jimmy, I like it that you're a serious, motivated person who wants so much to realize his potential, but you've got to have some fun.

I know that!

Don't you think I want to be a rounded person?

But I do have fun, though.

The glee club is great fun.

I don't need drugs to have fun!

I get high on life.

I very high on life.

As a matter of fact, I'm high right now!

Jimmy, everybody's doing marijuana.

It's something I enjoy, and I want to share it with my boyfriend.

Is that so terrible?

The best available research indicates that for some people it's habit-forming and leads to harder drugs.

And, who knows, I could be one of those people.

You can't reject it until you try it.

Come on, please? (sighs): Oh, Heather, first you nag me into premarital sex.

Okay, I'll give you that.

Come on.

For our relationship, okay?


If I try it once, will you promise never to bring it up again?



I've done it.

It's over with.

I don't want to hear about it again.

And let's just hope it's not habit-forming.


Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Now, let's go study.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)