Taxi S4E5 Script

Louie's Fling (1981)

(theme song playing)

LOUIE (over radio): Hey, Reiger, what are you gonna be doing on this miserable cold night while I'm cuddling with my girlfriend Zena, sipping wine and watching the Miss Universe pageant?

I'll be driving, Lou.


You'll be driving an old woman and a sick husky to the vet.

Hudson and Jane Street.

Thank you, Lou.

So long, Reiger.

Mush, mush!

Over and out.

Hi, Zena.

(woman sobbing loudly) What's that?

It's Emily; she's in the bathroom.

Oh, no! I thought you said you were gonna get rid of her!

I want to watch Miss Universe.

I'm sorry, but Emily is very upset, and she needs me.

Oh... Oh, try and understand.

She's been living with this guy, Adam, for three years, supporting him so he could finish art school.

The day he graduates, he tells her he's leaving to marry another woman!

That's it?

Oh... (groans)

Louie, be a sport! Come on!

(Emily crying)

(sniffling) Zena, I feel terrible inflicting myself on you like this.

Maybe I should go.

No, no, no, no, absolutely not.

Just come on and sit down, okay?

Emily, this is my boyfriend, Louie.

Yeah, yeah, tough break.


(still crying) (TV playing)

I just keep asking myself, "Is it really over?"

I just can't believe it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

What am I gonna do?

What? What? Shh!

ZENA: Louis!

I said, "Shh," not shut up.

I really should leave.

Emily, please stop that.

Hey, hey, hey, how about a drink, huh?

No, I probably shouldn't drink.

I'm taking some medication.

What are you taking?

I got a mild sedative from my doctor and, uh, and one from my mother.

And, oh, yeah, the super gave me one.

I just had to have something to help me get through this.


What is that?!


Louie, would you please mind opening up the wine?

I'd like some.



Sure you don't want something to wash down the goofballs?


Yeah, why not?

I'm going for numb.

Here, numb up, numb up, numb up.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

I know what my problem is.

I let him know just how much I loved him.

You see, Louie, I don't hold anything back and so, I don't have anything left.

TV ANNOUNCER: And now a word from our sponsor...

You know, Emily, I don't think that's your problem.

Louie, you hardly even know Emily.

I don't think she wants your advice.

No, I'm curious.

I'd like to hear an impartial opinion.

Well, I'd like to get this in before the commercial's over.

Uh, look, Emily, uh, did either of your parents drink a lot?

My father.

That's it!

He was unstable and unpredictable, but there was a kind of excitement about that.

Now you're seeking out that excitement in a man.

You look for that craziness, and it blows up in your face.

I'm missing the swimsuits.

Do you realize what that man just did?

He summed up my entire life.

Why are you always apologizing about him?

There are moments when I'm proud of the lug.

Thank you.


Well, I gotta go.

ZENA: Oh, no, Emily, stay.

EMILY: No, no, I feel like I'm imposing, and... and besides, I'm a lot better now. I'll be fine.

Are you sure? Mm-hmm.

I just want to go freshen up a little.

Not that it'll ever matter again.


(silent cheers)

Louie, we can't let her go like that.

Why? It's good for her she's leaving.

After being dumped, seeing the catch you got is like rubbing salt in the wounds.

Look, would you mind calling one of your cabs for her?

I can't let her walk home.

Oh, give me the phone, give me the phone.

(Emily sobbing)


I hate to just put her in a cab.

I know it's asking a lot, but would you go along with her?

Oh, no, Zena, I can't... I don't want to do that!

Miss Barbados is gonna play the French horn.


(mumbling): Yeah...

LOUIE: All right, all right.

Oh! Reiger, they sent you.


Take us to 324 Christopher Street, Driver.


Always glad to do a favor for a friend.

You piece of dirt.

Emily, I'd like you to meet Alex Reiger.

Alex, this bit of emotional wreckage is Emily, a good friend of Zena's and mine.

Take it easy on her; she just got dumped.

Nice to meet you, Alex.

Yeah, hi there.

He reminds me of Adam, the same Semitic coloring.

Adam even had one of those flannel shirts when they were in style. Hey.

Hey, lady, come on, what'd I do to you?

It's okay, Reiger, she's scrambled eggs.

Look, Emily, you gotta stop thinking about this guy.

You're right, I've got to stop thinking about him.

And I'm not gonna be able to do that as long as I've got things that remind me of him.

Look, Adam and me at Tanglewood.

Step on it, will you, Reiger?

Adam and me at my sister's wedding.

(crying): Adam.

And look, I'm carrying his love letters.

Can you believe I still carry his love letters?

You know, you got an ashtray back there.


Hostile, just like Adam.

Oh, I... There I go again, I'm sorry.

Do you have a handkerchief?

Not one big enough for you.


Now, now, lady, this is it, Reiger, this is it.

All right, that's good.

Let it all out.

Have yourself a good cry, but do it outside.

You're on the meter in here.

Come on.

Oh, wait a minute.

That's a pretty dark building you're going into there.

Look at all the scuzzos out front.

Um... when you get to your apartment, flick the lights on and off so we know you're okay.

Go on, get out.

Louie, Louie, walk her up.

What? Walk her up.

Look, I'm not walking her... Walk her up.

No, I don't want to! Walk her up!

Walk her, walk her! I don't want to!

What are we, Knights of the Round Table?

Walk her!

All right, I'll walk her, but you wait for me, Reiger.

This is the worst Miss Universe night I ever spent.

Hang on, screwball!

(door unlocking)

LOUIE: Yeah, yeah, there you are.

Here you are, home safe and sound.

Oh, here, here.

Thanks a lot, Louie. All right, all right.

I really appreciate the lift and, you know, you walking me up and everything.

Yeah, all right.

I hate being this needy.

It's okay.

We all make asses of ourselves.



Yeah, made you smile, huh?


You're a real friend.

Yeah, well, okay, good night.

And you're a lovely man.


I don't know what wonderful thing you're gonna say next.


Well, I'll tell ya, uh, you know what a real friend is?


Well, frankly, I don't know very many quotes, but, uh, I think perhaps Mark Twain put it best when he said, "A friend is somebody who, who laughs at our jokes when they're not so good and who sympathizes with our troubles when they're not so bad."

Mark Twain was the most brilliant man who ever lived.

Yeah, but who slipped it into the conversation?

Well, thanks again.

Yeah. Good night.

Good night, good night.

My mouth always opens a little bit.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You know what I'm gonna say next, don't you?

Yeah, get the hell out of here. I don't want to be alone.

Get the hell out of here? You don't want to be alone?

I don't want to be alone. Get the hell out of here.

Okay, Reiger, how much do I owe you?

Oh, yeah.

How long did you wait before you figured out that Louie De Palma was gonna score with that girl?

An hour.

It took me that long to realize that you could do something that low to Zena.

Louie, I'm appalled.

You made Alex wait a whole hour outside the building?

Tony, you don't know what you're saying.

Shoot, every time I try to use a fancy word, I screw it up. No.

Tony, the word is right.

But the point is, he spent the night with Zena's best friend.

Louie... I'm candid.

You'll want to hear this.

There she was, dejected, desperate and stoned.

Everything I could hope for in a woman.

And we went for each other.

And now, I have two. Two.

I have two women.

Look, two phone numbers. Hmm?


For this guy, I don't mind tellin' ya, it's a dream come true. Oh, boy...

I'm tellin' ya, I never thought it would happen.

Don't give up on your dreams, Reiger.

I hung in there.

I persevered.

And now, I stand humble in the promised land with a babe on each arm.


Gather 'round me, boys.

Let me give you some advice.

Take notes if you wish.


Follow those dreams.

Chase those rainbows.

Climb every mountain and ye shall be rewarded.

"Ye"? What's with him?

Uh-uh-uh, this is guy talk, guy talk.

Nobody tell Nardo anything or you'll set her off.

Tell Nardo what?

Louie's been having a fling with Zena's best friend.


Oh, Louie... Ye really are slime.

Take it easy now, Nardo. No!

Take... You know something?

I'm glad you're gonna lose Zena.

I'm glad.

How will I lose her?

Because sooner or later, someone won't be able to stomach what you did, and they're gonna tell her.

Nobody is gonna tell Zena anything.

Oh, no? Why not?

Because it would hurt her.


But you know someone will tell her, because they like Zena, and they don't like you.

And even though it's gonna hurt her at first, eventually she'll get over it.

And it'll make her get rid of you.

And that's the best thing that could ever happen to her.


She's right.

She's right.

It'll get out.

It's impossible to keep the lid on something like this.

I gotta tell her... Tell her myself.

She loves me, and she'll forgive me.

Thanks a lot, Jim.

Hey, uh, boss?

About those inspiring words you made a few moments ago, I didn't get a few of the words at the end.

What comes after, "Follow those dreams, chase those rainbows..."?

Suck rope, bean brain.

"Suck rope, bean brain."

Well, it fizzles out a little there at the end, but it's a timeless message anyway.

Hi, Zena.

Louie, what happened last night?

I was so worried. Uh...

Look, there's something I gotta tell ya.

This isn't easy.

But to be as gentle as possible, last night, your girlfriend and I... we took a hammock ride.


Oh, God!

Now, don't blame yourself.

Emily! How could she?

I can never be friends with her again.

That's for sure.

I must say, I lost a lot of respect for her myself.

And you!

Get out of here!

I don't want to see you again.

I don't want to know you exist!

Me? You're getting mad at me, the victim?

"Victim," what are you talking about?

You don't know that woman, Zena.

She's a temptress.

I didn't know what hit me.

Maybe you were a victim.

You're a weak man who hasn't had much pleasure in his life.

Yeah, you're right.

I was a victim.

Thanks for understanding.

And besides, how long can this thing between me and Emily go on anyway?

"Go on"?

You want to continue?


Get your stuff and get out of here right now!

Well, what'd I say? We were doing so good.

Don't say another word!

Twist things!

You lie!

You're a user, Lou!

You take and you take and you take and you never give!

Don't call me! Don't write me!

Forget where I live!

I don't want see you again!

You're selfish and you're miserable!

Zena, do you want those to be the last words we ever say to each other?


You're garbage!


LOUIE: Oh, Emily, it's Louie.

Hi. Just some bric-a-brac I didn't have time to take home.

I'm not moving in yet.

(snickering) Uh, Louie.

I don't know quite how to put this.

It's about last night.

Ah... (laughs).

Were you taller?


Were you a lot better dressed?


Did you have more hair?

Well, not last night, but I did once.

What's going on here?

Louie, last night... was a mistake.

"Mistake"? What do you mean? What're you talkin' about?

I wasn't myself last night.

Well, whoever you were, applause, applause.

Look, Louie, I was really sick last night.

I shouldn't have had that wine and, frankly, I had a lot too many of those pills.

Was that it? You're out of pills.

I can get you pills.

No, you're forcing me to be completely honest with you.

In the light of day, you're gross and disgusting.

So what?

Uh, Emily, uh, some of the finest things in life are repulsive at first.

Uh, look, look at caviar.

Uh, Louie, um, I didn't want to discuss my personal life with you anymore, but I will.

My boyfriend wants me back.


He's gonna be here in five minutes.

Now, he's very territorial when it comes to me, and I don't want him to see you here.

But what? I can't leave.

I lost Zena.

I mean, you're all I got left.

I could go back to one, but zip?

I can't do zip again.

(doorbell buzzes)

Oh, God. There he is.

Um, I'll go downstairs and stall him.

You'd better get your things and get out of here.

He's crazy jealous. (doorbell buzzes)

Take the freight elevator to the cellar and go out through the alley. But Emily...

Oh, Reiger... Reiger, you're here.

Thank God! Thank God!

Thank God you're here! What's...?

Thank you, God! Louie, Louie.

What is it? Reiger, you got to help me.

You got to help me. What? What?

I'm at the lowest point in my life.

I lost Zena, and Emily sobered up.

She thinks I'm disgusting.

Well, you've heard that before.

Reiger... I had it all!

I had Zena, an adorable, sensitive woman.

A woman with a heart as big as a pig.

And I had Emily.

She was sensuous and exciting.

She made me do things that I never did with any other woman.

I don't think I want to hear this.

Reiger! What?

I talked baby talk to her.

"Baby talk"?

What're you talkin' about?

I said... (talks baby talk)

I was right, I was right. Reiger...

I don't want to hear this.


I even said, "I wuv you."

I got nothing left, Reiger.

I can't ever get Zena back, no!

She'll never come back to me, not after as mad as she was.

No way!

There's nothing I can do, nothing.

Well, there's always the obvious.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not going to give you some trick to get Zena back.

I think she's well rid of you.

But, but you know there's something?

I have a mind. I have a thought, yes, but I'm not going to tell you.

This is what's called "just desserts," Louie.

Reiger... I gotta tell you.

I'm so sorry for what I did.

I want to die.


I'm all alone.

It's too much.

Uh... (continues crying)

Louie. Louie, please.

Louie, would you please... Please!

Louie. Louie!

Look, Louie.

They're probably not even talking to each other anymore, and Zena doesn't know what you did.

Look, Louie, all you have to do is go to Zena and say, "I've given up Emily for you.

And I'm never going to see her again."

And then you'd better promise her that you're going to spend the rest of your life making up for what you did.

And you'd better mean it, Louie.

And then, maybe then, she'll take you back.

(crying stops)

That'll work.

It's so simple.

I couldn't think of it because I was too depressed.

But I knew if I cried some crocodile tears, I could get your mind working for me, Reiger.

Excuse me.

I'm off to get my woman back.

Oh, no! No! No!

How could I let this happen again?

I promised I wouldn't let it happen to me again, and it happened!

I'm such a jerk!



The tears were real.

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters!