Taxi S4E7 Script

Louie's Mom Remarries (1981)

(theme song playing)


Come on, Tony.

You just have to accept the fact that Latka has multiple personalities.

Vic Ferrari is one of them.

But it's not fair.

I mean, Latka works here all year, and then Vic takes his vacation.

Well, look at it this way, Tony.

If Latka takes a vacation, it's a dull vacation, but if Vic takes it... (laughs)

Deal 'em.

(as Vic): Hey, guys.

Hey. Hi. Hey.

Hey, I know you're gonna break some hearts today.

Hey, uh... hey, Vic, uh, you all set on your vacation?

Well, I found an outrageous condo in Sugarloaf.

Four bedrooms, fireplace.

A hot tub?

Well, it will be when I get into it.

(laughs)

I'm sorry.

I couldn't resist.

(high-pitched sigh)

I couldn't resist.

Hey, uh, Vic, do you know, this sounds pretty expensive.

Where are you gonna get the money?

Well, I'm not gonna pay for it all myself.

I'm gonna have roomies.

I have to find four guys by Tuesday.

You know, it's very hard to find the right kind of people.

Why, are-are you looking for good skiers?

Oh, Elaine, you're so naive.

Give me a hug.

Uh, no, thank you.

Anyway, let-let me tell you the plan.

It's always good to have one guy who likes to cook.

I mean, uh, that way, you get your meals, and you also get a reputation for breaking down the male/female stereotypes.

Also, it's good to have a guy who looks good in a turtleneck and plays the guitar.

Namely, moi.

Then it's always good to have a loser along.

That way, when you bring him along, everyone thinks you're sensitive.

Then you always...

Of course, you need some Austrian guy named Nicky.

Don't ask me why, but somehow it works.

(humming)

You know... (clears throat)

That Vic may have charm, he may have looks, and he may have charisma, but there's one thing he'll never have.

This.

Charisma does not have jelly in the middle.

Play.

(Louie whistling)

Well, why are you in such a good mood?

Well, if you really want to hear about it.

I had a big fight with my mother last night, and I really let her have it.

She didn't know what hit her. (grunts)

Well, congratulations, Louie!

You did a job on your mother.

Now it's Miller time.

All right, all right.

First of all, let me give you a little background on this.

You see... my mom belongs to this club called Life Begins At 70.

All right, the whole club consists of three women, two men, and somebody so shriveled up, it's anybody's guess.

Louie, has it ever occurred to you that old people have a dignity and a wisdom and a beauty that you will never appreciate or approach, no matter what age you get to?

Well, it may look like that to you, Reiger, because you're a little closer to the bucket.

Bah!

All right, all right, so anyway, in this little club of Ma's, they get together every once in a while to have a little fun, right?

They have, uh, guest speakers.

This one time, they had a guy come in who found a rock, and he talked about it for an hour and a half.

A couple of weeks ago, they had this old bird come in and show travel slides.

After the excitement died down, the old guy with the slides asked Ma if he could take her home.

Little shuffle. You know what I mean?

(laughs)

So, anyway, that day, I work a double shift... 16 hours.

I mean, I'm sweaty, I'm tired, I smell like a goat.

All I want to do is go home, hose myself down and put on the feedbag.

So, I peek into the living room.

What do I see?

There's Ma sitting on the... on the sofa with this guy.

They're staring out into space like this.

I thought they were dead.

(laughs)

It turns out, they're smitten.

(laughs)

So anyway...

Hey, schizo?

The next thing you know, she's talking about marriage.

Marriage? Check, please.

Come on, big fella.

All right, to make a long story short, she's talking about marriage.

She wants to marry the guy.

I tell her she's nuts, and then she comes back with all these answers about wanting to share her life and not having many years left.

So then, I come in with my topper.

I tell her if she marries this guy, I'm no longer her son.

Wah!

(laughs)

Oh, Louie, how could you?

How could you do this to your own mother?

You haven't heard the worst, Nardo.

The guy she wants to marry... is Japanese!

So?

My little old Italian mother is engaged to Itsumi Fujimoto.

Huh?

And he's planning to take her to Japan.

So you made her give him up, huh?

And just spoiled her last chance at happiness.

You are really a worm!

(snorts) Ugh.

I bet it broke her little heart.

She'll get over it.

She cried a little bit, put a minor curse on me...

MRS. DE PALMA: Louie? Hey, Louie, I want to talk to you.

(groans)

Oh. Uh, hey, everybody, hold it.

Uh, this is my mother.

I want everybody to treat her with enormous respect and excellent manners.

If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here.

Hey, you're forgetting your father and a cheap bottle of wine?

Oh, Mrs. De Palma, it is such a pleasure to meet you.

Who are you?

Oh. Um, I'm Elaine Nardo.

Oh, Louie's girl.

Alex.

ALEX: Yeah, uh, hi, Mrs. De Palma.

I'm Alex Reiger.

Oh, you're the Jewish fella that Louie's always helping out.

I can't tell you how much we love your son, Mrs. De Palma.

I really can't tell you.

Uh, Tony, uh, you're next.

I'm Tony Banta, Mrs. De Palma.

Oh.

I can't believe what Louie says about you.

What city are we in?

Is... is this a trick question?

Well, I'll be darned.

Oh. Hey, Mrs. De Palma, I've been waiting to meet you.

Um... (speaking Italian)

Oh... (speaking Italian)... Italiano?

Sì, sì. Oh.

(speaking Italian)

Oh.

Ma, down here.

Hey, Tony, what-what... what did she say?

Well, my Italian's a little rusty, Alex, but she said...

I think she said, uh, her son's acting like a jackass.

Or... Or else he's acting like an asparagus?

No, it's probably jackass.

Well, you are the expert.

New cabbie?

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

This is Louie's mother, Mrs. De Palma.

Oh.

Your son is one of the finest human beings I've ever known in my life.

And you let him drive a cab?

Look, if this has anything to do with Itsumi Fujimoto...

Louie, I still want to marry him.

I thought that was settled.

You-you've got no reason to marry that man.

Companionship.

Companionship. Companionship.

Is that all you old people ever think about?

Louie... will you talk to him?

Will you meet him?

Why should I do that?

You meet him, and if you don't like him, I won't marry him.

You promise?

I promise.

Okay.

Will you sit with him?

Sure.

Will you talk to him?

Sure.

Will you be nice to him?

Ma!

I had to go for it.

Hello, my dear.

(groaning)

I take it this is Mr. Fujimoto.

No, this always happens to me in bars.

I love your sense of humor.

Speaking of which, this is my son, Louie.

How do you do, Mr. De Palma?

(grumbling)

Up, up.

Up.

Bow, bow.

All right, you want to talk to me?

Let's go over here and talk.

Very well.

Excuse us, Gabriella.

By the way, you look lovely today.

Thank you.

Come on, people are trying to eat in here.

I'll just sit here and smoke.

Smoke your brains out, crazy lady.

Louie, I understand from your mother that you are opposed to the idea of our getting married.

All right, now let's get to the point here.

I got a question for you.

Have you ever known another woman?

Of course, I am 83 years old.

Who hasn't known another woman at my age?

Well, all right, don't chew my head off here.

Ma, you can't marry this old geezer.

He's pillowed half the Orient.

Louie, I'm gonna marry him.

You said if I don't like him, you won't marry him.

I lied.

Look, I told you this before and I'm gonna tell you again, if you marry this guy, I'm not coming home tonight and I'll never set foot in that apartment again.

And I'll no longer be your son.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Let's go, Itsu.

Sayonara, Louie.

(Louie snoring)

ALEX: I can't believe Louie's doing this, living in the garage.

(LATKA (as Vic): Hey, guys.

Okay, hey, oh!

Boss man isn't up yet, huh?

No, uh, Vic, he's not.

Tell him that I left early to beat the weekend traffic.

You found all those guys for the condo?

Oh, yeah, yeah, hey, congratulate me, men.

The team is assembled and we're on our way to a holiday of hormones.

Okay, pray for powder, soldiers.

(alarm clock buzzing)

(Louie grumbling)

(banging sounds, Louie mumbling)

(stuff clattering)

(Louie snarling, growling)

(Louie coughing, gagging)

(groaning)

(loud yawning)

(groaning)

(yawning)

(groaning)

As my guide, and I watch from the bushes, we are amazed... by the astounding similarities to a human being.

What are you bozos doing here?

What are you all dressed up for?

We're on our way to your mother's wedding, Louie.

Oh, is it today?

Yeah.

Well...

I'm afraid you made one little mistake, Reiger.

I don't have a mother anymore.

Hey, uh, he's walking his soap.

Louie, Louie.

Get out of here. Louie, wait, Louie!

Go on. Louie, Louie.

Wait a minute, Louie!

(shower starts) Look, Louie, I wouldn't be here except that I think it might make a big difference to your mother if you showed up there today.

LOUIE: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.

Oh, come on, Louie, for once in your life, don't be so... you.

You think you know it all, huh?

You think you got it all figured out, don't you?

Well, let me tell you something.

You get used to a way of life.

You don't pick it.

Me and Ma had a deal.

We had an agreement.

It was unspoken, there were no papers signed, but it was a deal just the same.

And now she's throwing it away.

And let me tell you something else, Reiger.

I would've never done this to her.

Wait, are you telling me that you were never gonna get married?

Of course I'm gonna get married.

But even if I did get married, I'd always have a place in my home for her.

I'd have given her a room.

Maybe even furnished it.

Even if my wife, Fleurette, didn't want me to.

Fleurette?

Yeah, whatever her name will be.

Fleurette?

Yeah, I pulled it out of the air.

You pull Jane or Sally out of the air.

You don't pull Fleurette out of the air.

You pull Fleurette out of long, hot sweaty nights of total frustration.

All right, I'm a romantic.

So sue me.

The point is that Ma is leaving me.

She's busting us up and yet I look like the bad guy.

Everybody's sympathizing with her 'cause she's got the gray hair, the little, little face and that cute little walk.

And I'm the one who had his life yanked out, Reiger.

That woman means everything to me, Reiger.

She's my mama.

And all the things she did for me.

She cooked my food, cleaned my clothes, she clipped my toenails.

Clipped your toenails, Lou?

That woman clipped your toenails, and you're not gonna go to the wedding?

God, when you put it like that...

You're right, Reiger, I gotta go.

Of course I gotta go. Of course, Lou!

Oh, but I don't know.

I'm not sure.

It might be a mistake the way I feel.

I mean, it might work on my guts.

You know, there's no telling what I'd do when I get there.

There's a nasty side to me you've never seen.

I've seen it.

Look, Lou, see, you're not gonna do anything.

I'm telling you, you're not gonna do anything to ruin it.

If you can't trust yourself, trust me.

You're sure? I'm sure, Lou, I'm sure.

You're right, Reiger, I'm gonna go.

Good, Lou, good.

You know something, Reiger?

What?

I feel great!

I feel like I got a warm glow inside me.

And you know why?

Why, Lou, why?

Because no matter what happens at that wedding, no matter what disgusting and revolting thing that I might do, it's your fault.

ELAINE: I think everything is so beautiful.

TONY: Yeah.

This is a joke.

Louie.

Boss, you'll love it.

It's a very moving ceremony.

How do you know, Iggy?

I'm a student of the world's religions.

It figures.

A shinto wedding is one of the three best ways to get married.

The best weddings are Polish for the dancing and Shinto for the poetry.

What's the third?

Vegas.

For the glitter.

Oh.

I can't take this. Louie!

Louie, take it easy.

This is a holy place.

Who's that guy?

This is the Shinto priest and his attendants.

He brought the whole family.

(grumbling)

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie.

Next comes the groom and then the bride.

Dad.

This is ridiculous!

My mother can't do this.

She'll never adapt!

Who's that?

Oh, no!

(pounding floor)

LOUIE: That's mom!

She looks like a scarecrow in a rice paddy.

JIM: This is the purification rite.

He's casting out the demons.

Louie, you'd better hang on to your seat.

I'm glad you're having a good time, Nardo.

This is the sacred norito.

It's a message to the divine power that a marriage is about to take place.

It's fun being the smart one.

This is the san san kudo.

After your mother drinks from that cup three times, she'll be married.

She will?! Yep. Hang on, Louie, Louie.

JIM: One...

Two...

I gotta stop this! Louie, no!

Mom!

ALEX: Please don't, Louie.

Too late.

All right, in that case...

I give you my blessing.

Grazie, figlio mio.

Grazie.

(theme song playing)


WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)