Taxi S4E9 Script

Of Mice and Tony (1981)

(theme song playing)

Hey, Alex, can I talk to ya for a second?

I got a problem.

You got a problem? Sure, Tony, what is it?

Well, I'm at the crossroads of my life and I'm a little scared.

Yeah? I mean, it's really eatin' at me, and you're standin' here with this goofy grin on your face.

I'm grinning?

Yeah, you have been ever since I came in here.

Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of it.

I'll stop.

Did I stop yet?

What'd you have, a great date last night, Alex, or what?

No, no, no, better than that.

I won 1,300 bucks on yesterday's football game.

Are you kiddin'? (laughing): No.

Oh, you guys and that gambling thing.

It's disgusting.

But I won it all from Louie.

Ooh. Mwah!

How-How many games did you win?

All of them. (Elaine screams)

Louie lost every game?

Every single one. Man.

You know, losin' every game is a new garage record.

ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah, you know, I never thought anything would make me feel sorry for Louie... and I was right.

Well, why did you make such a big bet?

Oh, it wasn't me. He insisted.

He'd been losing a lot to me lately, so he wanted to catch up.


Uh, can I have your attention?

Louie says that if anybody laughs at, or ridicules him when he comes in, they're fired.

Is that understood?

(other muttering agreement) Yeah, all right, that sounds good.

Are you sure you understand?

(all muttering agreement) We understand!

JEFF: They understand, Louie.

(all jeering and laughing)

You all like Ignatowski?

Shut up or he's a cocker spaniel.


No brains, no pain.

Hey, Louie, come on, come on, pay up.

Oh, I got a better idea, Reiger.

Let's go double or nothin' on tonight's game.

You win, I owe you $2,600.

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Come on, you gotta. What I gotta?

Because it's the code.

What code?


It's a guys' code.

I mean, it's what guys do.

Ah... I mean, it's... come on, Reiger, let's be guys. I mean, come on.

What are we, animals or something?

Let's be guys. I want to be guys.

Don't you want to be guys?

It's a guys' code! All right, all right, all right.


If it means that much to you, I'll go double or nothing with you on tonight's game.

ELAINE: No, Alex!

Don't do this. Get your money now!

Don't listen to her.

She's not guys.

All right.

Okay, thanks.

All right. All right, who do you want?

Well, the way you've been going lately, I'd be crazy not to let you pick.

Me? Mmm.


All right, fine, I'll pick.

I'll take Oakland.


What do you mean, fine?

Forget it, Reiger.

You got Oakland, I'm taking Houston.

Okay, you got Houston.

Oh, you'd love me to take Houston.

Well, think again.

I got Oakland.

Okay, you got Oakland.

Do I look like that big a sap to you?

I want Houston and Oakland.

I can't do that. No. What? Louie!

Pick. Houston.

Cage. Cage.

Hut, hut, hut, hut. Hut.

Hey, Alex, can we talk now?

Oh, yeah, Tony, I'm sorry.

Come on. Uh, what's up?

Alex, I think I finally found something in my life to take the place of boxing.

Oh, that's great, Tony. What is it?


See, I found this great heavyweight down at my gym.

You think this guy's really good, huh? Alex, I think this guy could go all the way.

I mean, he won a bronze medal at the Olympics.

He would have won a gold, except he lost a split decision to some Cuban.

Commie judges. Yeah.

Anyway, uh, I think if I could talk this guy into going pro, and if I could talk him into lettin' me manage him, well, I think this guy just needs the right guy to bring him along. Hey, wait a minute.

Now you're gettin' me excited, but wait a minute, you said there was a problem. Now what's that problem?

I'm havin' lunch with him today at Mario's, see?

And I'm kinda scared because I'd feel real bad if-if he didn't respect me enough to say yes.

I mean, maybe I ain't got what it takes.

Maybe I ain't good enough.

Ah, now, Tony, listen to me.

What, Alex? That's silly.



Thanks a lot, Alex.

You bet.


Hey, Tommy, this is a real important luncheon, see?

I'm tryin' to impress somebody.

So, uh, would you try and treat me like a big shot?

Sure. Okay.

Okay, a-and make the place look a little classy, will ya?

Would you like me to go home and wash my hair?

I don't think there's time for that, Tom.

Hey, Terry, over here. Hey, man.

Hey, how are ya? All right.

Nice to see ya. Sit down, sit down. Hey, thanks.

There you go.

A little closer? Yeah...

Hey, uh, hey, Tommy, we're ready to start eatin'.

Right away, Mr. Banta.

Uh, hey, I hope you don't mind I ordered for us.

Uh, meatball sandwiches all right with you?

Hey, yeah, I like meatball sandwiches.

I knew it.

Thanks for the "Mr. Banta."

And, uh, here's the phone you always have on your table when you eat here.

Nice... Nice touch.

Wow, all right!

Yeah. Did you hear that joke they were tellin' at the gym the other day? No.

The one about the, uh, sailor and the parrot? No.

Well, there's this sailor who's got this parrot...

Oh, that one!

I heard it. Yeah. Yeah, it's good, huh?

(phone ringing)

Excuse me a minute.

Sure thing.

Banta Management.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, right.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

Oh, I got it.

Yeah, okay.


Well, who was it?

Hey, it was personal.

But, uh, hey, Tommy, uh, do me a favor...

Send a giant mushroom pizza over to my friend Pantuso, on me.

Hey, hey, man, you're good on the phone.

Yeah, huh.

Hey, uh, hey, this is fun, you know?

It's good to get out with a friend.

I mean, somebody you like and respect.

Yeah. Wouldn't mind going into business with.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.


(muffled): Hey, Terry...

the reason I asked you today is... you ever thought about going pro?

(muffled): Yeah, I thought about it.

I mean... it's every fighter's dream, you know?

You really think I'm good enough?

Oh... I got a lot...

I got a lot of faith in you, Terry.

All you need is a little work.

Don't you worry, I'll be right there to help you.


What are you talking about?


Don't feel bad about saying no, but... I would like to manage you.

(both mumbling)

Just you and me, huh?

All the way, baby. Look, uh, I gotta go. Oh, all right.

(mumbling) Okay.

Oh... uh... (mumbling) Oh, yeah.

You're gonna manage him, huh?

Oh yeah, Tommy.

I just hope he can fight better than he talks.

(crowd cheering on TV)

They scored! They scored!

Did you see that, Reiger?

They scored!

(hums happily)

"Houston's comi" back, you sap!


Three more points and I win, Reiger!

Three more points.

Ya hear that, Elaine?

Three more points.

Go, Houston, Iggy!

I'll go. No, no, no, don't go to Houston.

Go, Houston.

All right... it's an onside kick.

They recover.

Houston's ball in Oakland territory!

The dream is ours!

(blowing raspberry)

I told you not to let him off the hook.

Don't worry, Elaine.

There's less than a minute to go.

Want another beer, Jim?

Uh, no, no, no, Alex.

I don't think he should have any more.

Oh, Elaine...

I know exactly when to stop.



When the pretzels start dancin'.

When they all start dancing... the fox-trot.

I'm through.

(with British accent): Hello. What's this?

Oh, hiya, Latka.

Sorry, Sir Geoffrey.

Oh, quite all right, Tommy.

Set me up with a pint, would you?

Oh, that's a good fellow.

Could we change the station on the telly, please?

Uh, Masterpiece Theater is beginning an adaptation of The Moon and Sixpence.

Need I say more?

Louie's watching the football game.

Oh, I'm sure he won't object once he's under the spell of Mr. Maugham.

(clears throat)

Oh, Alistair, I'm mad for your tailor.

Uh, how about this, Alistair?

I consider this a breach of good taste.

Go back to merry old nutland.

I pity you.

There's still such a thing as a strong letter to the Times, you know.

Get outta here.

Get out of here.

Hey, guys.

Elaine, Elaine, Alex and Jim, this is my fighter, Terry Carver.

Oh, hi. The next heavyweight champion of the world!

And I'm his new manager.

Well, hi, Terry.

You got a great manager there.

Yeah, well, Terry's one hell of a fighter.

I'm just glad I could get him to turn pro.

Yeah, you know, my folks didn't want me to.

I mean, they was afraid I might hurt my hands and wouldn't be able to do my other job.

Oh... what's that?


Well, it's, uh, something to think about.

Hey, look, I-I gotta go, uh, it was nice meeting all your pals, Tony. Okay.

I'll see you out. Nice to meet you, Ter.

Hey, uh, Tony, can I, uh, can I talk to you about something for a second?

Oh, sure, uh, excuse me, uh, I gotta talk to my kid.

Look, uh, I got a call today from this guy from some kind of... syndicate and he wants to talk to me.

Something about buying me.

A syndicate?

Hey, you better stay away from guys like that.

They're bad for boxing and they're bad for you.

I told him I already got a manager.

All right, Terry, that's the way.

But he wants to talk to me anyway.

I-I mean, just talk to me.

Hey, I swear, Tony, you're my man.

In fact, if you don't want me to talk to him, I won't.

I don't want you to talk to him.

Already said I would.


Hey, let me just talk to him, okay, Tony?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

Hey, thanks, Tony.

All right.

See ya later. Okay.

TONY: Good kid, huh?

ALEX: Yeah. Good guy.

All right, all right, shut up everybody!

They're gonna kick.

If they make this little 18-yard field goal, I win, Reiger!

I win!

ANNOUNCER: The ball's snapped...

The ball is snapped, it's kicked, it's up in the air and... it's no good!

It's no good.

He missed it!

It's wide left.

My grandmother could've kicked it better than that dumb Rumanian!

He missed it, Reiger!

I just lost $2,600!

My life is manure!

You feel terrible, don't you, boss?

Iggy, I never felt worse in my life.

Would you feel better if I gave you the money you just lost?

Of course I would.

Well, too bad.

I don't have it.

You pulled my ear.

I pulled your leg.

Hey, by the way, uh, just out of curiosity, you ever talk to them guys from the syndicate?

Oh, yeah, they took me to lunch.

Took you to lunch, huh?

Where? Oh, some crummy place, couldn't even afford menus.

I mean, the guy came around and told you what you got to eat.

You're... You're kidding me.

So what'd you tell 'em?

I went for the veal.

No, no, no, I mean about signing up with them.

Spread. I told 'em the same thing I told you, I already got a manager and I'm not interested.

Hey, thanks, Terry.

Anyway, they wanted to know if it's all right if they came to the fight tonight.

I told 'em it's all right, only if my manager say it's all right.

Well, I don't want 'em here.

I already got 'em tickets.

Well, that's okay, man, let 'em see what they're missing out on.

Ten minutes, guys. Oh, hey, okay.

Hey, Terry, did you call your mom?

Oh, not yet. Let me just... this hand.

All right, go ahead, go call her.

Hey, Alex.

Thanks for being Terry's second tonight.

I appreciate it. Oh, that's all right, Tony.

It's like, uh, old times, like when I used to second for you.

There's only one difference.

Terry's probably gonna win.


Just when I was gettin' used to saying, "Give him air, give him air."

Hey, Louie, you're not supposed to be here.

Yeah, Louie, get outta here.

I don't want nobody screwing this up. Come on.

What, what, what, what?

Go easy here, go easy.

I'm not gonna screw anything up.

I just came here to wish you luck.

Yeah, sure.


Thanks, Lou.

Well, how's it feel, Tone?

Well, I mean, don't put me down for this, Louie, but, uh... I don't know, all my life I had this feelin' in the back of my mind that it wasn't supposed to happen for me.

You know, like I was jinxed; like I had a albacore hangin' around my neck.

But ever since Terry signed up with me, that feelin's been gone.

All of a sudden, I feel like everything's right.

That's good enough for me.

Double or nothin', Banta's kid goes down for the count.

Oh, so that's what this is all about, huh?

I'm not gonna bet you on this fight. Come on.

Come on, Reiger. Come on. No, no, I'm not bettin'.

I got $5,200 in cash, Reiger.

I got $2,400 here, I got $2,400 here, I got a hundred dollars here and a hundred dollars here and $200 in Chase Manhattan.

Cash, huh?


I gotta warn ya, Louie...

Tony's kid is pretty good.

He is? Yeah.

How long's Banta been training him?

A couple of weeks.


All right, Louie.

I'm gonna take you up on this.

You know why?

Because you're gonna lose.

That's right, Louie.

And this time, you're gonna pay up every dime, you understand? Every dime. Thanks, Reiger.

Thanks. Thank you.

Come on, let's go get Terry ready.

All right, before you go, uh, can I offer a little locker room prayer?

Come on, Louie.

May the fighters fight fair, may no one be hurt, and may the best man win.

Well, that was very nice. Yeah.

They're gone, God. Let's talk bucks!


Okay, you fellas know the rules.

I want... I want you to shake hands, go to your corners, and when you hear the bell, come out fighting.

Okay, Terry, this is the start of somethin' big for us.

I can feel it.

Go out there and get this guy.

Get him. Get him.

(bell dings)

Get him, Terry, get him.

Look bad, now.

Jab, jab, jab, jab!

With your left hand!

Left hand! Jab, jab, baby.

Oh yeah, oh yeah!

You're bad, man, you're bad.

Get him, now, get him.

Get him, man. Ootch!

Don't say ootch! Get him.

Jab, jab.

He looks bad; he looks bad.

Use that right now.

Throw your, throw your, throw your, throw your...

Right! Your right!

Get him! Get him!

All right, baby, get him! You're the king, man.

You'll get him! You're the best.

(whistling, cheering and applause)


TONY: Get him off you.

He's on you now.

(Tony shouting)

Jab, jab, jab!

(cheering and applause continues)

REFEREE: Two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... ten!

(whistling, cheering and applause)

(knocking on door)

Yeah, who is it?

MAN: This is the syndicate.

We want to speak to Terry.

It's the syndicate.

Let them in. I'll handle those goons.

TONY (quietly): Back. Here.

You're the syndicate?

Uh, actually we're a medical corporation looking for investments.

My name is Dr. Frazier.

I'm an ophthalmologist.

This is, uh, Dr. Gilman, obstetrics.

How you doin'?

Dr. Baker, ears, nose and throat.

Dr. Stokley, internal medicine.

STOKLEY: I specialize in diseases of the pancreas.

And this is Dr. Harden.

That was quite a knockout.

I've never seen anybody go out like that and I'm an anesthesiologist.

Uh, Terry, now, look, uh, we don't want to take advantage of you.

We're willing to split all your winnings 90/10 in your favor.

All we want out of this arrangement is front row seats, a good tax break, and a chance to delude ourselves that we're part of the sports scene.

Uh, I don't know. I don't know.

Terry, look, we're offering you a very good guaranteed wage, plus a full expense account, a rent-free apartment, all the best training and all the best facilities.

We want what's best for you, Terry.

Yo, see, it's not up to me, anyway.

It's up to my manager. Right.

Of course, now, we ain't got no contract...

but we did shake hands.

We did shake hands, didn't we?

Lots of times.

Hey, you know...

Tone, you tell me what to do.

I guess you gotta listen to 'em, Terry.

I mean, they're startin' to make sense.

I mean, bread helps.

And with me, all it's gonna be is a bunch of lousy hotels, scrounging and scraping.

You deserve better.

We don't want to leave you out in the cold either, Mr. Banta.

We've talked it over and we would like to buy Terry's contract from you. Sure.

You're talkin' about my future, man.

You're talkin' about dreams.

I mean, you're talkin' about the one chance I had in my life to be somebody.

What price could you put on that?

How about $5,000?

That's plenty.

Uh, pardon me.

I have a debt to pay to this gentleman.

Oh, yeah, would you excuse us?

A little business.

Take it and die!

Die! Die! Die! Die!

Die! Die with festering boil.

Die! Die! Die!

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Tone, you sure this is all right?

Terry, I think you made the right move.

But, listen, this means I get ringside seats to every one of your fights, including the title.

You got it, man. All right, bro.

Hey, you keep punching, baby. All right.

Great fight, uh, great fight. Hey.

All right.

What a guy.

Oh, my God.

Oh, baby.

Tony, here we are standing here with 10,000 bucks between us.

(giggling): Yeah.

We ought to have the greatest meal of our life.


Where do you want to eat? How about Mario's?


(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)