Taxi S5E1 Script

Love Un-American Style (1982)

(theme song playing)


(laughter)

Here is your lunch, my Latka.

Now I will go to make our apartment a home and watch Richard Simmons so my body will be lean and supple for your return.

I shall fly through my day knowing what awaits me.

And I shall puke my guts out... if you don't knock it off.

Louie is angry because he does not have what we have.

A green card?

He needs somebody to love.

Get out of here with the...

And soon, he will have somebody.

You all will. ALEX: Hey, what's this all about?

Okay, please, listen very carefully.

It's difficult to explain.

Wow. Sounds serious.

It is.

I'm going to tell you about the shloogel.

(Alex laughs)

Shloogel.

(laughs)

The shloogel is one of our most sacred traditions.

Oh.

Don't laugh again.

A shloogel is the ceremony where a newly married couple shares their elation by introducing their closest friends to the man or woman so perfect for them that they will fall so in love, they will never want to part.

Oh. (laughs)

Sounds like a group blind date.

(Alex laughs)

It's not a blind date, Reiger.

Okay.

It's nothing like a blind date.

Right.

I have been looking for people for two months now, and I have found them.

Oh, I have such a wonderful man for you, Elaine.

Yes! And Louie?

Yeah?

Perfect.

Yeah?

Tony, wait till you see her.

Ooh, ooh!

Surprise, surprise, Jim.

And Alex...

Now hold it right there.

You sound very sure of yourself.

Well, like many people from my country, I am born with the gift to match people.

Comes to us naturally as eating, sleeping and disemboweling sheep.

I'm free.

I'm there. I'm going.

Hey. Great.

I'll go if Alex goes.

I'm not going.

Well, I sure am.

I'm not gonna pass this up.

That's it. I'm going.

Alex, what are you talking about?

You got to go. It'll be fun.

(overlapping chatter)

Come on, I don't want to go!

No, I'm sorry, but, uh, in this country, there are still a few of us who believe in romance and chance encounters and that old black magic.

And, yes, I like to think of myself as someone who will fight any tradition that denies individual choice.

(speaking native language)

See, this shows how good Simka is.

That's exactly what your date said.

She did?

(speaking native language)

Be there or be square.

Everybody take a load off.

Now the introductions.

SIMKA: Hey.

(clears throat)

Tony Banta, this is Vicki Destefano.

Tony, describe for us, if you will...

How you doing?

Your perfect woman.

Well, blond, feminine, leggy.

But who cares about looks?

I mean, uh...

No. Look... Who cares about looks?

Oh, the most important thing is that they have a great personality.

Vicki, now you describe your perfect man.

It ain't this meatball.

What was that supposed to mean?

You heard me.

Yeah, I know I heard you, but...

Now there will be plenty of time for that later.

All right, now Elaine Nardo, this is Arnie Ross.

Hello. How do you do?

Elaine, we know that you usually date the type that's hard to catch.

You know, lady killers, handsome rogues who can wrap women around their little finger.

So they found you one.

You are next, Jim.

Oh, finally.

LATKA: Hey, Jim, what is your all-time favorite TV comedy show?

Oh, that's easy.

Uh, The Bob Newhart Show.

Are you a fan of The Bob...?

Oh!

Oh!

Why, you're Carol, played by Marcia Wallace.

And-And you're...?

Jim Ignatowski as himself.

I bet you're curious how we got a such a big star like Marcia Wallace for you, Jim.

I'm curious.

I'm mystified.

Tell him, Marcia.

I wanted a date.

Louie De Palma, this is Judy Griffith.

(sighs)

Very nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

How come my date's blind?

Glaucoma.

Oh, you-you think that Simka picked a blind girl so she could not see you?

The thought did cross my mind.

You may be right.

All right, Alex Reiger, Susan McDaniel.

Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing, Latka?

Uh, I'm going to write down the first words you say to each other so in case you want to repeat them to your grandchildren.

Hello, grandchildren.

Simka?

What?

Great shloogel!

I know.

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward... ♪

That's a... that's a pretty outfit you got on.

Thank you.

Who picked it out for you?

I made it myself.

(laughs)

No, I'm serious.

(laughs)

What a wise-ass.

Blind people can do all sorts of things.

Archery?

(laughs)

(laughs)

I think I may like you, Louie.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

When will you know?

When I decide whether you're acting this way because you sense that I hate to be pitied, or you're just gross.

(laughs)

Well, maybe it would help if you told me a little something about yourself.

Well, there's not much to tell.

At the moment, uh, I'm sitting here, uh, picturing you, uh, naked.

What?

You know, I have never said anything like that in my entire life, but I made up my mind that tonight, I was not gonna pussy-foot around like I always do and then go home afterwards and think about all the things that I should have said.

At least, if I'm gonna strike out, I'm gonna go down fighting.

So, good night and thank you very much.

Wait. Wait a minute. Wait. No, no, no.

Sit down.

Oh, good.

You're gonna prolong my agony.

Ah, come on.

Just do that laugh you did on the Christmas show.

When there was eggnog in the water cooler?

Oh, all right.

Uh, remember, you were drunk.

Mm.

(laughing)

Ah!

And you never won an Emmy?

Hey, what's it to you how I drink my beer?

Hey, I don't care how you drink your beer.

Drink it any way you like.

I just thought it, uh... it didn't look very ladylike.

How come every slob who manages to wipe the spit off his face thinks he knows how a lady should act?

What are you smiling about?

You remind me of my mom.

What kind of a childhood did you have?

Nice.

And you loved your mother and father?

I loved my parents.

And you had a great relationship with your brother and sister?

Right. (laughs)

And half the football team.

Oh, just kidding.

Oh. Just having a little fun.

(laughs)

You're wonderful.

You're absolutely wonderful. Oh.

She's absolutely wonderful.

You know, you haven't told me anything about yourself.

Yes, I have.

I told you all about how ineffectual I am with women.

(chuckling): Oh.

No, but I haven't told you the one thing that makes women really come running after me like pussycats in a tuna factory.

(chuckles)

Oh, I know.

It's because you listen so well and because you're genuinely concerned for children.

No, it's because I'm incredibly rich.

Hot dog, huh, honey?

I think it's terrible that you think money is the reason women respond to you.

Believe it or not, I have been having a lovely time tonight because you are so, uh...

Y-you seem so decent an-and unusual a-and dear and because...

Woody Allen has conditioned us to reevaluate our concept of male beauty.

You seem to be saying that you, you like me...

Yes. For myself.

Yes, that's right. Irrespective of the money.

Absolutely.

Good, because I lied about the money.

Arnie!

I don't want to embarrass you, but, uh, I think you're fantastic.

I mean, you're not only beautiful... you act like you don't even know you're beautiful.

You know, somehow I, uh, I forgot what it was to feel the way I feel now about meeting somebody new.

What a difference a couple of hours can make, huh?

Suddenly I'm afraid of dying.

Thank you.

That's... that's always nice to hear.

(laughs)

(laughs)

You're wonderful, you're wonderful.

She is absolute... abso...

You're absolutely wonderful.

True, I-I can't really enjoy a painting, but I have a greater enjoyment of things that appeal to the other senses...

Listening to music, eating fine food, making love.

Whoo.

Oh, you assumed because I'm blind that I'm not interested in what other women are interested in.

N-No, I meant "whoo," like when a guy hits the jackpot.

More wine?

Ah, no thanks.

I'll just finish what I have in my glass.

Oh, okay.

(chuckles)

Good ears, good ears.

How come, out of 142 Bob Newhart Show episodes, covering the years 1972-78...

(clearing throat)

Only 39 stories were about you?

Well, I wasn't the star of the show.

Really?

Who was the star of the show?

Bob Newhart.

Yeah, that's why they called it The Bob Newhart Show.

(gasps)

This is fascinating.

This is just the kind of stuff I was hoping we'd get into.

(clears throat)

Do you mind if I ask you something else?

No, not at all.

I would be honored if you would become my wife.

(laughing)

(both laughing)

You're not serious.

Why?

Well, you know, if you were serious, this would just be too bizarre.

Uh... do you like bizarre?

Well...

Uh, actually I do, yes.

No, no, but wait.

No, you're getting ahead of yourself, far ahead of yourself.

I-I'm sorry.

It's just that a long time ago, I fell in love with someone who used to get coffee for Bob and Jerry, and now she's here, and she's real, and she's more beautiful than I ever thought possible.

Golly, Jim.

I know.

Come on.

I mean, look, if the guy doesn't have the talent, the least he should do is hire a manager to point out the obvious things.

Oh, yeah, like what?

Like dropping your left.

I don't drop my left.

(muttering): I don't know what you're talk...

Show me your stance.

Come on.

Show me your stance.

(sarcastically): I'll show you my stance.

All right, here's my stance.

Okay.

Yeah, just like... yeah. Okay.

You know, you're great. (laughs)

You know, with a little bit more leverage out of this leg, and if you threw it like this... (screams)

I hit her, I hit her.

Tommy, I need some ice.

Vicki, Vicki, are you all right?

Are you all right, Vicki?

Yeah.

I'm lucky you're a bum.

I'm gonna take a big chance with you right now.

Bigger than the ones you've already taken?

Oh...

Okay, excuse me, everyone.

Uh, it is almost 1:00, and the shloogel must end.

ELAINE: Aw...

Can't we bend tradition a little and stay a while?

Tradition has nothing to do with it.

Tommy is kicking us out and we only have time for the last ritual of the evening.

What's that?

Paying the check.

All right, who had the pizza?

Oh, we did.

Oh, no, no.

All right, come on, let's get out of here.

I'll lead you home.

(chuckles)

Thank you.

Do you two like each other?

Yeah, yeah.

(chuckles)

Yeah, we might get serious.

Before you know it, she'll be taking me home to meet the dog.

(laughs)

(indistinct chatter)

Good night. Oh, Latka, Simka, thanks for everything.

Thanks. Thank you very much.

Let's go dancing at the Big Sky.

The Big Sky's a dive.

Let's go to the Parrot Room.

The Parrot Room?

Yeah. Are you nuts?

You know, you've got some mouth on you.

Oh, come on.

Come here. (laughing): Get your hands off me!

TONY: You love it, you love it.

Two for two.

Good night, Latka. Good night.

Good night, honey, bye. Good night, Elaine.

ARNIE: Good night.

(chuckles)

Good night.

Look, if she says anything about me tomorrow, please let me know, even if it's negative.

Will you stop it with that stuff?

It's not going to be negative.

Aw...

You know... (clears throat)

I wrote a lyric to your theme song.

Uh, Jim, could we just, you know, spend five minutes without talking about The Newhart Show?

Good. Okay.

(indistinct chatter)

Nice to meet you; I had a real nice time.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Oh, all right, sing it, you big lug.

♪ Here comes Bob and Carol ♪

♪ His wife Emily really likes him ♪

♪ He has funny people in his group. ♪ Catchy. Thanks.

This was the best night I've ever had.

Jim. Thank you.

BOTH: ♪ Here comes Bob and Carol ♪

♪ His wife Emily really likes him... ♪ They are singing.

Looking good, Latka.

Good night.

LATKA & SIMKA: Good night.

Listen, maybe, uh, maybe you can tell him that I'm not really interested.

Hey, come on, just let me drive you home.

Oh, no, that's okay, I'll just get a cab.

I am a cab.

Well... oh...

Thank you, uh, good night.

Good night, Simka.

Good night.

Oh, boy, you really know how to throw a shloogel.

I tell you, that was a real barn burner.

You know, everybody fell happily in love.

Everyone turned out just splendidly... except Alex, but I think he'll recover one day.

What do you think, Simka?

I think we're all going to die.

I think love is an illusion.

I think we failed with Alex, who laughed at our traditions.

And he was right because that girl will never see him again.

And so we are frauds, my darling.

Oh.

Too bad.

Damn right, too bad.

Well, good night.

Night.

(sighs)

Well, ordinarily I'd ask you for your phone number, but I'd feel kind of silly asking for that now, so I'll just... settle for the first four digits.

You laughed.

That was funny.

I'm sorry.

Have you ever been in a terrible mood all day and then got a headache and cramps, and then had some guy start to fall in love with you?

Sounds rough.

5552.

Is that the first four?

Mm-hmm.

And the last three are 437.

(chuckles)

(theme song playing)


WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)