Taxi S5E10 Script

Elaine and the Monk (1982)

(theme song playing)

(humming happily)

Excuse me. (laughs)

What do you say, guys?

Well. Oh, my gosh.

(laughs) How come you're so happy?


I didn't tell you about this before because if it didn't work out, it would have been real, real embarrassing, but I've got a chance to make big money.

Wait a minute. What is it? What is it?


Chinchillas? Eight months ago, I bought six of them.

Guess how many I got now.

Go ahead, take a guess. Go on!

What an interesting question you pose, Tony.

Considering gestation period and average litter size... about eight months... uh... you've got 162.

No, I got 165, Jim!


What was I thinking of?

I feel about this big.

Jim, you were off by three.

Oh, go ahead, lady, rub it in.

Anyway, uh, a chinchilla coat costs thousands of dollars, so I'm on easy street as soon as those little guys start to shed.

Watch out!

Ooh! Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, Tony.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.


I hate to be the one to break this to you, Banta, but they don't shed.

Oh, what do you mean? You got to clip 'em?


If you want to make coats out of the little babies, you got to...

(makes slicing sound)


Oh, no!

Oh, sorry, Tony.

Well, I can't do it.

I can't. I'm not gonna kill little-little Chubby and Muffin and... Whiskers and Boots and Iron Man and Rocky One, Rocky Two, Rocky Three, and Toots and Joey and Groovy... Wait a minute.

Tony, Tony! You named all of them?

I had to have something to put on their bowls.

Look what I got, everybody.

A monk.

Isn't that something?

You-You know the party you're all invited to, to come tonight to meet Simka's cousin Zifka.

ALEX: Yeah. TONY: Yeah?

Well, this is him.


This is some surprise, huh?


(chuckles): Wow.

When I was a reverend, I used to wear a robe myself, but it didn't look like that.

What-What did it look like?


Well, anyway, I won't bother to introduce him now.

I'll see you all at 8:00.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Why can't you introduce him now?

He can't talk.

He has taken a vow of non-communication.

See? Oh, oh...

He can't even do this.

And he can't even do this.

ALEX: Yeah, yeah. We understand.

You know, he can't even...

No, no. We understand, yeah.

Excuse me.

I wanted to ask a question about this party tonight.

Are we going to get wild or crazy?

You know, talk?


See, Zifka comes from a monastery in my country that has a religious order that is much different than any religious order you ever heard of.

Every ten years, each monk in the monastery takes a week off, and during that week, he is free to sample all of life's pleasures.

Zifka's week starts tonight at 8:00.

So, see you all there.


Come on... come on.

I admire that guy.

Did you see the serenity in his eyes?

It must be wonderful in there.

I'm going to take a vow of silence myself.

I, Jim Ignatowski, will no longer talk.

Oh, that's easy.


Everybody, it is 8:00.

It's time for Zifka's week to begin!

(zipping) Oh, gosh!

Well, I wonder what sage words of wisdom he will impart after ten years of meditation.

How do I look?

You look wonderful.


Zifka, we have a gift for you.

A watch.

Oh, but I cannot keep it when I go back to the monastery.

That-That's the good part.

Eh, we get it back when you leave.

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you.

So, what are you going to do first?


At the monastery, they are such sticklers for posture.


(sighing): Oh. Oh.

Zifka, Zifka, please, stand up straight.

We want you to meet our friends.

That's right.

Here, this is Louie.

Louie! How you doing?


And this is Alex.

Alex! Hi.


And over here, this is Tony.

Oh, how ya doing? Tony.

And this is Jim.


I-I want to thank you for bringing silence into my life.

And over here, this-this is Elaine.


Do you dance?


I thought so.

The man is a smoothie.

That's what he loves more than anything.


Yes. Oh, my good friends, I am so pleased to know all of you.

I have so much to catch up on in so little time.

Latka, do you know what I would really love to do now?

Well, no, golly gee.

I wonder, what would you like to do now?

I would love to listen to somebody really talented play the gruck.

Oh, well, I wonder where we could find someone who knows how to play the gruck.

Well, your cousin Zifka!

SIMKA: Oh, that's right!

Well, maybe he needs just a little bit of encouragement to play the gruck!

ALL: Play the gruck! Play the gruck!

(all chanting): Play the gruck!

Okay, okay.

He plays the eight-string gruck.

He plays it so beautifully.

He was a child prodigy.

Did you know that at the age of 12, he was the second gruckist in the national symphony?

There is a particular song, uh, from my country that I would like to sing.

It, um...

Tradition says that it may only be sung for a beautiful woman.

(plays a chord)

Uh, I think, Elaine, you fulfill those requirements.


LOUIE: I knew it.

He's been staring at your headlights all night.


Uh, "headlights" means, uh, eyes, Zifka... eyes.

Well, in that case, I dedicate this song to Elaine's headlights.


(singing in native language)

(singing and playing continues)

That was beautiful.

Elaine, in the song, he has asked you to go dancing with him in the village by moonlight.


Hey, Zif, what you're really looking forward to is going dancing?

Yes. Come on.

I'll take ya dancing. I know a place. Come on.

Oh! Gee, I just forgot.

I just remembered. I can't make it.

Elaine, come here a second.

Oh, take it easy.

Elaine, would you take Zifka dancing?

Wink. Wink.

Well, I don't...

I-I'd love to, but, I mean, Simka, you have this party planned.

Oh, no, no. Go ahead.

All I prepared was a bowl of bread.

Well, here I am in the same old rut: going out dancing with a monk.

She's only kidding. She's a good sport.

Go ahead. Have fun, you two.

(all saying goodbyes)

Thank you.

He's all right.

He's all right.

All right, turn out the lights. Party's over.

Bye-bye, everybody!

Come back again.


Yeah. We'll be right back. Yeah.

(laughing) Just a second, Zifka.

I just have to get my keys.

Oh, Elaine, I...

Thank you for a wonderful evening tonight.

Oh... (laughs)

Oh, I really enjoyed those clubs and the music.

You know, I just wish I'd gotten you to dance.

Oh, do you think less of me because I couldn't?

No, of course not.

I always wanted to, but I-I never really have.

So, there are all those people there, you know.

It makes me nervous.

So why didn't you just imagine that you were dancing alone with me?

Ah, that's what I was doing the whole time I was sitting there.


Oh, you're good.

Oh, no, no.

♪ Heaven... ♪


♪ I'm in heaven ♪


♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak ♪

♪ Da-da-da da-da da-da da-da ♪

♪ Da-da da da... ♪


♪ Da-da da-da da-da da-da da-da ♪

♪ Oh, I'd love to go out fishing ♪

♪ In a river or a creek ♪

(phone rings)

♪ But it doesn't thrill me half as much ♪ I'm busy.


♪ Heaven ♪

♪ I'm in heaven ♪

♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak... ♪

(Elaine laughing)

♪ And I seem to find ♪

♪ The happiness I seek... ♪ Oh, I always wanted to do that.

♪ When we're out together ♪

♪ Dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Dance with me ♪

♪ I want my arms about you ♪ (laughing)

♪ All the charms about you ♪

♪ When we're out together ♪

♪ Dancing cheek to cheek. ♪ How long are you in town for?



Oh, hi.

Oh. What did you guys do today?

Oh... oh!

We went to the Bronx Zoo.

And to the World Trade Center.

And then... then we flew a kite in Central Park, you know, and then we went roller-skating down Fifth Avenue.

Were you singing "I'm a Pepper, he's a Pepper"?

So how'd you like the World Trade Center, Zifka?

Oh, it... it was great.


Well, listen, Elaine, uh, shall I meet you again same time tonight?


Okay. (knocks on table)

I'm going shopping.

I'm going shopping to buy a present for a person, whose face like an angel, has made my visit here a treasure never to be forgotten.

Oh, I'm so flattered.

Even hearing you say it just makes me go crazy.

Oh, Alex.

I-I'll be leaving New York tonight.

I'm going back to the monastery, so... so I'll be... won't be seeing you again.

So, I just wanted you to know I'll be praying for you to find a little bit more happiness.

Oh, oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I'm just reading my newspaper.

Well, it was really nice meeting you.

Oh, good-bye.



Come early.


He seems to be taking up a lot of your time, isn't he?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, to tell you the truth, we're spending every chance we get together.

Mm-hmm. He's so much fun, Alex.

You know, he-he finds pleasure in everything.

He... it's, like, all a brand-new experience for him because... because... because he thinks that way, you know, and-and he makes me feel that way, too.

I mean, things I've seen and done all my life suddenly seem wonderful to me because he thinks they are.

Oh, I'll tell you, this has been the best week of my life.

Well, that's very nice for both of you.

Is something wrong?

Well, now that you mention it...

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you are the worst parent I've ever seen.

What?! You were spending so much time with Zifka, you forgot about your own son Jason's birthday party.

Oh, no.

Every year, I come over and we go to Coney Island or something like that? Yeah.

And I woke up this morning and I remembered the birthday was yesterday, and I... and those kids really must have missed their party.

Well, actually, Alex, we had the party.

You see, and-and Zifka was there, and we... we were having such a good time that I forgot to call you.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

I was just concerned that they have a good time.

Oh, yeah. They like Zifka?

They love him.

Yeah. I can see how they'd like him.

He's like a Smurf.

(laughs) Yeah.

Alex... I love Zifka, too.


Why are you laughing?

"I love Zifka."

I mean, the sound of it.

You can't possibly be serious.

"I love Zifka"... That's like saying, "I love Bomba."

"I love Cheetah."

Doesn't he have a last name?

What does his last name matter?

I, uh... I'm telling you, this is the fullest relationship I've had in a long time.

Fullest relationship?

Oh, come on, Elaine.

You may not have thought of this, but... in a full relationship, physical compatibility is very important.


So, he's been celibate for ten years.


So... he may find it difficult to be with a woman.

No problem.

No problem.

Well, that's a relief.

Alex, Zifka's wonderful.

He's... he's physical and spiritual at the same time.

Please. And... and you should see how shy he gets when I tell him that.

You tell him those things?


Oh, Elaine...

Elaine, this guy comes from another country.

Don't you know that?

I mean, he might... he might not understand that someone in New York... how they speak in New York, you know... people say things very easily and don't even mean them.

Well, I don't say them easily, and I certainly mean every one of them.

Alex, in the purest sense of the word, this has been the most romantic week of my life.

Oh... (blows raspberry)

Well, obviously, the romance eludes you.

Oh, wait a minute. Elaine, Elaine!

You know, I was going to let you walk out that door without saying my piece, but you keep heaping it on.

But at the point that I realize that you're toying with this guy, then somebody has to stop you.

Don't tell me I toyed with him.

I don't toy with monks.

You know, that's a terrible thing to say to somebody...

That they toyed with a monk.

Yeah, all-all right. Look, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I...

All right, maybe I'm wrong.

Elaine, now, come on. Don't be mad at me!



I'm not mad at you.


How could I be mad at you?


You're just jealous that you have no love in your life.

(knock at door)


Where have you been?

Our last night together.

Time is almost up.

I can't believe it.

I made you vegetarian lasagne and everything.

Elaine, I got lost.

I took the wrong subway.

We only have a minute, 40 seconds left before I have to be silent again.

Oh, there's so much to do.

I-I-I don't know what to do first.

Kiss me.

Now, eat some lasagne.


Mmm. It's good?


Isn't life crazy, Elaine?

You know, one minute, you're in New York kissing a beautiful girl, and then the next, back at the abbey rolling cheese balls.

Oh, it's so frustrating.

Elaine, I was looking forward to this entire evening to tell you of my feelings for you.

Uh... there's so much to say.

I don't know how I can say it all now. Shh.

You don't have to say anything. No!

No, I do. Elaine, you... you don't know how important this is to me.

You know, it's not very often

(watch alarm beeping) that it happens that... when...

Oh, no.

No, no, no.


Can you at least stick around?

Lots of couples don't talk to each other.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make you smile.

This is so frustrating!

Zifka, you're great.


And don't... don't worry about not being able to tell me anything.

What we had was so special.


Well, there's no easy way to do this, huh?

So, here's to us.

Bye, Zifka.

(piano gently playing "Cheek to Cheek")

(song ends)

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)