Taxi S5E11 Script

Zena's Honeymoon (1982)

(theme song playing)

Zena! Hi!

Look who's here! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Hey!

It seems like a million years! I know.

Long time, long time. You look fantastic!

Oh, thanks. So do you. Oh, Zena!

God, it's so great to see you both. ALEX: Look at that!

(Elaine laughs) Wow!


Hey, how's Louie doing, huh?

Louie? Oh...

Well, I'm sure he's happy at the moment.

He's checking the rat traps.

Well, I'm glad he's here.

I have something I want to talk to him about.

Oh, are... are you getting back together, or...?


No, no, no, no, no, no.

Uh, there's just this kind of formal affair I'd like to invite him to.

Oh, yeah? ALEX: Hmm...

Yeah. What's the occasion?

I'm getting married.

You're getting married?!

Oh, my God!


ALEX: Hey! You're all invited.

I always told you I'd invite you to my wedding, right? That's right.

That's right. All of us? Yeah.

Well, Zena, I mean, your wedding day is supposed to be the most wonderful day of your life.

Why would you be inviting Louie?

You know, I believe that you don't stop loving people, even when you pass 'em by.

Hey, you know, that's very beautiful.

You just tell him what you told us... and duck.


Hey, would you look who's here!

ALEX: Hey! ELAINE: Yeah.

Well... I'll be!

Alex Reiger, you old son of a gun.

No, no, no.

Jim, Jim, Jim...

Oh, you're a sight for sore eyes.

Yeah, yeah, it's great to see you, too, Jim.

Great to see you.

You remember Zena?

JIM: Oh, yeah, yeah.

The boss's girlfriend.

Zena's getting married!

Oh, congratulations! That's great.

See that?

Why... that boss.

The monkey never said a word.

Congratulations, Zena.

You got yourself a catch.

Uh, no, Jim, I'm not marrying Louie.

Another man?

Oh, perfidy!

Thy name is woman!

Jim, what are you talking about? ALEX: Jim...

Zena and Louie haven't been together for a long time.

She's free to do what she wants.

I think it's great, Zena. Yeah.

TONY: Congratulations.

Go back!

Take the rest of the day off!

What are you talking about, Iggy?

I caught one back there.

He didn't even finish the cheese.

Hi, Louie.

Um... uh... Uh, Zena Sherman, isn't it?

You're looking good.

Oh, thanks.

I got a mirror that tells me that.


You know, Louie, um...

I have something to tell you, but I don't think this is the right place.

Can you meet me for a drink after you get off?

Uh, I'll check.

Uh, Jeff? Yeah.

What's on my calendar?

A roach.

I'm free.

Good, good.

There's a nice bar in that new French place up the street.

Let's meet there, okay?

Oh, oui, oui.

(both laugh)

I'll see you in an hour.

Okay. Well, it was nice seeing you all.

So long, Zena. Bye, Zena.

Hey, good to see you again.

Right. Take it easy. Bye.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

What was?

Operation Crawlback.


And you guys thought she was through with me, huh?


Well... if you'll excuse me, I got to go home and change my sheets.


I have to tell you, Louie... you're way off base on this one.

Ah, relax, Reiger.

I'm just shooting off my mouth.

You want to know the truth?

I missed her, too.

LOUIE: Zena, I took the liberty of ordering dinner for you.

So, what's on your mind, Zena?

Well, you... Louie?


You know, we haven't seen each other in a really long time.

(sighs) Yeah.

So, uh, I was thinking maybe we should take a little time to kind of bring each other up to date.

Up to date?

Yeah, you know, like, uh...

Haven't there been a lot of... changes in your life?


Nothing's changed?

You want to know if there's anybody else that you have to worry about.

Well, there have been others.

There have been others, and as good as they were, none of 'em earned the Golden Louie.

(laughs) Oh, Louie.

I... You know why?

Because once you've found the exact person who's right for you in your life... Lou...

Actually, I have, Louie. See, that's why I wanted to talk to you.

Shh-shh-shh. Can I say something really...?

Shh. Shh. No, no. Look.

Let me make this very simple.

The door is open, Zena.

You've suffered enough.

Come in out of the rain.

Louie, I'm getting married.

You know, I always thought that I would forgive you, but not this quick. Louie...

I'm getting married! I mean, I thought that we...

I met another man, and we fell in love, and we're gonna be married in two weeks.

Oh, Louie, I am very happy.

And I'm really hoping that you can be happy for me.

Are you?

Happy for you?

Oh... (chortles) Yeah, I'm happy for you.

I'm happy.

Yeah, I'm-I'm happy for you.


We're happy for her, right?

Yeah, yeah, that's good. We're happy for you.

We're happy. We're happy. We're all happy.

Whee! We're happy for you.

Give me that!

Louie, I wanted to tell you myself so that you wouldn't find out on your own and be hurt.

Louie, I know this must be a shock to you, but we've meant a lot to each other, and I don't want that to end just 'cause I'm getting married.

Louie, I want to be friends with you, and I'm asking you if you can find it in your heart to come to my wedding.

I'd really, really appreciate it.

It would mean a lot to me.

Really, it would.



Who is he?

Who's the guy?

Who's the next victim?

I think maybe this isn't the right time to be telling...

No, no, no, no. I want to know. No, really.

I want to know who it is, Zena. I don't think I want to talk about this...

Not right now. Who is it, Zena? Tell me who it is.

Okay. Okay. Sit down. Sit down. Tell me! Tell me who it is!

Tell me who it is. Sit down.

Okay, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Tell me!

His name is Tom Pelton.

He's a child psychiatrist, and we met six months...

That's enough.


I understand.

I'm not gonna make this difficult for you.

Would you at least have the decency to go to bed with me for one last time?

I... I am going to forget you said that.

Well, then I'll repeat it.

Would you at least have the decency...?

Good night, Louie.

She didn't even look back!

You know, I'm not gonna pay for a damn thing on this table.

Ah, ah!

I didn't say I wasn't gonna eat it.

I'm just not gonna pay for it.

I'll get the manager.

Here. Bring me another bottle of wine.

What the hell are you looking at, Mac?


You never seen a man eat French food before, huh?


Hey, don't look away from me!

You're no better than I am, man.


Just because you're sitting there with a woman.

Get up!

Get up!

Come on!

Come over here!

Come over here!


How we doing, Jeff?

You got eyes.

I-I don't understand why you're acting like this.

I wanted to go to the wedding.

I'm sorry, Jeff, but slow moments are the only chance we got to catch up on these little odds and ends that we have to do around this garage.

We missed a spot.

(Elaine laughing) Hey, look busy. Somebody's coming.

(Tony mumbles) Why are you saying that?


TONY: What a great wedding!

ALEX: Lemme tell ya!

ELAINE: Oh, the best! Yeah.

The best! I can't believe I caught the bouquet!

You're lucky.

I got this.

(Elaine laughs)

Good going, Jim.

TONY: That's great.

That's looking good, Jeff.

ELAINE: She looked great. Looking good.

What we have to do now before we do anything else is put a coat of primer on it.

Hey, you know, you guys are late.

I got cabs to get out here.

Where you been?

We were at a wedding, Louie.

I really thought you'd show up.

Was that Zena's wedding?

Was that today?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Hey, what the heck?

I can't be runnin' off to weddings every day havin' a good time.

I mean, somebody's gotta do the hard, dirty, thankless little chores around here.

Guess who?

Hey, Banta. Yeah, Lou.

I want to talk to you a minute.

Come over here.

I want to... I want to ask you a couple of questions about the wedding.

Oh, I don't know, Louie.

I feel kind of funny talking to you about that.


Well, what good is it gonna do you to hear what kind of great guy Zena married?

How do you know he's so great?

We talked at the reception.

And we hit it off.

He was telling me great things about being a child psychiatrist, and I was telling him great things about being a neighborhood guy.

They're real excited about where they're going on their honeymoon.

Where are they going?

They're taking a cruise on the Britannia Star.

They went right from the reception.

I took her on a boat once.

I took her on a ride around Manhattan.

We made bets on who would see the most disgusting things floating around in the water.

I let her win.

And now she's gonna be out there on that deck looking for raw sewage with another guy.

(Elaine laughing)

(both laughing)

Oh, are ya happy?

Huh? Are you happy?

Yeah? JIM: Yeah.

Yeah, well, be happy at your work.

Get up, get dressed and get outta here.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with me.

I just want to share your joy with New York City.

Out, yeah! Out, get out!

Go on. Go on.

Here, you, too, Reiger.

TONY: Want me to help you out? Yeah.

You should have been at that wedding, Louie.

That was your last chance, you know that?

Your last chance to prove that you're a decent human being and leave Zena with a... with a loving memory of Louie De Palma.

And you blew it!

You could have shown a little class.

It was important to her.

What the hell good would that have done?

What would I have said? You could have said anything, you could have told her anything.

You could have told her the truth.

You could have said that happiness is hard to come by in this life, and she's given you more than your share.

Hey, that's nice.

Thank you.


That was beautiful.

"H-Happiness is..." How'd it go?


I-I-I don't... I don't remember what I say.

What-what'd you... what'd you say? Happi... happiness is...

"Happiness is hard to come by in this life, and you've given me more than my share."

Yeah, that is nice. Yeah.

That is beautiful... and classy.

Well, there's not much point right now.

No, no, no, this is great.

H-Happiness is hard to...

To come by by... in this life. In this life.

LOUIE AND JEFF: And you've given me more than my share.


What a way to go out!

What a man I'd be to say that.

There's still time, Reiger!

You're right.

You're right. What're you talking about?

I should've done the classy thing.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Jeff, you take over for me.

What're you talking about, there's still time?

What're you gonna do? They're on their honeymoon.

Happiness is hard to come by in this life, and you've given me more than my share.

Friendship is a gift of fate, and I thank the gods for sending you.

People who just say "hi" in this life don't know what they're missing.

(cheering, applause)

Oh! Oh, thought we'd never get away.

Me, too. (laughs)

But now, finally, it's just you and me.

So, uh, what do you want to do first, huh?

Uh, well, um, there's, um, bingo at 7:30.


And then, uh, there's a movie, The Poseidon Adventure at 8:00. (laughs)

Yeah, or uh...

How's that? This is a good idea, too.


Don't mind me.

I know how it is with young marrieds.

What-what are you doing here?

Well, I couldn't make the wedding, so I brought you some champers for the trip.

Who are you?

Tom, this is Louie De Palma.


It's kinda like meetin' a legend, isn't it, Tom?

Ah, I understand how difficult it must be competing with the ghost of Louie De Palma.

Louie did this, Louie said that.

You look great.

But I'm a good loser.

And, uh, I just want to speak my peace and get outta here.

Happiness is hard to come by in this life... TOM: You used to date this man? Yeah.

Yes, a long time ago.

You mean that this is the first time my name ever came up?

Oh, I get it.

Oh, that's very decent of you, Zena.

To spare old Tom here the pain of the inevitable comparison.


You really dated this guy?

Well, what'd you think, you beat out the governor and the president to get her?

This is what you beat out.

Right here, look, this is it.

It was you or this.

(blowing raspberry)


We used to go steady.

(blowing raspberry) Oh!

She said she loved me.

(blowing raspberry) That's it!

That's... I'm calli" security, and I'm having him thrown out. Oh, no, don't.

It's not necessary.

I know what he's doing.

I understand this man.

Oh, come on.

How can you understand someone like Louie?

Honey, I'm a psychiatrist.

It's my job.

I'm trained to understand deviant behavior.


Louie, can I talk to you a minute?

Sit, please.

Now, Louie... you are not the first man who has ever loved and lost.

(grunts): Yeah.

It's a common human experience.

Uh, as a matter of fact, everything that you've done up to this point was really quite normal.

It was, huh? Mm-hmm.

A lot of men would do exactly the same thing in your position.

You're wonderful.

You mean, you've seen all this before?

Oh... many times.

You mean, this is nothing new to you?

Oh, no, of course not.

Not to me, Lou.

It's not?

How 'bout this?

(growling) Oh!

Like that? Like that? Louie... stop it!


You're a psychiatrist.

Why am I doing this, huh?

Huh? Tell me, Doc. Stop it!

Why do you think you're doing it?

I'm doing it because I hate your guts.

And because it makes me feel good.

Stop it! Just cut it out! That's it! That's it!

Cut it out right now! (groans)



TOM: Oh!

Oh. Oh.

Oh. (sighs)

Are you mad at me?

(grunting): Louie!

All right, all right, I guess... I guess I've gone too far this time.

And to think, I ran all the way over here just to show a little class.

And what do I do?

I wind up strangling your husband and stealing his watch.


I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna get outta your lives.


Can I say one last thing to this woman?

Yeah, sure.

You went with him, huh?

Happiness is hard to come by in this life... and you've given me more than my share.

That's lovely, Louie.


I'm telling ya, I sure wish this hadn't happened, but I'm very glad I got to hear you say that.

It's a beautiful thing to say.

Thank you.


It's not my line.

That was Reiger's line.

Want to know how I feel, huh?

Do you want to know exactly how I feel?

This comes right from the heart.

The thing that... that really kills me, is that...

I'm never gonna do better than you.

You were the best woman that I ever had... and I let you go.



Would you do me one last favor?


When you see repulsive things floating around in the water...

I'll be thinking of you.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)