Taxi S5E13 Script

Louie Moves Uptown (1983)

(theme song playing)

I don't even know why I bother opening my mail.

It's always the same thing.

Yeah, I know. Bills, huh?

Checks. Yeah...

Some days you just want to dump the whole thing...


Ever since my dad died and my brother took charge of my estate, I've been getting checks, lots of checks.

I suppose this is a silly question.

In fact, uh, knowing you, I think it might turn out to be a silly question, but anyway, uh, why don't you cash those?

Alex, Alex, Alex...

Yeah, I knew it was absurd. I knew it.

When you cash them, what have you got?


Money can be lost, stolen or wasted and you feel terrible.

This way, if anything happens to them, what have I lost?


Iggy? Yo.

Iggy, come over here, come over here.

You know what you need?

You need somebody to handle your money.

Now let me be your business manager, Iggy.

Oh, uh...

I don't know, boss.

I've heard about business managers running off to Mexico with their clients' money.

And if you did that, I'd miss you like crazy.

Jim, Jim, Jim, come here. Yeah.

I think we better go open up a bank account for you right now.

Come on.


You got any identification on you?


"Jim Ignatowski."


You'll-you'll need your driver's license.

Oh, you need two IDs?

Yeah. Got it!


What do you want?

I want to say something to you, you miserable, selfish, nasty man!

Maybe you noticed that we have not had you over to dinner to our house in over a month now.

Last night Tony had us to dinner.

Now, everybody we have had to dinner has paid us back except you.

In my country, that is a terrible insult!

And I am tired of waiting!

You are no longer welcome in my home!

And I just want to tell you that to your face!

You're never gonna taste my jellied weasel feet again!

I'm going to be a little bit late.

I love to touch her all over when she's like this.

Louie, you seem upset.


No, I mean genuinely upset.

Yeah, Nardo, I'm upset.

The wife of the guy I like most in this garage just said I'm not welcome in their home anymore.

You see, I used to look forward to those evenings.

So why don't you just invite them over for dinner at your apartment?

No, no, no, no.

You haven't seen where I live now.

I don't invite any guests over there.

It's cheap, but it's a sewer.

I don't-I don't know why I stay.

Because it's you?

I'm sorry.

So, Louie, you know, you can afford a better place.

Why don't you get yourself a nice apartment?

You know, it could be a first step for you.


If you could improve your style of living, next thing you know, you could improve your whole life.

I love the way you're talking to me, Nardo.

Nobody ever talks to me nicely, and what you're saying makes sense.

I've always wanted a really great apartment.

And, you know, something plush with the-with the pipes inside the walls.

You know, this could be the birth of a whole new Louie De Palma.


Thanks, Nardo.



(stammers) Louie!

Ignore it! Ignore it!

Ignore it!

That was the old Louie saying good-bye.


Oh, ho-ho.




Mr. De Palma, is, uh, is this what you had in mind?

How can I have this in mind?

I've never seen anything like this in my life!

This is-this is-this is great!

Look at this fireplace.

Look at that.

And the rug.

Ooh, ooh.


Ooh! (laughs)

This is... Whoo-hoo!

And an ice maker!

An ice... I always wanted an ice maker.

Look, look, look, it makes those little ice cubes with the hole in it.



You know, I read somewhere where this guy in Jersey claims that he got sterilized by one of these, but-but I figure he must have been cooking in some weird position.

Oh, this is... A balcony!

Oh... Whoo-whoo!


This is... This place...

I mean, this is... (doorbell chiming)

Was that the doorbell?

Mr. De Palma, I'm awfully sorry.

I normally wouldn't dream of scheduling two clients at once, but, you see, this was the only time they could make it.

Hello. MAN: Hi.

Please, won't you come in?

Now, uh, Mr. De Palma, this is Mr. And Mrs. Sheffield.

They both just graduated law school.

Now what do you think of that?

Well, give me a minute to rub down the goose bumps.

We wanted a place like this all our lives.

That long, huh?

Oh, it's just perfect for now.

Oh, Scott doesn't want to have children right away.

Go stand by the microwave.

Mrs. Bascome, I'm prepared to talk financing.

Well, now this is what we call a 50% building.


Half the purchase price must be paid in cash, no financing.

Now in this case, that comes to $95,000.

(raspy gasp)


I'm afraid that's just a little too rich for our blood.


(stammers): Oh, me, too!






Hah! Whoo!



$95,000... I'll take it!

All right, Mrs. Bascome, you wait right over here.

Okay, who wants a really good cab today?

Oh, I do, boss.

Oh, good.

I'm glad you do, Iggy.

You know the rules now.

Oh, okeydoke.

How much do you want?


Okay, but if I'm gonna pay that kind of money, I want a cab with a heater.

Hey, wait a minute.

Louie, what're you trying to do here? Louie...

Don't-don't listen to them.

Don't listen to them.

Now, Iggy, I found a co-op apartment that I can buy into... Uh-huh.

That is the apartment of my dreams.

Now, I got most of the money, but I need $48,000 more for the down payment.


Hey, now wait a minute, Louie.

I'm not gonna let you take advantage of him like that.

Uh, let the man speak.

Jim, you're the only one I can turn to.

That's incredible.

I know, I know.

It's a lot of money, I know, I know.

You called me "Jim."

This marks a turning point in our relationship.

I want to remember this day.

The red-letter day when my boss and buddy finally called...

I called you Jim. Jim. Jim.

I know they say... that money can't buy love.


But if you give me these for 48 big ones, it'll be Valentine's Day forever.

You got it... 48 thou.

ALEX: Wait a minute, Louie.

What are you trying to do here? Hey, Louie, what're you trying to pull here?

I am gonna pay him back.

And this is all gonna be legal.

I'm gonna sign a promissory note.

And I am gonna pay him the prime interest rate.

Three percent.




I got it.

I got the money!

Okay, now let's-let's do the proper papers here.

Okay, okay.

Let's start the paperwork rolling.

But before you buy the apartment, you still have to be interviewed and approved by the co-op board.

And let me tell you, they are very straitlaced and they have this kind of preconceived notion of what their neighbors should be like.


JIM: Don't despair, boss.

When I applied to Harvard, they told me I'd never get past their stodgy admissions board.

But I did.

All you've got to do is dress nicely, shake hands firmly, and have your dad finance a gymnasium.

ALEX: Yeah, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

(knocking on door) Yeah, yeah.

Reiger. What the hell are you doing?

You got to help me.

I've got to face that interview board in an hour, and I am not ready.

Well, I'm not gonna help you.

There's justice in this, you know that?

You're finally gonna have to take the responsibility of being what you really are.

You're as ready as you're ever gonna be.

You're wrong.

I can't even pick out a suit, Reiger.

My appearance is crucial.

Oh, would you get out of here? I can't. I can't.

I told Iggy to meet me here with the money.

What do you think, huh?

What do you think?

Well, if you're really, uh, so concerned about your appearance, you might start with a few personal items.

Like what?

Like your fingernails for one.

What? You think they should be trimmed?

I think they should be condemned.

You can at least soak them in something to get the crud off.

Great. Soak the crud off.

These are the little grooming tips I need.

(knocking on door) I don't mean here. Not here...

Oh, your banker is here.

Hi, Alex. Hi, Jim.

Iggy. Hi, Iggy.

What's the boss doing?

Well, you see, he's, uh, he's very self-conscious about his appearance.

Well, then it's our job to put him at his ease.

No, no, no, no, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.

He's-he's gonna put a suit on any minute.

Don't worry about it. All right.

Come on, come on, Reiger, you got to help me pick a suit for the interview.

No, I don't.

All right then, if you're not gonna help me pick the clothes out, at least you can come with me.

I'm not gonna go with you.

Then help me pick out a suit.

What are you going so nuts over this for?

Because I don't want to be beat by the system again, all right?

What system?

The system.

You know, like when some guy thinks that, I don't know, that you don't look right, and-and you're not good enough to get something that you really want.

I don't know, the system.

I can't explain it. You wouldn't understand.

I'll wear the blue one.

No, I think I understand that.

I think I know what you're talking about.

You mean like when you're returning to your seat at a ball game and the, uh, usher wants to check your stub because, uh, you look like somebody who might have snuck in from the cheap seats.

Like that?

Yeah, yeah, like that.


When you go to a clothing store, you got one arm in the suit and the salesman runs off to help another guy who looks like a better prospect.

Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the...

Or when you're at a restaurant and they seat you at a table...

They seat you with the guy with the rented tie.

Or the rented jacket. Yeah, like that.

Yeah, or when you walk into a bank to open an account and a security guard undoes the flap on his holster.

ALEX: Exactly.


That's exactly what I'm talking about.

You don't think I know about the system?

I know about the system.

Here, put on the gray suit. The gray suit.

Wear the gray suit. Gray suit.

And I'm gonna give you one of my ties.

Reiger, Reiger, will you go with me?

Yeah, I'll go with you.

Oh, good.

Here. Put this one on.

Oh, ooh.

All right. All right, look, look, Reiger...

That's very nice... look, you don't have to say anything.

All you've got to do is-is watch me, you know, and give me a look in case I say something stupid.

What do you mean, "give you a look"?

LOUIE: I don't know. Perhaps something like this?

Iggy, will you cut it out.

Do you... do you still love me, boss?

You got 48 grand in your jeans?

You bet.

You're my heart's desire.

(doorbell chimes)

Very lovely.

Welcome, Miss Marshall.

I'm Mrs. Gwinn.

This is Mr. Blount and Mr. Parker.

Gentlemen, this is Miss Marshall.

She's interested in buying 16-B.

Well, I see you have quite a nice annual income for a single person.

That's her weekly income.


What exactly do you do for all that money?

I star in a television comedy series.

Uh, maybe you've seen it.

It's been on for eight years.

It's on every day and at night, you know, ♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated ♪

"One, two, three..."

Do you have any kids?

Can you describe it?

Well, um, it's more like a physical comedy show.


Yeah, like last week I was in a space suit flying across the room doing flips and stuff.

And another week I was in a fish tank swimming around with fish.

And then the other week I was a chicken.

They pay you all that money to be a chicken?

I just don't act like a chicken.

It's based on reality.

You know, see, I had to live in a store window for a week and I was claustrophobic, so they sent for a hypnotist, and so he hypnotized me, but every time a bell went off, I acted like a chicken.

If I ding like a bell, would you do the chicken?

Oh, please, lady.

Oh, please, you do want to live in this building, don't you?

Oh, go on, please.


(imitating chicken clucking)


Thank you, Miss Marshall.

We, speaking truthfully, don't like the lifestyle or the type of people associated with show business.

Frankly... we wouldn't allow an actor to live here even if he were English.

Good day, Miss Marshall.

Good day?

Because I'm an actress?

I didn't even want to do the chicken.

She rang the bell.

Look, I happen to work very hard at being an actress, and I'm very proud of being one.

You know, acting happens to be a very noble and dignified profession.

So on behalf of myself and all the other members of my profession, there's just one thing that I'd like to say to you all.

I didn't know you lived in this building.

Boy, I'm getting into some classy building. Hey.

No, no, no, I'm not living in this building.

They rejected me because I'm an actress.

Look, I don't know what you do for a living, but if they accept you, please don't let me know.

Uh, that woman looked very familiar.

She's an actress.

She's not gonna live in this building?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, we rejected her.

We can begin.

Uh, this is Alex Reiger.


See, he's my accountant.

What do you do for a living, Mr. De Palma?

Well, uh, I'm-I'm a supervisor in the transportation field.

Mr. De Palma is a taxi dispatcher.

It's an honest job providing a very valuable service to the people of this city.

Anything wrong with that?

Mr. De Palma, you're Italian.

Is that right?

Yes, I'm... Why do you ask that?

I'm sorry, I'm not talking to you.

Oh, uh, I don't mean that.

Reiger, Reiger, Reiger... I mean, what does that matter.

I mean, does that determine whether he gets into the building or not?

Do you object to certain ethnic groups, is that-is that what it is?

Reiger... No, no, Mr. Reiger, we have all kinds in this building, including three Jewish people.

Oh, and what makes you assume that I'm Jewish?

Point well made, sir.

We-we shouldn't jump to conclusions.

Perhaps someone in his family was a pelican.


Reiger, Reiger, Reiger. (angry muttering)

Pelican... the pelican, it's a regal bird, it's a noble bird, it's a fine bird.

A very good bird.

It was a compliment.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, Reiger...

What kind of friends do you have, Mr. De Palma?

What? What do you, what are you asking something like that for?

We have to know what sort of people will be coming and going in our building.

Oh, you do, do you?

I never entertain.

Oh, now, now, now, Louie.

Let's be honest. No, let's be honest.

Once a year the British ambassador comes over

(with British accent): for a spot of sherry.

Is that all right with you?

You're very hostile, Mr. Reiger.

Yes, you bet I am.

And I'm getting so, more so, by the minute.

I don't like anything that's been said here.

You don't need this.

You don't need these people.

You don't need this humiliation.

No... no apartment in this city is worth it.

Let them sell to one of their own kind, one of them as pompous and self-righteous as they are.

Come on, Louie, let's get out of here.

You're fired.

You are no longer my accountant.

What could I say?

I don't know what got into the man.

He came highly recommended.

Look, I never want to cause a scene, but, uh, I mean, his... his rudeness was just too much, just intolerable.

Well, well, well, Mr. De Palma.

I think you've shown us what we need to know.

Welcome to the building.

Call me Louis.

Wait a minute, Louie.

Are you gonna go through with this?

So that you can have the privilege of living here with these-these posturing chowderheads?

And you're gonna allow this-this canker sore of a man into your building?

To live with day after day, possibly for the rest of your lives?

That's right, Mr. Reiger.

And what are you going to do about it?


Cartwheels, all the way home.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)