Taxi S5E15 Script

Sugar Ray Nardo (1983)

(theme song playing)

Hey, Louie.

Hey, Jeff.

Hey, how come you hung this girlie calendar here?

Don't, don't say girlie calendar like those girls are bimbos.

Those girls are not bimbos, they're all career women.

That girl bending over to lace her boots is a brain surgeon.

Well, I don't care about the calendar, Louie, but why is it covering the picture of my mother?

Well, look, to tell you the truth, uh, Jeff, that picture of your old lady give me the willies.

Hey, Louie, what're you trying to say about my mother?

What, come on, let's face it, you must admit she's no Lena Horne.

Well, I think she's beautiful.

Everyone who knows her thinks she's beautiful.

'Cause God gave her beauty on the inside.

Good, because he gave her Swamp Thing on the outside.

Hey, Louie, you say one more thing about my mother and I'm going to deck you.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

When I see that picture, I see the most beautiful woman in the world.


I think you're the best referee we ever had with the kids.

Now you're so good I'm going to buy you a cup of coffee.

Yeah, thanks.

I don't know, I still feel I need a little practice on my footwork, you know?

Work out, Al, work out.

Alex, take a tip from your old friend Jim.

Sprinkle a little baby powder in your shorts.

And it'll clear that right up.

No, no, no, Jim, I was, I was refereeing down at Tony's gym.

Well, that's good for it, too, but if you really want to clear it up, just...

Thanks, Jim.

A lot.

Oh, good. Don't any of you guys leave.

ALEX: Huh? My son Jason's coming here with a tape you're going to want to hear.

He had his first music recital today.

Oh, yeah? How'd it go?

Oh, well, I don't know.

I had to work at the art gallery, so I couldn't go.

That's why he's coming here.

But you're in for a treat.

You're going to hear how his oboe lessons have paid off.

I think it's great that you're giving him those lessons.


Every boy should know how to hop on a moving freight train.

Jim, I think she said oboe lessons, not hobo lessons.

Hold on. Don't worry about it.

TONY: Oboe, huh? ELAINE: Uh-huh.

I mean, that's an interesting choice of an instrument to force your kid to play.

I didn't force him to play it.

What's wrong with the oboe?

It's a sissy instrument.

No, no, wait, wait, wait, I played the violin when I was a kid, and nobody thought I was a sissy, because I followed one simple rule.

For every hour that I practiced, I committed an atrocity.

Stay away from my kid, Louie.

Listen, I'm not making my kid into a sissy.

I mean, you know, Jason's learning to play the oboe now, but I wouldn't object if he came to me tomorrow and said, "Mom, I don't want to play the oboe anymore.

I'd rather spend my time..."

Ballet dancing.

Playing baseball or logging or smelting pig iron or anything he wants.

Besides, if Jason didn't like the oboe, he'd tell me about it.





That's a very expensive instrument.

It's a stupid instrument.

Why do you say that?

I know.

It's because the other kids tease you about being a sissy, huh?

No, th-they tease me because I don't play it beautifully enough.

The neighborhood has changed.

They're just jealous.

Now come on, I want to hear your tape.

(oboe playing "Peter and the Wolf" off-key)

Oh, Jason.


Oh, it's so beautiful, I could cry.

Yeah, you and the composer.

"Peter and the Wolf."

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I haven't heard that for weeks.

Mom, I got to go.

My ride is waiting.

Oh, all right, well, I'll listen to the whole thing later.

(tape recorder clicks off) Okay.

Hey, hey, Tony, how's your boxing coming?

Oh, well, uh, I'm not taking too many bouts lately.

You know, I'm coaching kids instead, Jason.


Hey, do they get beat up as bad as you used to?

No, no. They wear headgear and big gloves and all, you know.

It's fun.

Why, why don't you come down sometimes?

And box?

Absolutely not.

Why not?

I think she has her heart set on logging or smelting pig iron.

Well, I-I don't want to box.

I just want to watch. Hey.

Oh, you want to watch.

Oh, okay, that's all right.

Come on, honey, you're going to be late for your movie.

Yeah, we're going to see Star Wars again.

What's your favorite part?

That scene in the bar.

Oh, you mean, the one with all the weird-looking aliens in it?

You like that kind of stuff? Yeah.

Here, show this to your friends.

They'll love it.

All right.

Don't swallow this, Matty.

Okay, you got it?

All right, now, mean.


Okay, ooh, this...

I bet you're going to be good, I hope.

(bell clangs)

All right now, box around now.

All right, stick it out, Matty.

Use the left.

Ooh, all right, Carlos, good shot.

Ooh, easy baby now... JASON: Hey, Tony.

Hey, Elaine. Hi, Jason. Hi.

I'll be with you in a second. Okay.

Move now, move.

Keep moving.

Move to your left.

Matty's usually good for about two minutes before I have to stop the fight.

Keep going, baby. Oh, you let them fight until they hurt each other?

Oh, no, no. That's when his trunks usually start falling down.

(laughing): Oh! Okay, come on now.

Keep moving there, Carlos.

Oh, Tony, aren't they too young for this? Stop hitting gloves.

Nah, look at 'em, Elaine. They're not hurting each other.

I mean, gee, they're learning sportsmanship, hand-eye coordination.

And boxing, it's fantastic for kids.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, wait, uh-oh.

(bell clangs)

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Well, I'm sorry, Matty, I'm sorry.

All right, buddy. I love this kid.

Keep moving, guys, finish strong.

Hey, Tony, this looks like a lot of fun.

Can I try it?

Uh, no, Jason, you can't.

Why not?

Well, well, because your mother doesn't want you to.

All right, guys, move in there now. Move in.

Finish strong. Finish strong.

All right, time.

Time. Time.

Way to go, guys.

All right, Carlos, great workout.

You're looking good, babe.

You, too.

Get a shower. Get out of here.

Hey, Coach, who am I going to spar with?

Well, where's Thompson?

He went home.

Ah, well, uh... well, gee, there's nobody left.

I guess you can be first next week though, okay?

What about him?

Uh, Elaine, let me have a word with you a second here.

You know, Jason wants to box, and this is a perfect opportunity for him because Gregory over there is perfect for your son.

What do you mean by that?

Gregory is a wimp.

Are you saying that Jason's a wimp?

No, no, not a wimp.

A sissy?

No, no!

A weakling.

That's all I'm trying to say. Yeah?

Well, I'll have you know he's extremely athletic.

I know. Oh, Mom, can't I box?

Please, Mom, please, let me box.

What's the matter?

Your mommy won't let you fight?

Let him go one round.

I promise, I promise, nothing will happen to him.

I promise, Elaine.

Please, Mom.

(imitating Jason): Please, Mom.


All right, if you really want to.

All right! Great!

Come on, get some gloves on you. Come on.

Tony, why did you...?

(Tony humming tune)

Elaine, don't worry about a thing.

You're doing the right thing. Yeah?

Wait a minute, let me... You sure?

Oh, yeah, this is good for Jason.

He's a regular kid.

Let me tell ya, this might even improve his wind for them difficult oboe passages.

Here you go.

I'm ready, Coach.

(clearing throat)

Hi, what's your name?

"Bulldog" Gregory.

What's his?

Oh, that's my son Jason... "The Butcher" Nardo.

Come on, guys, in you go.

See? And you thought I was an overprotective mother, didn't you?

Well, I'm not.

I'm a blithering pea brain.

Oh, Elaine.

All right, guys... Now you listen, Jason...

You saw those other guys, so just use your instincts, okay?

You'll be fine.

Now, look, I want a clean fight, all right?

I don't want no hitting behind the head.

And when I say "box," you box.

But when I say "break," you break, all right?

What's he doing?

Not now. He's new.

All right, here you go.

Okay, all right, wait a minute here.

Okay, buddy, here we go. ELAINE: All right.

TONY: All right now.

Be careful.

Here we go. You ready?

(bell clangs) All right, box around.

All right, Jason, nice and easy.

First time in there, you know, you want to look good.

ELAINE: See, you look at him move.

That's it, Greg, move in on him. Ooh, good shot!

ELAINE: Ooh, hey!

What the...? Ooh, hey!

TONY: Hey, Jason! Hold it, Jason!


What's the matter with you?

You don't hit anybody when he's down.

Get up! I'm not through with you! Get up!

Oh, hold it, hold it. The fight's over.

Jason wins.

Come on, get up.

My God, shake hands.

Whew! Hey, now, look, you.

Let me get you out of this thing.

Go hit the showers.

I've only boxed for ten seconds.

I don't need a shower.

You needed a shower when you got here.

Get out of here. Get this thing off.

Are you all right?


Did you see me?

I mean, I punished him.

Yeah, you did.

I killed him! I got him in the gut!

I made him go, "Ugh!"

All right now, okay, all right, now stop it.

Stop it!

I don't like this side of you.

Hey, you've got a pretty talented kid here, Elaine.

Yeah, talented?

Yeah, quick hands, quick feet.

He could be a terrific boxer.

Oh, if he ever boxed again, which he's not.

That's not fair!

How come I always got to do the stuff you want me to do, but I never get to do the stuff I want to do?!

Because in this case, what you want to do is appalling and disgusting and dangerous to you and extremely distasteful to your mother.

You said the same thing about Pac-Man.

I wish Dad was here.

He'd let me box.

Jason... Jason...

Tony, don't look at me like that because he's not gonna box.

Come on, Elaine.

He's not gonna box!


ELAINE: Oh, Alex, Alex, he's been miserable for three days.

ALEX: Mm-hmm.

I mean, I'm trying to raise my son to be a normal, healthy boy, and maybe sometimes I need a man's point of view.

I think you should let him box.

Maybe not yours.


Oh, do you really think so?

You don't care what I think.

No, I do, I do.

I was just hoping that maybe you'd agree with me.

Oh. See, Alex, I'm afraid that maybe Jason's missing out on something, being raised by a single mother.

If you really think I should let him box, then convince me.

Uh, Alex...

Uh, may I?

Uh, I think I have a few pertinent words to say on this subject.

The ability of two men to put on gloves, stand toe-to-toe in the spirit of sportsmanship and pummel each other into insensibility is what separates us from the animals.

(head thuds on bench)

Elaine, come here, come here.

Look, look, look, just listen to me.

We're not talking about prizefighting here.

We're talking about kids boxing under, under very safe conditions.

I mean, with headgear and big soft gloves. Yeah, I know, I know.

I just don't want him to get hurt.

Elaine, would you trust me?

I've been refereeing these little ten-year-olds, and where they hit me, if they could do any harm at all, you wouldn't be hearing me now unless you were a dog.

Oh, he really wants to do this, Alex.

Then let him do it.

Come on. Competitive sports are good for a kid.

They teach him discipline.

They teach him, they teach him courage.

They teach him determination, self-respect.

I was raised by my mother.

She didn't want me to do competitive sports.


No, but she finally gave in.

Yeah, I can remember making that school team, getting into my first game, catching that ball and tucking it under my arm and racing down the field.

I mean, it's moments like that you don't forget.

Did you score a touchdown?

Well, no, actually, we were playing soccer at the time.

We... not allowed to use your hands in soccer, so it cost us a penalty kick.

And, uh, well, after the game, the kids on the team took off my pants and threw them out of the bus window, but that didn't matter, no.

I mean, I felt, I felt accepted.


If Jason were your son, Alex, would you let him box?

I would.

Okay, you've convinced me. I'm gonna let him box. Good.

You're not gonna regret it, I'm telling you.

You're not gonna regret it.


Elaine... Oh, Tony!

Don't interrupt me.

I've been thinking about this for the past three days, and I've gone over and over every argument to convince you, and, well, I think you should let Jason box because... well, you should!

Okay, Tony.

I should have been a lawyer.

Yeah, yeah.

(bell clangs)


Louie, what are you doing here?

I want to make sure nobody welshes on their bets.

You're betting on these fights?

They're just children.

How could you bet on little kids?

I made little bets.

What kind of sick person would take your bets?

It was only two dollars.

He's my son.

HILLARY: I see your son's matched up against my son.

Good luck.

Well, you seem awfully calm.

To be honest, I'm not that thrilled about my son boxing, but beats hanging around a pool hall.

Your son hangs around pool halls?

No, I do.

(bell clanging)

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, before the next bout, I have an announcement.

Uh, we are honored to have at ringside a very special guest.

He is the champion of last year's 68-pound division, none other than Johnny Castillo!

(audience cheering, bell clanging)


Hey, John, all right!

Nice to see you, bud.

(bell clanging)

The next bout, we have in this corner wearing the blue trunks and weighing 65 pounds... Jason Nardo!

(audience cheering, bell clanging)

(audience whistling)

And in this corner weighing in at 66 pounds and wearing red trunks... Benny Jamison!

(cheers, whistles, applause)

Okay, come on. You know the rules.

No low blows, no head butts and no name-calling.

You understand?

I want a clean fight. Shake hands. Come out fighting.

All right, Jas, now you remember what I taught you.

Okay, now keep moving, sticking out that left.

Keep your guard up. Don't get tired.

Save your best for the third round.

Go in there and nail him!

Go ahead, baby, get him, baby, go!

(Elaine gasps)

TONY: Jas? Jason! Oh, no!

ELAINE: Jason! Jason!

Oh, Jas! (Jason sobbing)

I think my nose is broken.

I think he said his nose is broken.

Oh, no, baby, you're all right.

It's not broken, it's just sore.


It's broken.

Oh, no!


Oh, can I have my purse, please? Oh...

I am so sorry.

I hope you don't blame my son for this.

Oh, no. I, I couldn't blame him for anything done in the spirit of competition, no.

I blame him and I blame him!

Hey, Nardo, I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.

You can pay me tomorrow.


Elaine, I'm gonna go. I'm going.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Tony, Elaine!

Uh... uh, here, you're the ref, Johnny.

Look, Elaine, I...

Tony, please, let's not have another scene like we had at the emergency room.

At least she's calm now.

I just wanted to tell her:

Don't worry about Jason's nose.

My nose was broken six times.

Look how good it healed.

(sobs quietly)

What'd I say?

Tony, Tony, it's all right, it's all right.

She's in a mood.

Nothing you can say can make it any better.

Anyway, you're home now.

Oh, okay. Uh, hey, look, Elaine, I'm really sorry.

I'm really, really sorry, and I don't blame you for blaming me for this.

I don't blame you, Tony.

It's just bad luck, I guess.

You spoke!

She spoke!

All right, thanks, Elaine.

Good night, Al. Night, Jason.

Good night, Tony.


You know, I'm really glad to hear you say that.

I was afraid you weren't gonna speak to either of us again.

Elaine? Oh, come on!

Now why are you more mad at me than you were at Tony?

'Cause I don't rely on Tony's opinion like I rely on yours, and you know that.

You said to let him box, so I let him box, and look what happened.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, it's not your fault.

(sighs) It's my fault.

I'm the one who let him box.

Oh... But that's it!

Oh! Oh, I'm gonna be so careful with this kid from now on.

If you thought I was an overprotective mother before, ho-ho-ho, you ain't seen nothing yet.

He isn't gonna go anywhere, he isn't gonna do anything, and all he's gonna eat is strained food.

Oh, come on, will you, Elaine?

No, I mean it, Alex.

I mean it.

And he's not gonna ride his bicycle.

And he's definitely not gonna climb trees.

And no way is he gonna play any sports.

Oh, come on. He isn't gonna do anything there's the remotest possibility that he could hurt himself.

Oh, yeah? The day will come when he has to shave.

Who says?

Oh, some men look better in beards.

Not a pretty picture: a 44-year-old man sitting in a room full of hair, playing an oboe.

Come on, Elaine, you know you're not gonna do that.

I know, I know.

There are so many tough decisions to make, and I don't know if I can make them all.

You'll make them.

Making tough decisions is part of raising a kid.

So you make some mistakes along the way, but you're an intelligent woman, and you're a caring person, and you're a loving mother.

I think Jason's lucky to have you as the one who's gonna make those decisions for him.

Thanks, Alex.

You're welcome.

You know, the funny thing is that even after all he's been through, losing the fight and breaking his nose and-and the pain and trauma of the emergency room, I bet that right now he's wondering when he can box again. (chuckles)

You gotta be kidding.



(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)