Taxi S5E20 Script

Arnie Meets the Kids (1983)

(theme song playing)


Hello, everybody.

Where's Latka? Where's Latka? I got wonderful news.

What is it, what is it? What is it?

Here, you read this for yourself.

I got to go find Latka.

Latka?

"Bleam niki schlev rosko iska bedosko pavitz iba da."

Is it, uh, from their country?

Yeah, I guess so.

The stamp commemorates, uh, goat cheese.

There...

LATKA: No, no... no, no, no.

Why, why, why, why, why?

It's a wonderful job.

You said I could get a job.

This is one job I don't want you to have.

Hey, Simka, what kind of a job did they offer you?

I gave you that letter. I know, but I didn't have my reading glasses.

So, uh, tell me, what kind of a job is it?

You go ahead, you tell him.

This just happens to be a letter from my government.

They would like me to be the ambassador to France.

The ambassador to France?

That's right.

Excuse me, Latka, but, uh, I may be a little confused here.

Read it. But isn't the, uh, ambassador to France a kind of prestigious job?

Yes, I would say.

It pays $2.75 a hour.

Why does your country want to appoint you ambassador to France?

Because I'm the only one who speaks French.

Look, I don't want to go to France.

I am American.

America is my country.

You cannot have this job.

Now are you going to, from now on, is pout and throw the temper tantrum and make my life hell from now on?

Oui.

Hey, she really does speak French.

Hi, guys. ALEX: Hey.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, Elaine, I had such a wonderful time today.

I had such a wonderful time, I'm not even going to pester you with questions about whether you had a wonderful time.

Well, thank you, Arnie.

However, if you'd care to volunteer the information, I'd be glad to hear it.

I had a lovely time.

So, uh, what'd you guys do?

ARNIE: Well... decency prevents me from divulging the details, but, you know, it had to do with water beds, baby oil...

TONY: Oh! Arnie!

They know I'm kidding.

Yeah, well, I don't think they do.

Really? Well, great.

No, actually, we went to an opening of a new gallery in SoHo.

Ooh, he must really love you.

ALEX: Tony...

I have to go change, okay?

Well, I probably won't be here when you get back, so you're gonna just have to kiss me good-bye in front of everybody.

Bye, sweetie.

(sighs, chuckles)

Hey, Ross, I want to shake your hand.

Well, I don't see any harm in that.

You know something?

You've climbed Everest.

What do you mean?

Nardo.

I mean, you know how many guys you beat out to get her?

Well, I never thought of it as a contest, but now that you mention it, I must say I went for the gold and I got it!

I'll see you later, Lou.

You know what?

I think it's his boyish insecurity.

It's got to be. There's nothing else.

(clearing throat)

So, first day on the job. You like it?

It's a job.

Oh, gosh... (chuckles)

I don't know what came over me.

I mean, I was so bold. I mean...

It's not like me to be that way. I...

Oh, look, I'm gonna come right out and say it.

I-I was wondering if, uh, maybe, uh, you and I, we could, uh, we could go have a soda.

Really?

That's charming.

Aw... it's...

Well, and, and, and then, may...

Oh, no, I can't. I can't, I can't do it.

(whimpering)

Go on.

Well...

I thought maybe then I could walk you home and we could do it till we pass out.

Hey, I think it worked, Lou.

You usually get slapped much harder than that.

Oh, hey, Elaine.

Now what's the scoop with you and this guy Arnie?

I mean, I know the guy's gentle, and, and sensitive and unassuring and likable and loving and...

Wait, how do you know all this?

He's got to be, Elaine.

I mean, but how serious are you two?

I don't know.

I don't even know what kind of relationship I want with him yet.

Hey, Elaine, what do your kids think of him?

Are you kidding, Alex? The kids got to love him.

He's like Yoda.

Tony...

No, actually, uh, he hasn't, uh, met Jennifer and Jason yet.

TONY: What? He hasn't met your kids in five months?

No. Actually, uh, I've been avoiding introducing them.

Why?

I don't want my kids to get involved with Arnie unless I'm sure that I want to get involved with him.

If things didn't work out between Arnie and me, then I don't want the kids to get hurt.

TONY: Oh...

Well, that sounds very reasonable.

ELAINE: Oh, good.

I'm so glad you agree with me.

In an overprotective, paranoid sort of way is what I mean.

No! Huh?

Because I have a favor to ask of you. Me?

Tomorrow night Arnie's coming to the house for dinner and I've got to leave the kids with someone.

And their father's out of town, so could you watch them for a couple of hours? Uh...

Please, Alex, you're the only one I can ask.

I'm sorry, Elaine, but... Tony?

Oh, uh, I'm sorry, Elaine, but, uh...

Lupus?

Lupus? Lu... Elaine! Lupus?

You're gonna trust your kids to a guy who promises never to bathe again until Seattle wins the Super Bowl?

Please, that's not the one.

Never mind, Lupus.

Forget it, Lup.

What am I gonna do, Alex?

Look, the simplest thing to do is let the guy meet the kids.

I mean, big deal, come over, he'll say hello, pat the kids on the head and they'll both go off to their rooms.

Quivering with excitement.

ALEX: Tony, please.

I'm not saying that the guy wouldn't, uh, grow on the kids in time.

Arnie is a quiet, unassuming guy, right?

He's not the kind of guy that the kids are gonna fall in love with instantly, is he?

Well, maybe you're right.

I hope you're right.

You'd better be right, because tomorrow night those kids are having dinner with Arnie and me.

Hey, good, good.

Good choice.

You know...

I once dated a woman whose kids were very attached to me.

Eventually, she wanted to break up.

Mm-hmm. So... to make it easy on those little tykes, at our last dinner I pretended to have a heart attack...

and die.

Yeah.

After the children were sedated... and the woman stopped screaming, pounding me, she was profuse in her gratitude.

I'm great with kids.

Hi, everybody.

Bonjour, tout le monde.

Hi.

She's been acting like a child because I won't let her be ambassador to France.

How long are you going to keep this up?

Je vais continuer jusqu'à la fin de mes jours.

What does that mean?

Uh, my French is a little rusty, but if I were you, I'd have someone taste my coffee in the morning.

Okay, Simka, I have been selfish.

You want the job, you can take it.

Oh, Latka.

Oh, Latka, my darling.

Oh, I knew that you would love me enough to do the right thing if I made your life a living hell.

But I got good news for you, also.

There's no job no more.

What?

No. I got another letter from the homeland.

We broke off diplomatic relations with France.

Oh, good, you're here.

Hi, Arnie.

Listen, Elaine has invited me home tonight to meet her kids.

I really need your help.

I mean, you know those kids.

What do you suggest?

Oh, come on. I don't know why everybody's making such a big deal about this.

I mean, it's just a couple of kids, Arnie.

Why on Earth are you so nervous about it? TONY: Yeah.

Because I want them to like me.

I mean, you don't know the work it takes to get people to like me.

I put out, man!

And now I have to win over two more.

Arnie, why don't you give us a break?

Them kids are pushovers.

Well, not for me, they're not.

I remember my childhood.

The key to popularity was knowing how to play dodgeball and how to make those little sounds with your armpits.

Well, I, I couldn't do those things then, and I can't do them now.

Oh, that's easy, Arnie.

You just go like this... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey hey, hey, hey, hey.

She wants to be ambassador to France. ALEX: Yeah.

Listen, look, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, just listen to me, will you?

All you got to do is go over there and be yourself.

That's all kids ever want.

Oh, really?

Was Buffalo Bob himself?

Was Bozo the Clown himself?

I hear Mr. Rogers is really like that.

Tony, please. Will you?

Arnie, Arnie, look, look.

Just listen to me, huh? Just trust me.

Look, I know those kids.

I'm telling you, I know those kids.

All you got to do is go over there, be yourself and don't talk down to them. That's all.

All right, come on. Get your butts out of here.

You got your cab assignments. Now hit the road.

Hey, you two, get out of here. Your conjugal visit's over.

I feel a little foolish, Alex, and, uh, I want to thank you for talking some sense into me.

Yeah, yeah, anytime, anytime.

Thanks.

Hey, Ross.

Did Nardo ever mention a guy named Peterson?

No, why?

Elaine adored him.

When he met the kids, they hated him.

(makes gagging sound)

Well, what happened to him?

Nobody knows.

But legend has it that on a cloudy, foggy night, when the moon is full, you can hear his voice saying, "Elaine, I thought we had something special... special... special..."

You know, Jeff, sometimes I hate myself.

But it's moments like this that make up for it.

ELAINE: Arnie's gonna be here any minute, so I want you guys to be good, okay?

Mommy, what if he doesn't like us?

Oh, well, I guess I'll have to trade you in for two new kids.

(gasps)

No, I'm kidding.

Hey, Mom, what if he likes me and not Jennifer?

Can we trade her in?

Well... Mom!

No, never. We're a team. We're a set!

It's all of us or none of us.

Put 'er there, pards.

ALL: Hmm!

(chuckling, knocking at door)

Okay.

Aw, he's here.

Does he have to stay long?

Oh, come on, you guys. What is this?

You're going to have a great time.

(knocking continues)

ARNIE: Hello, Jason. Hello, Jennifer.

I'd like you to meet the greatest guy in the world...

Arnie Ross!

Wow! Wow! Hey!

Hi, Elaine! Hi.

Jason, this is for you.

Thanks!

Oh, I want one!

Oh, I thought you might.

Oh! ELAINE: Oh, wait, wait, wait. Come on, you guys.

You can play with those toys later; I want you to meet Arnie.

(kids shouting) No, it won't be so bad.

I'm going to make some balloon animals while we talk.

Hey!

Now, Jason, I'll bet the girls are just crazy about you, but you don't give them the time of day. Right?

I'll bet your favorite sport is... soccer.

But I'll bet you're very interested in... veterinary medicine!

Now, what's your favorite animal?

A mouse or a rat?

A mouse.

Well, there ya go!

Wow.

Arnie, would you like to take off your coat?

Are you kidding? I'm fighting for my life here.

Now, uh, Jennifer, I'll bet you're in the third grade...

(spluttering)

And I'll bet that you're at the top of your class.

Ah!

Now, what's your favorite animal?

An octopus.

Aw, give me a break.

Then a snake.

A snake!

You're great! I like you!

Thanks!

Okay. (laughs)

Let's relax now, right?

Okay, come on, Arnie, give me your coat, and I-I'm gonna get you a drink, okay?

A drink? In front of the children?

Well, I don't want you to think I'm a reckless drinker.

Arnie, some wine is not going to seem reckless.

Well, then let's all get stinking drunk!

Just a joke, kids.

It's a little adult humor.

(sighs)

Here.

Well... Presents, balloons, drinks.

This is turning into quite an evening, isn't it?

I'd say you made quite a first impression.

He sure has.

Yeah, what's next?

Next?

I don't know.

Uh... well, how about, um...

What about money?!

(cheering)

No. No, wait, wait.

Would, uh, 20 bucks apiece sound okay to you guys?

(screaming)

There you go. ELAINE: No, no, no, wait.

Jason, Jennifer, I want you to give his money back, okay?

(all shouting)

Why don't you guys go take your puppets and play in your room, okay?

Okay? I want to talk to Arnie.

And don't forget who bought them for you!

Well, hail the conquering hero, huh, babe?

I think your kids like me.

Arnie, how could they like you?

They-They didn't even meet you.

They met somebody else.

Well, did they like him?

They love him.

Well, good enough.

Arnie, you can't keep this up.

The hell I can't!

As long as there's ice cream to scoop or a riddle to tell or a toy on a shelf, those kids are mine.

Arnie, you don't have to keep this up.

I don't want you to keep it up.

I think I know what's troubling you.

You've mistaken my behavior as some kind of attempt to buy your kids' affection.

Oh, mistaken? Come on, you were doling out $20 bills.

You were giving hard cash to-to small children so that they'd like you.

I'm sorry, I got to ask those kids to give you that money back.

Oh, no, don't do that.

They'll think I'm a rat fink!

All right, now look, I've got an idea.

Let them earn it.

In return for the money, they could just come over to my place tomorrow and put in some copper plumbing.

Well, that was easy.

Let me handle this, okay? Please?

Jason! Jennifer! Come on out here.

Yeah, Mom?

Okay, I want you guys to give Arnie his money back. Okay?

Wait a minute. I thought we had that settled. Yeah, uh, no, it's not settled. JENNIFER: Yeah, we get to keep the money.

No, no, no... Of course they do. They want to keep the money.

I mean, of course.

You both know that it's not right to keep the money...

(all clamoring indistinctly)

Jason and Jennifer, I want you to give him his money back right now!

You're ugly! You're stupid!

I hate you, Mom!

(door slams)

You have beautiful children, Elaine.

Arnie, that scene should never have happened.

I know you thought it was okay to give those kids that money, but as their mother, I didn't, and you should have respected that.

I'm-I'm upset with you.

Would $40 make you feel better?

Elaine, I'm sorry. I tried very hard.

Obviously, this has turned out in the worst possible way.

I've estranged you from your own children.

I mean, I just, I shouldn't be allowed to be around children.

I don't understand children.

I don't know how to talk to children.

I should be sterilized.

Arnie...

Oh, great, more fireworks.

Mommy?

What?

Mom, I'm sorry.

You're pretty, you're smart and I love you.

(laughing)

I'm sorry, too, Mommy.

You're the nicest mother in New York.

Aw.

ELAINE: Well, I love you guys, too.

How about setting the table? Okay?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Come on, Jason.

They're great kids, huh?

Yeah.

Look, Elaine, I know I've been screwing up tonight.

I think if you'd just let me have a couple of words with the children, everything will be fine.

Okay, go ahead.

Kids... Good night.

Oh, come on, Arnie, you've got to stay for dinner.

No, I think I've caused enough trouble for one night.

Oh, but everybody would be upset if you left.

Right? Arnie isn't leaving, is he, Mommy?

Yeah, please don't go, Arnie.

We have the table set up for you.

We baked four potatoes.

All right. Now, come on. Sit down for a minute.

Now, listen.

Now, this time I don't have any more presents, and I'm not gonna give you any more money.

And from now on, whatever your mother says goes.

Okay?

Okay.

You mean, you'd still like me?

Yeah, sure.

Just not as much.

They're honest.

Yeah. I like them.

Elaine, that was such a lovely meal.

The kids were so great, and everything just went so well.

Mmm.

Are you all right?

Mm-hmm.

Well... why don't you tell me what's the matter?

Okay.

Arnie, don't get me wrong.

I mean, this really doesn't have anything to do with you and me specifically.

It's just that... it just worries me a little when my kids get so emotionally attached to a man that I'm dating.

Well, I don't think you have any cause for worry here.

I'd hardly say they've become attached to me.

BOTH: Good night, Uncle Arnie. Good night, Uncle Arnie.

Hey, good night, kids. Mmm!

Are you really taking us to the zoo tomorrow?

Well, I said I would, didn't I?

Yay, Uncle Arnie!

JASON: Yeah, he's the greatest.

All right, now, you two, you know it's your bedtime!

Good night, Mom. Good night.

I love you. Good night, Mommy.

Good night, baby.

I'm gonna sleep with my puppet tonight.

And I'm gonna name my goldfish after you.

Oh, great!

Aw... Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Arnie's even cuter than Ricky Schroeder.

Ah, ten minutes after I'm gone, they won't even know I've been here.

Arnie, they love you.

Well, I guess so.

But that could be fixed.

What do you say I march in there and, uh, kick their butts all over the room?

Really, I-I'm-I'm delighted that my kids love you so much.

Really. It's just that it's-it's put me in sort of an awkward position.

You mean, this is more serious than I thought?

Could be.

In other words, you don't really know quite where our relationship is going, and you don't really know quite how you feel about me, so the fact that your kids like me might make it more difficult to break up.

Uh-huh.

That's a really terrible position that I put you in.

I-I think this might call for-for some champagne.

You're such a dear man.

Oh, I-I'm glad you think so because now, you know, you may be stuck with me.

I guess I am.

You know what?

What?

I love it.

(both chuckling)

(theme song playing)


WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)