Taxi S5E24 Script

Simka's Monthlies (1983)

(theme song playing)

ALEX: Yeah. All right.

Well, bye-bye, everybody.


I'm going to meet Simka at the Department of Immigration so she can get her green card and stay in America forever.

Oh... yeah! ALEX: Hey, Latka, Latka, that's great.

That's great. LATKA: We'll have a party, and you're all invited.

Oh. JIM: Uh, excuse me?

Are you serving barbecued yak lips again?

I-I wasn't planning on it, but, uh, if you want, okay, we'll serve it just for you.


Latka, wait, Latka, Latka, listen, I got a great idea.

And, uh, believe me, this is not a comment on how you entertain.

Uh, just to save you the trouble, why don't you let us handle the party?



You know, this-this feels like this is a nice way of you saying that our parties stink.

A very nice way.

Tony, Tony, will you?

Okay, well, in that case, we'll be home at 6:30.

Okay, we'll do it. Okay, all right, all right.

Hey, Latka, how are we gonna get in your apartment?

Open the door and walk in.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Latka, don't you lock your door?

Why? This is America.

ALEX: Oh, no.

Latka, I mean, this-this is a great country in a lot of respects, but you know, there are still some vile, horrid people around.

Oh, that reminds me.

Uh, Louie?

Thanks for thinking of me.

Hey, look at this!

Look at this.

Well, what do you know? Ooh!

Did you do all this? Hey, Jim!

Yup. Pretty snazzy, huh?

ELAINE: You got it.

I wanted Simka's party to have a patriotic motif.

Where'd you get all this stuff?

Democratic Convention, 1968.

Did I ever tell you I was there?

ELAINE: Uh-huh.

Yes, you did. In fact, you told us you got arrested.

Yup, for stealing decorations.

They never would have caught me, except I went back for one other item.

What was that?

John Chancellor's tie.

(Simka and Latka arguing loudly in their native language)

(loud thud on door)



Gee, what is this?

It looks likes Uncle Sam exploded in here.


They thought you were going to get your green card, and they wanted to give you a party.

TONY: Yeah.

Oh! What a great surprise!

You have such nice friends.

Gee, it's such a pleasure to have you in my home, and I hope you have a great party.

(voice breaking): All right? Good night.

That was a lovely speech.


Oh, Latka, didn't-didn't Simka get her green card?

No, no, but that doesn't matter. It's-It's all right.

Listen, let's have some fun.

Now, who's up for bobbing for fish parts?

ALEX: Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Latka.

Simka didn't get her green card?

Was there some kind of problem?

No, is no problem.

She just didn't go inside the building.

But that-that doesn't matter.

Here, uh, Jim, you fill up the sink.

Uh, Elaine, open up this can of flounder faces.

Alex, hold your nose and count to 20.

Yeah, wait a minute.


LATKA: Uh-oh.

Hi, everybody.

How is the party going?

Is everybody having a good time?

Now, if there is anything that you want, don't hesitate to ask for it.

Don't mind me.

I just had a craving for a little salt, you know?

Uh, Latka, close the drape.

Okay, now, uh, who wants to bob first?


But I've got to warn you, I've done this professionally.


Latka, I-I don't want to butt in, but, uh, she wouldn't go into the office, and she's acting very peculiar.

You don't miss a thing, do you?

Listen, it's no cause for alarm.

She gets this way once a month.




Are we supposed to have realized something here?

Okay, Jim?


Simka's having her, uh, monthly problem.

Bills, bills, bills.

Well, who is winning?

I am.

Hey, Latka, what are you doing here?

I thought you had that, uh, big appointment at the Immigration Office.

That's right.

What's the hurry?

This is the third interview we've lined up, and Simka has yet to show up.

She's going to be deported, and my life's going to be a barren desert.


Why did these interviews have to happen while she's having her crimpka poosh?

Well, Latka, maybe if you explain to them that she wasn't feeling very well, they-they'd postpone it for a couple of days.

Couple of days?


It's going to be more like two weeks.

Oh, no, no, Latka, I'm sure you're mistaken.

No, Simka's...

A woman's...


Well, my... crimpka poosh...

(laughs) lasts four days tops.

Elaine, you don't have crimpka poosh.

Latka, I don't want to argue the point, but I do.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do!

You don't.

Latka, I have crimpka poosh, and I have been crimpka pooshing since I was 12.

Elaine, you don't by any chance think I'm talking about your period, do you?

Well, I did.

But maybe because I love talking about it so much.

Now, wait a minute, wait.

If that's not it, then-then what is it you're talking about?

TONY: Yeah, what is it? Yeah.

Well, I'm talking about the two weeks every month when Simka becomes like another person.

Is, uh... she, by any chance, clumsy, Latka?

Yes. How did you know?

And she craves salt?


As a matter of fact, she puts it in the coffee.

Hey, it tastes terrible.


Uh, does she have... headaches?

Talking jags?

Crying jags? Depressions?


(clears throat)

Latka, I'm no scientist or medical authority.

I'm just an average Joe.

But in my opinion, Simka suffers from premenstrual syndrome.

Oh, really? You think so?

That's terrible.


I read about it in the Harvard Medical Journal.

Or was it on a box of Cocoa Puffs?


Jim, please tell me more about this.

Simply stated, throughout Simka's monthly cycle, hormonal changes occur which...

(phone ringing)

I'll get it.

Hey! Hey, wait a minute!

Where are you going?

Come back here, you.

ELAINE: Latka? Wait a minute!

Latka, I know what Jim is talking about, and I think he's right. I-I...

Just... It sounds like, uh...

It sounds like Simka's suffering from premenstrual syndrome.

But don't worry about it.

I had a friend who had it.

She went to her doctor. He gave her vitamins.

He changed her diet and-and it really made a difference.

How long did it take?

About two months. Well, I only have six minutes before this interview.

It's the last chance before Simka gets deported.

Hey, Latka, Latka, excuse me, but, uh, sometimes when, uh, someone knows, uh, what they've got, it makes it easier for them to deal with it.

Now I'll bet that just before you go into that interview, if you take Simka aside and explain to her just what's wrong with her, it's gonna help her get through it.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, that sounds like a good idea.

Yeah. I'm going to meet her right now at the Department of Immigration, and I'll tell her.

Okay, good luck. Okay.


TONY: Good luck, Latka.

Good luck, baby. I've got to go, too, you guys.

I'll see you.

Hey, wait up. I'll walk you out.

Hey, take it easy, Al.

Okay, see you later.

LOUIE: Boy, Reiger, I'd hate to be you.

I'd hate to be the one who ends up having to help everybody else.

Geez, what a sap!

It may surprise you, Louie, but I happen to enjoy helping people.

And, yes, I will admit, it gives me a certain pleasure, yes.


JIM: Poor Latka.

That was Simka on the phone.

She says she's not gonna show up for her interview this time.

I tried to persuade her, but she growled at me.

I guess she's gonna be deported.

She is doomed.

Is there no one who can save her?

Is there no one who can go over there and talk some sense into the poor, demented soul?

Oh, it seems so hopeless.


But wait a minute!

Reiger the Good is here!

He'll save the day and enjoy himself to boot.

Let the good times roll, Reiger!

(knocking on door) ALEX: Simka?

(knocking continues) Simka?!



Simka, I, uh, I want to talk to you.

(Simka growling)

Now, look, Simka, if that's you, you better stop this.


Oh, so, Reiger, what, you were just in the neighborhood and decided to drop by uninvited and scream at me?

No, no, no, no, no, I, uh...

(crunching) I was a little startled when you pulled that curtain open. Mm-hmm.

Look, Simka, I just came here to tell you something that, that's gonna make you feel a lot better so you can go to the interview.

I ain't going to no interview!

(whimpering): My barbecue chips!

Oh, come on, Simka, you got to go.

If you don't go, you're gonna have to leave the country.

I'm going to have to leave the country anyway, Reiger.

Because I'm crazy.

I'm a mad woman that Latka is well rid of.

Dear Lord, help me, I'm wacko!

I'm wacko!

Reiger, I'm wacko.

No, Simka, Simka, you are not crazy.

You are not wacko.

You have premenstrual syndrome.

Pre-what syndrome?


You had just better be talking about little men in blackface who play the banjos, buddy.

Because where I come from, we do not talk about the other thing in front of a man.

Oh, come on, Simka, this is America!

Oh! Oh, it's America.

Oh, forgive me, I lost my head.

I-I got nothing to be ashamed of here.

No, no, sir.

I want all America to know that I have a menstrual problem.

Maybe we could just work it in to the half-time show at the Super Bowl.

No, no, wait, wait. Where are you going?

Oh, I'm just going up to the roof to sing a few bars of "I Enjoy Being a Girl" and then I'm gonna jump.

No, no, no, Simka, Simka, Simka, please, just listen to me, listen, you're not crazy, you're not crazy.

You have premenstrual syndrome.

Simka, it's not your fault.

Now a lot of women have it.

It's not completely understood, but I'm telling you, it can be treated.

You're not just lying to me to get me to go to that interview, are you?

No, no, no, no, I'm telling you the truth.


Yes, yes, of course.

Simka, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Well then, if there's nothing to be ashamed of, how come it hasn't been the movie of the week?

Well, I'm sure it will be.

They'll probably call it "The Love Bloat."


I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What if I go to this interview and then I get there and I say the wrong thing?

Would you please help me, Alex?

Of course, I'll... Oh!

Don't touch me, just help me. Right.

I won't touch you, I won't touch you.

Look, Simka, all I can say to you is that if you don't go down to that Immigration office right now, they're going to deport you.

And you're gonna break Latka's heart and possibly ruin both of your lives.

Now, look, Simka, now that I think you know what causes the problem and that you're not crazy, that you'll be able to find it in yourself to get up now and go down to that interview and get through it.

I'm, I'm gonna try.

Good, good.

And, and, and I think I could do it, too.

I know you can. I think I could get myself under control and convince them that I'm a reasonably sane and rational person.


All right, let's go.

Wait, uh, Simka, wait, uh, what about what you're wearing?

Of course.

Do you like this?

Now that is exactly what a rational, sane person would wear.

Good, I'll change on the bus.

No, no, no, no, Simka, wait, Simka, wait, wait!

LATKA: But I think my favorite part of America is the fruited plain.

Of course the purple mountain majesty is nothing to shake a stick at.

And you know, when I hear people say that they don't like America, they think it's a troubled land on its last legs, I say, "You should be happy to live in a land"

"where you have the freedom to criticize.

"In my country, you'd be covered with jelly and sent to live among the fat."

Mr. Gravas, please, the question was, "What was your wife's maiden name?"


But I don't understand why you're asking me these, these questions.

"What is my favorite TV show?"

"What do I have for breakfast this morning?"

Why don't you ask me why I love America?

I'm asking specific personal questions so I can compare your answers to your wife's to make sure that you really live together.

You know, a lot of people try to fool us with a paper marriage so they can stay in the country.

Frankly, Mr. Gravas, since your wife hasn't been showing up, I've become a little suspicious of you.

You think you can tell a lot from asking me these stupid questions?

It isn't just the questions.

I also look to see how people react.

That's the real giveaway.

If people are very nervous and fidgety, well, I know they're trying to put one over on us.

Yeah, well let me tell you something about my wife.

She's naturally nervous and fidgety.

And matter of fact, one of the reasons I married her is because she's nervous and fidgety.

Wait until you see.

It's a real turn-on.

She's one... She's one hot, fidgety mama.

Yeah, well, if she doesn't get here in about a minute, I'm afraid I'm going to have to miss that.

Now, Mr. Gravas, the final question is, "What was the last movie you and your wife saw together?"

Um, oh, it was Officer and a Gentleman.

I remember because I thought it was going to be a double feature.

Well, that was the last question and she's still not here.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to terminate her application.

No! No! I'm sorry.

No, please, no, no, but you don't understand what America means to people like us. I have to get home for dinner.

I love my wife. If you send her back, Yes. I have to go too and our children won't be able to, I understand that. to grow up in such a beautiful country.

Please, understand that.

I take it this is Mrs. Gravas?


Hello, everybody.

Simka, I have to talk to you.

I have some good news about your crimpka poosh.

Not now, dear.

Um, hello.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

And I hope I haven't inconvenienced you, Mr. Officer of the Land.

Sit down, will you?

Thank you.


Now, Mrs. Gravas, I'm going to ask a few questions.


What was the last movie you and your husband saw together?

With all due respect, do you mind if I ask you a question?


What has that got to do with the price of tea in China?

I'm going to compare your answer to your husband's.

Now, what was the last movie you two saw together?

Okay, let me think.


Movie, movie, movie, movie, movie...

Why am I thinking about movies?

Because I asked you what the last movie you two saw together was.

Oh! Of course!

Of course, wait a minute.


Ooh, it's just right on the top of my tongue.

Oh, let me think, what was it?

What was it? What was it? What was it?

See, I told you. It's a real turn-on.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I, I, I got it!

What was the last movie that Latka and I saw together?

That's the question.

What's the answer?

Oh, of course.

Of course.

No, wait a minute, no, no, don't worry, uh, I can think of it.

I can think of it, don't worry.

Don't worry.

(shrieks) I got it!

I got it.

It was Ghandi.

Oh, she's right.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

I forgot.

I said it was Officer and a Gentleman.

But, but don't worry, Simka.

There are still a few more questions. No!

Excuse me.

What do you mean there are still a few more questions?

We already got one wrong because you can't tell the difference between Richard Gere and a bald Hindu.

Now, now, Simka, be calm.

What do you mean, be calm?

You wouldn't be so calm if it was you who was gonna get deported.

Well, if you would answer the questions, you won't be deported.

Well, what's the use of answering the questions if you got them all wrong?

Now, listen here you...

(arguing in foreign language)

(yelling in foreign language)

Uh, excuse me?

Excuse me!

I don't think there's any point in going on with this interview.

Oh, no!

Latka, what have I done?

Your green card will be in the mail shortly.

Yes, I'm thoroughly convinced that you two are legitimately husband and wife.

Latka! Simka!

We did it! Oh!

Uh, you can leave now.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Uh, wait a minute.

Aren't you gonna give us that speech about

"Welcome to America"?

We don't do that.

Oh... Welcome to America, Mrs. Gravas.

Thank you!

I passed!

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)