Taxi S5E7 Script

Alex the Gofer (1982)

(theme song playing)


MAN: Look, you're wrong, Ned.

What we're selling is the Broadway experience.

We want the out-of-towners and the average man to buy those tickets, and those people want to see an orchestra in the pit.

Those people don't care where the orchestra is.

They probably don't even know where it is.

Here, I'll show you.

Excuse me, cabbie? Hmm?

This man's a producer, I'm a director, and we want to ask you a question.

Have you ever been to the theater?

Yeah, I think I have.

MAN Terrific.

All right, now, did you notice where the music came from?

I don't mean the singers, now, I mean the musical instruments.

Yeah, the musical instruments.

Like in No Strings, where they eliminated the violins and put the brass and the woodwinds right on stage, whereas in Man of La Mancha, they put them backstage, separated between the two wings.

And of course, there was that wonderful way that Andrei Serban orchestrated the instruments and the human voices placed within the set in his Greek Trilogy at the La MaMa theater.

Uh, are you an actor?

Who? Me? Alex?

No, no, no, I'm just a cab driver who happens to love the theater.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, when I was younger, I wanted to work in the theater.

I'd have done anything just to get my foot in the door.

You know, we're interviewing for gofers tomorrow.

It's too bad you're not 20 years younger.

Well, wait a minute.

I like to think a man is never too old to be a flunky.

As a matter of fact, you know, if the hours were flexible, you know, I could be...

Alex, Alex... no.

Oh, okay.

I understand.

It was worth asking anyway.

Latka?

Simka, just go home.

You shouldn't go to work when you're sick.

Look, we cannot afford to lose a day's pay.

And besides, I'm not really that sick.

Well, let me just see if you have a fever, all right?

All right. Let me see.

You're burning up!

I am not.

That's a raging inferno!

Jim, tell me if you think he has a fever.

Feel his... feel his head.

Tony?

Tony... Tony, do you think he has a fever?

Something terrible has just happened.

TONY & SIMKA: What?!

I've forgotten why I'm doing this.

He's hot.

He's hot.

You cannot work when you're sick.

Oh... all right.

Go ask your boss for a day off, all right?

Okay. Louie?

Louie?!

(shouting): Louie!

LOUIE: Take it easy!

You're gonna crack a windshield.

Louie...

I don't feel very well.

My wife, that I love very much, is-is upset because I'm risking my health to work here.

You know, for-for over three years, I have not had a-a day off from backbreaking labor.

So, could-could I...

Could I please have the day off?

I don't know.

Now, what are you worried about, Latka?

This is America.

We got a thing here called sick pay.

Oh! Oh, good, good.

You pay me ten bucks, you can go home.

Louie... Never mind, Latka.

Louie!

Now we cannot get cable.

Now, we have neglected this long enough.

You are gonna go home.

You're gonna drink lots of liquids.

You're gonna take aspirin and go right to bed with a pumpkin.

No, uh-uh.

I... I'm afraid I'm gonna have to destroy this myth.

I used to live on a commune, and although those who slept with pumpkins did, in fact, seem to be healthier...

so did those that slept with many other vegetables.

ALEX: not the point. ELAINE: I don't know.

I know, I know.

All I'm saying is that 20 years ago, I would have killed to get that gofer's job.

20 years ago? What about now?

Oh, please.

Tell Tony. What?

What? What? Listen to this.

What? Nothing. ELAINE: Tell him.

Nothing. No, it's just that I...

I happened to ask a Broadway producer for a job as a gofer.

Wow! Great! When do you start?

He doesn't. TONY: Why not?

Because the guy told him he was too old for the job.

And you accepted that, Alex?

(snickers)

Haven't you seen Rocky III?

No.

Are you kidding?

Rocky III may be the greatest Rocky movie since Rocky I.

How do you tell 'em apart?

They're numbered.

I see.

And you know what the motto of Rocky III is, Alex?

Yeah, stop me before I make another one, please.

No, no, no, no.

It's "Go for it!"

And he could have been talking to you, Alex.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I always thought that, uh, well, that if I had gotten a job like that, I mean, even a gofer's job, 20 years ago, that maybe today I would have been a Broadway producer.

Alex, go for it!

You know, Alex, I don't know much about how you move up in that business, but if that gofer job could be turned into anything, you're the man who could make it happen.

Oh, come on. No. TONY: Yeah!

ELAINE: Yes!

I mean, even if I got a job, if I got that gofer's job...

Which is no small task... I mean, who's to say they'd let me do anything but go for coffee?

Alex, you're forgetting the most important thing about you.

ALEX: What?

You're smart. Yeah.

You have ideas, you have insight.

There's no way those people aren't gonna notice that.

Alex, you try for that job.

Alex... go for it!

Eye of the tiger.

Alex, do it!

All right, I'm gonna go for it.

Yeah.

But I don't want anybody to find out.

Oh, come on! Since when are you worried about things like that?

I don't want Louie to find out. Oh.

Ah, so what? So you say to Louie, "Hey, Louie, I'm a gofer."

No, no, no, no, you don't understand, Tony.

I mean, the truth is, I would feel foolish saying that.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah.

I mean, for some reason, something like this makes you feel, uh, fragile.

Yeah, yeah, so that's why Louie's never to find out, understand?

Yeah. Now, I have to have your word on this.

Hey, you have my word. ELAINE: You got it.

Louie must never find out. (door opens)

Don't say another word.

Please, don't take the fun out of this for me.

ALEX: Louie...

Basically, I'm a sportsman.

Louie must never find out, eh?

(cackling)

I give myself five minutes.

I can't wait to see which one cracks first.

I'll drive you, Alex. All right.

Uh, good luck, Alex.

Thank you.

Iggy!

(laughs) Hey, boss!

(both laughing)

Look, Iggy... Huh?

How about if you and me, we play a little game, huh?

All right, all right.

Now... Now, first, you ask me something that you want to know...

Uh-huh.

And I'll answer, okay?

And then, I'll ask you something that I want to know, and you have to answer.

Sounds like fun, boss.

Yeah!

(both laughing)

Okay, all right.

Now, you go first.

Ask me anything.

Okeydoke.

Where is Tony taking Alex?


I guess we should start those interviews.

Put all calls through.

Hey.

Hey, the cabbie from last night.

Yeah, Alex Reiger.

Yeah. Hi.

So, what's up, Alex?

Did we leave something in your cab, or didn't this bum tip you?

Uh, no, I, uh, came about the gofer's job.

Listen, Alex, I told you...

ALEX: You know what's great?

I'm not at all nervous.

Because this really feels right, so, uh, I guess that means you're gonna give me the job, right?

Because, otherwise, I'd be nervous, huh?

Boy, great.

Now, I know what you're gonna say.

Uh, you don't want to give me the job because you're afraid you'll feel kind of awkward bossing around a guy who's older than you, right?

No.

No, we like that.

Oh, I get it.

You're kidding.

(laughs)

Yeah, sort of wry?

Huh? A little playful?

Broadway hip, huh?

Tender, but tough?

(laughs) I like him.

Let's hire the old coot.

Hey!

Congratulations, Alex.

Hey, thanks.

Welcome aboard. Thank you.

Mm-hmm. How about some lunch?

Uh, no, thanks. I ate before I came over.

Oh, right... yes... lunch.

Hey, Alex.

Wow! A polite greeting!

Never thought I'd hear one of those again.

Oh, no, no.

You mean it's that bad?

It's terrible. It's terrible.

I don't think I can take much...

I don't think I can take much more of it.

I'm telling you right now.

I mean, I didn't mind getting yelled at because the pastrami wasn't lean enough.

I didn't mind, uh, having to blow up this inflatable cushion because the producer has a bad back.

I... (Tony grunts)

But what really rankles me is having great ideas and not even be able to say 'em out loud.

So, why haven't you?

Because it's not my place.

TONY: Oh, man!

(Elaine clears her throat)

Alex, nobody cares where a really great idea comes from.

Well, the other reason I kept quiet was because I-I didn't have a really great idea.

Okay, Reiger.

What?!

Come on. What?!

Come on, what is it?

You're being so secretive, it must be something really embarrassing.

Now what are you ashamed of?

I'm not ashamed.

I got a job in the theater.

Let's just leave it at that, all right?

Wow.

I'm impressed.

I guess you'll be, uh, kissing the old cab job goodbye, huh?

Well, no, not, not right away, no.

Why not?

Because I, uh, I've formed certain attachments that are very real to me here.

Well, good luck.

Oh, thanks.

Maybe I can come down and visit sometime, Reiger.

Uh, no, you see, what we're having now is, uh, it's something called closed rehearsals.

Maybe in the not-too-distant future.

But right now, I gotta go, because I'm really very late.

No, no, one more, one more thing.

Reiger, I always knew that you would be the first guy to dig himself out of this slime.

Congratulations. Thanks, Lou.

He must have the cruddiest job in the world!

I gotta go down and see him do it.

Come on, Banta, where is it? No.

Where's he work, Nardo? Forget it.

Nardo, where does he... (growls)

Why are you tormenting yourself, boss?

Because, Iggy, I got an opportunity to go down to some theater and really let Reiger have it.

(growling)

But I can't find out where it is.

You don't know, do you?

Yeah, I know.

Well, tell me, Iggy, come on!

Tell me.

Iggy, Iggy, you gotta tell me.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

I can really go down there and let him have it.

Okay.

Great, Iggy!

I'll tell ya because... by my telling you, I'm giving you the chance to turn your life around and become a decent man.

I used to be a reverend, boss, and I'm betting that when I tell you, you won't go.

I'm betting you're about to be saved.

Alex is working at the Ambassador Theater.

That's it!

Go celebrate your newfound virtue!

Another sinner saved!

Hallelujah!

I don't know why this last scene doesn't work.

I think it's the dialogue.

Didn't he say the same thing before?

Alex, you want to do something about that trash basket?

Can't; my hands are busy right now.

Alex, just step in it.

Right.

ALLEN: Now, look, if it's the writing, we'll have Dave fix it.

Let's not bother him today.

He's got so many rewrites to do.

Hey, can I make a suggestion?

No. Okay.

Um, you know, you know what I think?

I think, I think we need another scene.

Yes, that's, yeah, we need another scene.

We need a scene in which, uh, Carl would, uh, come to Michelle and say...

I don't think you need another scene.

I think your problem is staging here.

I mean, all those entrances and exits, they're killing you.

Right?

Look, all they have to do is go to a side set where nobody can hear them but they can be seen.

You know, like in Death of a Salesman.

You remember Death of a Salesman?

See, they don't have to be heard there.

All they have to do is, um, simple behavior.

You know what I mean?

Alex, I don't want to seem rude, but we'll save the living theater.

You take care of the patty melts.

Right.

Oh... This is yours.

Oh, hey, are you busy?

What can I do for you?

Well, I need somebody to run lines with me in this new scene.

Uh, no, no, I'm not an actor really, I...

You don't have to act, you just have to give me cues.

No, no, I, I, I... You know, it starts right over here.

I'd really, I'd really feel kind of awkward doing this.

I just want to get the feel of it.

Okay, all you gotta do is read the words.

I know, but I really can't do this. Oh, please.

Please.

Here?

Right there.

Why are you acting like this, Michelle?

Because... I want you.

I want you desperately.

I want you here.

I want you here; I want you now.

And you don't think I want you?

Not like I want you.

I dream of you.

I'm obsessed with you.

You say that now, but why would this time be any different?

Because, this time, my skin cries out for your touch.

Your mouth.

Your lips.

Your chest.

(shrieks)

What are you doing?! I...

What is with this guy?

Jeff!

Allen, we better get over to the stage.

Yeah, Alex, Alex, I hate to bring this up again, but my cushion's getting a little low.

You know, I got an idea.

Why don't we get a pump for this thing?

Just fill it up.

Have it in my car by, uh...

Oh, boy, where's my watch?

Huh? You know, I bet I took my watch off and left it on the table and you put it in with the rest of the garbage.

Oh...

You know, I may not have even worn it today.

I may have just left it home.

Alex... you better check anyway.

(sighs heavily)

When you put the cushion in the car, could you get the gas tank filled up and have it washed, too? Yeah, okay, right.

(inhales deeply)

(inhaling)

(inhaling loudly)

Louie!

How long have you been here?

Too long.

What have you seen?

Too much.

Who let you in here?

Two guys.

Goodbye, Reiger.

I will never tell anybody about what I saw.

Tell me something, Reiger... how could you do this to yourself?

Reiger, do you know... what was special about you?

Please, will you?

You knew you were nothing and you were great at it.

But taking this job, Reiger, it's like, it's like tampering.

The theater.

It's like trying to be something you're not.

Hey, hey, Reiger, it's like if you got a nose job.

I mean, you'd be walking around with this little nose saying, "Hi, I'm Alex Reiger."

And everybody would say, "That's cute, but we want the real Reiger, the one with the honker down to here."

You know something, Louie, there's something you will never understand about this.

There is a certain glamour and excitement about being connected to a Broadway show.

Alex, you're an errand boy.

Yeah?

Well, not all the time.

That's true.

Sometimes you're a trash compactor!

Don't do this to me, Louie, please.

I'm right on the edge right now and I, uh, I don't feel good about what I'm doing so, please, don't ruin it for me.

You want to feel good about it?

Then leave here with the ounce of self-respect you got left.

Take one of those sandwiches and shove it in that guy's face!

I'll get you one.

Ooh!

Egg salad!

Alex?

Alex, you busy?

Look who's here.

Listen, I want to talk to you about something.

Listen, listen, sometimes I know I can be very distracted.

Yeah... I know I can be very rude.

Here. But I do listen to what people say.

Look, I... I think your idea's gonna work.

We're gonna try it right now.

Huh?

Why don't you come watch it with us out front?

Yeah, okay.

Okay, and bring some coffee.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Louie, I'm wanted out front.

Oh, excuse me, would you run lines with me, please?

(theme song playing)


WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)