Taxi S5E8 Script

Louie's Revenge (1982)

(theme song playing)

Oh, boy.

Nothing like seeing E.T. for the 64th time to pick up your day.

Oh, Jim, aren't you sick of that movie yet?

Does this look like I'm sick of it?


I bet you've seen that movie more times than anybody else in the city.


Actually, there's this kid...

Fat kid, wears glasses, 13 years old...

Who's just seen it for the 74th time.

I love that movie, too...

What was your favorite part?

Uh... I guess when he was watching the mother read Peter Pan to the kids, you know?

Oh, yes.



Hey, hey, that was good, but what about when he made the bicycles fly?

(Elaine and Jim gasp)

I loved that. Brilliant, moving.

This is making me want to go see it again.

What was your favorite part, Alex?

I haven't seen it.

Why the hell not?

Because I-I just don't, uh... I just haven't, uh...

I-I admit the lines were pretty long at first, but that doesn't cut it anymore.

I haven't seen it because I don't happen to, uh...


Why? Why, why, why?

Because I don't like science fiction movies, all right?

(incredulous gasp)

All right, then.

Here's five bucks.


Mr. Smug. What are you talking about?

Go see E.T.

Oh, come on, Jim.

Do me and your soul a favor.

Jim, I don't want...

I don't want the money, please.

If you go see the movie and you don't like it, then I'll take your money back.

And by the way, don't sit next to a little fat kid with glasses.

He flicks Milk Duds at people who say the dialogue along with the movie.

(Milk Dud clacks into can)

(phone rings)

Sunshine Cab.

Who do you want?


W-Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady, lady, I can't understand you.

You're slurring your speech.

Uh, Lilewoowi?

Lilewoowi De Palma?

This is him.

Who's this?

What do you want?

Uh... where are you?

Oh, yeah?

Well, no, I-I-I don't know, I don't know.

I-I-I... Yeah.



Now, who was that, Lilewoowi?

It was a voice from the past, Iggy.

A woman.

A seductress who possessed class and charm and sophistication that made her seem beyond my grasp.

You mean that prison guard?

You love bringing that up, don't you, Reiger?

No, not the prison guard.


Oh, Emily.


Who's that?

She's a beautiful photographer who I once took a crazy trip to the stars with.

Excuse me, for those of you interested in accuracy, I'm going to do a simultaneous translation on this one.

She had an unusual quality that I love in a woman.

She managed to stomach him.

She fell in love with me like that.

She was tanked up on pills and booze.

Somebody just dumped her.

But our love, even like the most beautiful flower, wilted and fell.

She sobered up.

Reiger, it was painful.

When she came to, she thought I was gross and disgusting.

She said it out loud.

Nobody has ever said that out loud before.

Didn't you say that today? I say it every day.

ALEX: Who hasn't?

Poor Emily.

What do, what do you mean, poor Emily?

Well, it's so sad that she mixed drugs and alcohol and ended up spending the night with you when most people only die.

Why do I try?


Hey, Lou, what'd she call about?

Well, the same guy dumped her again, and now she's in a bar, crocked off her nut, and she wants to see me.

What are you going to do? You going to go?

It's the only score in my life I haven't settled.

For a year, I've wanted to do this.

When she called me gross and disgusting, I had a drink in my hand.

I always regretted that I didn't throw it in her face.

She's in a bar now.

I'm going to go down there and sluice down that little tart until there's eye makeup running out of her shoes.

(piano playing)

(light applause)

(piano begins playing another melody)

Hello there.



I-I'm supposed to meet, uh, a young woman here.

Uh, dark hair, uh, attractive?

Heavily sedated, possibly suicidal?

Oh, you mean Emily.

Yeah, yeah.

She's here. Uh...

She's probably in the ladies' room.


You want a drink?

Yeah, yeah, uh, uh, let me have something, uh, tall, cold, and sticky...

Something that would be impossible to wash out of your hair.


Man says there's a bug in his mai tai.

Oh, I'll take it, I'll take it.

No charge, right? Right.


Hello, Emily, you little pill popper.


Oh, Louie.

Oh, Louie, Louie, Louie.

Oh, thank God you came.

Oh, I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd just hung up on me when I called.

I would have deserved it.

Actually, anything that you would have done to me I would have deserved.

Hold that thought.

Oh, Louie.

Louie, I'm so sorry, Louie.

I had no one else to turn to and you came.

You are the most wonderful, the most remarkable man that, that I've ever known.

Oh... (sobbing)


Hey, Mac, you got a bar rag back there or something?


I'm sorry, Louie, I...

Here, here, blow, blow, blow.


Louie? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, Louie... What, what?

Louie, couldn't we, c-couldn't we go back to your place, Louie?


No chance, Sundance, uh-uh.

Well, why?

Because it's not you talking, it's your pharmacist.

You think that the pills that I take govern my actions?

Emily, your purse should have a childproof cap.


You know something, Louie?

Do you know you're delightful?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Oh, great, I'll add it to the list.

Gross, disgusting, delightful.

Right. Louie...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Louie, Louie, Louie.

Eh... Oh.


No, n-no, no, Emily, look.

No, look, I feel great that I'm turning you down.

I feel great that I'm walking out on you.

Too bad, baby.

I'm too smart to fall for your song and dance.

♪ It had to be you ♪

♪ It had to be you ♪

♪ I wandered around, finally found ♪

♪ The somebody who ♪

♪ Could make me be true ♪

♪ Could make me be blue ♪

♪ Could make me feel glad ♪

♪ Just to be sad ♪

♪ Thinking of you ♪

♪ Nobody else ♪

♪ Gave me a thrill... ♪

♪ With all your faults ♪

♪ I love you still ♪

♪ It had to be me ♪

♪ Wonderful you ♪

♪ It had to be... ♪

♪ Me. ♪

(light jazz melody playing on piano)

(melody swells)

(camera shutter clicks)


What are you doing here?

Come on, come on, what happened to, uh, "It had to be you, I gave you a thrill, and nobody's as good as me"?

No, Emily, you can't, you can't.

You can't do this.

You can't throw me out.

I really need to be alone right now.

No, no, Emily, Emily, don't do this to yourself.

You are crazy if you let me slip through your fingers.

You've had the handsome guys.

You've had, uh, the rich guys.

You've had the smooth guys.

You've had the, uh, sharp guys; the, uh, smart guys; the tough guys, the young guys.

Well, I'm none of those.

But I can make you happy.

Because... you know why?

Because it takes work.

Every morning, I'll wake up and I'll say, "How do I make Emily happy?"

And every night, I'll go to bed saying, "How do I make Emily happy?"

I'll-I'll go to work saying, "How do I make Emily happy?"

I'll eat lunch saying, (muffled): "How do I make Emily happy?"


Look who's on first base.

Hi, Elaine. Hi, Tony.

Hey, Jim, I just saw E.T.

It was fantastic. Fantastic!

I laughed, I cried.

I-I felt like a kid again.

You mean that?

You didn't just say that to keep the five bucks?

What does this tell you?



How did you see it on your shift?

Oh, I was having a terrible night.

I've been stiffed by every fare.

Then I took this guy to a theater...

Movie house, right?

Dropped him in front of the movie house.

The movie's about to start. I said, "Eh, what the hell? I'll go in."

Hey, if Louie finds out, Alex, he's going to can you.

(as E.T.): Ouch.

He knows lines!

(as E.T.): E.T. phone home.

Home phone.

Phone home, E.T.

(as E.T.): Elliott.

Elliott. Elliott.

Elliott. Elliott.

Elliott. Elliott.

Can we finish this conversation over at Mario's?

Hey, good idea. Oh, yeah, great.


(all conversing, laughing)

Oh, oh, wait, wait.

Wait, I... I need some advice, Reiger.

Oh, yeah, sure, Louie.

(as E.T.): Be good.

(laughing) No, no, no.

This is serious.

This is serious. JEFF: Hey, Louie.

Hey, Louie, it's Emily.

Oh, ooh! Oh, hold these, Reiger.

What are you doing? Hold those.

We'll get a table.

I-I-I'll see you.

Oh! Hi, Emily.

Hi... yeah, I did that.

Yeah, I did that, too. Yeah.

Look, honey, I can't get the blueberries.

I looked... I looked all over for the blueberries.

I-I-I went every... I went 20 different places, but...

No, no.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I'll try. I'll-I'll go...

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about the... blueberries.

(hangs up phone)

Help him, Alex.

I can't stand to see him like this.

Yeah, but blueberries.

I looked for blueberries all over.

I can't find blueberries.

It's snowing out there.

ALEX: Louie, Louie!

I need my blueberries!


Louie, Louie, get out of there.

I can't find the blueberries.

Stop that. Stop it!

Stop it, Louie!

I looked for blueberries.

Louie, listen. Hey!

Now, listen, before we deal with your problem, I want you to answer me one question.

What the hell you walking around dressed like that for in the snow?

She didn't like my overcoat.

Well, on behalf of New York City, let me say that I'm glad she liked your pants.


What a guy you are.

Trying to cheer me up, Reiger.


I'm going to talk to her about it tonight.

I'll tell her the pants joke.


Maybe she'll talk to me.

She doesn't talk to you?

She doesn't talk to me.

She doesn't go out with me... anywhere.

She'd never go to Mario's with me.

All she does is... is tell me to do things.

What do you call a man who spends two hours walking through the snow looking for blueberries?

A romantic fool.


A weenie.

I'm turning into the same kind of guy who always made me want to puke.

One of those weenies who would do anything that a broad asked him and then say, "Yes, dear."

One of those guys.

Reiger, don't let me become one of those.

Don't let me become a weenie. Louie, Louie, Louie.

I'm becoming a weenie! Louie!

I don't want to be a weenie.

How did you get into this mess?



Look at her, Reiger.

She's beautiful.

She's beautiful!

EMILY: Louie?

Oh... Hi, honey.

Hi, honey.

Oh... Hi.

Oh... Louie, I just came from my psychiatrist, and she says that you and I are about to have the most incredible breakthrough in our relationship.

Oh! Everything is going to be different.

I want to talk to you. Come sit with me.

Can I just wash the pits off my fingers?

No, this is too important.

Come on, sit down.

All right.

Let me get this straight now, Louie. Oh. What?

You know that I have always allowed men to make me the victim.

But you have cared for me so much that you have forced me to make you the victim, and even though I love you for it, it has to stop. You...

I mean, it has to... you said you love me!

You said you love me. You said you love me.

Emily, you not only said you love me, but you're talking to me, Emily!

Of course, I do love you.

Oh, that-that means we can go out.

We can go out... we can be seen in public.

We can go to Mario's.

We can go to the park.

We can go places, Emily. No! No, no, no, no.

Don't you see?

We're-we're trapped in these...

What? What? What? What? I don't know... in these roles. Roles? What? What?

And, you see, we have a close relationship, but it... but it's sick.

Oh, and I think I know how all of this started, and maybe it could have been avoid...

Do you know what you should have done?

What? When I got you in that bar and you... and I started to manipulate you all over again... Yeah, what, what, what, what, what?

Well, uh, something... I mean, anything... What, what, what?


Why didn't I think of that?

I'm only saying that you should have done something to knock some sense into me.

And that way, I would have known that you cared, but in a healthy way.

I do care.

It's too late for that.

Louie, there is only one way that I'm going to love you forever.

How? How?

Do-do-do... I don't think you could do it.

Do-do I have to squeeze more oranges?

No, you have to stop being a victim.

You have to walk out that door and never see me again.

W-well, could-couldn't I...

I stay here and not be a victim?

No, it-it...

I-I can't resist controlling you.

It's too easy.

How long am I supposed to stand here with all this stuff all over me?

Oh, I-I'll get you a towel.

I'll get you a towel!

Here. You see?


There's no other way, is there?


Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait.

Wait, let me... let me get this straight here.

You... will love me... if I never see you again.


But if I stay, you won't like me?

I'll despise you.

And if I walk out that door...

I'm yours forever.

You're a very complicated girl, Emily.

You want me, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I want you.

You will never have me totally until you walk out that door.

Interesting, interesting.

Okay. I-I... Go a... go ahead.

Oh, Louie.

I am loving you more with every step you take toward that door.


Oh, Louie.

Do we write letters?

I write to you, and you never answer me.

Well... (chuckles)

I guess it's all right.

I guess... I guess I just... had my first sophisticated relationship.


You know something, Emily?

Someday... your Mr. Right is going to come along.

And when he does, he's going to be wearing a white coat and carrying a butterfly net.


Oh, and-and another thing.

I knew where to get blueberries, but it was too far and I figured, "The hell with it!"

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)