Taxi S5E9 Script

Travels with My Dad (1982)

(theme song playing)


Iggy.

Iggy! Igg!

What?

Look, I've got to go to the storeroom to take inventory. Now...

I want you to do something for me while I'm gone.

You want me?

Boss! Oh!

Igg! Igg, Igg, Igg, Igg. Oh, boss.

Igg! Boss.

Iggy, Iggy, all right.

Igg, Igg, relax. Relax, relax.

Relax, Igg. Forgive me, boss.

It's just that you never asked me to do anything for you before.

All right, now, here it is.

All right... Now, Igg.

Uh-huh?

Jeff is off today.

Huh?

I am expecting a very important phone call.

Now, now listen close, because this is where you come in.

Uh-huh. All right.

If this phone rings... Yeah, boss?

Let someone else answer it.

Uh, who?

It doesn't matter, as long as it's not you.

You think you can handle that?

With my eyes closed.

I knew I could count on you, Iggy.

Thank you for trusting me.

All right. Okay, go on.

Hey, Jim. How are you?

You don't recognize me?

Of course!

You're the kid from Lassie!

Jim, I'm Angie.

Angie Banta, Tony's father?

I was here six months ago.

I took Tony and you and the fellas out to Mario's for beers.

(sputters)

(chuckles): Well... you probably wouldn't remember.

You were passed out on the floor.

Angie!

Angie Banta!

Tony's dad, the merchant seaman.

How're ya doin', you old dog?

(chuckles)

I'm great, Jim. I'm excited.

I got a big surprise for Tony.

When's he coming in?

I don't know.

Pretty soon, probably.

Well, what do you say you and I grab a cup of coffee and get caught up while I wait for him, huh?

Uh... could, could I take a rain check?

I'm, I'm working on a very important assignment for the boss.

Sure, Jim. Okay.

(phone ringing)

(ringing continues)

(ringing stops)

(splutters): Whew!

Whew. I did it.

I guess I've earned that coffee now.

Here, Jim.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, look who's here! Angie! My God!

ELAINE: Angie!

Hey, welcome home, sailor!

Thanks, Alex.

Angie! Oh! Elaine!

Angie. Huh?

Oh, heh-heh. Sorry.

I've been, uh, on a boat for three long, lonely months.

That's okay, I understand.

Oh, great. Uh, once.

Hey-hey, hey, uh, Angie, Angie, uh, Tony's going to be in any minute.

Uh, why don't you tell us about the last trip you took, huh?

Okay. Sure. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Only you, uh, you aren't going to believe what happened to me this time. Oh?

I feel safe in saying that it was the most harrowing experience I've had in 25 years at sea.

No kidding. They could make a movie out of this one.

A movie? Well, wh-what happened?

I'm working on a freighter.

It's loaded with bananas.

As you know, in a shipment like that, there's bound to be a few spiders.

And one of them must've gotten out of the hold and made a beeline for my bunk.

ALEX: Oh. ELAINE: Oh, no.

And I woke up with a furry, black spider the size of my fist sitting on my face.

Oh, no, what did you do?

What would you have done?

I'd have screamed.

Uh-uh.

It would've fallen in your mouth.

What would you have done, Alex?

I don't know.

Was it poisonous?

Good question.

Well, was it?

I had no idea. Oh.

So I assumed that it wasn't.

Well, wouldn't it have been better if you assumed that it was?

Yeah, but then I never would have had the nerve to do what I did.

What'd you do? What'd you do?

I just laid there, perfectly still.

Hour upon hour, I just laid there, sweating like a pig.

And then what happened?

I don't know. I fell asleep.

When I woke up, it was gone.

Well, I, I don't think that would make a movie.

You don't? Uh, no, no, uh... not a feature.

I mean, m-maybe something for television.

I bet you had trouble sleeping the rest of the trip, huh?

Why?

Well, because another spider might have crawled on your face.

Gee, oh, I'm glad I didn't think of that.

Well, well, well...

Look what the tide washed in.

Pea Brain Senior.

Louie!

Back off, Banta.

There's no tellin' what parasites you got crawling on you.

You haven't lost your great sense of humor.

(chuckles): Yeah, yeah.

So what brings you in here?

Did you fall overboard, or are you coming to get the barnacles scraped off your butt?

(chuckling)

You know, you're lucky to work with a man like this.

He must make your job fun.

We'd trade him for that spider in a minute.

Any day.

Hey, guys. Tony!

Hey, Dad! What do you say?

What are you doing here?

I just came in to have the barnacles scraped off my butt.

Oh, no, Dad, what happened?

I'm kiddin', son.

It's one of Louie's jokes.

Oh. It's not funny.

You had to be here.

You'd have roared.

Dad, am I glad you're here.

I mean, you picked the perfect time.

I got Knick tickets Friday night.

Saturday night, there's a party.

Sunday, we play a little baseball.

Hey, son, son, wait a minute.

I can't do all those things with you.

I'm only gonna be here a couple of days.

I'm only here long enough to be in port to take on cargo and fuel.

Oh, I thought, uh, maybe you could stick around a while this time, for once.

Hey, just 'cause I can't stick around, it doesn't mean that we aren't gonna be able to be together.

I've got a surprise for you.

Hey, Dad!

Wow!

What is it?

I don't know, but it's laminated.

It's a "Z" card.

It's a permit to work as a merchant seaman.

Well, you always said you wanted to be a merchant seaman like your old man... well, now you are.

'Cause, anyway, I haven't told you the best part.

I got us jobs on the same ship.

We sail Thursday on the Hillary B for the Far East.

Oh... Well, what's the matter?

Don't you want to go?

Well, sure.

I mean, who wouldn't?

It's just that this is, uh, sudden.

And I don't know nothin' about being a seaman.

And what's it going to be like livin' on a ship?

I think it was best described by a guy who said, "It's like being in prison with a chance of drowning."

I'm kiddin'. (chuckles)

Come on, why do you look so glum on the best day of your life?

I thought you were going to be excited.

I am. I'm excited. I, uh...

This is just so sudden and, uh, I mean, I'm dumbfounded.

Oh, wait a minute.

I've got to mark this on my calendar...

"The Day Banta was Dumbfounded."

Okay, let's go out and celebrate.

I want to call a restaurant and make reservations for all of us.

I've been lookin' forward to this for a long time.

Hey, hey, Dad, I...

I didn't know you wanted to be a merchant seaman.

Oh, yeah, I did.

Ever since I was five... till I was 11.

But, I mean, I'm an adult now.

I got a life here.

I got a job. I got friends.

I got an apartment.

I just learned how to use my Mr. Coffee.

Alex, what would you do if it were you?

Well, I don't know, Tony. I mean, that's a big decision.

I mean, you can't make a decision like that in an instant.

But I have to, Alex. I've got to tell him as soon as he gets off the phone, so tell me.

What should I do? Tony, you sound like you don't want to go.

Now, you're a big boy. You got your own life to lead.

He can't come in here and tell you to change your life, can he?

You can't be responsible for something you told him when you were five years old.

And there comes a point in your life when you got to stop living for your parents.

I say the only thing you can tell him is "no dice."

That's my father, Alex.

You don't say no to your father.

I'm surprised at you, Alex.

I don't care how much I don't want to go, I got to go.

And you know what else? I'm going.

Thanks for the advice.

Hey, you're welcome.

(moaning) Come on, Tony, don't be ashamed.

Let 'er rip.

(moaning continues)

Come on, don't worry about not having your sea legs; it takes time.

(moaning)

Oh, how long?

Oh, you can get used to it in a day.

(moans) Of course, on my first trip, I fed the fish from here to Fiji.

That's good to know.

(moaning) Hey...

It's good to have you aboard, Tony.

But, you know, when I gave you that card, it flashed through my mind that you might not want to go.

(moaning continues)

You would've said something if you had any misgivings about this trip, wouldn't you, son?

(whimpers)

I thought so.

Oh, Dad, Dad, would you do me a favor?

Sure, sailor, anything.

Would you kill me?

Come on, Tony, your problem is that you're fighting it, you're holdin' it back.

It's like a laugh.

You can't keep it inside. (moans)

You'll feel better if you let it out.

Then you can brush your teeth, take a mint and nobody'll know the difference.

Here, here.

I got some mints here.

(moaning)

(retching)

That's my boy.

Come on, Tony.

Dad, I'm tired.

Why'd you wake me up to bring me up here for?

It's a surprise.

Look out there. What do you see?

Water.

You see water now, but in a few moments we're going to be passing over the equator.

Wouldn't want to sleep through that, would you?

That's something you can remember the rest of your life.

It's just going to look like this.

True, but this isn't the equator.

It's also going to look a lot like the international date line you made me get up to see.

Very much.

Yeah.

I'm really glad that you're here with me, Tony, to share this.

Okay, now it's time.

This is the equator.

What the hell are you looking at?

What is that?

What... something floating down there.

What is that, a beer can? What is it?

It's probably the eye of one of those giant squid... ready to shoot a tentacle up here and sweep you off of the ship.

Come on, Dad.

I'm not a kid anymore.

You can't scare me with that stuff.

Some of those squid are 150 feet long.

I've heard tell of them dragging a man down screaming into the sea.

Hey, you remember that pal of mine, that sailor pal Bill?

Yeah.

Him and I were just like that.

You remember him? Yeah, yeah.

He's heard of them, too.

Have you ever seen one?

No, I haven't, but I like to believe they exist.

That's the way I'm starting to feel about women.

You know, I only been on this ship two weeks, but I cannot stop thinking about them.

Well, that'll change when you get to be my age.

Oh, what do you mean?

Uh... you don't think about women anymore, Dad?

No, of course, I think about women, but I also think about fresh produce.

Boy, what I wouldn't give for a nice, fresh, crispy head of lettuce right now.

Don't worry, son, we'll be in port pretty soon and there'll be plenty of women there.

If you're lucky, you can sleep with one of 'em.

Dad!

That is, if you fall in love with her first.

Well, how long are we going to be in port?

Six hours.

Hey, Dad, you know, you're talking to me like I'm one of the guys.

We're shipmates now, huh?

Yeah, I like that.

Yeah.

So can I ask you a question... One guy to another?

Sure.

Here, sit down, sit down.

All those times you were out here like months at a stretch, when Mom was alive, did you ever...?

Was I ever unfaithful?

No.

Of course, I can't deny I was tempted, but whenever I felt the, uh, urges and the stirrings, the longings, I just thought of my kids and, you know, how they'd hate me for the rest of my life if I ever did anything like that.

Ah, I wouldn't have hated you.

I might've even understood.

No kidding?

Hmm.

Hey, Dad, we should have had these talks a long time ago.

You're telling me.

You know what I feel like doing now, Dad?

What's that? Singing.

What? Singing.

You know, sailors at sea... They sing.

Hey, Tony, sit down.

Who told you that sailors sing?

I just assumed.

Well, what did you think we would sing?

Sea chanteys.

Well, okay.

I don't want to disappoint you.

You and I, we could sing a sea chantey.

All right, uh... Oh...

Hey, Fergie, you know any sea chanteys?

I don't even know what a sea chantey is.

It's a song about the sea. You know, like with, with rum and women and sailing.

"New York, New York"?

Perfect.

What do you mean, perfect?

I know that one.

Okay.

♪ Dum, dum, da-da dum ♪

♪ Da-dum, dum, da-da dum ♪

♪ Da-dum, dum, da-da, da, da, da... ♪

♪ Start spreading the news ♪

♪ We're leavin' today... ♪

(all mumbling)

I want to be a part of it?

Brand-new start?

♪ New York, New York ♪

♪ I want to... ♪

(all mumbling)

♪ Vagabond shoes... ♪ That's it!

♪ Those vagabond shoes ♪

♪ Are longing to stray... ♪

(all mumbling)

♪ New York, New York ♪

♪ I want to wake up ♪

♪ In the city that doesn't sleep ♪

(cheering)

You did great! ♪ To find I... ♪

♪ Da-da, da-da... ♪

♪ Something, something on a heap ♪

♪ New York, New York ♪ No, that comes later. What's the matter with you?

♪ Those vagabond shoes... ♪ No, no, we did vagabond shoes.

Oh! ♪ These little town blues ♪ Yeah, yeah, that's it.

♪ These little town blues ♪

♪ Are melting away ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da-da ♪

♪ Da-da, da ♪

♪ New York, New York ♪

♪ If I can make it there ♪

♪ I'll make it anywhere ♪

♪ It's up to you ♪

♪ New York, New York! ♪

You know, Dad, I really like Singapore.

It's the best bar we've been in so far.

What's so great about this bar?

There's nothing floating in my drink.

(both laughing)

You know, Tony, I'm really proud of you.

You turned out to be a hell of a sailor.

You know, Dad, I thought I could be an all right sailor.

Maybe even a pretty good sailor.

But I tell you, I never thought I could make "hell of a sailor."

Hey, Sparky, old buddy!

How's it going?

Can I buy you a drink?

I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody else.

Oh, well, let me buy you a drink anyway.

No, thank you.

Hey, it's been a great trip so far, huh, Tony?

Dad, I got to tell you...

It's the best month of my life.

Thanks for giving it to me.

Let's have just one little drink together.

I don't want to.

Hey, Dad, don't be hurt.

But you know, after this trip, I don't think I want to go back to sea.

I think I'm going to stay in New York.

Okay. You want another drink?

You don't care?

Hell, no.

I'm just glad that we had this time together.

You know, I still feel guilty about being such a bad father.

What's the matter?

I ain't good enough to drink with you?

Bad father? Are you crazy, Dad?

Well, I was never around when you were a kid.

Hey, this guy thinks I ain't good enough to drink with him.

I suppose nobody here's good enough to drink with him.

Hey, Dad, let me tell you something.

You've been a great father, and we've had great times sailing.

I just hope I can remember them all.

You'll remember this one.

(groans)

Hey-hey-hey!

(grunting and groaning)

Look out, son!

I still think I was a terrible father.

I think you're being a little hard on yourself, Dad, really.

(yelling)

(grunting and groaning)

I was never home on your birthday.

Yeah, but from wherever you were in the world, you called me.

(shrieking)

(yelling)

(screaming, glass breaking)

I missed your high school graduation.

I didn't graduate.

Oh, good.

(glass shatters)

Here, son!

You take this one!

(grunting and groaning)

I'll meet you in the middle, son.

Shouldn't we introduce these two gentlemen?

You know something? (man groaning)

This is better than Brooklyn.

(moaning)

Let's get...

Hey, Dad?

Ow!

So... I wasn't such a terrible father after all?

You were the best.

Watch your step, son.

I got it. (grunts)

You know how I know when I've had too much to drink? When's that?

I always wind up in a tattoo parlor.

So tonight, I want you to cut me off before I... uh-oh.

We're in a tattoo parlor.

(laughs)

Okay, I'll pick one out for you, and you pick one out for me.

Okay.

All right.

You get the octopus.

Oh, Tony... give it some thought.

I want something that will remind you of me and me of you and our-our trip together.

I got it.

Why don't you just have my name written across your chest?

"Tony."

Swell, then what do I do?

Go live in a cave?

I know.

You just pick out one that you like and I'll get the same thing.

Okay, the octopus. Oh, Tony!

Okay, I got it!

The Woody Woodpecker with the cigar.

Perfect.

(chuckles)

Hey, Dad?

Do you think we should sober up first?

If we sober up, we won't do it.

(grunts)

(theme song playing)


WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)