Team America: World Police (2004) Script

Oh, hello.


Jean Francois?


Jean Francois.


You in the robes. Put down the weapon of mass destruction and get on the ground. You're under arrest.

Put down your weapons now!

Why can't they ever do this the easy way?

World Police. Get down on the ground!

Hey, terrorist.

Terrorize this.

All right, let's make this interesting.


You lose.

He's getting away with the WMD! I got him.

Damn, I missed him.

Sarah, he's got the bomb. You got a fix?

I got him, Carson. He's heading for the Louvre.

Your plans are over.

All right, Sarah. Yeah, all right, team!

Nothing to it.

All right.

Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry. Everything is bon.

We stopped the terrorists.

I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here.

Oh, yeah? About what?

I was thinking that I want you to marry me.

Don't joke about that. Who's joking?

Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake.

He finally popped the question? Lisa, you're an amazing woman.

And a damn fine cop. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Oh, Carson. Carson...

Carson!

No!

Carson.

Feel so cold. You have to hang on, Carson.

Sorry, babe. Looks like this was a one-way ticket.

No.

Lisa, you have to live on.

Find someone else who will love you. Find someone else and be happy.

You deserve...

No!


♪ Everyone has AIDS. ♪

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS ♪

♪ Everyone has AIDS. ♪

And so this is the end of our story.

And everyone is dead from AIDS.

It took from me my best friend.

My only true pal.

My only bright star.

♪ He died of AIDS. ♪ Well, I'm gonna march on Washington.

Lead the fight And charge the brigades.

There's a hero inside of all of us I'll make them see Everyone has AIDS.

♪ My father. ♪ ♪ AIDS. ♪

♪ My sister. ♪ ♪ AIDS. ♪

♪ My uncle and my cousin And her best friend. ♪

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪

♪ The gays and the straights And the whites and the spades. ♪

♪ Everyone has AIDS My grandma and my dog Ole Blue. ♪

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS. ♪ ♪ The Pope has got it and so do you. ♪

♪ Come on, everybody We got quilting to do. ♪

♪ We're gonna break down These barricades. ♪

♪ Everyone has AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS. ♪

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS ♪

Great job, Gary. Thanks. You, too, Steve.

That was the greatest acting I've ever seen.

I just don't know how you do it, Gary.

How do you make yourself so somber and emotional to make everybody cry like that?

It's not that hard, really. I just think about the saddest moment in my life.

Man, wow! Gary is such a great guy.

Gary. Oh, no. Help me! Help me!

Get off of me! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

Hello, young man. Congratulations on a terrific performance.

Oh, thank you. I don't believe we've met, Mr...?

The name is Spottswoode.

Well, nice to meet you. And you are Gary Johnston.

All-American actor who graduated Iowa University summa cum laude with a double major in theater and world languages.

You've been at the top of every acting class since you were a child.

Top-gun actor.

Hey, hold on a second, are you from Hollywood?

I have an incredible offer for you, Gary. If you're interested, follow me this way.

Please, Gary, step into my car.

Oh, I get it.

I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me.

Then if I go down on you, I get a movie part.

No, I just want to show you something.

Yeah, I'll bet you do.

Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood.

I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable.

Jesus, this is a nice limo. Yes, it is.

Now, suck my cock.

Just kidding.

All right, just what the hell is this about?

I hate to break this to you, Gary, but some people out there want you dead.

Dead? They're called terrorists, Gary.

And they hate everything about you.

Why? What did I do to them? I'm just a Broadway actor.

It's not who you are, Gary, it's what you stand for.

And every single minute of every single day, the terrorists are planning new ways to kill you and everyone else who lives in a free country.

The only thing standing in their way is us.

You?

Baxter, I think we can valmorphanize safely now.


Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.

Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?

No. So then you haven't seen everything.

And neither have we.

Last week in Paris, we caught four terrorists with a weapon of mass destruction.

The terrorists are planning something very big.

And just what does this have to do with me?

Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist who wants to help them carry out the attack.

An actor convincing enough to make the terrorists think he's one of them.

This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.

That's all spying is, acting. And they say you're the best.

An actor with a double major in theater and world languages?

Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary.

Look out!


Right this way, you maverick renegade.

Welcome to Team Base.

Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback from the University of Nebraska.

He's a natural-born leader.

I've heard a lot about your acting, Mr. Johnston.

Hope it's as good as they say it is.

And this is Sarah, the top empath from Berkeley's School for the Clairvoyant in San Francisco.

I sense that you're slightly confused right now.

That's supposed to be Carson's replacement, a fucking actor?

Don't mind Chris. He may be lacking courtesy, but he's the best martial-arts expert Detroit has to offer.

That's right, actor. Just stay the fuck away from me.

And finally, we have our psychology expert. Where's Lisa?

Right here.

Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think.

Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood.

We've been doing our best to keep the world safe, Gary.

But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs.

And intelligence tells us they plan to use them.

Isn't that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

That is affirmative. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

The most sophisticated computer in the world.

I've intercepted communications that several terrorist groups are being organized for one massive worldwide attack.

From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.

9/11 times 100? Jesus, that's...

Yes, 91,100.

Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible.

So now you see why we need you.

We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East.

If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us all the information we need to stop this whole thing from happening.

Of course, if you're not interested, there's the door.

All right. Thanks.

Gary. Hey, hold on a second.

Don't you understand? Every country in the world is in danger.

How is it my responsibility to do something?

Because like it or not, you're the one with the power to do something.

I can't fight terrorists. I don't know anything about guns or jets.

That doesn't matter. If you want to help people, all that matters, Gary, is what you have here.

Just think about it, okay? Here, take this.

Baxter will take you wherever you wanna go. Just remember, your freedom's at stake, too.

What do you think Spottswoode sees in him?

I don't know. But I think I see it, too.

Hey, Baxter.

I wanna take a detour.

♪ What would you do. ♪

♪ If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom? ♪

♪ What would you do. ♪

♪ If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice? ♪

♪ Would you think about all them people. ♪

♪ Who gave up everything they had? ♪

♪ Would you think about all them war vets. ♪

♪ And would you start to feel bad? ♪

♪ Freedom isn't free. ♪

♪ It costs folks like you and me. ♪

♪ And if we don't all chip in. ♪

♪ We'll never pay that bill. ♪

♪ Freedom isn't free. ♪

♪ No, there's a hefty fucking fee. ♪

♪ And if you don't throw in your buck-o-five, who will? ♪

♪ Buck-o-five. ♪

♪ Freedom costs a buck-o-five. ♪


Our dear leader, Kim Jong Il, says the weapons of mass destruction you requested are ready for you to take.

I am still in the process of recruiting and training new terrorists for the attack.

We take weapons later.

He asks what part of the deal you did not understand.

He says perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you.

He says he should fire his translator?

Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?

I cannot berieve that I actually have a Chechnyan standing here terring me when he's gonna take a derivery.

Herro?

Perhaps we can be ready sooner.

Yes, perhaps you can.

Now, take your weapons of mass destruction and get the fuck out of here.

I had to come back.

I know you did, son. I still say this is a fucking mistake.

Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're making him feel intimidated.

Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us the attack is imminent.

We need you to act like a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.

There's just one problem. I don't look Middle Eastern.

Leave that to us.

Sarah's a professional at skin grafting and laser valmoriphication.

Just try to be still.


Amazing.

The valmoriphication completely worked.

Sit up and take a look, Gary.

It's fuckin' uncanny.

You're going to fool everyone, Gary.

Or should I say, Hakmed.

All right, team, we've only got one shot at this, so listen up.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has intercepted communications that terrorists from different countries are gathering at a tavern here, in Cairo.

Cairo. That's in Egypt.

Exactly right, Joe.

Now, team, your mission will be to get Gary into that tavern.

And once he's on the inside, cover his back.

Gary, you must use your acting to find out any information you can from the terrorists.

Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown and the terrorists take you prisoner, well, you'll probably want to take your own life.

Here, you'd better have this.

All right, team, that's it. We've got a job to do.

Let's go police the world.

♪ America. ♪

♪ America. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Freedom is the only way, yeah. ♪

♪ Terrorists, your game is through. ♪

♪ 'Cause now you have to answer to. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ So lick my butt And suck on my balls. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

What if the old man is wrong about him?

What if he's not the great actor Spottswoode says he is?

Why don't you trust actors, Chris?

I got my reasons.

You all right, Gary?

I was just thinking.

Onstage, if I mess up a line, it could mean a bad review.

If I mess up here, we're all dead.

I believe you can do this, Gary.

Why? What reason do you have to believe?

Sometimes believing is all we have.


Fear not, Muslim friends. We're here to find terrorists.

I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.

All right, good job, Sarah. Now, everyone make for the tavern.

Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you.

And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?

What's your problem with me? Yeah, you wanna go?

Guys, guys, guys!

Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do?

The war is out there, man. Out there. Now, pull it together.

All right, team, let's move to the inner city. Keep it quiet.

Clear. - Clear. Clear. - Clear.

All right, Gary, you follow me. The rest of the team, take super-secret hiding positions Alpha One.

All right, that's the tavern with the blue door.

Act your way past those guards and see what you can find out.

Remember, if you think they're onto you, give us the signal.

You remember the signal?

That's right. All right, good luck.

Go get them, cowboy.


Oh, shit.

Come on, Gary, act. You have the power.

All right, Gary! Told you he was top-gun.

I've never seen acting that good. He's amazing.

Yeah, no, I know. It's terrible, terrible.

We are Bashir rebels from the country of Somalia. Who are you?

My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.

Anybody know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon?

I sense that I'm becoming attracted to Gary.

My advice is not to get involved with a team member, Sarah.

It's too painful to see them die.

I'm sorry, Lisa. I didn't mean to bring up...

It's okay, Sarah. I treasure your friendship.

I treasure yours, Lisa.

Hey, have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel?

What would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me?

I don't know nothing about fancy cars and fancy restaurants.

Still, I'd love to show her a full-moon night on the cornfields.

What do you know?

I heard there might be a large terrorist attack.

If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out.

Get out of here. We have put out a jihad on the infidels because they destroyed our lives.

What do you know about pain and sadness?

Gary. Help me! Help me!

Get him off! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village in their BLACK HAWK helicopters.

The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.

Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched.

I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery, black liquid death.

In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help.

As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone.

It was on that day I put a jihad on them.

And if you don't believe it, then you better kill me now, because I'll put a jihad on you, too.

I like you. You have balls.

I like balls.

All right, listen carefully. The WMDs are located in a secret bunker 20 yards east of this building.

You can help us by guarding it and making...

Come. They're onto us!

Hurry, friend. We must make our escape.

Shit. I've got five terrorists going southeast on Baka laka daka Street.

Don't let them get away.

I sense Gary's trapped inside the tavern.

Copy, Sarah. You get Gary, we'll go after the terrorists.

♪ America. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Freedom is the only way, yeah. ♪

♪ It's the dream that we all share. ♪

♪ It's the hope for tomorrow. ♪ Go faster, you idiot.

Die! Infidels!

They're not stopping. They had their chance.

Missed. Wide right.

One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.

It's me. It's me.

Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me. Kiss me."

Smartass motherfucker.

Gary? An infidel.

Kill her.

Gary?

Sarah to Team America 4. What you got, Sarah?

Gary isn't in the tavern. I think he may be with...

Say again, Sarah. You're breaking up. Joe, do you copy?

I'll get him. Lisa?

I lost her.

It's all right. We'll kill these guys, then we'll find out what she wants.

Right.

Hey, guys, I think we should pull over.

Pull over? Yes, of course.

Pull over, let them pass us, and when they turn around, we charge them.

I love your balls.

Shit, they got by me.

What are we doing? This jeep is filled with explosives.

We're going to take their lives and our own.

We're gonna what?

Hang on, Joe. Die, infidels.

Surprise, cock-fags!

All right. We fucking did it.

Spottswoode, it's Lisa. Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down.

Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.

This is breaking news with Peter Jennings.

Team America has once again pissed off the entire world after blowing up half of Cairo.

And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out.

Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors Guild.

The Film Actors Guild believes that what the world needs is compassion, not violence.

All that Team America does is create new enemies.

Let me explain to you how this works.

You see, the corporations finance Team America.

And then Team America goes out, and the corporations sit there in their...

In their corporation buildings, and, see, they're all corporation-y, and they make money.

Last year I went to Iraq.

Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place.

They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

The actors are calling for an emergency meeting.

Already expected to attend are Helen Hunt, George Clooney, Liv Tyler, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Janeane Garofalo and Matt Damon.

Matt Damon.

In the meantime, the world wants to deal with dangerous individuals their own way.

Hans Brix? Oh, no.

Oh, herro, great to see you again, Hans.

Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today, and your guards won't let me into certain areas.

Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been through this a dozen times.

I don't have any weapons of mass destruction, okay, Hans?

Then let me look around so I can ease the UN's collective mind.

Hans, you're breaking my barrs here. Hans, you're breaking my barrs.

I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you.

Let me see your whole palace, or else.

Or else what?

Or else we will be very, very angry with you.

And we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are.

Okay, I'll show you, Hans. You ready?

Stand a rittle to your reft.

A rittle more.

Good.

There you go, Hans Brix.

How you rike that, you fucking cocksucker?

Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?

Well, fuck you. You want inspection?

Well, inspect that, you butt-fucking piece of shit.

What, you think I'm just a petty arms dearer?

I'm pranning the attack.

Congraturations, Team America, you have stopped nothing.

Congratulations, Gary. You've done an amazing thing.

It will be years before the terrorists have the resources to attack again.

We're gonna be unstoppable with you on the team, Gary.

Terrorists, your game is through.

You're the best, Gary.

So this terrorist is shooting at us from the back of his jeep, and he...

You might have all the others fooled, but not me.

Your acting was reckless and it put us all in danger.

The next time you pull a stunt like that, I'll drill two holes through your dick so that when you pee, it shoots out in all different directions. You got it?

Hey, Sarah, do you mind if I dance with you?

No, of course not, Joe.

Joe, do you think it's okay for team members to date?

Sarah, really?

Yeah. Do you think it's all right?

I think it's better than all right. It's great!

Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.

Gary? You okay?

I was just wondering if I can let go of an old, painful memory.

Is it anything that you wanna talk about?

When I was a kid, I always looked up to my older brother, Tommy.

He was the jock, and I was the little performer.

We were all out at the zoo one day.

I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.

I fell in.

Everyone screamed, and Tommy jumped in after me, forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket.

The gorillas just went wild.

They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll to get to those blueberries.

One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla, who tossed him to another.

Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help, but it was too late.

The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all.

My acting got my brother killed.

I've had to live with that every single day.

Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.

I think I can finally let it go.

Because my acting saved the entire world.

And something even better happened.

What?

I met somebody who took my breath away.

Gary, no.

I'm sorry.

It's just... Things are really complicated, Gary.

I know about Carson.

I know how it feels.

God, I'm so confused.

It's too soon to be having feelings for you.

Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.

But I have to control them because I can't go through losing somebody again. It's too painful.

So... So, what, you're just gonna shut down?

I really like you.

There's no chance we can ever be together?

Only if you could promise me you'll never die.

You know I can't promise that.

If you did that, I would make love to you right now.

I promise. I will never die.

♪ I need this, I need love I need you ♪

♪ I don't need one heartbeat I need two. ♪

♪ There's an emptiness I need to fill. ♪

♪ And only one emptiness will do. ♪

♪ Only a woman Can brighten up my day. ♪

♪ Only a woman Can touch me the right way, yeah. ♪

♪ Only a woman Is allowed to touch me there. ♪

♪ All I ask Is that you're a woman ♪ Lisa, you're the most amazing person I've ever met.

It's only been a short time, but I think that I'm completely in love...

Let's not talk.

I can't help it. This just feels so right, and I don't want anything to mess it up.

There's not a thing in the world that can mess this up.


Team, I'm afraid I have bad news.

At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack.

What? But how can that be?

Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.

It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge.

That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. I'm sorry.

We have to find out who did this and take them down. Fast.

Sir, I am intercepting communications about the terrorists' identities.

On screen.

This is breaking news with Peter Jennings.

An attack in Panama today has left thousands dead.

Taking credit were terrorists from Derka Derkastan.

Of course, Derka Derkastan.

The terrorists claim that the attack was a retaliation for Team America's actions in Cairo.

Alec Baldwin is rallying all the members of the Film Actors Guild.

Alec Baldwin? Gary?

He's... He's my hero.

The single greatest actor of all time.

Who is to blame for these attacks in Panama?

The terrorists?

The person who supplied them with WMDs?

No. Blame Team America.

Their reckless disregard in Cairo brought on this violence today.

Team America, the blood of the victims of Panama is on your hands.

Moved by Baldwin's impassioned speech, hundreds of people turned out at Mount Rushmore today to protest.

Hey, that's here.

Tom, it looks like filmmaker Michael Moore is also jumping on the "Fuck Team America" bandwagon.

Protesting is not enough.

We must take radical action against the fascists in our own country.

Bring it down! Bring it all down!

Team, if the Derka Derkastanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be 9/11 times 1,000.

Jesus, you mean... Yes.

Nine hundred and eleven thousand.

Then forget all these assholes. We got work to do.

Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized so he can use his acting.

My acting?

My acting? My acting just got a thousand people killed.

Jesus, I've done it again.

Pull yourself together, Gary. We need you now more than ever.

I'm through with this. Gary, you can't go.

Without you, the team is doomed.

Remember, there is no "I" in Team America.

Yes, there is.

I know it's hard, Gary.

But you're still the only hope to stop these newer terrorists.

Why me? Why am I the only one?

Because you're the one with the power to...

Well, I don't want the fucking power!

I don't want the guilt, I don't want the shame and I don't want the responsibility.

Then what about all the things you promised last night?

You said you'd never leave.

I said I'd never die. But now I'm dead inside.

You slept with Gary?

Sarah. But you knew I liked Gary.

I told you.

You like Gary?

Oh, I see.

I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah. Save it, Lisa.

You see? All I do is hurt people.

Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.

I'm sorry I'm not the man you think I am.

I'm just bad news.

I'll never act again.

Fuck him. We don't need an actor.

We can take out the Derka Derkastanis the old-fashioned way.

No. It would be a suicide mission.

That's all right. I feel a little bit like dying.

God damn it, Gary.

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Freedom is the only way Yeah. ♪

♪ Terrorists, your game is through. ♪

♪ 'Cause now you have to answer to. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪

♪ America... Fuck ♪ Gary! Help me! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

All right, team. We're nearing Derka Derkastan.

Let's get ready.

Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft.

There's only five of them, team. This should be easy.

I've got Korean aircraft at one o'clock.

What are they doing here?

Shoot them down. Rike dogs.

Kim Jong Il? Why is he helping terrorists?

I've got one on my tail!

I got you, Sarah.

Bring in the submarines.

What the hell? Something's shooting at us from the water.

It must be a Korean sub. Chris, you've gotta take them out.

I'm already on it.

These guys really snuck up on us.

Yeah, there's a lot of that going around lately.

Sarah, you know I didn't mean to hurt you.

No, you just didn't care if you did.

Now, come on, Sarah, that isn't fair.

Lisa can't help it if Gary has feelings for her.

Just like nobody can help it if you have feelings for Gary.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, Sarah. You mean you never realized Joe has feelings for you?

Joe? But you're like a brother to me.

That's all I ever am. Like a brother. It isn't fair.

Hang on, team. Someone has broken into the hangar.

Baxter? Hey, Team America.

I got something for you.

What the hell? Prepare to die.

Jesus titty-fucking...

Christ!

Spottswoode!

Oh, my God!

No. He can't be dead.

We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

Their computers are down. Attack!

Sarah! I sense I'm going down.

Sarah! God, Chris, you gotta help her.

I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah.

Oh, fuck, I've been hit.

Chris, come in!

Oh, Jesus, I'm hit! Lisa!

Going down. God damn it, I'm gonna have to breach.

I'm gonna hit the water.

Missile lock. I've got missile lock.

I've gotta bail out.

Salvage their ships. If you find anyone arive, you know what to do with them.

Terrorists on screen.

Okay, who brew up Panama Canal?

We were angry about Cairo.

God damn it, how many times do I have to tell you?

You don't use the WMDs until you see the signal.

I have worked ten years on this pran.

It is a very precise and a compricated pran.

I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up.

Now, take the weapons where I told you and wait for the goddamn signal this time. Goodbye.

Why is everyone so fucking stupid?

Why aren't more people interrigent? Rike me?

♪ I'm so ronery. ♪

♪ So ronery. ♪

♪ So ronery and sadry arone. ♪

♪ There's no one Just me onry. ♪

♪ Sitting on my rittle throne ♪

♪ I work rearry hard And make up great prans. ♪

♪ But nobody ristens No one understands. ♪

♪ Seems rike no one Takes me seriousry. ♪

♪ And so ♪

♪ I'm ronery. ♪

♪ A rittle ronery. ♪

♪ Poor rittle me. ♪

♪ There's nobody I can rerate to. ♪

♪ Feel rike a bird in a cage. ♪

♪ It's kind of sirry But not rearry. ♪

♪ Because it's firring my body With rage ♪

♪ I'm the smartest, most crever Most physicarry fit. ♪

♪ But nobody else seems to rearise it. ♪

♪ When I change the world Maybe they'll notice me. ♪

♪ And until then♪

♪ I'll just be ronery. ♪

♪ Yeah, a rittle ronery. ♪

♪ Poor rittle me ♪

♪ I'm so ronery. ♪

♪ What would you do. ♪

♪ If you were asked to give up Your dreams for freedom? ♪

♪ What would you do if asked To make the ultimate sacrifice? ♪ Hey, weren't you the actor in that Broadway show?

Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene where everyone gets AIDS.

I don't act any more. I gave that up.

Oh, come on, man, just a scene. I said, get away from me!

I'm completely lost. I've hit rock bottom.

Easy, easy. You gotta calm down there, Chuck.

I hurt people. I'm a dick.

Well, being a dick ain't so bad.

See, there are three kinds of people, dicks, pussies and assholes.

Pussies think everyone can get along and dicks just wanna fuck all the time without thinking it through.

But then you got your assholes, Chuck.

And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything.

So pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while because pussies get fucked by dicks.

But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck.

And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get?

You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit.

All right, that does it. Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.

Get out of here, I said.

Lisa!

Lisa. Lisa, are you here?

Get out of the street, you fucking bum!

You gave up on life, didn't you?


My fellow actors, we live in a dark time.

The world is becoming more and more violent and the idiots in charge are making it worse.

What the world needs is an international advisory committee who truly understands global politics.

Namely, us.

The time has come for us to start using our acting talents in a different way.

Yes, we can use our powers to change the world.

We will persuade everyone to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.

If we focus our acting on global politics, we can change everything and stuff.

As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.

Matt Damon.

We've all done action films.

If anyone tries to get in our way, we'll show them just how tough us actors really are.

I'm glad you all agree.

Because I've just been contacted by a very important political leader who is bringing all the world leaders together for a massive international peace conference.

And he wants us to be the keynote speakers.

Matt Damon!

Say hello to our new partner.

Herro.

Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red, white and brue friend.

So you're the bastard planning 9/11 times 1,000.

No. You think so small.

You see, I'm about to have an eraborate peace ceremony.

And while all the world's most important people are distracted here, I will detonate the WMDs which I have given to terrorists aur around the grobe.

It will be 9/11 times 2,356.

My God, that's... I don't even know what that is.

Nobody does.

You heartless bastard. Why would you do such a thing?

Because then there will be barance.

Every country will be a Third World country.

Just imagine it.

All around the world, there will be massive exprosions.

With nobody to guide them, the people will break out into panic and rioting all over the Earth.

The true nature of humanity is unreashed.

Dog eats dog, as everyone attacks everyone and fends only for themselves.

Grobal stabirity unravels.

By the time my show is over, it will be far too rate.

Your plan will fail.

You'll never keep the world leaders distracted here for nine hours.

Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin.

Dear God.

You are the rast of a dying breed, the frag-waving American.

Well, your rittle dream will soon be over.

I must get back to pranning the ceremony now.

The film actors are on their way.

Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.

Having so little faith in humanity must make you a very lonely man.

You shall have a front-row seat.

Bring her upstairs.

Leave her alone, you son of a bitch!

Lisa, I treasure your friendship!

Somebody has to stop this!

♪ I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark. ♪

♪ When he made Pearl Harbor ♪

♪ I miss you more than that movie missed the point. ♪

♪ And that's an awful lot, girl And now. ♪

♪ Now you've gone away. ♪

♪ And all I'm trying to say. ♪

♪ Is Pearl Harbor sucked. ♪

♪ And I miss you ♪

♪ I need you like Ben Affleck Needs acting school. ♪

♪ He was terrible in that film ♪

♪ I need you like Cuba Gooding Needed a bigger part. ♪

♪ He's way better than Ben Affleck And now. ♪

♪ All I can think about is your smile. ♪

♪ And that shitty movie, too. ♪

♪ Pearl Harbor sucked. ♪

♪ And I miss you. ♪

♪ Pearl Harbor sucked. ♪

♪ Just a little bit more Than I miss you. ♪

Oh, my God. What the hell happened?


Hello? Anybody?

Greetings, Mr. Johnston.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., what the hell happened?

Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel.

But where's the team?

They have been taken prisoner by Kim Jong Il in North Korea.

I have intercepted communications that he is planning the massive attack during a peace ceremony.

Don't move, protester, or I'll blow your commie brains out.

Spottswoode. Johnston?

What the hell are you doing here?

Get away from I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

I'm using it to blow up North Korea.

No! The team is in North Korea.

I know. And so are the triggers to WMDs poised all around the globe.

My only option now is to blow up Kim Jong Il and everything around him before he can set them off.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate detonation sequence on the ships.

You'll kill them all.

It's what they would want me to do, Gary.

They would happily give their lives for the good of the world, something you don't understand! There has to be another way.

There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong Il.

Let me go.

You? You're a butt-fucking quitter.

You walked out, Gary. The team went on a mission without you.

And without an actor, they were like pigs to the slaughter.

I'm supposed to leave the fate of the world in your hands?

I know I walked out, but I'd do anything to take it back.

Please, just let me help. You've done enough.

Please, Spottswoode, you have to believe in me.

I want to believe in you, Gary, I really do.

But you've let me down before.

Please, how can I make you trust me?

I remember the first time we met.

You were a simple Broadway actor afraid to get in my limo because you thought I wanted you to perform oral sex on me.

Do you remember that?

Yeah.

And now the tables are turned, and I don't know if I can trust you.

Just give me a chance.

All right, I'll trust you.

But only if you will perform oral sex on me.

What? Right here, right now.

You can't be serious. Oh, I am serious.

Look, this is my serious face.

What will that prove? It will prove that you are truly ready to lay everything on the line.

To throw away all your inhibitions and give 100%.

We must go back to that first night we met, that first issue of trust.

Don't you see? No. I thought you weren't gay.

This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust.

It's the eye of the needle, Gary, and we must both pass through it.

Okay, let's do it.

I'll make sure nobody's watching.

Yeah, it looks clear.

Okay, go.

There must be another way.

I guess you won't do everything to take it all back, will you, Gary?

No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on.

You're saying if I do that, you'll let me help the team?

I'll give you all the time I can.

Okay, let's do it.

Here we go.

And go.


You are dedicated.

Now, let's go get cleaned up.

If you're going to storm Kim Jong Il's palace single-handed, we have to make you a complete soldier in very little time.

How we gonna do that?

I think I know just what we need.

♪ The hour's approaching To give it your best. ♪

♪ And you've got to reach your prime. ♪

♪ That's when you need to put yourself to the test. ♪

♪ And show us a passage of time. ♪

♪ We're gonna need a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ It takes a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ Show a lot of things Happening at once. ♪

♪ Remind everyone Of what's going on. ♪

♪ And with every shot Show a little improvement. ♪

♪ To show it all would take too long. ♪

♪ That's called a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ Girl, we want a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ In anything, if you want to go. ♪

♪ From just a beginner to a pro. ♪

♪ You need a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ Even Rocky had a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ Always fade out in a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ If you fade out It seems like more time has passed. ♪

♪ In a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

Radies and gentlemen.

The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong Il are preased to welcome you to the International World Peace Ceremony.

The most important people from every country are gathered here in soridarity to cerebrate peace.

There will be music, dancing and, of course, the biggest stars in Horrywood.

In the box to your reft is the mastermind of this spectacurar show, the multitarented Kim Jong Il.

Oh, herro.

And now we present to you the very best in North Korean music.

Ten years of pranning, and finarry the night is here.

The terrorists know to be in position by the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.

That's when I trigger all the WMDs to go off at the same time.

When you see Arec Barrwin, you will see the true ugriness of human nature.

Your plan will never work. Something will stop it.

You stupid, naive Team Americans.

You berieve in true rove and happy endings even while the world around you spirals downward.

Sometimes believing is all we have.

And as the leaders of your countries, you have the power to bring the world together under the principles of the Film Actors Guild.

You're gonna knock them dead, Alec.

Ten minutes, Mr. Baldwin.

Who the hell you?

I'm with the Film Actors Guild. I'm here to help with the broadcast.

Then you show credentials.

Hey, you don't need to see my credentials.

I left them at home and I'm running late.

I berieve him. Yeah, me, too.

Okay, have a nice day.

My God, his acting is better than ever.

Don't worry, fellas, I've got my pass right here.

Please, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins, you don't understand what Kim Jong Il is doing.

Shut up. We have explicit instructions to watch you.

Yeah. We're supposed to be guards. We're guards.

We're guards? We're guards. We're guards.

Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins. Someone has broken into the main hall.

What? Come on, Martin!

Gary? What the fuck are you doing here?

Guys, are you all right? Where's Lisa?

What the heck do you care? You walked out on her.

Look, I wanna make things right.

Here, Spottswoode's monitoring from the base.

Spottswoode is dead, Gary. Not as dead as you think.

Spottswoode! Yes, I'm here, Joe.

All right, you're alive! Great to hear your voices again.

Now we've got to get Lisa and stop Kim Jong Il.

I'm not going anywhere with this fucking traitor.

What makes you think we'll take you back, douchebag?

We're doing this without you! Now, hold on, team.

Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team.

He proved it last night by sucking my cock.

All right. Come on, team, we gotta find that stage.

Rook how much they rove my show. The entire audience is so captivated.

And now you see, the new world is inevitabre.

It's what? Inevitabre.

One more time. Inevitabre!

Things are inevitabry going to change.

God damn it, open your fucking ears.

Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin. Thank you.

Alec, we have a problem. Team America escaped.

What? You fools. They'll ruin everything.

We better warn everyone. They'll be headed here.

No. We can't look weak and powerless.

If violence is all those bastards understand, then violence they'll get.

Every actor, grab a gun and keep Team America from reaching this ceremony at all costs.

I swear they won't reach this stage.

Jesus! What have we got?

Looks like George Clooney and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.

Look out, it's Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo.

Drop your weapons.

Fucking die!

We gotta split up.

Sarah, you and Gary go that way. Chris and I will go right.

No, I think I'd rather team up with you, Joe.

I guess you're with me, cock-fag.

Danny Glover! Come on, Penn.

We must protect the show. Right.

The stage must be that way. No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!

Very impressive, warmongers.

Now let's see how Kim Jong Il's panthers treat you.

I went to Iraq, you know!

Susan Sarandon. Oh, thank God.

We have to stop the ceremony. Kim Jong Il is mad.

Here, let me loose. I'll show you where the theater is.

All right. No, Chris, stay away from her.

Fuck you. She wants to help us. No, Chris, she's acting.

I am not. The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along with their plans.

Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.

You shall die a peasant's death!

Jesus titty-fucking Christ.

I could've sworn she was telling the truth.

That's why they call it acting. Come on, we gotta find Lisa.

I was 19 years old when the musical Cats came to our town.

I couldn't wait to see it.

After the show, I was asked if I wanted to go meet some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled.

But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control.

Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg.

I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer held me down and...

I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.

That's why you don't trust actors.

I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.

If there's still a world left when this is all over, I'd like to buy you a beer.

Come on, let's go. We're running out of time.

Sarah, before we die, I want to finally tell you that I love you.

No. No, I'm not gonna let it end like this.

We are not your enemy, furry ones. You will not attack us.

Sarah, that isn't going to work. You don't really have mental powers.

Your captors are behind you, Shebas. Show your anger to them.


Sarah, you did it!

Wait. Hold on.

Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theater.

Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our...

Gary!

Actors, ho! Helen Hunt.

Samuel Jackson.

Matt Damon.

Motherfucker.

Gary, Chris, come in.

And now, radies and gentlemen, Mr. Arec Barrwin.

We are here to usher in a new era without violence.

By following the rules of the Film Actors Guild, the world can become a better place that handles dangerous people with talk and reasoning.

That is the F.A.G. way.

One day you'll all look at the world us actors created and say, Wow! "Good going, F.A.G."

"You really made the world a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?"

Yes, Arec Barrwin. Too bad there won't be a world reft.

Oh, God, no.

You see? No Prince Charming rode in on a white stallion to save the day.

This is the real world.

I'm afraid your world is over.

In five minutes.

Yes, the ticking crock.

Sorry, Team America, but you see, we must live in a time of peace.

Put down the gas can now.

Kill them.

Jackson!

Team, you've got to hurry.

Let's go, bitch. I've done action films.

Come on.


Matt Damon!

Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me.

Don't fucking move!

Now, isn't that a shame.

You came so close to stopping peace.

But you see, peace always finds a way.

Goodbye, Team America.

I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins.

What's that? I'm a smoker.

Now that the world is going to be run peacefully, we should all drive hybrid cars.

Right now famiries are gathering in parks, children are walking to school, friends are sitting in movie theatres.

All compretery unaware that the world is about to change forever.

All because of me.

Stop that man.

Gary!

Team America? God damn it.

Sorry to interrupt the show, everyone, but Kim Jong Il is an international criminal. We're here to arrest him.

Oh, no, you're not.

This is a peace conference.

And if you even try to touch Kim Jong Il, this audience and I will rise up against you.

Fuck off, Team America!

Team, there's no time. You have to convince that audience to let you do your job.

Gary, you've got to take the stage. No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.

He's the best actor in the world. You have to try.

I'm not that good. Actually...

You're the finest actor I've ever met.

Come on, Gary, hurry. You've got to act fast.

I know you all don't like Team America a whole lot right now, but Kim Jong Il is a lot worse.

You can't out-act me, boy. Don't even try.

For the truth is that Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations.

They are just as bad as the enemies they fight.

Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!

We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks.

And the Film Actors Guild are pussies.

And Kim Jong Il is an asshole.

Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks.

But dicks also fuck assholes, assholes who just wanna shit on everything.

Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way.

But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick with some balls.

The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much.

Or fuck when it isn't appropriate. Yes, Gary, yes.

And it takes a pussy to show them that.

But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves.

Because pussies are only an inch and a half away from assholes.

I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are gonna have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.

Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong Il.

Do something, Arec Barrwin!

The... The Global warming and... Corporate America...

You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.

Don't fucking move! You were all going to be treated to a faburous show. But now party's over.

For I am the great Kim Jong Il. Lisa.

And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have rived.

Terrorize this.

Lisa, are you okay? No, Gary, the countdown.

You have to stop it.

What do I do? Hit the big "cancel" button!

Gary, how did you manage this? Spottswoode helped me.

Spottswoode? He's alive?

Lisa, I'm crazy about you. Will you please forgive me if I...

You had me at "dicks fuck assholes."

Attention. Attention, everyone.

All you in the audience should go to your homes now.

Your countries need you. But the world will be safe, thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.

Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is.

He's a man who knows that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact.

A bond that cannot be broken.

He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that cock right in his mouth.

Wait a minute. Look!

You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong Il.

I will return!

You shall see. I will be back!

So rong, earthrings!

We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong Il.

All right, you guys, I hate to break up this little party, but there's still a lot of bad guys out there.

Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.

Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah.

♪ America. ♪

♪ America. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Freedom is the only way, yeah. ♪

♪ Terrorists, your game is through. ♪

♪ 'Cause now you have to answer to. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ So lick my butt And suck on my balls. ♪

♪ America. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ What you gonna do When we come for you now? ♪

♪ It's the dream that we all share. ♪

♪ It's the hope for tomorrow. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ McDonald's. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Wal-Mart. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ The Gap. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Baseball. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ NFL. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Rock 'n' roll. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ The Internet. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Slavery. ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Fuck, yeah. ♪

♪ Everyone has AIDS My grandma and my dog Ole Blue. ♪

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS. ♪ ♪ The Pope has got it and so do you. ♪

♪ Come on, everybody We got quilting to do. ♪

♪ We're gonna break down These barricades. ♪

♪ Everyone has AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS. ♪

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS ♪

♪ Freedom isn't free. ♪

♪ It costs folks like you and me. ♪

♪ And if we don't all chip in. ♪

♪ We'll never pay that bill. ♪

♪ Freedom isn't free. ♪

♪ No, there's a hefty fucking fee. ♪

♪ And if you don't throw in your buck-o-five, who will? ♪

♪ Buck-o-five. ♪

♪ Freedom costs a buck-o-five. ♪

♪ Only a woman Can brighten up my day. ♪

♪ Only a woman Can touch me the right way, yeah. ♪

♪ Only a woman Is allowed to touch me there. ♪

♪ All I ask Is that you're a woman ♪

♪ I'm so ronery. ♪

♪ So ronery. ♪

♪ So ronery and sadry arone. ♪

♪ There's no one Just me onry. ♪

♪ Sitting on my rittle throne ♪

♪ I work rearry hard And make up great prans. ♪

♪ But nobody ristens No one understands. ♪

♪ Seems rike no one Takes me seriousry. ♪

♪ And so ♪

♪ I'm ronery. ♪

♪ A rittle ronery. ♪

♪ Poor rittle me ♪

♪ I need you like Ben Affleck Needs acting school. ♪

♪ He was terrible in that film ♪

♪ I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part. ♪

♪ He's way better than Ben Affleck And now. ♪

♪ All I can think about is your smile. ♪

♪ And that shitty movie, too. ♪

♪ Pearl Harbor sucked. ♪

♪ And I miss you. ♪

♪ Why does Michael Bay Get to keep on making movies? ♪

♪ I guess Pearl Harbor sucked. ♪

♪ Just a little bit more Than I miss you. ♪

♪ Show a lot of things Happening at once. ♪

♪ Remind everyone Of what's going on. ♪

♪ And with every shot Show a little improvement. ♪

♪ To show it all would take too long. ♪

♪ That's called a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ Girl, we want a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ In anything, if you want to go. ♪

♪ From just a beginner to a pro. ♪

♪ You need a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ Even Rocky had a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ Always fade out in a montage. ♪ ♪ Montage. ♪

♪ If you fade out It seems like more time has passed ♪

♪ I was sent from planet Gyron To conquer the Earth ♪

♪ I had a terrific pran I thought it would work. ♪

♪ Tried to get the earthrings All to kill each other, you see. ♪

♪ But it all went wrong And now I must decree. ♪

♪ You are worthress, Arec Barrwin You are worthress, Arec Barrwin. ♪

♪ You failed in every way And now my stock in you has farren. ♪

♪ Your career is starring And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin. ♪

♪ That's why I brew your head off And your children are all bawring. ♪

♪ Pranet Gyron is inhabited With Zypods rike me. ♪

♪ But also with Barmacks Who are giant bees. ♪

♪ The Zypods and the Barmacks Are at constant war. ♪

♪ So we wanted a new home And that's what Earth was for. ♪

♪ But you are worthress, Arec Barrwin You are worthress, Arec Barrwin. ♪

♪ You fucked up my whole pran. ♪

♪ And now Gyron is smeared With Barmack porren. ♪

♪ Your garbage needs some hauring And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin. ♪

♪ Now I must return home a failure ♪

♪ I'm afraid the Pit of Cryrock Is carring ♪