Teen Titans Go! S3E37 Script

History Lesson (2016)





Teen Titans, let's go

Teen Titans, go




Oh, dang.

Bonjour mes amis.


[FRENCH ACCENT] My name is Napoleon Bonaparte.

What did he say? Those aren't even real words!

They are real to French people.


What's going on with the hand there?

You got an upset tum tum?


Don't you know anything about me?

This is how Napoleon stands.

That is why I'm here.

To teach you the importance of istoree.

Man, we don't wanna learn about no "istoree".

Knowing istoree helps us with the issues we face today.

Now, let us begin.

Napoleon was a leader who stood above the rest.


Who grows tall over challenges and reached heights only dreamed of by others.

Wait a second. Are you doing this whole Napoleon thing

'cause we called you short?

Or is it because we said you got baby hands?

I'm doing this because history is important.

Also, I am not short and I do not have baby hands.

And neither did Napoleon.

Come on, everyone knows Napoleon was short. Like you.

Actually, Napoleon was the average height for his time.

Some might even say he was tall.




ALL: Napoleon!

[FRENCH ACCENT] Yo, yo, yo, yo, Napoleon.

We're starving mon frère, dude.

[FRENCH ACCENT] We cannot reach the baguette.

So the cheese is upon the high shelves.

[FRENCH ACCENT] Ah, fear not my countrymen for I am not short.


[FRENCH ACCENT] Regarde, look upon the length of his reach.

[FRENCH ACCENT] He does not even need to go up on his tippy toe.




[NORMAL ACCENT] Also, he was some kind of war general or maybe an emperor. Well, whatever.

The main thing is Napoleon was five-foot six and that wasn't short for his time.

Yeah, but it's short for nowadays. Yoink.

History says I'm not short.

Now, as punishment for your ignorance we are going to spend the rest of the day learning about history and me not being short.

What's there to learn? We already know it all.

If you knew it all you wouldn't think Napoleon had baby hands.

Oh, he's got some baby hands.



Obviously, you don't know anything about history.

Prepare for me to take you on...

A trip through time, time, time, time...


Travel with me back in time where the ancient Egyptians were beginning construction...

Oh, you're talking about the Pyramids.

I know all about those.

It all started with a Pharaoh who had a crazy idea.

Look, four sides like a square but pointy on top.

I'm telling you Pharaoh Mama we can't build these.

But they're so cool. Look! A pointy top.

I know, I love those pointy tops.

But this is ancient times.

We don't have trucks or cranes.

Just those guys.



[PANTING] So hot.

There has to be a way.


What is that?

Hello wonderful friends. I am the alien.

Your flying thingy is super neat.

Ooh, thank you. Your hat is also the neat.

I'll let you wear it if you can help us build this pyramid.



ROBIN: Whoa-ho-ho...

Whoa. Whoa.

Okay. Aliens did not build the Pyramids.

Not by themselves.




Thank you alien lady, Bigfoot and Loch Ness monster.

This is a dream come true.





And that's pretty much everything you need to know about the Pyramids.

Bigfoot is the man!


That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

The history is often ridiculous.

History is the runner that steers mankind to a better future! [SIGHS]

Forget Egypt. Let's move on to American history and its 16th President.


The Abraham and turkey sandwich Lincoln.

[GROANS] He was tall, and with a beard, and very much enjoyed the theater.

[SING SONG] Oh, I have the happiness inside.

I love being the President Abraham and turkey sandwich Lincoln and my beard is so fluffy, like the kitten on my face.

Pet, pet, pet, pet, pet.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.


I have the stove pipe hat for cooking the dinners and my face is on the penny.

Now I will eat of the popped corn whilst I enjoy this theater play.

Munch, munch, munch.

Munch, munch, munch.

That's not at all, how that night went down.

President Abraham Lincoln, did not just watch a play and eat popcorn.

Something terrible happened that night.

[GASPS] Indeed it did.

You see from behind the President Abraham and turkey sandwich Lincoln, crept a dark figure.


[MEOWS] Oh. Hello, friend.

Would you care for some of the popcorn?

No! I am John Milks Booth.

And I'm here to ask you to take off your hat.

I can't see the play.


[GASPING] Oh, so thoughtless of me.

Apologies to you John Milks Booth.

Please sit next to me and we will have the meal of dinner.

Do you like the rabbits?

I do, but where... Tada!


STARFIRE: President Abraham and turkey sandwich Lincoln, cooked a meal of yumminess on his stove pipe hat, and did more of the tricks of magic. [GAGGING]



STARFIRE: The President Abraham and turkey sandwich Lincoln, became the best friends with the John Milks Booth.

And they purchased a small cabin of the logs together, and there they live to this day.



Such an inspiring story.

Nows I know, why they put his face on the moneys.

None of what you're saying is right.

You might as well be telling me that the sun is the moon.

We knows the difference between the sun and the moon, fool.

And we know more things about the moon.

Like how those dudes landed on it, that one time.

Please don't recite your twisted version...

So, there were these space dudes and they were all up in the Apollo Creed space ship.

It was the Apollo 11... Stop interrupting, Robin.

History is important.

Likes I was saying, the Apollo Creed landed on the moon.

That's one small step for mans and one giant leap for man's kind, yo!


Phew. Dude. I'm so hot from kicking out the jams.

I gotta get this helmet off.

Wait! There is no air up here.

That's crazy. There's air everywhere.

It's air.

Mmm... Smell that good moon breeze.


Oh fresh!

[SNIFFING] I'm smelling something. What is it?


You seriously think the moon is made out of cheese?

Of course not, dude. The moon's not made of cheese.

It's got cheese oceans.

I gots to get my eat on!





Too much cheese.

I don't feel so good.

[STOMACH GRUMBLING] Oh, bro, me neither.



Our toots are too strong for the moon's low gravity.

If we don't stop, we'll shoot into space.

I can't stop.

I ate too much cheese.


The flageranity!

Who's that?

It's the man on the moon.


Sticky Joe!



BEAST BOY: If it wasn't for everyone's favorite Bohemian, Sticky Joe, those brave space dudes would have been lost forever.

Wow! I never knew that. Such information.

Sticky Joe, is the man in the moon. That's really amazing.

[SIGHS] You don't know anything about history.

This was a waste of time. Just give me my hat back.

Here you go.


I thinks, you need both hands, bro.