Temps (2016) Script

Good morning, beautiful.

-What time is it?

Eh, 9:00ish.


-Thanks for sleeping over.


-Feels weird sleeping alone.

Like I'm...Sleeping alone.

You want to move in?

-Ugh, no!

You have got a bad case of the bed sprawl.

Plus, things are getting pretty serious with Jason.

-Jason with the hair?

-No, Jared with the hair.

This is Jason with the glasses.

-Didn't you just go out with him, like, on a first date?


And it was a great first date.

And we've been texting...

All the time!


-Just the same three jobs I'm not qualified for.

This sucks.

-You hated that job.

-Yeah, but at least I could pay rent.

-Just get a temp job.


-Who would ever want to work a temp job?

-Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.

-Actually, no bakey.

But there's a goat cheese and squash frittata in the fridge.

You can heat it in the toaster oven at 350 or totally ruin it in the micro.

Amaretto mimosa? -Oh, no, thanks.

I gotta four-day gig at mbst&t starting today.

-No way! They just moved me to mbst&t.

I was totally planning on having a lame day, and they've gone and messed that up.

Did you already put in your money?

-I put it in the ledger, but I didn't red-light it.

-What have we got, like, 75 days left?

-84 if we want to make it there by Thanksgiving.

-It's a small price to pay for another epic Jefferson and Carter ski adventure!

Whoosh! Whoosh!

We feeling the pink today?

-Yeah, let's give it a try.

-Yeah. Yeah, I think that works.

-Oh, yeah. Shake that moneymaker.

All right, guys, I need you to go through these boxes here, make sure we shred anything older than seven years.

Dates are on the top of these folders.

Any questions?

-That suit, Ann Taylor?

-Um...It is.

-You really wear it.

-Thank you, Jefferson.

-Mrs. hwang?

-Yes. -Stephanie.

Cal staff sent me over.

-Okay, why don't you come with me.

-Ann Taylor?

-I'm telling you, man, these things are a gold mine.

-Ann Taylor?


-You really wear it.

-We have 2,500 of these that need to be stuffed and metered by lunch.

As soon as the other temps are finished shredding, they can jump in and help you out.


-I know, not much time. -I'll do my best.

-I'd prefer you just get it done.

-Okay, I'll do that.

-Are you talking back to me?


There's a reason you're a temp worker, you know that, right?

-Because I got laid off?

-I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

They don't lay off the good workers.

-All right, I'm gonna go stuff these.

-Please do that. -I'm going.

-Go. -Okay.

-Hurry! -I am.

-Let's go.


-Don't take it personally. Hwang hates girls.

All right, are we doing this? -And go!

-No, no, no. -Corner back, corner back!

Oh! Damn it.


-I demand a re-do.

-Is this what you guys normally do around here?


Sometimes we raid the office supply closet and see if we can make a fort out of anything.

That gets real challenging.

-You enjoy being a temp?

-Temping is just a means to an end, really.

We're actually skiers.

-Like professional skiers?

-Yeah, kind of. -Except we don't get paid.

We're going to mount hood this year.

It's a straga volcano or strata volcano.

-Strata volcano. -Yeah.

-Strata volcano.

-So skiing and temping. Any other life plans?

-I take it you're one of those live to work people.

-I appreciate the value of a life's work, yes.

-What's yours, then?

-Oh, well, I... Went to school for accounting.

-That sounds thrilling.

-Well, what's your life's work, skiing?

-It's actually not just about skiing, it's about, uh, seeing as many incredible places and meeting as many incredible people and gathering as many meaningful experiences before shuffling off this mortal coil.

You know, things you can't really do from a cubicle or a corner office.

Ever been skiing?

-I was more of a field hockey girl.

-Me, too.

-I have a boyfriend. -Was that for me or for her?

-You. -Oh.

Okay. Congrats?

-Sorry, I was just trying to shut this down.

-Shut what down?

-This little banter we have going on.


-Banter usually implies ulterior motives.

I'm not hitting on you.


-Would you like me to?


-Seems like maybe you would like him to hit on you.

Call 'em like I see 'em.

-I'm Jefferson.


-So what's your man list?

-My man, oh, what are you talking about?

-You know, list of qualities a guy has to posses in order for you to open up your secret sexual side.

-I don't think I have one.

But if I'm trying to waste time and not do work, I'd say um...He's gotta be nice, but not too nice.


-Uh, and he's gotta like kittens, puppies, and kids.

-This is not quite as secret or sexual as I was hoping for.

-We're at work.

-Hey, I'm sorry, can I talk to Stephanie?

She's the cute girl i was just making out with in the broom closet. -Shh!

-Shh! -Shh!

-Shh, shh! -Shh!

-I have to say as a casual observer of the female species, you're all highly contradictory.

Because as far as I can tell, most girls not only have but, in fact, enjoy many forms of loud, raunchy, kinky sex.


-See and yet none of you will ever admit that you like, want, or have these various kinds of sex.

What is that?

Is that some kind of agreement that you all have where if you don't talk about it, it doesn't actually happen?

Like, if a random girl and a random guy have sex in a random forest, yet no one is there to randomly see it, can you still call her a slut?

Not that I would ever call anyone a slut.

Unless you want to be called a slut.

Even then, I think I would have my hang-ups with it.

Hello? You want to get some lunch?

-What are we gonna talk about?

-The weather.

-I like to be tied up.

-Or we can talk about that.

-But we can't. I'm a girl.

So you ready for lunch?


-Oh, my gosh!

Josh and I would never come into a store like this.

-Well, maybe that is why you broke up with him.

-I like it. -Mm-hmm.


I don't really do that.

-The... -Yeah.

-Oh. Oh, sure.

Good. -It's just I...

I have lockjaw.

-Ooh! -Yeah.

-That doesn't sound fun. -Not at all.

-Well, I should have asked. That was -- sorry about that.

-Okay. -Um...

-Oh! That is really gross.

People poop in there.

I poop in there.



You know we have friends waiting, right?

-No, I'm sure they're fine. -Oh!

-Jefferson and I hit the mountains every single year.

We're going to mount hood next year -- near Portland.

You know that's a strata volcano.


-Okay, stop, stop.

You're starting to act like that vibrator we got.

Exactly what does that mean?

-It means you know how it only has the one speed?

Mee! Mee! Mee! You know?


-Is that Annie Taylor that you got on?

-Would you like me to be a little bit more variable?

Maybe...A little bit more, "rah!"

Or, "errr!" Or, "dugga-dugga-dugga-dugga."


-Hey, got you a drink.

Hope you don't mind germs, 'cause I took a little sip there.

-Oh! -Shh!

-Ugh! That is really gross.

People work here.

I work here.

-Can I ask your honest opinion.

What do you think of this jacket?

-No, you may not, and I love it!

-Did we miss anything?

-No, I was just telling Curtis how awesome his jacket is.

-It's kind of getting warm in here.

-I'm so confused. Are you in a relationship?

-We're just trying to keep it in the moment.

-I don't know what that means. -I don't, either.

Jefferson says it a lot, seemed kind of romantic as I was getting out of that Josh situation.

-You were getting out of a something that started in junior high situation.

So a toe fungus would have seemed romantic.

-Oh, well... I like being in something that's maybe not so defined.

-Okay, but if a...

Relationship isn't defined as a relationship, then is it really a relationship, because it seems like half of what makes a relationship a relationship is being able to call it a relationship.

Am I right? -Whatever.

You know, whatever. I'm happy.

And the sex is fucking animal style.

-I don't know.

You always struck me as the person who needed an update on her Facebook status in order to go fucking animal style.

-That was the old Steph.

-I want ice cream.

Do you want ice cream?

I want ice cream. -Yeah.

-Guess who sent me a relationship request.

-Oh, things are getting serious.

What are you gonna do?

-I don't know. I'm gonna...

Ignore her for now and then just hope that she forgets she sent it.

-Yeah, that's cool.

I have an uncle who sends me candy crush requests, and I just ignore them.

I'm never gonna play that game, okay?

-Oops. Dropped some shit there.


Don't worry about it.

-Oh! Mmm!

-In order, nape of the neck, eyes, and teeth.

-Nape of the neck? Dude, you're a liar.

-I am not a liar.

-That's the kind of list a guy makes when he's embarrassed to say the first thing he looks for are tits.


-Yes, every guy looks for tits.

-No, you -- you can't help seeing them, they're right in front of you.

What I look for is a nice nape of the neck.

-I guess you have a point.

-Well, what's the first thing that you look for?


-Hey, guys.


-Nice nape.

-Who do you think was the genius who first took a popsicle stick, jammed it in a hot dog, and then dipped it in a fryer?

-I notice you haven't accepted my relationship status change.


-Yeah, I sent it to you, like, two or three weeks ago.

It's not that big a deal, i just figured maybe it's time our status reflected our relationship.

I did notice that you had time to post those hilarious workplace memes.



Remember how, um...

Refreshing we thought this thing is that we have?

-What is this thing that we have?

-This? -This.

Us, you and me -- this.

What is it?


-Then how about it's complicated as a status?

Just some indication that we're together.

-Steph, it's only been, like, a month.

-It's been almost three.


-Do you really think I'd be doing the things we've been doing with some random guy?

-We haven't even been on a real date yet.


You don't even buy me drinks.

-Yeah, 'cause that would make it a real date.

-Oh. Wow.

I -- are you embarrassed by me or something?


No, Steph, you are...

Way one of the coolest, sexiest, funniest chicks in the world, probably.

-Then what the fuck?!

-The fuck is...

I don't know, why can't people just be happy with the way things are?

You know, why can't people just live in the now?

Why does everybody have to label and compartmentalize everything in their lives? -Because, Jefferson, that's how we make an informed decision on what we keep and what we throw out.

-Like Josh?

-Yes. Exactly like Josh.

And whoever first decided to jam a popsicle stick into a hot dog was an asshole!

This is disgusting!




Hey, that's my corn dog!

That's my corn dog!

You know what, i don't want to be tagged in anyone's photos, either.

It's a creepy invasion of privacy.

-I agree. -This sucks, man.

It's like I get punished for knowing what I want.

-What do you want?

Holy crap!

That's Allison segal from high school.

-Look at that, it's Allison segal.

-I want out with her once -- junior year.

-You did not go out with Allison segal.

You never went out with anybody.

And Todd Parker went out with Allison segal.

-No, that was me.

-Well, Todd Parker went out with her, too.

Then again, he crushed, like, every girl in high school.

I wonder what he's up to?

-He's probably in jail.

-Or witness protection. We should call him.

Will and Nicholas, too. Those were good guys.

-She didn't recognize us.

-Or she did.

-She looks exactly the same, only more professional, like a businesswoman, not a prostitute.

I wonder if she's single.

-No matter what I do, I'm gonna befoul this thing with Stephanie.



-She's probably single.



Where you at today?


-Me, too.

I'm back working with the hwang again.

-Oh. My favorite.

Say hi for me.

-I thought about it, and maybe we can go out on a real date, just so you can see how much I suck at dating and why I shouldn't do it.

-Are you asking me out on a date?

-For strictly scienti-- scientific purposes only.

-I'd love to be experimented on.

-Are you bored?

-What? No, no.

-Oh, great. I'm boring you. I'm boring.

-Stop it, you're not boring. -I actually know that I am.

It's okay, just go ahead and say it, come out and tell me.

-What you're sensing right now is not boredom, it's just like when I get hungry, I just get, you know, one-track minded and, you know, i just get tunnel vision.

It's like boom -- food.


-Boom, food.

-Tunnel vision.


-Your hair looks really nice.

Did you do something different?

-Kind of.

Thanks for noticing.

-It looks really nice.

-I'm glad you like it.


Dave Matthews?

-No, way worse than that.

-Jack Johnson, 'cause he's about as bad as anybody I can think of. -Why do you want to know?

-Because I think you can tell a lot about somebody from their most embarrassing music purchase.

Dashboard confessional.

-I like dashboard confessional.

-Oh, god! -I like them!

-I like dashboard.

-Oh, man, that -- you really do have questionable taste in music.

Really questionable. Jason mraz.

-Not gonna tell you. -Come on, I told you mine.

-Oh, you told me you downloaded a bright eyes album one time.

How embarrassing is that? -Super embarrassing.

-I own all of his albums plus an ep.

-How can you say he won?!

Look, he's -- he's sulking back into the ocean, a defeated beast.

-She's returning home.

-Godzilla's not a woman!

-Um, she had a kid in "Godzilla's revenge," hello!

-We're gonna have to have a serious talk, because that doesn't qualify as a movie.

-Okay, regardless of how you feel about it, she would still be the winner.


Seriously, I just want you to think about this, okay?

Who would win in a fight -- a giant, pre-historic dinosaur with clear back problems or Kong, the eighth wonder of the world?

-Radioactive mutant lizard, no question.

-Ugh, you! You're a lost cause.

You're beautiful, but god damn it, you're a lost cause.

I had a really good time tonight.

Yeah, me, too.

I better go, though.

-That would probably be best.

-Yeah. Yeah.

Otherwise, it's like there's this giant elephant in the room that I want to...


Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Go turn off the TV.

That was like...

Some of the most normal sex we've ever had.

-Is that a bad thing?



-You brought creed.

Wow. That is...

So much worse than I could have thought.

-I know! I know.

You crack me up.

-So this is how it's gonna be, huh?

Every morning when I wake up, you're gonna be here taking away my opportunities to walk around naked.

It's 4:00 in the afternoon.

-I'm a night owl. Hoot! Hoot!

-Well, if you want to walk around naked, be my guest.

-I'm gonna hold you to that. Where's Jefferson?

-Out getting wine and cheese.

We're going to see a movie tonight at the Hollywood cemetery.

-Ah, you're running the bases backwards.

-Running the bases backwards?

-Means you start with sex and then you do all that couply stuff.

-Yeah, I guess.

-Now, the pancakes with orange zest.



-Oh, my god, is that a real newspaper?

-She's dead.

-Allison segal? How?

-Her heart exploded.


Should we say a prayer or... Something?

-I'm gonna be honest, i feel little weird saying a prayer over a pair of used panties.


I have a pair from every girl I've been with.

-Yeah, that's a little... That's just creepy.

Okay, Steph, back me up on this. This is a little --

-oh, actually, i can't say anything. I --

I do have a pair from all the girls I've been with.

-If only we had stopped her to say hi.

She could have been the one to find a cure to cancer.

-Was she that smart?

-Or...Stumbled upon it.

-I never knew Allison very well, but in high school, I was always a big fan of her perky boobs --

-don't say that, you piece of shit!

-Oh, Curtis, cool out!

Cool out, man.

-Jesus, Curtis, calm down.

Not a...

I'm sorry, I never knew you felt that strongly about her.

-She was my first.

-I thought Janet moler was your first.


-Sometimes I don't get Curtis at all.

-Haven't you ever been madly in love?

-Please, he was not madly in love.

I didn't even know they were going out.

-And what about you?

I thought I was, once.

Turned out to be the flu.

-I'm serious. -I'm serious, too.

Just once, then I lost all self-respect.

-What happened?

-Ugh, I don't know. It was like a year ago.

We were going out for a while, and then suddenly she decided she needed to find herself.

Apparently, she'd been hiding inside another man's penis.

-That's a good place to hide.

Bet you didn't think to look there.

-Are you folks ready to order?

-Sure. Go ahead.

-Uh... The, um, the chicken special.

How does that come?

-Baked, broiled, barbecue, stuffed, flame-broiled, peppered, on in a nice pot pie.


The -- the broi-- broiled chicken special.

-Me, too. -How would you like the potato?

-Baked. -What are the other options?

-Baked, whipped, scalloped, au gratin, country-fried, French fries.

-Can we possibly substitute that with like a fruit compote?

-Just get whipped. Everyone likes whipped.

-I do like whipped. I'll get whipped.

-Soup or salad? -Salad.

-Sure. -Two salads.

-Ranch, Russian, thousand island, blue cheese, ranch peppercorn, ranch vinaigrette, house Italian?

-Do you have roquefort, or is that the same as blue cheese?

-If they had roquefort, she'd say roquefort.

-Unless they were the same thing.

-We have blue cheese. -House Italian for me, please.

-Can I switch that to the soup? -Veggie, beef barley, chicken noodle, cream of celery, or matzo ball.

-Just go with the salad, house dressing.

-Sure, yeah. Does the special come with bread?

-Yes, white, wheat, rye, marble rye, pumpernickel, sour dough, kaiser roll, or bread stick.

-Can we just get a variety in a basket?

-Two specials, broiled, potatoes -- one baked, one whipped -- two salads, house dressing, basket of bread.

Anything to drink?

-Two cokes. -I'll be up all night.

-Coke, diet coke, sprite, root beer, iced tea, lemonade, o.J., coffee, tea, or milk?

-One coke, one... -Sprite?

You're very decisive.

-Maybe that's your problem, you need to be more decisive.

-Well, I have way more problems than that.

I think.

-I'm sorry, you guys.

We're all out of chicken.

-Hey. -Hey, how's it going?

Am I interrupting?

-Not at all.

I was just warming up, loosen out all those bugs.

-Mm-hmm. What for?

-Well, after seeing Allison right before she died, I realized she saw me for who I was.

She saw that I had the soul of an artist.

-Wait, what? What does that mean?

I'm gonna be a dancer.

-Like as a job, you're gonna do it as a job?

-It's not commerce of the wallet, it's commerce of the spirit.

We only live once.

I need to find a way to express myself.

-Through dance?


How do you express yourself?

-Um, ah, I'm not sure I do.

-That's your problem.

-Why does everybody think i have a problem lately?

I'm actually very happy with my life.

-That's your problem, too.

Plans and projects

-no fucking way! Todd Parker!

-Jeffy! Wow! Hey, how are you, man?

-Oh, where have you been, man?

Curtis and I were just taking bets on whether you were in prison or witness protection. -Oh, no, no, no.

-Still cruising the bitches and slapping the hos?

-Eh, not so much.

-They must have named an std after you now.

I swear, you had 30 different strands of chlamydia that one summer.

Speaking of bitches you crushed, did you hear about Allison segal?

-Yeah, it's sad. -Fucking terrible.

-By the way, this is my wife.


-And my little girl, Claudia.


Your little...

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you. Hi.

This is Jeffy.

We were...Pals.

-Yeah. -At school.

-Yeah, yeah.

Wow! Look at -- Todd Parker and fam.

This is just -- you know what?

Can I get a picture of you guys? This --

Curtis is gonna laugh his ass off.

Oh, wow!

Uh, a little closer. A little closer.

Yeah. That's all right. I'll widen out. Nice.

Oh, you would not believe the trouble we used to get into.

This guy. -Yeah, she's heard the stories.

-Uh, Claudia's getting a little grumpy here.

I'm gonna take her to the car.

It was nice to meet you, Jeffy.

-Nice to meet you. -See you in a bit.

I'll be right out.

-Bye, Claudia.

-Shit, man, how many fucking times did I tell you to wrap it up?

You're lucky it was a baby and not aids.

Yeah, well, I... I kind of wanted this one.

But, anyway, what's going on with you, man?

You working, what are you doing?

-Oh, yeah, yeah! You know, working -- oops, shit!

Working on not working.

Working on getting to a mountain each season.

Hey, so, you know, i was gonna go get a drink.

You should come out with.

-Oh...No, I can't.

I, uh, I gotta get Claudia down. It's past her bedtime.

-Bedtime? It's like --

-naptime, you know.

-Not really. -Babies take naps.

-Yeah. Well, maybe another time then.

We'll go out for a...

You know, Curtis would love to see you.

Speaking of, do you ever see will or Nicholas or --

-oh, yeah, yeah. They're -- they're both married.

Will's working on kid number two.

What?! -Yeah, I know.

-What?! Married?! -Yeah.

-Kids? What -- what happened to you guys?

You all get, like, abducted by aliens or something?

-Oh, no, we just kind of grew up, you know.

You know what?

Let me get a picture of you, too.

The guys are not gonna believe how much you have not changed.

-Yeah. How about this?

Sun's out, guns out. Do this.

-Oh, yeah, yeah! Classic Chucky.

Oh, so stupid. -It's like old times.

You get it?! -That's awesome!

Oh, man.

Well, I gotta get out of here, but good to see you.

-Yeah, totally. -Say hi to Curtis.

Tell him I remember he owes me 40 bucks.

-Dude, he's gonna flip. -Yeah.

All right, see ya. -Oh, hey, um...

Speaking of, do you think i could borrow, like, 20 bucks?

-30 different strands of chlamydia?

-He was exaggerating.

It was one summer, I got it, like, twice.

It's not a big deal. It was like 10 years ago.

-I don't want you hanging out with him.

-Okay, well, you don't have to worry about it.

-Hello. -Hey.

-Unironic knuckle bump.

-What are we moronically knuckle-bumping to?

-Unironically knuckle-bumping to the somebody here who got a real job today.

-What?! -Yeah.

It's only an entry-level position, but it's full-time with benefits and a key fob!

-I didn't even know that you were looking or...

Full-time, huh? -Yeah!

Yeah, I just put it out into the universe, then I ran into this old friend of mine.

Her company was looking, and the next thing you know...

Key fob! -Sweet.

Soon you'll be able to afford some atvs and jet skis you'll never use.

-What are you talking about?

-I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

This is exciting. Come here. Come here.




You don't want to be a temp for the rest of your life, do you?




Oh, what's her name?

-Dad. -Oh, sounds hot.

-I need to go get something from him.

-Does this mean i get to meet your dad?


-There's my boy! How are the slopes?!

-Gonna find out.

-Come aboard, come aboard.

-Oh. -Tricky.

-Oh. -Mind if I vape?

I got a sweet little personal-use grow-op topside.

For my migraines and anxieties -- totally legal.


I lace it with a hint of opium. Not as legal.

Dad, it's 10:30 in the morning.

-Well, what is you kids say, it's 4:20 somewhere.

-Oh, no. Thank you.



Uh, it's from you grandma.

And then...

I had to borrow, like, 40 bucks out of there to cover my health insurance.

-It's -- it's fine.


Dad? -Oh, my god, man.

Where's my manners. Let me give you the grand tour.


Uh, there's the kitchenette, um...The microwave oven, toaster oven, range top.

And here's my bedroom.

Motion of the ocean, it's like sleeping in the womb.

And then through the kitchenette is the freedom room.

That's for...Open debate and discourse and just vegging out.

Plus, I got directv, so I watch "whale wars."

-Well, it is a very lovely home...Boat.

-When Jeffy's mom left, my whole perspective changed.

And I just looked around, and I thought, "do these advanced degrees hanging on the wall mean anything?

Does Volvo's safety record mean anything?"

I'm 15 years into a 30-year mortgage and who cares?!

It's prison.

And little Jeffy sprouted his little wings, flew the Coop, and that was it.

I just...

Didn't need to own anything, didn't need to be anywhere, so I had a friend, he had a boat, and I'm living the dream for $375 a month, plus I gotta scrape the barnacles off.

-Okay, we gotta go, dad. -Yeah, me, too.

Don't be a stranger, okay, unless that's your thing.

All right, how about a hug.

-Oh. -Mm!

-So nice to meet you.

-Oh, my god. That feels good!

Dang. Seriously.

What do you gotta do to score a fox like you?


-By left, he meant left this earth.

My mother's dead.

-I'm sorry.

-It was a long time ago.

Should have just told you earlier.

I don't know why I didn't.

-It's okay.

-Yeah, thank god I only have to see him once a month.

You know... -Yes.

-No. Mnh-mnh.

-Are you sure he can't hear us?

-Oh, no, he can definitely hear us, I just told him not to listen.

-Oh, no, I -- no, no. I can't do this.

-What do you mean you can't do this? Yes, you can.

-I can't do this. -Yes, you can totally do this.

You can absolutely -- -no.

-Oh, come on. You can do it in the bathroom of a bar or in the broom closet of an office or in the car, but you can't do it with little Curtis around.

-No, no, listen -- listen.

-Mm-hmm. -They were strangers.

I know Curtis, i have to see him again.

-Want to go to your place?

-I would, but it's after midnight and I have to work tomorrow.

-Yeah, so?

-Hey, hey, listen.

How about I just a rain check for when Curtis is out of town or something.

-Fine, blue-ball me.

-Ew. Never, ever say that again.

-Oh, don't ever do it again.

-Oh, by the way, what are you doing on Saturday?

-Nothing, I don't think. -Good.

'Cause I plus-oned you to this girl, Miranda's, wedding.

I just started working with her, so it's kind of weird that I even got an invite, but not surprising seeing as though I get invited to everybody's wedding, this being the sixth of the year.

-You plus-oned me to a -- to a wedding?

-Yeah, free food, an open bar, i figured you wouldn't mind.

-You can't just plus-one somebody to a wedding without asking if they're available first.

-I'm sorry, I didn't think it would be a thing.

-To -- to a wedding? To a work person's wedding, and you think i want to go hang out with a bunch of stiffs i have nothing in common with?

-Okay, first of all, they're not stiffs, they're my friends.

-Oh, and what do you do, friend of Stephanie's?

Oh, I fill in for you assholes for about 1/10 of your salary whenever one of you has a stress-related heart attack on your way to an early grave.

-Wow, sometimes you can be such a sad, judgy dick.

-I'm a dick? -Uh-huh!

-You're the one who plus-oned me to a wedding without even asking if I was available first.

-Okay, I'm sorry. I should have asked.

-Shocking people even go to those things anymore.

I mean, how can you sit there celebrating two morons who are just gonna be divorced in five years.

And you don't just invite yourself to meet somebody's dad, by the way.

If I wanted you to meet that asshole, I would have invited you.

I would have -- I would have invited you to meet him.

That's personal, okay? -I'm sorry.

I didn't even realize that you felt that way.

-And what the fuck are you sending me a relationship request for?

Guess what, Steph, the world of social media does not give two shits if we are in a relationship or complicated or -- or whatever.

And I'm sorry if I refuse to take what we have and shout it to cyberspace so people can like it or comment on it whenever we put up a photo of ourselves!

And then when we inevitably break up, have those exact same people like that status.

You just over-step -- a lot, and I think you should work on that.

-Excuse me?!

-I'm saying this because I care.

-What do we have, Jefferson? What do we have?

-W-- we have this. We have us.

Christ, what do you want, Steph?

I feel like I've been expressly clear about what I want, and you're the one who's gone changing the deal.

-That's life!

Things grow and change and evolve!

Relationships grow and change and evolve.

I can't do this anymore.

I don't want to be just a fuck buddy.

-Fuck buddy? We're not even fucking.

You're leaving, remember?

-Oh, I am so done with this.

And you know what?

It might shock you, but I'm actually looking for something way more than a label.

I'm looking for a fucking partner in crime.

-That you can just get tired of and dump?

-I am not your ex-girlfriend!

I'm not gonna go hide in some other man's penis!

-Tell that to Josh.

-You are a self-fulfilling prophesy.

-Another label, thank you.

-Go after here.

Okay, don't, that's cool.


This was heavenly!

-What I tell you?

Cupcakes are the panacea for all ailments.

-Yeah, but now instead of feeling sad, I feel guilty.

Fat. -You'll get over it.

-What the hell's a panacea anyway?

-It's Greek for cure-all.

-How do you know that?

-I'm Greek. -No, you're not.

Are you? -Half.

-Maybe he's right.

Maybe we are too young to be thinking about the future.

We should just live in the moment.


Spending your twenties, like, sowing your wild oats or finding yourself or whatever is a bunch of malarkey.

All that leaves you is a biological clock ticking in tall boots, going on eharmony dates with men in their 40s who still collect action figures.

-Did you just say "malarkey"? -I'm bringing it back.

You know what we should do?

We should get dressed and call some boys and go out.

-After this. -Attagirl.

-5, 6, 7, 8.

One, three...

5, 6, 7, 8.

And good.

Lift up.

Stop, stop, stop.

Please, stop. Everyone, come here a second.

-That's great, but maybe we should save the accounting for the apartment.

Why don't we just go to mount hood next year?

-Please, if there's one thing we are definitely doing this year, it is going to mount hood.

-Are we maybe running away from something?

-Sometimes you have to have something and lose it to know why you wanted it or needed it.

-Are you talking about beer?

'Cause I could really use a beer.

-Well, if you consider my movie collection a shrine...


-Uh-oh, what?




Shit! Who's the guy she's with?

-A guy. -That asshole!

I bet he sells things.

-We're all selling something.


-That was kind of funny? -Yeah.

-A lot of disinfectant.

-Hey, hey, hey.

Amy, good to see you.


-Oh, you must be Matt.

No, no, Jason. Ryan?

-Okay. -So many, I get 'em confused.

What are you doing here?

-Same thing everyone else is doing here, I guess.

-Pretending to have a good time in your desperate attempt to convince ourselves we belong?

-We're having a few drinks.

What are you doing here? -Pretending to have a good time in a desperate attempt to convince myself I bel--

-have you met Blake? -Hey, what's up, guy?

How's sales? -Oh, pretty good.

-Oh, really, 'cause I don't see any coffee.

And we all know that coffee is for closers.

Stupid "glengarry Glen Ross" -- great movie, one of her favorites if you're trying to get in her pants.

Hey, can I -- can we talk privately?

-Do you mind? -No, he's good. Come on.

I have no idea who Matt is.

-Who's the guy? -Just a guy.

-Just a guy, huh? -Just a guy.

Sensitive, intelligent, sense of humor, cute smile.

-Cute butt? -Oh, you noticed, too?

-Oh, that thing is impossible to miss.

That's a pilates ass, by the way.

I can't believe you brought a date here to our bar.

-I just met him, he's not a date.

And I didn't realize this was our bar.

-You know, I remember when I was just the guy.


Sad, 'cause now you're just an asshole.

-You know, from the start -- from the start, I said that if this happened between us, that...This would happen.

-I'm glad he's here, 'cause now I won't make some stupid mistake with you.

-That's good. -It's good.

-Good. -It's good.

-What kind of stupid mistake are you talking about?

Probably shouldn't have had that extra beer.

-Maybe me focus on that instead of mount hood this year.

-What? What are you talking about right now?

-Don't be mad.

I just... Want to spend more time trying to find myself.

-That's what we do on the mountain.

-Right, no, we do.

But I think I'm growing beyond the mountain.

-Beyond the mountain? -Plus, my parents are hassling me about not paying rent, especially for the three or four months that I'm not even home.

-So get a sublet.

That's what people do, they get sublets.

I'll help you, okay? -Right.

No, I know.

Also...I want to take some more dance classes, and that's pretty spendy.

-Dance classes?

This ski trip is all I've wanted all year.

It is all I've been working these mind-numbing, soul-sucking jobs for.

And you're just gonna take it away from me so you can dance?!

-You can have the money.

-It's not about the money, asshole!

It's about the fucking plan!

You had a plan, and you're not sticking to it!

-How am I an asshole for just not doing what you want me to do?! -Fuck you!

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck! Oh, yeah. Oh! Oh!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, yeah! I want it!

-Sorry, is it too loud? Need me to headphone it?

I'll headphone it.

-Oh, hey, man.

-Dropped your shit.

-Wow. Cleaning.

-I'm having a friend come visit.

-We're having a friend come? -Uh, from Canada.

I told her she could stay here, so...

You know, she's going to come in just a little while.

-From Canada. -Yep.

-You need me to leave for a while or...

-Yeah, or...


-You need me to move out?

-I think.



-Oh, that's cool.

That's cool, I get it.

All right, yeah. You've been...

Very generous... Letting me stay here this long.

Uh... Thank your parents for me.

I'm gonna go...Get packing.

-You're still welcome to swing by and hang if you want.

-Well, I have no one else, so...

-Do you want me to make some home-made ice cream?

-Sea lion war!

Sometimes they go at it all night.

I just lay here listening.

Arf, arf! Arf, arf!

I love it! This is my pbs!

Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf!

I love it!

-So I've never really worked with butt plugs before.

Is there anything I should know?

-We pride ourselves on being a safe zone for people to explore and express their sexuality.

What we don't want is those dirty raincoat-ers coming in, looking at our boxes for an hour, and then going to jerk it in the alleyway.

-So my job is to keep browsing and masturbating to a minimum.

-Shit, those have been recalled.

-So how long you been working here?

-About a year. But it's not like I'm gonna move up.

I've already hit the glass ceiling.

-You mean the mirrored ceiling.

-Oh, you got it.

-You are bad! I gotta watch out for you.

So bad.

-Bet you get hit on relentlessly at a place like this.

-Yeah, but no one ever takes me seriously.

But it's not like I'm looking for anything serious, so...

-Thank you! That's the kind of girl I'd love to go out with.

-You would love to go out with me?

-I was just saying.

-Oh, my gosh, are you serious right now?

You -- you better not be kidding!

You're not kidding, right? You're serious, right?

You're serious?!

-I mean...

Would you want to go out with me?

-Yes! Yeah, I would!

I do! Yes, I do. Yes.

You're not kidding, right?

-I mean, it's probably not wise, seeing as, like, you're my boss.


Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, that, yeah.

-But, like, if you want to.

-Yes! Oh, my gosh, please! Yes, yes, are you serious?

I want to go out and drink.

Oh, I might have to fire you first, though.

-Huh? -I'm kidding, I won't.

I'm kidding. But anyway, I don't know.


Wow. Okay.


-Yo, Curtis?

Knock, knock.

You would not believe the job i just got.



-Natalie Simmons is dead.


Wait, high school Natalie Simmons?

The cheerleader with the wonky Isabella rossellini teeth?

-She was eaten by a bear.

-Natalie Simmons was eaten by a bear?

-In shoshone national park.

It's a statistical improbability, yet Natalie Simmons was eaten by a bear.


Shit, I really liked her. I liked her teeth.

-She was right next to Allison in the yearbook.

-That's a strange coincidence.

-Death is working its way outward from the "s's," and eventually, it's going to get us all.

You just never know when a bear is gonna pop out and eat you.

-You could avoid going to places where bears are.

-The proverbial bear.

Eaten by the proverbial bear!

I missed you, too.

I wonder what Stephanie's up to right now.

-When's the last time you talked to her?

-When we saw her at the bar.

I befouled it, man.

I totally befouled it.

-She's probably at home, wondering about you.

-See these new rossignol super 7s?

Supposed to cut powder like butter.

-You're still planning on mount hood?

It's the only thing i have left to look forward to.


-Unh-unh. No.

I'll miss you, Natalie Simmons.

-Yes. -Come on.

-Ooh. God. -See?


-We're gonna have so much fun. -So much. All the fun.

-Can dress each other up. -Dress up each other?

We should probably get some help though, because...

-Hey, dude.

-Yes. Hello, I can help you. Can I help you?

-Um, we were looking to upgrade her vibrator.

-She currently owns a vibrator.

Um, do you know, like, what size or do you know what kind?

-It's a little one.

It makes like a noise like... Mee! Mee!

-Right, and it's just not quite getting the job done, right?

Meee! Meee!

Isn't quite doing it. And you need this device?

You can't bring her to completion on your own?

-Oh, no, it's like a new addition.

Like, we're...

When she likes to go down.

Down...Down there.

-She -- she goes down for you?

-Right, like a -- like a blowie.


-So you got -- so you got one that goes "meee!"

And you want to go, like "rah!" Or "errr!"

While she's...Performing.

-Yes. -Let me ask you something.

How long have you two been together?

-Not important. -Eight years.

-Eight years.

Wow! -We recently just took a break, and i-i think it really strengthened us.

-Yeah, made me realize what's important.

Which is why we are here trying out some fun new toys.

Anyways, when you have someone like her, you gotta...

You gotta fight for it. -Absolutely.

But now you're having trouble sexually satisfying each other, so you're here buying a little help.

Okay, let's see what we can do. Follow me.

Okay, so I'm guessing from your description that this is the bad boy she had before.

-Wow, yeah, man, that's it.

-Okay, so let me direct your attention to this bad boy.

It has all the latest in dildonic technology.

Variable speeds, you can go from meee!, to rah!, to dugga-dugga-dugga-dugga, depending on your -- excuse me, her desire for stimulation.

-Uh...I don't know.

Babe, I don't know. What do you think?

It's your orgasm.

What do you think?

-I think while you and the guy from "police academy" decide which sound effect works best on my clitoris, I'm gonna go across the street to chipotle, hope that they have alcohol, and go get drunk in my car.

"Police academy"?

-Why don't I show you a couple other things I think she might like. Pretty sure I know her type.

Let's start with some handcuffs.

-All right, all right.

-You give him blow jobs? -Hello!

-Ha! You give him blowies? I thought you don't do that.

-I don't. It was something special that I did with him.

-Do you even have lockjaw?

-That's what made it special.

I suffered for his pleasure.

-Oh, god! -It was personal!

I don't know what you want me to say.

-I miss you. -It's hard to miss someone when you're busy living in the moment.


I was trying to be somebody I'm not.

I like being in a relationship.

I like being in something that's defined.

-I'm -- I'm ready for that now.

Let's do it. Let's do it, I'm ready. Okay?

-It's so funny how you feel this way after I leave.

-Sometimes you have to have something and lose it in order to understand why you want or need it.

-And that's how I feel about Josh.

-Please, just give this another chance.

I know we have something, okay, and you know we have something.

Please, just give this another chance.

I-i-i this is gonna be a clean start, okay?

Let's just -- let's just do -- I'll change the --

I'll change the relationship status. I'll accept it.

We'll -- let's do it. Let's do it your way.


It's over.

-Stop it!

Don't say it's over.

I am here, and I'm asking you for another chance.

This does not have to be over. -Jefferson!

-This can be a clean start. No, this can --

-it's over. -No, let's --

I love you.



Buddy, hello?

-These Tibetan monks spend 12 painstaking months creating these mandalas with colored sand, and I mean one grain at time.

The lama comes, and he inspects each mandala, and he gives his holy nod of approval.

And then he whisks the sand away, just brushes it with a graceful of his hand, leaving behind just a smudge of nothingness.

-Somebody I know was eaten by a bear.

I'm working at a whack shack, and I irrevocably fucked up the one relationship I had in my life that actually mattered, and you're talking to me about the impermanence of sand mandalas?

-Hey, it's not about the mandalas themselves, it's about -- -i know what it's about.

You're ridiculous.

You're 50 years old, you live on a boat that you don't own.

-I know it's an unbelievable life.

-Unbelievably sad!

You just gave up, dad.

-Oh, wow.

Okay, Jeffy, I get it.

You know, you have your perspective, but I'm over here with mine, and it's cool.

No one's right, no one's wrong.

-No, dad, you...Have to...

Always wrap everything up in some new-age psycho-babble self-help doublespeak that no one understands, including yourself.

-I am that. -See?!

You always say that! "I am that." What is that?

I-i-it's like y-you think you're empathizing, but really what you're doing is invalidating anybody's sense of self.

It's maddening. I'm mad.

You're fucking high, as usual.

I am that.

-Strange that I feel completely adrift in every aspect of my life.

-Man, you set me up for that one.

Jeffy, where you going?

-To not be you.

-Good night, pappy.

-Oh, my goodness.

-I can't believe you're missing my debut.

-Sorry, man, I just can't go if Stephanie's gonna be there.

Why would you invite her?

-I just sent out a mass invite to everyone I know.

Plus, I thought you guys might get back together, so I might have sent her a special e-mail asking her to come.

-Curtis, do me a favor and just don't ever try and help, okay?

-Don't you think that she's going in hopes that you might be there?

-No, I think she's coming because she's a completely decent person who wants to support you.

That's fine, I'll just come to the next one.


One and done, my friend.

My parents are cutting me off.

I have to get a real job.

They were pretty pissed when they found out that I was spending my money on dance classes.

-What about having the soul of an artist and all that?

-It's cool.

It's time to grow up.

Besides, dance classes are kind of silly anyway.


How can you afford this on what we're paying you?

-Well, I was actually kind of hoping we'd go Dutch.

-You're funny.

That was the first thing i noticed about you.

You're really...Funny.

-Ha. I...Was actually only half-joking --

Dutch joking, if you will.

Well, what was the first thing you noticed about me?

Your tits.

Are you okay?

-I'm...I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Just guys never take me out on, like, a real date, you know, and, I mean, I'm just... I -- thank you.

Thank you.

-Yeah, yeah, no problem.

-Shit, fuck, motherfucker!

All right!

All right, yeah, man. Dig it.

Let's keep it going for x Javier, huh?

You guys are in for a real treat tonight.

We've got a first-timer here on our open-Mike stage --

Curtis ashante!

-Thank you.

Hi, everybody.

This is my movement poem called "eaten by the proverbial bear."

-So do you want to make out or something?


I kind of do and I kind of don't.

-No pressure.

Just so you know, I'm -- I'm open to it.

-My best friend's having a show right now and I'm missing it because there's this girl, and...

We were friends, and we were more than friends, and anyway, she's going, so I'm not.

-You're missing your best friend's show because of a girl?


-That's so shitty.

-I know.

-But, I mean, if we're not gonna make out, I mean, what do you want to do, because I made up this new rule, no sex before kissing first.

-Fuck, what am I doing? -That's what I was saying!

That's why I made up this new rule.

-You wouldn't want to go see my friend's solo dance performance that he choreographed himself at a local dive bar, would you?

-Yeah. -Really?

-Yeah. -Thank you.

-Mm-hmm. And, I mean, if you want to make out after, I can.

I pretty much make out with anybody.

-I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick, okay?

-Your local ski report is brought to you

by big sky tires.

-On mount hood, no new snow in the last 24 hours.

Timberline is operating seven chairs

with a 36-inch base.

Meadows is reporting a 32-inch base with 9 of the 14 lifts running.

And with a 28-inch base, skibowl has seven of their chairs making the trip for the first time this season.

The weather will be clear and warm with snow-free roads

all the way up to the lodges.

So grab a friend and head up to the mountain

for a great day of skiing.

-And, of course, as always, when you make that trip, make sure you make it on big sky tires, the all-weather tire that gives you peace of mind

every time you drive.

-Yeah, I mean, i do like the beach a lot.

I like living near the water's always one of those things that is like a must.

You know, that's why, you know, I couldn't, like...

Hey. -Hey.

-What are you doing back? -I came here to give you this.

-What is this? -It's dance classes.

Don't say anything, just take it.

-You are my friend.

-Oh! Okay.

I...I am that.

-Oh, where are my manners?

This is my friend, Chloe, from Canada.

-Chloe from Canada.

-And this is my friend, Gloria.

-Hi. Sorry, I was trying to get a drink.

That bartender hates me.

-Did you ask him. -Ask me what?

-Okay, you have to settle this for us.

They're trying to say that Godzilla is a female, but there's no way. -There's totally a way.

-Okay, it has a kid in "Godzilla's revenge," but --

-that hardly qualifies as a movie.

-Exactly. Thank you.


Let me, uh, buy you a drink. -Yeah.

-Yeah. Um, okay, question, Godzilla versus king Kong?

-King Kong.