That '70s Show S1E11 Script

Eric's Buddy (1998)

All right, this is basically all you need to know about Bohr's theory of atomic structure.

Cool, man. Thanks, I appreciate it.

Listen, you don't mind me being your chemistry lab partner?

No. Why would I mind?

Just 'cause I, you know, I tend to blow things up.


Buddy, what are you doing?

Unlocking my car.

No way.

This is your car?

Oh, so you're the guy I hate.

Yeah, that would be me.

Can I just...

Yeah, man.

I'm so glad you're my lab partner.

I could take you for a ride if you want.

No way. Let's go!

Hey, don't do that.

I'm kidding.

Here you go, Red. Your very first paycheck.

Thanks, Bob. You know, I really appreciate the job.

Yeah, I just wish you had a commission check in there.

Well, I haven't sold a damn thing.

Yet. But if I paid people for almost selling something, you'd be rich.

But I don't. So you're not.

But, hey, today is your day.

Oh, hi. May I help you?

Yes. I'd like to buy a refrigerator.

Well, what kind of refrigerator would you like?

Well, I don't know.

Okay. What kind of features are you looking for?


I'd like it to be cold.

Yeah. Uh, well.

How many cubic feet of food does your family consume in a week?

Gee, I don't know.

I do know I like Harvest Gold.

See, now there's your first mistake.

Now, color is the last thing that you want to consider.

You see, I can't sell you something if you don't know what you really want.


It was wrong of me to walk in here, ready to write a check.

But thanks.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah

j& Hello, Wisconsin! j&


Hey! Hey, hey, hey!


Where the hell is Forman, man? This isn't like him.

I'm really starting to get worried.

What if something happened to him?

Nothing happened to him.

What if he's lost or hurt somewhere?

Calm down, Lassie, I'm sure Timmy's just fine.

Maybe we should check the school morgue.

Kelso, the school doesn't have a morgue.

Then what do we pay all those taxes for?

You know what kills me? You do better in school than I do.

I'm worried, man.

Okay, fine. Let's just be logical, right?

Forman's not gonna just ditch us.

The Cruiser's battery is probably dead or something.

You know what? It's starting to get late.

Maybe we should just start walking?

No. I'm not walking.

If God wanted us to walk, he wouldn't have given us Forman.

Oh, my God. That's Buddy Morgan.

Oh, man, I had such a crush on him in seventh grade.

He is driving the fiery chariot of the sun god.

He's with Eric?

This is a serious clique breach.

A serious clique breach? That's the worst kind.

You see, Buddy is in the rich kid clique.

They mingle with the jock clique.

Then you have your smokers and your heads. Okay?

Rich kids can be smokers, and jocks can be heads, but jocks cannot be smokers, unless they're rich.

What about Larry Mosely? He's a rich jock smoker head.

Okay, now you're just being difficult.

Hey, guys. Buddy, you know everyone. Right?

Hi. No, I don't think we've actually met.

No, I am Fez. Hi.

My gosh, Buddy, with a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores.

Okay, let's head back to my house.

Now, Red, you know, working as a salesman is different from working at a plant.

You need time to adjust.

You need to use your people skills.

Kitty, I don't have any people skills.

Okay, come on, now.

Come on. Buck up.

You can do this. All you have to do is smile.

That is the most important people skill of all.

So come on. Let me see it. Come on.

Okay, you just keep on smiling.

They're finally getting off the island.

No, Fez, they're not getting off the island.

But they have a coconut radio. What could go wrong?

Oh, Jilligan.

Oh. There you guys are. Where have you been?

Where have we... Where have you been?

We've been worried sick about you.

We had to walk all the way here, man. My feet are killing me.

Are your fingers broken? You can't use a phone?

Do you know it's freezing outside?

And I'm wearing my uncle's boots, so now I have a blister.

Shaggy, Scooby, we've got company.

Huh. Buddy Morgan.

Yeah, I know you.

Yeah, I guess it's my fault. I gave Eric a ride home.

So, uh... Get out of my chair!


I really have to be going anyway, so...

Oh, hey, your car is still at school, huh?

Yeah, you're damn right it is.

I could drop you off if you want.

Oh, yeah, sure.

And hey, guys, I'm real sorry I forgot about you.

Did you want to drive? Hell, yeah!

I call backseat.

Did you see that? He just ditched us again.

Do you even know how difficult it is to clique jump?

Eric has achieved something very special, and you're both ruining it for him.

Who cares?

I'm tired and I never want to walk anywhere again.

Michael, walk me home.


Okay, what's your problem with Buddy? I mean, he seems nice enough.

Screw him, man.

I mean, he's got the money, the car, the family.

The teachers like him, the counselors like him.

Everybody likes him. I hate him.

Hyde, don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?

Donna, let me tell you something, okay?

When high school's over, Buddy Morgan's going to a great college.

You know where I'm gonna be? Sitting right here in my uncle's boots.

Well, at least you've got great friends.

And I'll always be your friend.

Thanks, Donna.

That was sympathy, Hyde.

Not an opening for you to put your hand on my knee.


Move your hand.

Now, ma'am, I'm a friendly guy and I want to help you.

But if you don't know how many amps you need, there's nothing I can do for you. Think, lady.

Wait. Bob!

Hi, there, I'm Bargain Bob.

Ooh! I see you're looking at blenders.

Now this one here, all wrong for you.

I'd say it's between these two, but this one, visualize yourself blending with this one.


Oh, yeah.

Okay! Just take that over to the cashier and have a beautiful day.

Number 10, your order is ready.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Number 10. I have limited counter space.

Please remove your hot dog.

All right.

I don't see why you can't just serve us our food, Frank.

We are paying customers, you know.

Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.

You have both your legs, Frank.

Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.

Hey, guys.

Hey, man, where's Forman?

Uh, I don't know. He's not with me.

He's with that damn Buddy again.

You know, he only hangs out with Buddy 'cause he's got a Trans Am.

So? You guys only hang out with Eric

'cause of the Vista Cruiser and the basement.

We've been friends with Forman since he was a kid, man.

Way before he had any of that stuff.

That's right.

Remember when he used to have that tree house and the go-kart?

Hey, you.

Buy something or get out. I've got a big wedding coming in.

Frank, you don't have a big wedding coming in.

Oh, did I say wedding?

Because I meant to say, "buy something or get out."

Fine. I'll go some place else, then.

Come on, let's go.

I'm not going anywhere. I just bought a hot dog.

I'm outta here.

Hello, welcome to the Hub. May I help you?

That was a great movie, huh?

Yeah. I mean, who would have thought working at a car wash could be so much fun?

So what do you wanna do now?

I don't know.

Oh, ahh!


Nothing. I forgot to call Donna.

Oh, Donna.

So she's like your girlfriend?

I don't know. It's...

I don't know.

You know, it's okay to be confused, Eric.

Yeah, you know, sometimes I feel like...

I don't know, like we're in a movie, right?

And I'm nervous around her, and I feel like I'm playing this part, right?

But it's not me. Mmm-hmm.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!


You're gay!

Me? No, I'm not gay.

You're not?

But you just kissed me.

Okay, I'm gay.

Can you take me home now?

And just because Johnny's a boy, don't think that appearance and physique aren't important to him, too.

Johnny and Janey both need reassurance that they are accepted and respected for what they are.

Look, I'm not gay.

Yeah. Yeah.

Are you sure? Yes!

'Cause I just thought that...

Why would you think that?

'Cause we've been spending so much time together.

Because we're friends.

I've been friends with Hyde for years, and I've never put the moves on him.

Who could blame you? That guy's a jerk. Yeah, well...

Yeah, but that's not the reason. It's because I'm not gay.


I'm sorry for kissing you.

That's okay. I mean, it's...

Let's just forget about it.

Do you wanna listen to the radio? Hey!

Look, I told you I wasn't gay.

I'm dead weight. I'm quitting, Kitty.

Now, you can't quit.

Why not?

Because if things keep going like this, Bob's going to fire you.

It's a joke, Red.

Oh, I know! Let's do some role-playing.


Some role-playing.

I'll be the interested customer and you be the helpful salesman.

Does this end up in the bedroom?

We'll see.

Okay, here we go.

My, that's a lovely blender.

This is stupid.



It's got stainless steel rotor blades so it can crush ice, which is why I keep it out here at the bar.

And it has the highest wattage that you can get without moving up to the industrial model which would cost you twice as much.

Now, see, we have had this blender all these years, and I never knew that's why we bought it.

You didn't know that? How could you not know that?

Red, everybody doesn't research every product before they buy it.

Well, then they're dumbasses.

That's right. And that's why they need you to tell them what to buy.



I think you are just tailor-made for this job.

Heck, I go in to buy something, all I know is what color I want.

You're one of them.

Well, I think you should be nice to me, Red.

Because I think I might be interested in purchasing a mattress.

Kitty, we don't even sell...


I miss Eric.

Well, you still have me.

It's not the same, Jackie.

I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.

Okay, like what?


For instance, the annoying things that you do.


See? I can't talk to you.

Hey, Eric, how's it...

So what's everyone looking at?

What are we looking at, man? We haven't seen you in days.

Oh, what, Hyde? You had to walk all the way home from school again?

That's not the only reason we're upset with you.

That's my only reason.

I thought you had another reason.

No, that's pretty much it.

Where's Buddy?

Oh, Buddy? Oh.

Buddy got...


Yeah, I mean, I'm sure he has a lot to do. He is popular.

Yes, and so obviously gay.

Buddy is not gay!

Please, Fez. That's just stupid.

If Buddy was gay, he would have been all over me.

He would've.

See you guys later.

So, Forman. Uh, now that the scary kids are gone,

is Buddy gay?

I don't think it's really my place to...

He's gay.

Okay, guys, hypothetical situation, crazy scenario, wouldn't happen in like a million years.

Let's just... Let's say, okay,

that Buddy made a move on me.

Eric, he's not gonna make a move on you if he knows you're straight.

I don't know. I mean, Forman is pretty irresistible.

I don't think he'll make a move on me again.


Or for the first time. You know...

I gotta go.

You know, Donna, if Forman ever decides to dabble in the love that dare not speak its name,

I'm here for you.

Well, you got your variable speed here.

It's completely stainless steel throughout so you know it'll last forever.

Comes with everything you see.

And so, the only decision you'd have to make is what color do you want.

I'll take white. Can't go wrong there.

Thank you so much.

You know, you're the most helpful salesman I've ever had.


Thank you.

Well, you go ahead and look around. I'll write this up.

I sold a Mix Master.

Jeez, Red, that's great. What did I tell you? Today is your day.

Hello, Kitty, guess who sold a Mix Master?

Hey, Buddy. Um...

I'm gonna need those chemistry notes back.

Oh. Yeah.

Listen, man, if you don't want to be my lab partner anymore then I'll understand.

No, no. Oh, I didn't mean it like that.


Look, we're still friends.



Actually, Buddy, um...

I wanted to ask, why...

Why, why me?

I don't know, man. You know, it's probably, it's probably the same reason that Donna likes you, you know.

You're smart and sensitive and nice-looking.

Okay, first of all, I'm not really that smart.

Those notes I gave you, copied.

Okay, and as for sensitive, sometimes I can just be downright mean.

You're so cute.

Well, that is...

Well, I guess I am.