That '70s Show S1E17 Script

The Pill (1999)

Yeah, that's a good sound.

Now, coming up in the second half-hour of American Bandstand, Shields and Yarnell, Elton John and Kiki Dee... and now, The Spotlight Dance.

This is Mr. Lou Rawls.

Jackie! Door! Knock!

Sorry. I didn't know you'd be doing anything so embarrassing.

Um, is Donna here? No.

Look, I need to talk to someone.

I can really use a friend right now.

Okay, then, well, good luck with that.

Eric, can I talk to you?

Look, I've always been able to trust you and, God, you're such a nice guy.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Okay. Okay.

Um, what happened?

Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?

I'm pregnant.

Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?

Okay, Donna, I have to tell you something, but you have to promise you're not gonna tell anybody else.

Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.

Not here.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah

j& Hello, Wisconsin! j&

Of course I support the Wolverines.

I have to. I'm a cheerleader, not a cheer-liar.

And then, in the dream, two of The Three Stooges fed me grapes...

while I played them a beautiful song on my accordion...

In the nude.

Somehow the accordion part bothers me more than the nude part.

Michael, stop it! What'd I do?

Look, I just need all the food I can get right now.


Uh, I have to go to the bathroom.


Oh, my God.

Donna, you have never asked me to go to the bathroom with you before.

Yeah, it's a big day.

Man, she has been acting so weird lately.

I'm telling you, guys, I think it's time I break up with her.

Oh, that's real nice. Why don't you grow up?

So... is it true?

Yes, Donna, it is true.

I am carrying Michael Kelso's child.

Jackie, you're a sophomore. How can you be so stupid?

I'm a sophomore.

Why didn't you, like, you know, use something?

Look, I would have... but my cousin Carla told me that I could not get pregnant for eight days after my period.


Eight days after your first day or your last day?

I don't know. Carla never called me back.

Oh, my God, Donna, having this child is gonna ruin my whole life.

Well, yeah.

God, I'll have to wear flats, I'll gain weight, I'll be too fat to cheer.

Not to mention the fact you'll have a baby to take care of.

Donna, what am I gonna do? I'm in such trouble.

Jackie, it's all right. We'll get through this.

What does Kelso say about all this?

No! No, no, no, I cannot tell Michael.

It's way too embarrassing. Jackie!

You had sex with him.

I know I did. But we didn't talk.

You have to tell Kelso.

If you don't, I will.

Thank you, Donna. Thank you! Oh, thank you!

Jackie, I don't want to tell him.

I think he knows.

What? Nothing, nothing.

We're, we're just a little surprised that you're home, that's all.

It's no big deal.

You know, I just didn't feel like going away for spring break.

Honey, is there a warrant out for you in Fort Lauderdale?

Now, Kitty, I'm sure she's just home to... spend time with us and Eric.

Why are you home?

Daddy, it was just a very, very tough quarter.

Well, I'm sure you'll come through with flying colors.



You know, the whole concept of grades is so subjective.

It's really the experience of college that's important.

No, it's not.

Mail's here.


Sorry I was late. We were at The Hub.

Then I had to drive everyone home, then Kelso says...

Blah, blah. You're late.

Be responsible for your own actions.

That's real easy for you to say, pal!

That kid's on dope.

Don't want to miss Sanford and Son.


Um, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.


A friend of mine, and it's not me... is pregnant. Is it you?

No, Mom, not me. Oh, thank God.

I just had the most horrible flashback to when I was 16 and...

You were saying, honey?

The whole pregnancy thing is just so scary and overwhelming.

Jackie, I mean... my friend.

It is you, isn't it?


She had one night of fun and now her whole life is out of control.

Are you worried about you and Eric?




Honey, let me just tell you what I think.

Sometimes... in the heat of the moment, things happen.

And the backseat of a car is no place to be worrying about birth control.

Thanks, Mom.

Sanford thinks he's having a heart attack.

It looks like the big one. Come watch.

So, I've been thinking about it... and I'm gonna do the right thing.

I'm gonna be responsible. I mean, I have to.

I'm going to be a father.

Yeah, and on the plus side... you walk into a liquor store carrying a baby, man... they'll sell you beer.

Yeah... Yeah.

And I like kids. I still have some of my Legos.

It's gonna be great.

And Jackie's mukatots will get huge.

Fez, for those of us who only speak English, what exactly is a "mukatot"?

Feet. They will get long as well as wide.

Very gratifying.

You foreign freak.

I mean, this is scary, man. I might have to get married.

Not just married. Married to Jackie.

That's freaking terrifying.

Okay, I am never having sex again.

Yeah, good one.

No, no. I, I'm serious, man.

It's just not worth it. Just wait, Eric.

This could so easily happen to you.

I don't think so. I'd probably have to have sex first.

It's just not fair.

You're telling me. I want to have sex.

Gee, Laurie, I sure have noticed you hanging around the mailbox a lot.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What could be so important that you'd give up a week of whoring around Fort Lauderdale?

Oh, I know.

It's your grades, right? You're flunking out.

Bingo! Forman scores! Right?

Okay, Eric. You know what?

Dad likes me and he doesn't like you.

Can I help you?

Uh, Sure. Pictures for Forman.

I'll be right back.

Hey, there, Eric. You okay?

I was just...

How are you?

Here you go. Can I help you?

Uh, yup. Prescription for Pinciotti.

Ah, trying on cologne for Donna, huh?

That is so darn cute.

Thank you, sir. Mmm.

Here you go. That'll be $21.50.

That's a little pricey for cough medicine.

Pinciotti, Donna.


Ortho what? Ortho-novum.

Birth control pills.



Meet Bob.

He's a typical American who works hard... loves his family and has never cheated on his tax return.

Life is good... but lately, he's noticed some slight changes in his daughter, Donna.

"Hi, honey. How was school today?"

"Great, Dad.

"I got an A on a test...

"and tonight I'm having cocktails with the principal.

"Will you excuse us, Dad?

"We have to study."

Bob realizes his daughter is growing up.

Now that Donna's on the pill, she's what medical professionals call, Open for business.

Come on, Bob.

I want to show you something.

You see, Bob, the pill means Donna can have lots of sex with many different partners.

Not just Eric.

"Hi, Mr. Pinciotti.

"Boy, is your daughter something!"

So, do you get it, Bob?

She's open for business.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm next.

Eric, you're not eating. Are you sick?

Yeah, Eric, you seem upset.

Did something happen at the pharmacy?

What happened at the pharmacy?


Shut up.

Eric, be nice to your sister.

Kitty, what happened to the mail?

I checked the mail, Dad. Nothing. No mail.

You know, the mail keeps disappearing.

I think we have a little mail thief.

Speaking of. Laurie, I could've sworn I saw a University of Wisconsin envelope sticking out of your bra. What's that all about?


Donna's on the pill.

What did you do?

Nothing... Nothing.

Dinner's over! You. Kitchen. Now.

I know you're 17... and, um... we can't stop you from doing what you want to do.

Yes, we can. Red!

All I'm saying is, have respect for her.

You respect her by keeping your hands off of her.

You are a dirty, dirty boy, Eric.

Okay, okay now, um, let's talk about birth control.

Birth control?

Don't do it! That's your birth control.

I'm gonna pray for you, Eric.

You're the devil.

And, uh, did you know that Laurie's flunking out of college?

Don't change the subject.

You've got strange thoughts in your little head, mister, and that Donna's a nice girl.

Red, you are giving him the wrong idea about sex.

It's not dirty. But it's not clean, either.

Okay, cleanliness.

Now, that reminds me, always make sure your nails are trimmed and clean.


Foreplay is very important.

No, no, it's not.

Yes. It is.

Personally, I'm very proud to have a daughter who acted so mature and responsible.

I'm her father. You should've told me, Midge.

Can you imagine how I felt standing there with Eric when the pharmacist handed me birth control pills?

Eric knows? Thanks a lot, Dad!

You know, she and Eric are dating.

All the more reason.

Oh, geez!

You'd rather she got pregnant?

That is not gonna happen to Donna.

It happened to us.

Oh, sure, throw that in my face again.

Hey, Laurie. Is Eric around?

No, he's at The Hub. Hey, watch the door.

What are you doing? My grades.

I gotta make some Fs into Bs before Red sees them.

You're fine. Red and Kitty are watching Bonanza.

I gotta go.

Hey. Smart move going on the pill.

That was the best thing I ever did.

Just wait till you get to college.


Donna! Donna!

Guess what?

You're having twins? No.

I'm not pregnant.

Oh, My God.

Oh, my God, Jackie, thank God.

Oh, my God, I can forget about this whole ugly thing, put it behind me, and never ever...

Jackie, I am not gonna let you forget about this... all right?

You got really, really lucky. And as your friend, I'm not gonna let you be stupid about this.

We're friends?

Shut up.

Jackie, I went on the pill.

Oh, my God... you are gonna be so popular!

Jackie, I didn't do it to be popular.

I did it because I am not gonna get stuck in this dinky little town.

Okay, well, you know they're building a Kmart on Franklin.

Jackie, when this ERA passes, I'm gonna be able to do whatever I want.

And so will you if you don't screw it up now.


So, Donna, tell me more about this pill.

Does it do anything weird to your hair?

Mmm, only above your lip.

I still don't understand why Donna has to take this pill.

Is she sick?

No, Fez. She takes the pill so that she can have all the sex she wants and not get pregnant.

With such a useful product available... what the hell were you thinking, you idiot?

Forman, you know what you should do, man?

You should probably break up with Donna.

Because the pressure of that much worry-free sex... that could kill you.

Yeah, that would be Plan B, Hyde.

I wish Jackie would've thought about going on the pill.

You know, if I had the chance, I'd do it all different.

No, you wouldn't.

Yeah, you're right, I wouldn't.

I should've broken up with her when I had the chance.

Okay, so, uh, Eric, can I talk to you? Alone.

Sure. Cool.


I'm not pregnant.


Yes! Yes!

So, you feel tons better, right?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, my God, that's so great. 'Cause you know what?

I'm breaking up with you.


Look, Michael, this whole experience has opened my eyes... and nothing will stand in the way of my dream... of becoming a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

Did she just break up with me?


I am so sad for you.

May I please have her phone number?

My God, Eric. So your parents know I'm on the pill, too?


I had a nice conversation with Red and Kitty about foreplay.


Yeah. Me, too.

Eric, I don't want you to think this changes anything between us.

I don't. Okay.

But it could...


I suppose.

I mean, who knows, it might even be you.


All I'm saying is, we have to wait for the right time.


How about now?


No. Okay.

How about now? No.


Now? Yes.

Really? Okay. No.

Now, right?

I'll be waiting.

Shut up.

I got a birthday coming up so...

It's for your own good, son.

Okay, who dealt?

I bid, uh, three hearts.

I'll go with three spades.

This is fun.