That '70s Show S1E18 Script

The Career Day (1999)

Are you ready? Yes.

Too slow.

Oh, I see how this game is done.

Now my turn.

Ready? Yeah.

Too slow.

No, Fez, that's not how the game works.

You're supposed to hit my hands.

Too slow.

Who wants cookies?

Oh, cool.

Thank you very much. They're carob. Nature's chocolate.

I think not. No.

Oh, oh, come on.

You wouldn't have known if I hadn't told you.

Oh, Eric, I picked out a really snazzy outfit for you to wear on Career Day.

Oh, that's, um, goody.

Well, fine, Mr. Grumpy, but I can't wait to show off my little man at work.

You know what? Me neither.

Help me.

Why Career Day, man? It's so lame.

That's just 'cause your mom's the lunch lady.

Your mom is Gross Edna?


I mean, cool.

You bet it's cool.

That's why I'm spending the day with Hyde and his mom. Right?

Eric, I need you in the garage.

Okay. Look, I'll be right back.

You can explain exactly what you did to this car.

Okay. Look, I'll see you tomorrow.

Hold the light steady.



Not in my eyes!

Do I look like a carburetor?

Not, um... Not in this light.

That's one.


Geez, Eric, you're in high school.

You'd think they'd take five minutes out of teaching macrame and show you how to hold a damned flashlight!

Dad, isn't that what college is for?

That's two. You wanna go for three?

Give me that.

Oh, see? The damn thing is shot.

I need a rebuild kit.

We'll work on this tomorrow.

Uh, Dad, tomorrow's Career Day.

Yeah, well, I'm working half-days.

I'll be home by noon.

Um, I think I'm gonna go to the hospital with mom.

Yeah, what for?

Well, it's Career Day, not Career Half-Day.

Okay, look, that's not three, that's what my teacher said...

Fine, Eric. I'll, uh, fix the car and... and you go with your mom and see if you want to be a nurse.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah

j& Hello, Wisconsin! j&

Okay, so, now, this is my ward.

Um, I have to check with the night nurse. You say hi to the girls.

Hi, girls.

Oh, hi. You must be Eric.

I recognize you from all the pictures.

Your face has cleared up real nice.

Thanks for noticing that.

You know, your mom does the work of five nurses.

This place would fall apart without her.

And she's so funny!

Oh, yeah, she is.

Um. wait, no, she's not.

Oh, yeah.

And she draws these funny cartoons. See?

Now, I warn you, it's a little racy, but...

Oh, honey, you don't need to see that.

It's just, um, a certain body part has been shoved up another body part for comic effect.

So, um, have you met everybody?

Nurse Forman, I just talked to the lab.

Why didn't you bring down that blood sample?

Because you didn't give it to me?

I most certainly did.

Well, next time I have something to give you, you tell me.

Will do.

What is his problem?

Well, you all know my theory.



Fez, this is, uh, this is my mom.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Gross Edna.

No, no, no, honey. It's Miss Gross Edna.

You see, Mr. Gross Edna ran off with Miss Perfect Ass.

But she can laugh about it now.

Yes, she can. Shut up.

Well, I am so excited to be in the food service industry.

May I cut the cheese?

Is he kidding?

We can never tell.

Well, knock yourself out.

But if you cut off a finger, you're out of here.

Steven, you can start by slicing pizza.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm here as an observer.

A fly on the wall. One of many.

Gee, what a surprise. Lazy, just like your father.

No, actually, I'm lazy in a way that's entirely my own.

You two are hilarious.

Here, put these on.

I'm not wearing these.

Well, sorry, don't blame me. It's the stupid...

Those health codes.

May I keep these?

Sure, baby.

This is so cool. My dad's office.

Dad's desk.

Dad's phone, ding-ding.

My dad. Oh...

Yeah, I love this.

Yeah, Michael, this is where all the magic happens.

Okay, let's get started.

Question number one. "What's your job?"

I'm a senior executive, statistical analysis technician.

You're a senior execu-what?

Well, in plain English I concatenate diverse statistical information to maximize the potential utilization of data.

So... you give people data?

You know, a lot of people think that. No.

My job's not about output, it's about throughput.

So you throughput data?

Well, now you've lost me, son.

Oh, listen, Michael... you know the eight-tracks you love so much?

You make them? No.

But because of us, other people who make them are able to make them better.

So you fix stuff?

You could say that.

But I wouldn't.

You picked a good day to do this, Donna.

We're starting a three-day promotional sale.

You'll finally get to see why they call me Bargain Bob.

Yeah, Dad, 'cause that's been a real stumper.

Ooh, you're such a cutie.

Well, you keep your eyes peeled and your pencil sharp because you're gonna learn how a serious businessman operates.

Oh, good, the clowns are here.

Oh, hello, Mr. Forman, what are you doing home?

That's right, you're only working part-time.

If it makes you feel any better, my dad feels really, really sorry for you.

Aren't you supposed to be at Career Day?

No, I'm a sophomore.

I'm surprised you didn't know that about me.

Right. My mistake.

Listen, while you're here, why don't you hold this flashlight on that, uh, carburetor there.

Like this?

My God. One of you is not useless.

A world of careers is waiting for you.

Talk to your guidance counselor today.

These people are ready for the jobs of tomorrow.

Are you?

Good morning! This is my son. He's making my rounds with me.

Now, you let me know if this gets to be too much for you.

Okay, Mom, I think that I can handle it...

Oh, good God! What is that?

Remember this the next time you want a skateboard.

I have some bad news.

Oh. I have some good news.

Okay, now push!

Ow, ma'am, you're hurting me.

You don't know what pain is!


All right.

This is the performance index before my involvement.

And this... is after.

Okay, okay. So, you're responsible for this.

Mmm, you can't credit me with that.

That's probably a statistical anomaly.

But you made the chart, right?

Oh! I wish.

So do I.

Okay, question number three.

"Was the food service industry your first career choice?"

Heck, no, Fez.

I always wanted to go into show biz.

In fact, I was in the Tommy Bartlett water show at the Wisconsin Dells.

Yes, women waterskiing in bikinis.

Very erotic.


I was the top girl on the pyramid, when they fired me for getting knocked up.

Let me finish this one for you, Edna.

Fez, this is the story where I ruin my mother's fabulous water skiing career.

Oh. Yeah, you did.

They said a pregnant girl on water skis would make the audience nervous.

Not to mention, you were probably hideously fat.

Uh-uh. No, no, no.

I looked great. I kept my weight down by smoking.

See, that's that maternal instinct kicking in again.

Yeah, you're damn right I'm maternal.

I raised you alone.

Alone? Hardly.

There was "uncle" Chet, and "uncle" Larry, and, oh, yeah, "uncle" hot tub Johnny.

I suppose I should've just become a nun when your father walked out on me.

Hell, he must've been crazy to leave all this.

Always a smart ass, Steven. Just like your father.

You know what? One thing he did do right: He left!

All right. That's right, Steven, just walk.

Just like everyone else.

Okay, question number four.

"Would you say you are a people person?"

Come on, Jackie! Harder! Come on, give it all you got.

Yeah! My God, I did it!

I did it! I'm changing a tire!

I feel like Nancy Drew.

Well, a girl needs to know what to do in an emergency.

You know, I'm surprised your father hasn't taught you this already.

Yeah, well...

Daddy works really hard, so he doesn't spend a lot of time with me.

But he did promise me a Mustang for my birthday.

So I love him.

You know, Jackie, I've been a father a long time... so trust me when I tell you this.

The Mustang's front end is problematic. Get yourself a Firebird.

All right, let's start Mr. Harris on a full course of penicillin.

Oh, um, doctor, you might want to consider erythromycin.

And why would I want to do that, nurse?

Well, it's just that, um, Mr. Harris is allergic to penicillin and...

I thought erythromycin might make him a touch less dead.

I know that when I go to the hospital, I like to not die.


do you have customers?

No, they're more like clients.

But you have clients? Sort of.

And you provide them a product?

It's more like a service.

A service? Well, not...

To maximize the potential utilization of the data?

If we did that, we'd go out of business.

Hey, Red. Forman around?

No, he's with his mom for Career Day.

Which is where you're supposed to be. What's the deal?


Edna's riding me again about being just like my dad.

So I just took off.

Didn't your dad, uh, take off?

Mmm. Irony. Far out.

Look, you and your mom have a bad history.

And neither of you can... nurture the other's self esteem... because you've both been damaged by past criticism and shame.

Are you okay?

I'm working half-days, so I watch a lot of Donahue.


I'm not sure, but I think I found the u-joint.

God bless you, Jackie.

Okay, I'm going back in.

Could someone help me get Mr. Anderson on the gurney, please?

Oh, I'll give you a hand, Mom. Okay.

So, what's wrong with him?

He's dead. Oh, my...


Didn't we just see this guy a half an hour ago?

Oh, um...

Honey, he was dead then.

I just... I didn't have the heart to tell you.

I'm so sorry you didn't get a chance to meet him.

Wait, Mr. Anderson?

Isn't this the guy you always talked about at dinner?

The guy whose daughter just got married?

Yeah, yeah, he just showed me the pictures.

It was a beautiful wedding.

I'm gonna miss him.

So, okay, you grab that end, and let's get moving.

We have to serve dinner in 20 minutes.

And then we look at the chi square here... apply the standard deviation here... and correlate the results with the actualization median here.

And that's what I do.

And I can't make it any clearer than that.

I'm just gonna say you're a farmer.

Okay, next question.

"What has this job taught you?"

One thing I've learned. Midgets make money.

I don't know why, but people see a midget, they wanna buy a blender.

I guess it reminds them that life is short.

Write, write, write, write, write.

Marketing is important. Know your customer.

Hey. That's not what I said.

None of this is what I said.

Well, sure it is, Dad.

I mean, I just cleaned up the language a bit to make you sound more dignified.


What are you saying? You're embarrassed by me?

What have I ever done that's embarrassing?

Just look around.

All right. Let me tell you what I see.

You see clowns, I see your tuition at Harvard.

You see your dad as a ringmaster, I see you going to grad school.

You see a chimpanzee in a tutu...

Okay, that just makes me laugh.

The chimp is cute.

The point is, Donna, you're capable of great things.

And if this is what I have to do so you can achieve them... then that's what I'll do.

Oh, geez, Dad.

I feel really bad.

Hey, hey. Nobody feels really bad around Bargain Bob!

Unless you got bit by a monkey.

j& Bad, bad, blood, blood j& Is taking you for a ride j& The only good thing j& About bad blood j& Is letting it slide j&

Mom, how do you do this every day?

You're always running around and people are sick and dying...

I mean, poor Mr. Anderson.

Look, you knew this guy, Mom. How do you deal with all this?

Here we go now. j& -Bad -Bad j& -Blood -Blood j& The bitch is in her smile j& The lie is on her lips j& Such an evil child j&

Whoa! What are you doing?

Throwing out the disgusting used meat.

No, no, no sweetie, you've gotta toss that in the chili bucket.

The chili bucket?

I thought that was the garbage. Oh, no.

Have you thrown a lot in there? Some.

Well, most things just break down in there. It'll be fine.


Steven, you came back.

You don't know what that means to me.

Oh, yeah?


Honey, could you clean up those pizza trays?

I'm gonna skip out early.

Mmm. Guess what I did in the chili bucket?

Go ahead, guess.

Uh, Steven, I'm sorry.

I'm not being a very good mom, am I?


All right, I've got a better idea.

Let's do something together.

Come on, I'll buy you a beer.

A beer?

Well, yeah, that actually sounds good. You got your fake ID?

You know it. That's my boy.

j& Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, whoa. j&

"Autumn is harvest time for the farmer.

"At dawn, my dad and I were out in the field

"picking carrots fresh off the trees."

Kelso, carrots don't...

That's good. You should put that down.

So, what do you guys want to do when you graduate?

Oh, um... Not touch dead people, ever.

I want to go back to my homeland... with all that knowledge I have learned in Wisconsin... and rule with an iron fist.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, um... Jackie.

Eric. How was Career Day?

Oh, it was good. I learned a lot.

Good. Now you're going to learn something else.

Jackie's gonna teach you how to hold a flashlight.


Yeah, I finally found one of your friends I like.

Okay, Jackie isn't really one of my friends.

That's one.

That's how you do that.