That '70s Show S1E19 Script

Prom Night (1999)

My first prom tux, huh?

Come on, guys, dig the crushed velvet.

Eric, you look like a pimp.

You know, Forman... prom night could be a very special night for you and Donna.

Hyde, this could be the biggest night of our lives.

I mean, Donna and I could go...

To the prom.

No, Fez. All the way.

All the way to the prom.

You know what you should do? You should rent a motel room.

Oh, yeah, that's spontaneous.


Look, if this night is as big as I think, I want it to be very, very special.

Because this is gonna be the first time for both of us.

Oh, You silly virgins.

Anyway, this is how I picture it.

Well, here we are... walking on the beach.

And now we're gonna do it.

Yes, yes. Isn't it spontaneous?

Exactly. That's what got me.

Ah, that was nice.

But if I plan it out, it won't be nice. It'll be...

Good evening. Did you bring the forms?

Yes, I did. Here's the guarantee of foreplay.

Signed, initialed, notarized.

Very well. As you know, I'm on the pill... so here is your copy of the prophylactic waiver.

It looks like we have a deal here.

I'm looking forward to consummation. Excellent.

Thank you.

Forman, if you don't get a motel, it's gonna be more like this.

You're home already?

It's not even 10:00.

You didn't have a plan, did you?

Kitty, he's home already.

Already? Eric, you're just such a loser.

He is, isn't he?

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah

j& Hello, Wisconsin!

j& Are you ready to rock and roll? j&

Kitty, I am so mad at Bob.

I'm trying to improve myself, and he won't let me.

Plus, he says my ideas are stupid.

Oh, well, now that's the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?

I'll say.

Wha... What?

Good coffee.

You know, I'm sorry, Midge.

But, um, I really have to get to work.

Gosh, darn it, I want a job.

Well, you know, Midge, having a job is not all it's cracked up to be.

Working at the hospital is very hard work.

But I don't want one of those jobs. I want a fun job.

Okay, well, even with a fun job... you still... you have to deal with your boss.

You're right. I'll get a job as a boss.

Well, now...

...that is a sharp plan, Midge.

You just... You let me know how that goes.


Okay, guys.

Guess who's taking Pam Macy to the prom?

Anyone with a quarter?


Damn, and I had a quarter.

Hey, Kelso, you're not taking Jackie?

No way, man. Jackie dumped me.

Hey, I can take Jackie.

Yeah, do it, Fez, and I'll kick your ass.

Well, well, well. Look who suddenly cares.

Ow. Why did you hit me? That was sarcasm.

You know, you guys are making me sick with all your prom talk.

Proms are stupid.

Hyde, what would you know? You've never even been to one.

Well, I haven't been to the dentist, either, but I don't need to go to know it's lame.


I know who I can ask to the prom.

Oh, boy, who, Fez?

The lucky lady is... my English teacher.

Fez, you can't take a teacher to the prom.

Why not? She's always writing sexy comments on my homework.


"Nice job. Good effort.

"See me.

"I love you."

Okay, I made the last one up.

But the other ones were real.

These are the shoes I'm wearing to the prom.

Aren't they cool?

Oh, my God, I was gonna get new shoes... except Michael didn't ask me.

And you like my prom dress, right?

Oh, my God. I was gonna get a new prom dress... except Michael didn't ask me.

I'm so nervous about the prom.

I think it's gonna be the night that Eric and I...

You know?

Oh, my gosh, that's when Michael and I were going to do it for the first time.

Jackie, you and Kelso did it, like, two months ago.

And, like, 30 times after that.

Yeah, but it would have been our first time at a prom.

Except Michael didn't ask me.

Jackie, you broke up with him.

I know. Isn't it sad?

Look, just ask Kelso to go with you.

God, no. This is the prom.

This is no time for your stupid feminist crap.

Hello, Michael.

Hello, Jackie.

I'm just over here helping Donna get ready for the prom.

Because Eric and Donna are going to the prom.

Yes, we are.

I'm going to the prom.

I'm taking Pam Macy.

Oh, the... ...thing.


Well, I have a date, too.

Who is it? What's his name?

His name is not important.

What's important is, he's better than you... in every conceivable way.

Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!

Jackie... if I asked you what's wrong, will you stop doing that?

It's the prom.

Stupid Michael's taking stupid Pam Macy.

And I don't have a date, but I told him I did, and I'm a complete loser.

No, you're not.

It's just that, like, I thought he was gonna ask me... and now everyone who's anyone is already going.

Ugh. That is so true.

How would you know? You're not even going.

You're not even going.

Oh, oh! And I bet you clean up real good.

Well, I do, but I won't.

See, that's a big part of who I am.

Look, I know we've had our differences, but...

Jackie, we've had nothing but differences.

In fact, don't we kind of hate each other?

Yes, but this is the prom.

Jackie, stop.

Stop crying. Stop it.

Look, do you want to go to the prom?


Wow. The gym looks like...

Well, the gym with streamers. But it's, it's nice.

Yeah. You know, this is just gonna be an incredible night.

Really incredible.

Wait. What do you mean?

What do you mean?


Okay, then me neither.

Hey, guys. Pam, this is Eric and Donna.

We have biology class together.



See, Pam doesn't like to talk about school.

Are you guys having fun?


I have to go to the bathroom.

My God, Kelso, you'd rather be with her than Jackie?

Hey, I love her!

No, you don't.

Okay, I don't.

See, but Jackie's gonna be really jealous.

Good evening, kids. So, is everyone having fun?

Why, yes, we are, Ms. Kaminsky.

There you are, Diane. I've been looking all over for you.

Shall we dance?

I am not going to dance with you, Fez.

Isn't she adorable?

They're all gonna laugh at you!

Shut up, Ma, you're making the night too damn special.


Wow, you look beautiful.

Oh, my God. So do you.


Do you want me to go inside and meet your...

No, no, no. Trust me, she's lovely.

Let's just go, all right?

Is that for me?

Oh, yeah. Here, I got this for you.

Oh, God, Steven, this is beautiful.

You know, this whole experience has taught me that I don't need Michael to go to the prom.

I can go with anyone.

Even you.


Okay, let's not do that.

Sorry. Um...

I have my dad's Lincoln. Will you drive?


He's got insurance, right?

Wait, I don't care. Let's go.

I've decided what kind of business I'm going to open.

What's the one thing people can't live without?



No, no, no. That's true.

But that's not what I'm selling. So keep guessing.



Give up?

I'm about to.

Greeting cards.

Good wine.

This is such a great night.


It's too bad our parents aren't out of town.

So we'd have someplace to go.

For after.

Yeah. Like, a motel room?

Yeah. That would've been great.

Really? 'Cause I got one.

Did you plan on telling me?


Well, it's better that you didn't.

'Cause then it wouldn't have been spontaneous.


Oh, you are so the girl for me.

Let's go.


Why so glum, Fez?

Well, Mrs. Clark, you may be good at teaching the music... but you cannot help me in the ways of love.

Aw, Fez, has someone got you down?

So far down, Mrs. Clark.

Here's a little ditty I've been working on. Maybe it'll help.

Hit it.

Midge, you don't know the first thing about having a business.

But there's no risk, Bob.

Why not?

Because it's your money!

Kitty... don't you think I should have my own card shop?

Midgie, hold on.

I think I have a dynamite solution. Really?

Oh, yeah. 'Cause I love you.

So, I want you to have another baby and stop bugging me.

Oh, Bob. No.

So, how much this whole setup gonna cost you, Bob?


But I figure it'll be cheaper than a divorce.

We'll see.

And, uh, here we are.

This is so romantic.

Hey, it's Forman and Donna. And they're gonna do it!

Forman! Forman!


You know what? Those guys are just jerks.

Hey, I forgot about them already.

Hang on, hang on. Big stain, big stain.

I'm just gonna go grab a towel. Okay.

Oh, good God!

You know, they say they're more scared of you than you are of them. Right, so?

You know, Donna, I've thought about this moment, like... a thousand times.

Me, too.

One, two, three.

All right.

Hey, when you thought about this moment, was it like this?

Not really.

You know, I was having a pretty good time at prom.

Me, too.

Let's get out of here.



Donna, what if this is our only chance?

It won't be.


It's just that I always pictured Michael and I together at the prom.

That's the way it was supposed to be, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Tsk. Well...

Hey, Pam's butt looks really big in that dress.

No, it doesn't.

Yeah, no, it doesn't.

But thank you.


Do you mind if we just sit down?

Yeah, okay. I'll go grab some punch.

Hyde, you brought Jackie to the prom?

You're supposed to be my friend and you dogged me.

Hey. She cried, man.

Well, is she having a good time?

'Cause she looks real pretty.

All right, look, you big baby.

She wants to be with you, and you want to be with her.

So, why don't you stop whining about it and just go be with each other.

'Cause the whole thing sickens me.

But what am I gonna do with Pam?

Don't worry about it. I'll take care of Pam.

Excuse me, Pam.


Have you ever seen the backseat of a Lincoln Continental?

Lots of times.

Would you like to see another one?


That's great. Let's go.



You look beautiful.

You look really handsome.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

Eric, please may I have your motel room key, please?

Fez, I'm not going to a motel with you.

Yes, and you also said you would not dance with me.