That '70s Show S1E2 Script

Eric's Birthday (1998)

Does it bother anybody else that these women live in Hooterville?

Technically, Petticoat Junction is down the track from Hooterville.

Okay, does it bother anybody else... that they live down the track from Hooterville?

It bothers me that they bathe in the town water tank.

With the dog.

It isn't the drinking water. It is the water for the train.

It's still three naked women with a dog.

I want to be the Hooterville dog.

Yoo-hoo! Coming down.

Now don't mind me.

I'm just putting some clothes in.

Eric, honey...

I thought you could wear this on your birthday. It's nice.

You look so handsome in it.

Why would I want to dress nice on my birthday?

It's your birthday?

Oh, you never know what's going to happen on your birthday.

Mom... Mom, do not throw a party for me.

Oh, well, listen to Mr. Popularity.

Like I have time to plan you a party.

Oh, um, by the way... uh, your sister, Laurie, is coming home from college for the weekend.

No special reason. She just is.

Well, you're getting a party.

And best of all, it's a surprise.

I just realized, Donna's older than you.

Only by a month. Good for you, Eric.

Good for me, what?

In my country... it is good luck to fall in love with an older woman.

Fez... Fez.

No, they come with livestock.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah

j& Hello, Wisconsin j&

Morning. Morning.

Uh-uh.

I'll get it.

Uh-uh.

I'll get it.

Did I just see about seven bags of potato chips in there?

They were on sale.

Please, don't throw me a party.

I'm not throwing a party.

Don't give him one. I'm not.

He's too old for a surprise party.

I'm agreeing with you.

Then stop yelling. I'm not yelling.

Look, I know money is tight, so I don't want a big birthday.

I'll decide when money is tight.

Now, what kind of gift do you want?

Don't worry about the cost. As long as it's reasonable.

Okay. I would like a cassette player for the car.

A cassette. Not an eight-track.

No eight-track, okay?

You know, I don't know why they don't just put record players in cars.

The point is, I don't want an eight-track tape player.

Then you won't get one. Oh, but, honey, he wants one.

No, I want a tape player, just not an eight-track.

You'll get a Delco.

A genuine GM part for your genuine GM car.

It doesn't have to be a Delco. It's just for music.

See, now there's your first mistake.

Parts have to be compatible, Eric.

You're not burning cheap gas in that car, are you?

No, sir.

Well, I'm going out.

Good. Um...

I want you to run to the store for me.

Get a large can of frosting and 15 small bags of M&M's. Plain, not peanuts.

They're for your sister.

That was close.

So? What?

What are you going to get Eric for his birthday?

I don't know.

Nothing seems right.

I want to give him something special.

He kissed you!

Get in the car. Donna, get in the car so we can talk.

Okay, what happened?

Jackie, I'm not gonna talk to you about this.

Then who are you gonna talk to?

Okay.

We get home from the Rundgren Concert and I'm sitting on the hood of the car, and I kissed him.

French or American?

I can't believe I'm talking to you about this.

Guys, no.

Okay, so...

Look, I've lived next door to Eric my entire life and we talk about everything together.

We love the same music, we love the Packers.

Then I kissed him, and everything changed.

Now I don't know if he's my boyfriend or best friend.

If he's my boyfriend, I'd lose my best friend.

If I screw it up, I lose both.

Now I have to get him this gift and I don't know...

Donna, Donna!

I've solved it.

Get him a scented candle.

A scented candle?

It's practical and romantic.

Oh, yeah.

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

I have the ball last. I win.

No, you didn't win.

Yes, I had the ball last and...

Holy Mother.

Hello, Laurie.

Hello, Kelso. Hyde.

Who is the goddess?

The goddess is Eric's sister.

She's not a goddess.

She's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Laurie. Eric.

Shouldn't you put some clothes on? Why?

Aren't you a little cold?

No, in fact, I'm hot.

Oh, then why don't you go upstairs?

I am waiting for my jeans to come out of the dryer.

And I want you to stay off my case.

It'll only take me a minute.

I don't think Kelso's gonna last that long.

Too bad. It's not like I'm completely naked under this.

I'm wearing underwear. See?

If we were at the beach, you wouldn't even notice me.

If we were at the beach, Kelso would be in the water right now.

So, I understand you have the wagon now.

I want to borrow it tomorrow night, I need it.

Okay. But I need a favor.

For you? I don't think so.

Come on.

Look, just tell Mom I'm too old for surprise parties.

But you're the baby, and Mama loves her baby.

If you do it, you can borrow the Vista Cruiser.

All night. All night?

Fine.

Then, it's a deal, baby.

Yeah.

Your sister wants me.

I mean, you saw her coming on to me, right?

Let him go.

Remember? I said, "Hello, Laurie."

And Laurie said...

Hello, Kelso.

I'm waiting and I want you.

Baby. Take me now.

I need it bad. I need it all night.

And Mama loves her baby.

I'm completely naked under this.

And I'm hot for you, Kelso.

What?

You didn't see it?

Get out of the yard!

So, how's your friend Janice?

Pregnant.

Oh, she was such a nice girl. How does that happen?

Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall.

Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear.

It's okay, Red. I know what a fallopian tube is.

I think Mom does, too.

Well, I just don't like my little boy bandying those words about.

You're still my baby.

Thanks, Mom.

Laurie?

Quit staring at your sister and eat your carrots.

Oh, yeah, Eric wanted me to tell you that he thinks he's too old for a party.

Keys.

There's no party.

Laurie, loose lips.

Oh, Laurie, I just remembered.

I can't loan you the Vista Cruiser on account of I hate you.

Laurie, you're not driving the Vista Cruiser.

It's old and undependable.

It could break down and you'd be at the mercy of any maniac who came along.

It's okay for Eric, but you're taking the Toyota.

Oh, and, uh, here's $20.

Will that cover gas?

Oh, well, it should. Honey, honey.

Give her another $10, just in case.

You know, I could probably use some gas money.

Yeah, and if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops.

Coming. I'm coming.

Donna?

Donna, it's 3:00 a.m. Are you crazy?

Crazy? Crazy in love with you.

What is it about you that drives me wild with passion and desire?

Well, I am 17 now.

Shut up, and sit down.

I have to give you your birthday present.

It can't wait any longer.

Close your eyes.

This is my birthday present?

No, that's my nightgown.

I'm your present. Open your eyes, birthday boy.

Surprise!

Birthday breakfast.

And this is it, young man. A few gifts tonight, the end.

And it is too late to change your mind about a party now.

So don't think you're getting one or you will be sorely disappointed.

Happy birthday.

You know, the lawn's not gonna cut itself.

Thanks, Mom, Dad.

Hey, little brother. Nice tent.

Look, I know what you're all doing here.

What are you talking about, man?

We're just hanging out. Like always.

Except we're dressed nice.

But that doesn't mean anything.

Hi, kids. Um...

I need your help with something.

Jackie, Donna, Michael, Steven... young man with an accent, could you give me a hand?

Not you, Eric.

God, I can't take it.

But I... No.

No, I... No.

Eric? Eric, honey.

Honey, could you come up here for a second?

Shut up. He's coming.

Surprise!

Wow!

I mean, yeah.

It's an eight-track tape player.

I see that. Just what you asked for.

You made such a big deal about it, I wrote it down.

Cassettes. Great. Thanks, Hyde. You're welcome.

Oh! Let's put them in the eight-track and play them.

Hey, it's a hot-shave dispenser.

Oh, he won't need that for a long time.

A long, long time.

Of course he will. He's almost like a man.

I got you something. No.

Donna, help me find my purse... now!

Jackie, you didn't even bring a purse.

Duh.

You can't give him your present in front of his guy friends.

I am one of his guy friends.

Look, Donna, I have put a lot of thought into this gift.

Please do not wreck this for me.

I'm sorry. I guess I was being selfish.

It's okay.

Okay, it's time we disappeared.

What? Honey, the party just started.

I know. That's why we're going over to Bob's.

Well, I wanted to give Eric a party. And you did.

You make a mess, you're all grounded.

You darn kids.

Well, you know, what if they run out of ketchup or something.

Let's go. Okay. We have more buns and, uh, sweet pickles if you don't like the dill.

Okay, I'd love to stay, but I'm leaving.

Hey, buy us some beers? We'll pay double.

Do you really think that beer will make your little party better?

Yes.

I admit it would give you young people a sense of maturity... but it would be a false maturity, and that would be wrong.

So you're not going to do it?

Of course not.

Now, I'm going off to join my legal friends at a party with a keg. Bye.

So, Laurie...

where's the party? You know, maybe we'll cruise by later.

In your dreams, you idiot.

Okay, you guys had to see that.

Three fours, I need them.

Bob is very good at Yahtzee.

The liquor cabinet. It's locked.

What if there's an emergency? They'll call.

What if they run out of chips? They'll starve.

I'm gonna fix myself a Tom Collins.

Red?

No, Kitty needs one. I am just so worried.

Oh, my Lord. Laurie's leaving.

Well, honey, she's in college.

She doesn't want to hang around with them.

Well, maybe I should make a call, just in case...

Kitty, what could happen?

What could happen?

Well, plenty could happen.

Oh, plenty.

Now that the adults are gone, we can be as bad as we want.

Who wants to give Eric a venereal disease?

Hey, look. Coasters.

Forget coasters!

Please, fellas... my mom put out coasters for a reason.

I think I'm gonna put my drink directly on the furniture.

That way, it will leave a ring.

No!

Why, oh, why didn't I beg my mother to stay?

Quiet, you silly American.

I am making a long distance call on your parents' phone.

But that's immoral.

Ha! In my country of...

Wherever it is I am from, I can never tell.

Morals get in the way of a good dirty time.

But first, I need to eat some chips.

What? Out of chips?

Now I am mad.

I must shoot something.

Not the littlest hobo!

Why?

You're over-reacting.

Oh, Kitty, when Valerie went off to school, I felt the same way but this little book of poems helped me.

It's called, "Verses from an empty nest."

Read her that one about the little bird that lost its way. Ooh, yeah.

"The little bird that once did sing

"is now alone with broken wing."

Oh, God.

Yep, that sounds nice.

I need a refill.

But, honey, usually you only drink one.

Well, tonight I'm having two.

Wait on the porch, and I'll get Eric.

It's dark out there.

And you're giving him a candle. Yeah.

Here, matches. He might not want to light it.

Don't say that. Don't even think it.

Now, when he opens it, he'll say cool or something.

And then you give him a look like this.

So, what did you get from Donna?

Nothing, yet.

Oh.

Maybe it's the big gift.

You know, the really big gift.

You guys know what I'm saying when I say, "the big gift," right?

Yeah, we got it.

And we got it.

I'm not even from here and I got it.

Oh, Eric.

Donna's on the porch.

He's getting the big gift!

Oh, a sand candle. This is very cool.

Oh, it's nothing.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine. Yeah.

'Cause you, you had a look like you might be sick or something.

I am just being completely stupid.

Hey, that's my job.

I was worried about the gift.

Why? This is a very cool gift.

I'd light it if I had matches.

Oh. Here.

You thought of everything.

Well... Happy birthday.

Aw!

Look at this.

Oh!

We never thought to put a candle out here.

Oh, it is just so romantic.

Let's keep moving.

There's nothing to see out here.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh. We have candles in the bedroom, don't we?

This is it. He's going for it.

Oh, no.

It's his birthday, she should kiss him first.

She did last time.

What? Nothing.

Shut up and watch.

Come on, Forman, go for it.

The door's open, we can hear you.

We can see you.

Is he kissing her?

None of us can see them, Fez.

Eric, are you kissing her?