That '70s Show S1E20 Script

A New Hope (1999)

I am so excited about Star Whores.

Fezzie, man, it's Star Wars.

Screw that.

Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good.

If I don't see some space jugs, I'm gonna be super-pissed.

I don't know, guys. I hear it's okay.

Well, there's no way it's better than The Planet of the Apes.

I mean, those apes were really good actors.


And then they go into this bar and there are all these space creatures, and then, someone makes the mistake of picking on Obi-Wan Kenobi.

And then, he takes out his lightsaber and he goes "Whoosh" and he chops this guy's arm right off, 'cause it's a saber that's made out of light.

Well, you know, this doesn't sound like a nice movie.

Now, The Way We Were, that's a nice movie.

So, Eric, you gonna get yourself some Star Wars pajamas now?

Kitty, I'm going back to work, full-time.

My God, you're kidding.

No, I ran into Ron Milbank at the K-Mart, and he's moved back to re-open the plant.

Oh... Oh, this is a godsend.

Oh, and to think how close we came to losing the house.

Losing the... Mom, you said we were fine.

Oh, Eric, honey, I lied.

Oh, honey, this is the best news.

Well, I'm... I'm so glad that you're happy.

Hey, way to go, Daddy.

Ah, my job and my little girl.

Okay, so, I'm here, too, Dad.

Oh, uh, speaking of you...

I told Milbank's son, David, to come by to see you.

David Milbank? Dad, I hated that guy.

Yeah, well, I hate his dad but I smile like hell whenever I see him.

And you'll do the same. Got it?

Got it.

David Milbank? Oh, barf.

Eric, remember when you beat him up on the playground?

Yep. I kicked his ass.

Wait, wasn't he the kid with scoliosis and asthma?


And I kicked his ass.

So, Jackie, you want to go see Star Wars tonight?

Michael, I told you, I don't like space.

Jackie, if we're gonna start our relationship over, you gotta meet me halfway, honey.

Well, maybe I want to do something else tonight.

Like what?

God, Jackie.

We can do that for the rest of our lives!

Star Wars is a limited engagement.

Fine. Fine, but I want the big popcorn.

Ah, they finally left.

Now it's just the three of us.

That's great, Fez.

Oh, I get it.

If I was gone, you two would kiss.

Ah, life's a bitch, huh?

Eric! David's here.

The scoliosis, asthma freak is here?

I cannot wait to see this.

Hey, guys. I'm back.

Yeah, hey.

Wow, David. You've really grown up.

Me? Look at you.

You have really grown up.

Yes, in fact, we've all grown up.

Yes, but him much more than you have.

So, David, hey! Tell us about you.

We're dating.

What was that?

What? I'm just...

Sorry, I'm making conversation here.

So, uh, Donna, you still writing short stories?

Well, yeah, I still write a little.

Well, not every... You still write?

I mean, I would love to read your stuff.


Well, enough about us. Tell us about you.

David, you still got that big old curve in your spine?

Can I see it?

Hey, Kelso.


I'm bored.

If you're bored, you should go see Star Wars.

No, I was thinking of doing something else and...

Laurie, what's going on?

You're acting like you're liking me and that's weird.

It's like I told you, Kelso. I'm bored.

Well, that's very flattering.

But, uh, you know, Jackie and I are back together.

Oh, I understand.

Do you want to see my appendix scar?

Once again...

what's-her-name and I are back together.

Well, It's not my best story but it's...


I love it. Do you have any more?

Yeah, oh, my God, yeah, I totally have more. I just...

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry. That's all right.

Oh, I'm so sorry about that.

Hey, what the hell's going on here?

I spilled soda on him.


I should leave.

I'll see you later. Okay.

Hey, Donna, great writing.

What is it with you?

Me? Donna, he's hitting on you.

He is not. We're just friends.

He talks to me, listens to me, shares ideas with me.

Oh, my God, Donna, you are so naive.

Eric, just because a guy pays attention to me, does not mean he wants to get me naked.

Oh... Grow up!

Was that why you paid attention to me?

Of course!

Not. Of course not.

I love your mind.

That's the thing I love.

So, Donna says David and her are just good friends... and if I don't believe that... um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her.

Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna.

I mean, they look so nice together.

You see, this is why your country lost the war.

My country never fought a war.

Yeah, big surprise.

You know, Forman, I'm a romantic.

So I say you choke him till his eyes pop out.

Yeah. Hitting people is cool.

I don't know.

If I hit this guy, Donna's just gonna be pissed.

No, man. Chicks dig that stuff.

I mean, Leia, right, she acted like she was mad at Han... but I could tell she liked him.

Kelso, man, what are you, an idiot?

Leia likes Luke. I mean, she kissed him on that bridge.

Uh, just for luck!

Guys, I have a real problem here.

Oh, I got it.

Maybe you should let David have Donna because, I mean, they look so nice together.

Now remember, a Jedi is his own master.

His own master. His own master.

A Jedi's power lies within his own...

Are you even listening to me?

What? Yes. Um, you were saying, "May the force be with me."

No, I did not.

Jedi Knight.

Jedi dumbass.

Luke, man...

I don't mean to bum you out... but I just saw Princess Leia cruise around with Darth Vader in his tie-fighter.

Right, Chewie?

Man, this totally sucks! I should be Han.

Hey, quit whining.

Will somebody get that?

You know what? Why don't I just get it myself?

Honey, it's Darth Vader.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, my God... you guys just gotta come over to the dark side.

They have free food.

All right, what have you done with Princess Leia?

Hey, guys.

Leia, what are you doing with Darth Vader?

Oh, we're, um... just friends, Luke.

He's nice. I think you'd really like him.

No, I wouldn't!

Give me a chance, Luke.


Hello? He's choking me with his mind, here.

That's, like, yeah, evil.

While Michael and I were apart, he realized how much he missed me.

I'm telling you, Donna, breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did.

I thought you said that getting a pedicure was the best thing you ever did.

That was last week, Donna.

I don't know, I don't know!

I don't know what to do about Eric.

He's acting like this possessive, macho jerk.

Oh, I am so happy for you, Donna!

No, Jackie, I'm with him because I thought he wasn't like that.

Mrs. Pinciotti, can you tell Donna I'm right?

Isn't it cool when men act like they own you?

Oh, yeah.

Mom, what about all those feminist classes you took?

Oh, right. No.

Hey, Mr. Pinciotti. Hey, Dad.

Hey, there, Eric.

Hey, Dad, um...

I was wondering if you could show me, like, a few fighting moves.

Who are you planning to fight? David Milbank.

David Milbank? He's got scoliosis and asthma.

You could take him.

Come on, now, Eric.

Why don't you, uh, beat up Kelso?

I don't work for his dad.

He's making a move on Donna.

Oh. No, no, no.

Donna's not going near that pretzel boy.

No, no. You've got to nip this in the bud, Eric.

All right, all right.

The bridge of the nose is very vulnerable.

Oh, oh...

And hit him with a banjo.

A banjo, Bob?

What? I'm helping.

Where is he gonna get a banjo?

I don't know.

But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down.

Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty.

You wanna knee him in the groin.

You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

So, what do you want to do tonight?

And if you say, "See Star Wars again,"

I'm leaving.

You don't want to leave.

You want to see Star Wars.

Stop it! I have had it with you.

You are weird and I'm going home!


Huh, boy, that's terrible the way she treats you.


You know, I saw Star Wars and I'm not a movie expert, but I think it's safe to say it was the greatest film of all time.

Finally... someone who understands!


You know, Kelso, I always thought you were kind of dumb.


But I don't care.

You know, I don't either.


Where's Eric?


I don't know.

I think you do know, Red.

All right, Kitty.

Some kid's been hitting on Donna so he went to fight him. But it's no big deal.

No big deal. You men are such Neanderthals!

Fighting over a woman. It's ridiculous.

It's like that time at that beach when that lifeguard pinched my fanny.

You just had to lay him out, didn't you?

Well, yeah.

Well, how do you think I felt, Red?

Watching you stand over that poor man... your... your eyes burning with intensity... your, your suntanned muscles gleaming like a bronzed god.

Okay, you and me, right now.

Eric, what are you doing?

This isn't about you, Donna.

Eric, stop it.

Yeah, that's right. Hold me back. Stop it!

Eric, for the last time...

David has no interest in me whatsoever!

Yeah, I do.


Why do you think we've been spending so much time together?

'Cause we're friends?

Oh, come on, Donna.

I mean, I've talked to you, I've listened to you, I've shared ideas with you.

What's that about?

I had the exact same problem with...


I don't know what it takes with women.

I mean, you put in all this time and effort, and they wanna be...

...just friends.

I know. I hate that.

Man, and to think I was going to kick your ass.

Hey, you had every reason.

You hear that, Donna? "Every reason."

You know what, Eric?

You don't trust me and you don't respect me.


No, Donna, I was just trying to...

Get away from me!

Well, it wouldn't have worked out with her and me anyway.

I mean, I'm not supposed to say anything but we're just here until my dad closes down the plant.

Wait. Closes...

Your dad was opening the plant full-time.

Yeah, well, they're burning off the inventory and then, that's all she wrote.

My dad's depending on that job.

Yeah, well, I guess he should have thought ahead like my dad.


You bastard! You broke my nose!

That's... Good!

You'll pay for this, Forman!

Before I leave, Donna will be mine!

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Dad, can I talk to you?


Eric, I am very, very disappointed in you for fighting.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

See you in the car.

Where are you guys going?

Oh, taking your mother out for dinner and a movie.

A little, uh, celebration.

You know, son, sometimes life gives you a good bounce.

So, what'd you want to talk about?


Have a good time.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, little brother, I made out with Kelso.

Shut up!

What is wrong with you?

Everything is wrong.

Donna's mad at me... and the plant's closing, Dad's out of a job.

Oh, wow.

Guess this is a bad time to tell him I flunked out of college.

You know what, Laurie? I cannot believe that you're the favorite.

Yeah, doesn't it kick ass?

Oh... That Vader's got him. There's no way out of this.

Is this a true story?


That voice. I...

James Earl Jones!

Eric actually liked this?

That kid's on dope.