That '70s Show S1E21 Script

Water Tower (1999)

Oh, my God.

From up here, Point Place looks just like Paris.

You think that looks like Paris?

God, no wonder you think Kelso could be a model.

Whoa! I could so be a model.

Come on, man. Shut up and just keep painting.

It's done!

Gentlemen, we have finally done it.

A pot leaf on the water tower!

This is the proudest moment of my life.

It doesn't look like a pot leaf.


It looks like a hand giving the finger.

It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde. It's art.

Get up and make it better!


Just... Yeah, make it wider right up there.

Yeah. Out further, though.

Yeah. Right up there.

Oh, my God. Michael!

Hey, Kelso!


How's it look from down there?

It looks like it's giving me the finger.

You guys, this is so stupid.

We should just take him to the hospital.

No, Jackie. Then my dad will find out...

Shut up!

Okay. My mom's a nurse.

I'm going to go wake her up. Maybe she can fix him.

Just don't wake up Red, though, huh? He'll kill us all.

Gee, you think?

Oh, Red!

Oh, Kitty!

Okay, let's go.

Everybody hop in the car, and let's go now.

Where's your mom?

Shut up! Don't you dare talk about my mother! j& Hangin' out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

No. Dad...

There's no way this could've been avoided.

Yes! No...

Yeah, the cow kicked me after I tipped it over.

I'm not lying!

Okay. All right.

I love you, too.

He bought it.

Um, excuse me. Um, yes. Um...

My friend and I would like our sponge bath now, please.

Eric, are you all right? They were sleeping!

Michael, as God is my witness, I will nurse you back to health.

Thanks, Jackie.

I'm in a lot of pain.

Oh, my poor baby.

All right! All right. That's it.

I'm going, whoever wants a ride.

Hey, I'm sorry about tonight, you guys.

Sorry? Why?

We got to watch you fall, man. I had a blast!

See you, Kelso.

Hyde is such a jerk.

This is all his fault.

What are you talking about?

Who said the pot leaf wasn't good enough?

Hyde did.

Mmm-hmm, and who said you should lean out further?

Hyde did.

So who made you fall off the water tower?

No, no, no, no, wait, Jackie.

That's crazy. Hyde's, like, my best friend.

No, no, no, no. Brian Piccolo and Gayle Sayers were best friends.

Yeah. Brian's Song.

I love that movie.

See, Michael, Gayle held Brian's hand and cried and gave him sips of cool water in his hospital bed.


So where are you now?

I'm in a hospital bed.

And where's Hyde?

Well, he isn't giving me sips of cool water, that's for sure!

Well, we got vandals in this town.

I was driving home, and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.

Vandals, you say?

Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?

Oh, can it, Laurie.

Eric, you look pale.

Let me see your eyes.

Look at me.

Do you have a fever?


I know what you need.

Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn.

The fresh air will do you good.

Eric, is something bothering you?

God, make it stop!

Oh, Kitty!

Oh, Kitty!

Oh, Kitty!

Oh, Kitty!

Oh, Red!

Oh, Kitty! Oh, Kitty!

Oh, Red! Oh, Red!

Well, okay, now, um...

So far, Eric is nine out of 10.

He's got... He's got bloodshot eyes, mood swings, irregular appetite, odd sleeping patterns.

Oh, Red, our Johnny is high.

Kitty, that's nonsense.

He's not on drugs.

He's just weird.



I... I overslept.

I'm late for school.

It's, uh...


That kid's on dope.

Well, I'll say. It's Sunday.

Boy, these afterschool specials are thrilling.

I mean, who knew it takes only one beer to turn a cheerleader into a whore?

You know, Fez, this show contains an important message.

That very thing happened to a good friend of mine.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Uh, may I ask who?

Man, that is one drunk, slutty cheerleader.

There go her pom-poms.

All right! All right!

That is quite enough!

Everywhere I look now, it's sex, sex, sex! Well, it's disgusting, and I for one will not have it in my basement!

Eric, what's wrong with you?

Oh, well, excuse me, Donna, for having a little moral fiber.

Okay. Well, I'm going to go check on Michael.

Yeah, how's he doing?

Oh! Oh, yeah, like you care.

Why don't you just apologize?

Apologize for what?

Well, if you don't know, then obviously you're a big fat jerk!

Okay. She's nuts.

I know. You are not fat.

Eric. Get off my mom...


What is it with you?

You've been extra losery lately.

I saw Mom and Dad having sex.


Oh, you poor thing!

It's all right. It's okay. Baby's fine.

Oh, Laurie, it was horrible.

I can't get the image out of my mind!

I mean, it was Mom and Dad, but they were...

They were like a pair of wildebeests on a National Geographic Special.

Deep in the unexplored psyche of a confused young man, is a wilderness called Wild Wisconsin.

After several days of tracking, we finally located the den of the wily Red.

Here we see suburbus sexmaniacus tracking his prey through the living room.

Observe as the male indicates his interest in mating by making loud, aggressive noises.

The female's attractive double-knit pantsuit and scarlet lips signal her readiness.

This display is not lost on the male.

Oh, here he goes.

Let's watch.

Eric, I am so sorry.

But you have to understand.

Mom and Dad are in love.

They have urges and needs, just like us.

No urges, no needs!

I learned in psychology class that what you went through is traumatic, but don't worry, many people have had this same experience.

Really? And they turned out all right?

Well, some of them turned out to be serial killers.

But I'm sure that's just a coincidence.

But whatever.

You know what the sad thing is?

I actually think you're trying to be nice.


It's just not my strong suit.


So I'll be all right?


Donna, I'm really not in the mood.

Now, come on.

I'm just trying to get a little action here.

Donna, I just can't.

Come on. All the other guys are doing it.

What's going on? Are you, like, mad at me or something?

Donna, I saw my parents having sex.

Oh, God!


And you liked it, right?

No! God, no! That's sick!

Everyone's sick!

I'm kidding.

Eric, I'm kidding.


Good one.

All right, look, I'm going to tell you something I've never told anybody else.

All right?

When I was 12, I saw my parents doing it.

How... How did you get over it?

Well, at first, I was, like, completely freaked out.

But then eventually the pain receded, and I was able to live again.

Donna, I don't see this receding.

I mean, I walked in on Red and Kitty, and they were...

They were right in the middle.

Oh, God. That's nothing.

I caught my parents outside, in broad daylight, on the hammock.

Where I used to read, like, my Nancy Drew Mysteries.

Oh, man, that is so much worse than mine.

Oh, God.

I can remember, like, little bits of naked skin peeking through the holes of the hammock.


It's weird, but knowing what you went through just makes me feel so much better, because you're, like, totally over it. Right?

And later, they came inside and they had, like, this checkerboard pattern all over their arms and legs!

And my dad laughed and said they fell asleep on the hammock.

But I knew it was a lie.

I knew what he did to my mom.

Your mom.

Okay, I'm ready to fool around.

Please take me home. Okay.

Oh. Hey, look, Jackie. It's my friends, Eric, Donna, and Fez.

Yep, that's all my friends.

Kelso, if you have something to say to me, why don't you just say it?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I think you have something to say to me, and I'm going to be right over here when you're ready.

All right, all right! This is stupid.

Hyde, just apologize already.

It's not my fault.

Whatever. He thinks it is.

It is!

You made me fall off the water tower.

How? Did I push you? No, but...

Did I make the railing slippery?

No. Then how is it my fault?


You didn't like my artwork.

And you don't respect me and you laugh at me and you're inconsiderate of my feelings.

No offense, but you sound like a chick.


Man, I do!

Okay. All right.

Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?


You bled and you cried.

I bled. I didn't cry.

Yeah, you did.

You bled and you cried.

And you laughed, man, a lot, while I was bleeding.

Do you see my point? Yeah. It's funny when friends get hurt.

Close enough.

Sorry. Stop talking like a chick.

Oh, oh.

God, you're both idiots!


Your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately.

Like a hippie.

Is there something you want to tell us?

Are you on dope? Are you?

Because... Because we can help get you clean.

There's counseling, hospitalization...

My foot kicking your ass.

Mom, Dad, I'm not on drugs.

Oh, what a relief. You have no idea...

Kitty, Kitty, he's lying.

That's what the hopheads do.

Mom, Dad, I swear, I'm not on drugs.

Well then, what the hell's wrong with you?

Well, I accidentally... I was upstairs, and I, I...

Okay, you know what? I'm on drugs.

Oh, for God's sake! He saw you guys doing it!


I helped!

Oh, honey.

Were your father and I having intercourse?


Well, no wonder you've been acting so weird.

Red, say something. Make him feel better.


It's more fun than it looks.


What? What do you want me to say?

Hey, you know what?

Um, you guys do it, and, um, I'm okay with that.



I just hope you learned your lesson.


Yes, sir, I did.

Wait a second. What lesson?

Always knock. Oh.

Oh! Oh, even in the middle of the afternoon.

Oh, my God!

Damn, that was funny.

Well, I don't... I don't know how funny it is.

I mean, what if that had been you walking in on your parents?

And your mother was a dancer.

I imagine that would've been quite something.

Quit it, Kitty.

Oh. Hey, don't.

Come on now. Stop that.

Boy, Kelso's going to be so happy that I finished his graffiti.

Oh, yes.

I am very talented.

Oh, no!

I am hurt...

And all alone...

And it is giving me the finger!