That '70s Show S1E22 Script

Punk Chick (1999)

What are you doing?


How's it going back there?

Okay, Donna, just for that, I'm not taking your bra off.

Well, you weren't taking it off anyway.

Hello, House of Chicken?

How big are your wings?



How big are your breasts?

This is Fez, who is this?

My first prank call.

Every night with you is an adventure.

Yeah, Fez, it's a real roller coaster, ain't it?

Hyde, how come you do not have a girlfriend?

Maybe if you did something with your hair.

Hey, you, is there a motel in this pukehole?

There's a Sleepy Time Lodge three pukeholes over.

Thanks. I'm Chrissy.

I'm Hyde. Who cares.

You wanna hop on my Vespa and, uh, show me where it is?

Mother of God, I think I love you.

Love is an outdated concept, used by industrialists to keep women subservient.

Mother of God, I do love you.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah

j& Hello, Wisconsin! j&




What happened?

What happen... You just beat me 15-nothing.

So what?

I mean, hitting a ball with two paddles is so boring.

I need a new challenge, something totally different.

I need to hit the ball with... with smaller paddles.

Where's Red keep his tools?

Oh, no. Not Red's Pong.

I don't think you should be going...

The garage! Of course!

Okay, you know, if you screw that up, he's gonna blame me.

I know.

Who'd have thought I'd meet a radical number like you in a slag heap town like this.

I can't believe you're just passing through, man.

You're dark, you're obnoxious... you're dangerously paranoid.

Until tonight, I didn't even know a girl like you existed.

Has it occurred to you that we're on a bed?

Oh, man, this is so perfect.

You're easy, too?


See, the establishment doesn't want us having sex because they know it makes us feel good, right? Yeah.

So if we can feel good on our own, what do we need the establishment for?

So, every time we have sex, it's a huge protest.

You know what?

I think I feel a huge protest coming on.

Thank you so much for helping with my home ec project, Mrs. Forman.

Well, you're welcome, honey.

Now, Jackie, have you ever made a pie before?

No, I don't really cook much.

I just plan on getting by on my looks.

Okay, then.



What are you doing here?

I'm baking a pie.

I'm making small paddles.



So, Donna, what say you and I take a little drive tonight?

I don't know.

Do you think you can unlock the car?

Hmm. Where should the three of us go on our drive?

Actually, Fez, just, um, Donna and I are gonna...

Oh, I see.

So, you are going to ditch me.

Just like Hyde.

Every day, I am here with my heart on my sleeve...

hoping only for friendship and acceptance.

And what do I get?



When is it Fez's turn?

Where is my whore?

Damn you, Hyde.

Did you go horseback riding without me?


I just met the most amazing woman. Chrissy.

And she just ditched her entire life to start over in New York, man.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Why is she... Why is she going to New York?

She's going to start a punk band.

A punk band.

Cool. What is punk anyways?

Punk is the nihilistic outcry against the corporate rock and roll takeover.

It's the soundtrack to the revolution, man.

I thought you said Blue Oyster Cult was the soundtrack to the revolution.

Look, the point is, is that... she asked me to go with her.

Whoa, whoa. Why would you want to go to New York?

Well, it's a big city, man, the bars are open until 4:00, that's where all the music's happening.


If I can make it there...

You can't make it there.

But if I can make it there...

But, you won't make it there.

Would you just listen?

If I can make it there...

Damn it, Forman, now I lost my train of thought!

Kelso! You have 10 seconds to tell me what you're doing.

I can explain... Nine seconds!

See... Okay... Eight!

...but the counting... Three.


No! There's no way that was five seconds.

It is now. Three!

I just wanted... Two.

Smaller paddles. Time!

Don't hurt me!

Smaller paddles?

Is it broken?

Okay, I'm too good at Pong.

It's a curse.

I know what you mean. It's boring.

I haven't played this thing in over a month.

Right, right. Exactly. Okay, now stay with me here.

That's why I took it apart.

See, smaller paddles equal bigger fun.

You may have something there.

We'll give it a try.

Seeing as you already opened it.

Great. And hey... if we can't put it back together, you owe me $118.

I don't have $118.

Well, then I'll have to kill you.

Okay. Okay.

Jackie, all right, honey. Let's, let's just review.

What do you think went wrong with this pie?

Too many eggs? No.

The pan was too small?

Not even close.

Is it because Michael doesn't love me anymore?


It's because you were talking on the phone about Michael instead of watching the pie, like you promised me you would this time.


You liar.

I don't know, Hyde. I mean, here, you're the cool guy.

But do you know how many cool guys live in New York?

There's like...

Lou Reed, man!

Do you want to mess with that?

Why do you want to leave Point Place?

It is fun.

Yeah, it is fun, man... and I'm gonna miss the hell out of you guys.

But Chrissy's cool.

And it's the Big Apple, man.

Do you think Lou Reed's in the phone book?

Because I bet he'd really like me.

Lou Reed.

Where are you going?

Who's Chrissy?

It's not bad here, man. We got the TV and... peanut butter. And I got this thing.

Well, the ball part rolled under the dryer.

Hyde, you cannot leave.

You gave me my first beer, remember?

And then I threw up on that cop.

That was a good time, man.

Wait a minute, back up.

Nobody tells me anything.

What's the ball doing under the dryer?

So, Hyde's like... Hyde's like really leaving.


It's like... time's just passing us by.

You know, you've got to like... seize the day.

You are so right. Yeah.

Okay, what's so funny?

Nothing. Nothing.

Uh... No, tell me.

I know you're going for the bra.

How... How did you know?

It's just, every time you go for my bra, your lips stop moving.

So, um... you're really not having any fun?

No, I'm having a good time.

I would just like a little attention while you're struggling with my underwear.

I'm here too.

It doesn't always have to be about the twins.

The twins?

Is that what you call them?

That is so very hot.

Okay. Yeah...

Take me home.

Jackie... just take the money and buy a pie.

Mrs. Forman, if I buy a pie, that's cheating and I'll fail.

Trust me. If you bake it, you'll fail, too.

What's this about Hyde moving to New York?

No, no. He's only 17.

His mother would never let him do that.

Actually, Michael told me that Hyde's mom drinks a lot.

She probably won't even care.

You know, drunk people are like that.

Okay... let's make another pie.

I will make the filling... and I will make the crust.

What will I make?

You will go into the living room and make me a drink.

He can't just drop out of high school.

And New York City is no place for a 17-year-old kid.

It's Sodom and Gomorrah with a subway.

We'll have to have a talk with him.

His mom sure as hell won't do it.

And somebody's got to beat some sense into that idiot.

Oh, Red, you do care.

Are you ready to rock and roll?

We don't think that you should go.

New York is a dangerous place.

A young man today needs a high school diploma.

In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.

Do you have any idea what the job market is like?

The people are rude.

And you have feelings.

Without that sheepskin, you are nothing.

And not the kind of nothing that you are now.

An even lower, more pathetic nothing.

They spit. That's right, they spit!

What are you gonna put on your resume?


I'm not afraid of anything, and I'm going.

Well, that didn't go that great.

Way to go, Kitty.

Hey, don't touch!

I'm about to take off the doohickey.

Red! Don't you think we should disconnect the transistor from the secondary circuit board first?

Well... Sure.

And then, we'll, uh... work on the, uh... doohickey.


It is too my suitcase!

Nothing in this house is yours!

Shut up!

So, your mom's taking it pretty hard, huh?

Oh, I haven't told her yet.

So, Hyde, you're, like... really going through with this?

Yeah, man.

I mean, you know. I know people spit on you there and the rats are as big as your head or whatever.

But this might be my only chance to escape, Forman.

Hey, you can't leave now.

We're finally getting old enough to do some serious damage to this town.

Remember we were gonna paint that pot leaf on the water tower?

Vandalism, while tempting... is not enough reason for me to stay.

Plus, you can do that without me.

But we won't do that without you.

Hyde, you're the reason we do so many stupid, senseless things.

Yeah, that is true.

Hyde, I've never told this to another human being... but I...


Cannot get Donna's bra off.

Hooks or snaps? Both. She keeps throwing me changeups.

All right, here's what you do, okay?

You buy a bra and you practice on it at home... then you give it to Donna as a gift.

See! That's brilliant.

You're like an evil genius, man!

Where's your bag?

You're not going.


But I'd like to mount another protest if you have the time.

This is my, um... My friend's number in New York.

Don't call me.

Yeah, I won't.

Hey, Chrissy... do you mind if I steal the towels?

Sorry. I already got them.

Well, Kelso. Good luck.

Yeah, she's been a great ride, man.

It worked!

Smaller paddles!

Congratulations, son.

You have seen the future.

Yeah, yeah. You're so right, Red.

Home computers. That is the future.

No, no, no. Not computers. Soldering.

The future is soldering.


Well, what do you know, we're parked again.

Right, but this time I just want to talk.

Donna, I'm really sorry if I did anything to make you feel uncomfortable.

Oh, thanks.

I guess part of that's my fault.

But I think I know something that will make you feel better.


Well... You know, I've been having a rough time lately because now that we're boyfriend and girlfriend and now that you know I'm on the pill it's like you're always pawing at me.

And I wanna fool around, but then I think if you get to second base, then you'll have a pretty good view of home and if that happens, who knows what will happen to you and me?

Just look at what happened to Jackie and Kelso and sex changes everything and that really, really sucks.


Um, so, what part of that was supposed to make me feel better?

I'm not wearing a bra.

You are the best girlfriend ever.

You surprised to see me?

No, I knew you'd stay.

Yeah, we've been friends way too long.

No, Chrissy just drove by with some guy on the back of her bike.

Poor kid.

She's grieving.