That '70s Show S1E23 Script

Grandma's Dead (1999)

Oh, um, here, Bernice, I, I made you a plate of leftovers.

Oh, thank you. Oh, that reminds me, Red, my garbage disposal is still broken.

Well, just as long as you enjoy it.

Listen, I've got an idea. Let's eat out next Sunday.

That way everybody can get something they like.

Okay, Grandma, time to get you home.

Eric, you gotta warm that car up for at least 10 minutes.

Oh. He's a good boy.

It's just a shame he doesn't have a better home life.

Uh, you know, Kitty, when I was raising children, the right way...

That's warm enough, Eric. But you just said...

Show me tail lights.

Let's roll, grandma.

Turn off that beatnik music.

Watch the road.

You don't like it when I come to visit.

Yes, I do. I really do.

You're a filthy liar.

You didn't learn to lie from my Red.

That came from your mother.

Well, you see, Grandma, that's the problem right there, okay?

Every time you come to my house, you spend the whole day criticizing my mom.

Well, I tell it like it is.

Okay, Grandma, then here's how it is.

You're very nasty.

And I... I don't see why you have to be so hateful.

I don't think being nice for a whole day would kill you.



Oh... Oh, God.

Hey. What's going on?

Just shooting some hoops.

Oh, I'll get it.

Eric, what's your grandma doing sleeping in the car?

She's not, uh...

She's not sleeping. She's dead.

No, really. She's dead.

Wh... What?

What... What are you talking about, she's dead?

I, uh, was driving her home and then I yelled at her and then she died.

She died? I mean, what did Red say?

Oh, I'm not telling Red.

Um, Eric, I don't mean to criticize, but are you insane?

You need to do something.

Eric, I just gotta get my eight-track out of the car.


Grandma Forman, can you just move your leg a little bit, there?

Kelso, she's dead.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Eric, you're in shock.

You have to go inside and tell Red, right now.

Wait, um... will you do it?

Please, right now.


I forgot the Tupperware.

Oh. She sent back the leftovers.

This is so typical of your grandmother.

Why do I even put up with her?

Mom, I think you might be coming down a little hard on Grandma this time.

Well, you know what? She is just an evil, evil horrible little woman.

What did she say about me this time?

Not much.

So, did you get your Grandma home, okay?

Well, um... You know, the strangest thing happened.

Okay, now here's the part where I get lost.

How did she hit the sidewalk?

Well, I opened the door for her...

And what the hell was going through your head when you did that?

Oh, just yell at him, Red.

I'm sure that his grandmother dying hasn't upset him enough.

Eric, take your mother in the house. She's hysterical.

Yes, sir. And, um...

I have to tell you, sir, when we were driving...

I said to Grandma... I said...

Eric, this is no time to get upset.

Well, when is the right time?

I'll handle this, Eric, you just take your mother in the house.


Well, this... this is a terrible loss.

Mom, didn't you just say that she was evil?

I never said any such thing.


Oh, Sweetie, I am so glad you're here.

Yeah, I had a final this week.

Oh, I'm so sorry, honey.

Oh, no, this couldn't have come at a better time.

I was really unprepared.

But I miss Grandma.

I know, honey. We all do.

Mom, what is with all this food?

Well, you know, busy hands are happy hands.

Oh, say, would you like a cup of chili with your waffles?

Oh, I don't know. Sure.

So, how did your brother take the news?

Oh, you know Marty. He was talking about his feelings and then he started bawling, so I hung up on him.

I'm not paying long distance rates to listen to that crap.

Uncle Marty is so in touch with his feelings.

It's like he's completely self-actualized.

He's a dumb ass.

Now, Red, honey, I, I don't think that you're really mad at Marty.

I think you are just going through one of the five stages of dealing with death.

What are you talking about?

There are five stages.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Kitty, I've got two stages.

Anger and drinking.

Eric, I don't care what you said to your grandmother, you did not kill her.

I did, Donna. I killed her.

She was old and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.

Have you talked to Red about this?

I'm not talking to my dad about this.

Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? And this is, like, twice as bad.

Well... I don't really want to talk about this anymore.

Eric, you need to talk about this.

Donna, we don't talk about things in the Forman family.

It's not like your house, where every time you have a "feeling", your dad gives you a big hug and a gold star.

I'm just trying to help you here. Well, I don't...

Talking isn't gonna help me, okay?

What's gonna help me is, like, drinking.

Well, now you're just being stupid.

Hey, Forman, let's go get wasted.

Oh. Great.

See? Hyde's a real friend.

He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.

Your grandma's dead?

Oh, man, um... let's go get wasted.

Wow. Yeah...

As fellow human beings, not brothers... human beings, how do you feel?

What the hell is wrong with you?

I got away from this family. I'm not afraid of my feelings.

Well, I am.

Okay, now, who would like a Monte Cristo?

Oh, Kitty, groovy sandwiches.

No red meat, right?

Oh, no. Just ham.

You know, Marty, we really should talk about Ma's funeral.

Oh. Don't worry. It's on me.

It's not a round of beers. We'll split the cost.

Sweet Red.

So generous.

Even when you're low on funds.

I just want what's best for Mom.

Yeah, Marty, that's... that's what we all want.

It's just that when I feel bad...

I don't cry like a little girl.



Forman, relax, okay?


Uh, we're gonna need a pitcher and four glasses, please.

I'm gonna need to see some ID.

Of course. I have mine right here but the rest of the fellas left theirs back at the military base.



Uh, so, you're in the military.

What base are you from?

It's a secret military base.

I'm Charlotte, and this is my sister, Charlene.

Hi, I'm... Ted.

Sgt. Shaft.

You can call me Honcho.

I am Eric Forman.

Oh, uh, Sally, put that on our tab.

And bring everybody a round of shots.

What is going on?

They're picking us up.

Ay, no!

No, it's a good thing.

Oh, okay.

Excuse me, fellas, but we need to talk to the ladies.

Yeah, well, these ladies are with us, okay?

Well, they came here with us, okay? Great.

Get lost. They are trying to pick us up.

I think you've had quite enough firewater there, chief.

Hey, you mess with Eric Forman and you mess with me.

Are you looking for trouble?

Oh, yes.

Oh, I'm looking for trouble.

Anybody else? Eh?

Well, there's three of us, so yeah.

So, where were we?

Oh, yes. You were picking me up.

Well, now, where is Eric?

It's 2:00 a.m. I'm worried sick.

Eric is acting out.

He doesn't have the emotional tools to deal with this tragedy.

You're an emotional tool, Marty.

Now, who would like lemon bundt cake?

Where the hell have you been?

Um, I went to a bar.

Eric, have you been drinking?

No. I've been fighting.

Oh, my Lord.

Eric, it's okay.

Just let the feelings out.

Put them back in there, Eric.

You know, when a father and son...

Marty, you are this close to a headlock.


Eric, just because there has been a tragedy in the family it's no reason to act crazy.

My son getting in a bar fight like... like, some kind of bar-fighter.

Kitty, stop cooking... and go to bed.

Okay, all right.

When the timer goes off... one of you better take that roast out of the oven or there will be hell to pay.

Sit down, Eric.

Don't drink that, put it on your eye.

Come on, I'm kidding.

So... this is beer.

And as much as we all miss Bernice we must remember that she is now in a far better place.

You don't have to die to get to a better place, man.

Just drive 50 miles in any direction.

Shut up, Hyde.

Are you okay?

I don't know, Michael.

It's just that death is so unexpected.

And we are such fragile beings, never knowing when the flame of our lives will be blown out by the wind of death.


I am so turned on, aren't you?

Okay. Car? Let's go.

Coat room. Better.


I know we had our differences.

Uh, I married Red and, and you hated me.

Um, well, uh, just try to be nicer to God.

Life is so complicated.

You get old and die.

Thank God I'm still young and hot.

Man, I can't believe they're just gonna throw that ring away.

Ah! No. I can't.

Oh, my God, there is a body in here.

Well, Ma...

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, sorry, those should be closed.

Hey. Oh, God, you got a black eye.

It looks pretty hot.

Well, you should see the other guy.

Did you really lay him out?

No, I mean, he was huge.

I mean, you should just... you should have seen him.

The fact that I even took the punch is a testament to how tough I really am.

Ow. Ooh, sorry.


Look, Donna, I'm sorry... about the other night. I was acting crazy and, um...

And I'm completely over it now.

I mean, you just... you can't dwell on these things.

So you had a heart-to-heart with Red?

Hell, no.

So you're still just suppressing everything.

Sure beats dealing with it now, right? Yeah.


I'm really sorry your mom died.

It's, like, sad and stuff.


Pretty great funeral, huh?

Red, I'm sorry about your mom, man.

And I'm sorry Kelso's an idiot.

Mr. Red, always remember... a mother's goodness is carried down forever by her sons.

Have you met my sister, Marty?

Hey, what's all this stuff?


My dad was an amateur photographer.

Had his own darkroom.


Hey, Forman, you have any naked pictures of your grandma?


You do now.

Hey! My old train set.

Your train set?

That was our train set.

Well, really, it should have been mine.

You never played with it, right?


do you want to keep the trains?

If you don't want them.

It's not about me.

It's about what you want.

Make an honest declaration of your needs.

Would you cut the crap?

Just say to me, "Marty, I want the trains."


I'd be glad to hang on to them for you.

Are you asking me for them?


Fine. Then I'll keep them.

Fine. Go ahead and keep them. I don't want the damn things.

Kitty, you go in there and tell that bastard to give me my trains.

Red, it's your problem.

I gotta make a pie.

Oh, well, now see.

Marty left you the trains.

Yeah, he did.

And he even set it up right.

See, the stations are all spread out. Uh-huh.

Five stops, five times the fun.

But if he thinks he's playing with them when he visits he's got another think coming.

Now, Red, you have to share with your brother.

I don't wanna.


I am gonna go make a coffee cake.

Hey, Dad, nice trains.


You know, I can't believe... that your grandma held on to them all these years.

I thought she'd thrown them away.

Yeah, she was a good egg, Grandma.

Yes, she was.

You know, when I was a little boy, I hated peaches and Mom knew that.

So, uh, whenever she made a peach pie... she'd make a little blueberry pie.

Special, just for me.

You know, she was the first one to call me Red.

And the last time I saw her...

I didn't...

I didn't say, I love you...

I didn't even say good bye.

I said, "Show me the tail lights."

Dad, um... the last thing I said to her was, "It wouldn't kill you to be nice."

But I think it did, because she died.

That could only happen to you, son.

It's okay.

I know.

What's the matter, Kitty?

I'm all out of eggs...

and flour.

Come here.

Eric, come here.

Hey, do you think these diamonds are real?

Oh. Family moment. I'll leave you three alone.

I'm just gonna wait over here.

I'm really sorry that our last conversation didn't go so smooth.

But, um, look, that is not how I feel about you at all.

Then why did you kill me, Eric?

I'll never forgive you.

What the hell are you doing out here?

Freezing my nads off for a joke, man.