That '70s Show S1E24 Script

Hyde Moves In (1999)

Guys, can we do something besides cruise?

It's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.

You know what we could do?

We could go skinny-dipping...


That's the way God intended.

No way!

Why not? It'd be fun.

Well, sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you get to look at us, and that's a treat.

But we just get to look at you, and that's nasty.

So, you don't wanna do it?

I don't care. I'll do it.


Okay, I'm in.

Naked is dirty. j& Dirty, dirty, dirty j& Dirty, dirty, dirty j& Dirty, dirty, dirty j& Dirty, dirty, dirty dirty, dirty, dirty j&

Oh, this was such a great idea, Michael.

This was so much fun.

Oh, wait.

Except for the part where our clothes got stolen, you idiot.

By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.

Thank you.

It is the blessed virgin of Yorba Linda.

Did you want to see her dance?


Look, guys, we need a plan.

I'm about to drive up to the house with a car full of naked people.

They hate you guys when you're dressed.

We can go to my house.

Yeah, your mom is used to having naked guys around.

She's not even home, you moron.

Ow, ow, ow.

Put on the Top 40.

Whoa! Sit down, Fez.

I see London. I see besticle.

Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Tuck it in.

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Pork chops?

I thought we agreed to stick to a budget.

Pork chops aren't cheap.

Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat.

But they are just so darn speedy.


The plant's gonna be closing soon.

I mean, we have to watch our money.

Well, maybe I could put you on the sugar diet.

That'd save money.

Sugar diet?

Sweet, huh?

See, that's perfect.

Give me another spoonful.

Tasty and cheap.

Now, when I say cheap...

I mean, you know. Not...

Shut up.

So this is your home?


Oh, this explains a lot of your behavior.

Come on, man. This place is great.

It's better than Forman's basement.

That's a color TV, and I just got new vice grips.

Now we can watch any channel we want.

Hyde, your mom really just ran off with some trucker?

No, Forman, I made it up because it sounds so classy.

Why would she just run off with some trucker?

It's springtime.

Love is in the air, man.

Right. And she just left you here alone?

I realize this is hard for you to get your head around, Opie, but you're failing to see the upside here.

We've got food, we've got beer, we have zero adult supervision.

Welcome to Camp Naughty-Bad-Fun.

Jackie, you couldn't find anything?

No offense, Hyde, but all your mother's clothes are whorey.


Oh, but they look great on you, Donna.

Thanks, Jackie.

Michael, can you please take me home?

Look, I think I caught something at the reservoir.

Like an eel?

Not that, you idiot.

I think I'm sick.

Oh, I caught an eel.

But, Midge, why do you have to have your Woman Warrior meetings here every week?

Because none of the other feminists' husbands will let them.

Boy, those bastards.

I know!

Bob, these meetings have really opened my eyes.

For example, the English language is so oppressive to women.

I mean, why is it mailman and not mailwoman?

Why do they even call the mail mail?

Why not call it femail?

Yes. You see, Bob, now you're thinking.

No, I'm not. I'm just being funny because it's stupid.


Then that's why you're part of the problem.

My wife is a maniac.

Oh, I'm sorry. A wo-maniac.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know anyone else was in here.

You must be Midge's husband.

I guess.

She's a real gung-ho woman warrior.

You must be very proud.

I guess.

Well, call me old-fashioned, but when I see you sitting there eating a sandwich, it makes me darn tootin' mad.

I mean, I think a married man who provides for his family deserves to come home to a hot meal.

You're neat.

Eric, I thought I told you to wash up for dinner.

I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

Get a move on.

Oh, Red...

You need to relax.

Anger is bad for the soul.

It's Fez, right? Yes.

Get out. Okay.

Come on. Wash up.

Hey, Dad, um...

Can I talk to you for a second?


Do you think that Hyde could stay for dinner?

Eric, again?

I can't afford to feed your friends.

I can't even afford to feed you, but the law requires me to.

Look, his mom's out of town.

All right.

But you have to fill up on bread.

And the two of you are splitting a pork chop.

Thanks, man.

Ah, no problem.

So, you do know you're not getting any of that pork chop, right?

Is that so?

Michael, go away. I'm sick.

I don't have any makeup on.

My hair's a mess. And I look hideous.

Jackie, come on, I don't care what you look like.

I just want to see you.


Well, 'cause you're my girlfriend.

And I got you a present.


Michael, that is so sweet.

Oh, it's the sweetest thing ever.

Let me hold it.


Thank you, Lover.

Mom, Mom, Mom?

Yeah, I couldn't help but notice that you're not home yet.

Oh, is that right?

Okay, great. Yeah.

No, no, no, you know.

Whatever makes you happy.

Hey, Forman. Hi.

Come on in. Make yourself at home.

I'm out of beer, but if you want, you can break something.

Actually, I had my eye on the phone, so...

Hey, what's that?

Its crackers with ketchup on top for, uh...

You know, for zest.

Okay. Well, I'm just gonna guess that Edna's not coming back.

No, man. She's just been delayed a little bit.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. Didn't there used to be a TV there?

Yeah. I pawned it.

You pawned your mom's TV?

Hyde, she's not coming back.

Okay, she's not coming back. All right?

So, what are... What are you gonna do?

Sell the house.

You rent.

I guess I'm in more trouble than I thought.

No, Hyde...

No, Hyde, I'm serious here!

You need help, my friend.

You would need help.

I'll be fine.

Cool, I brought you this sandwich.

Fine. I'll take your sandwich.

After this, no more help.

Hyde's mom is gone, and he is going downhill.

I mean, he's sitting over there in the dark eating ketchup off crackers.

I ate gum off a parking meter once.

But it was on a dare.

I made a dollar.

Man, there's some suckers out there.


Crackers and ketchup are "K" words, which makes them naturally funny.

Oh, my God, I can feel, like, all the molecules in my body.

I'm gonna count them.

One, two, three...

You guys disgust me.

Doesn't anyone care about Hyde?

Oh, my God. Run, Scooby. Now. Run.

You know what's freaking me out?

I saw Jackie sick, without makeup.

It was like the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my entire, entire life, including the class trip to the sausage factory.

Ugh, if I never see the inside of another cow, it will be too soon.


18, 19...

I have the biggest hands in the world!

Damn it. One, two...

So his mom's gone, and I know he doesn't want any help.

But the Donner party didn't get any help, and then, I mean, they ate each other, so...

Hey, don't bogart that jerky.

Yeah, no parents would be cool.

Like the Lord of the Flies.

Kelso, did you ever finish Lord of the Flies?




Look, what are we gonna do about Hyde?

I think we should tell someone.

What am I gonna do about Jackie?

I can't even look at her.

She's unpleasant when she's healthy, so I can only imagine how she looks like that.

Hey, Kelso, Jackie's...

Jackie's my friend, and you're shallow, and pathetic.

And you know what else?

My hands are huge!

They're like boxing gloves.

I am the greatest.

Okay, champ, whatever you...

Oh, hello, Bob.



Bob, what are you doing?

Nothing. We were just talking.

These Jordan almonds are for the feminists.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Come on, Sharon. I saved you a seat on the Ottoman.

Oh, I mean otto-woman!

I'm sick of baloney.

I want a new sandwich.

Oh, Eric, I'm sure she's not abandoning Steven.

She's his mother.

Mom, her exact words were, "I know I'm your mother, "but I'm abandoning you, Steven."

Well, that doesn't sound very good.

No, siree. Red?

Look, Eric, you know I'd love to help Steven.

I'm a giver...

But you can't squeeze blood from a stone, son.

Well, you know, we could...

We could just pop over there just to check up on him.

No, I'm not going over there. That's final.

I am not Santa Claus.

Well, thank God you're not Santa Claus, Red.

You scare the hell out of children.

Go away, Michael.

Jackie, please?

I really need to talk to you.

I want to apologize for screaming when I looked at you the other day.

It's just...

You looked really gross.

But I've been doing a lot of thinking.

And... And I realized something.

I realized that just because you look bad now, that doesn't mean you're gonna look bad forever.

I mean, I just saw your mom downstairs, and even though she's pretty old, she's really hot!

And that gives me hope for the future.

Oh, Michael.

Let me finish.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

That I realize that this whole mess, that's just a temporary thing.

But physical beauty, that lasts forever.

Oh, that is so true.

Ooh. Later, baby.




And I tell 'em I could sell 'em the cheaper one, but it'll wind up costing 'em more in the long run.

Which is a mathematical impossibility, but, uh, they buy it anyway.

I just love a man who's passionate about his work.

Oh, come here.

You've got a little something right there.

Oh, Donna. This is Sharon.

She's part of your mom's feminist group.

She hates men, too.

Well, I should be getting back to the meeting.

Why you all dressed up?

I'm not dressed up. This is California casual.

There's nothing going on here.

Everything is fine between your mother and me.


Look, Donna, can't a man have a conversation with an attentive woman without getting the third degree?

Sure, Dad.

All right.

Apology accepted.

Now be a good girl and sneak in there and get Daddy some of those Jordan almonds.

Well, no, Dad. Those are for the feminists.

Oh, God, they got to her, too.

You, um...

You need a coffee table.

Yeah, that'd really pull the room together.

Steven, I was... I was gonna clean your kitchen for you, but, um, frankly...

I'm afraid.

Well, looks like he's got everything under control.

Kitty, I'll be in the car.


Steven, why don't you go to your room and gather some clothes, and I'll do a load of wash for you at our house.


Well, we can't let him live like this.

Kitty, he'll be fine.

I mean, compared to Korea, this place is Shangri-La wrapped in happy fun candy.

You know I'd like to help him.

We don't have the money.

Well, I suppose we could call social services.

Yeah. See, now, that's sensible.

Yeah, they'll know what to do. Yes.

After all, they take thousands of cases every year.

So many, in fact, that they have to house them in gymnasiums...


With no heat.

Damn it.

I am tired of being Santa Claus.

Steven, you get your together and you get your ass in the damn car.

We're going.

Now, damn it!


You are just the sweetest man alive.

You know, Red really yelled at me, Forman.

Yeah. Um, get used to that.

This blows, man.

When I was living at home, I didn't have to answer to anybody.

I made my own rules.

You screwed me, Forman.

I told you this is none of your business.

Steven, Eric, here's your cocoa.

Thanks, Mrs. Forman.

Thanks, Mom.

You're lucky I don't kick your ass.

Are you gonna eat your cookies?

Oh, that's it. I gotta get a tattoo.

Please don't.

That's incredible!

But disgusting.


That's incredible and disgusting.

Do you wanna see her pick up a dime?


How about a quarter? No!