That '70s Show S1E25 Script

The Good Son (1999)

Wow. Thanks, Mrs. Forman.

You know, we never had waffles at my house.

My mom always said a waffle iron was a luxury.

Like, um, pillow cases or not getting hit.

Man, this is so cool.

Well, you are welcome, Steven.

See, Eric, I told you I was cool.

Eric, did you tell your mother that she's not cool?

What? Well, I mean... Stop telling your mother she's not cool.

Fine. Mom, you're super fly.

Thanks, honey.

Steven, would you like maple syrup or blueberry syrup?

You have syrup? Oh...

Man, I love it here.

And we love having you here, man.

You're like the brother I never had.

I mean, I have a sister, but I hate her.

So, this is great.

Eric, after breakfast I want you to rake the yard.

Rake? But, Dad, I was gonna...

I'll do it.

Okay, Steven.

Oh, my God...

I love my new brother!

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah

j& Hello, Wisconsin! j&

Hey, Kitty, look who's back in town.

Oh, my God...


Bull MacCrakin. I thought you were in Chicago.

Nope. I came back to Point Place to steal you away from this old S-O-B.

Hey, Bull, you still, uh... You with Wendy?

Oh, no, no, no, I got married.

Wendy was a couple dozen ladies ago.

Well, now, boy, that is a lot of ladies.


You remember when our destroyer got strafed...

...and you got four chunks of hot shrapnel right in the knee?

Five. I still limp when it rains.

Yeah... great times.

The greatest.

It is popping.

Help me. It is popping in my mouth.

Fez, they're Pop Rocks, okay?

That's what they do. They pop.

Hey, Jackie, you know what would be cool to do with these in your mouth?

Oh, hey, Donna, look, everyone's here.

And I thought we'd be all alone.


Oh, I get it.

They want to make out.

Psst. For her pleasure.

Well, if I cannot watch them make out, can I watch you two make out?

Yeah, sure. Michael!

Uh, I mean, no, Fez.

I don't know about you but...

McHale's Navy makes me feel extra sexy.


Hey, take it outside. I've got to do my homework here, Frenchie.

Good one.

Now get out.

No, I'm serious, man. Your mom just found out I failed a test.

Did she yell at you?


But she said she was really disappointed.

And then, before I knew what I was doing, I told her I'd try harder.



Oh, Okay. Now, here...

I brought you a sandwich to help you study.

Thanks, Mrs. Forman. Mmm-hmm.

Eric, Steven is studying. Don't bother him.

Why don't you and Donna go up to your bedroom?


I mean, no, no. Bad idea.

Just go outside to a, a well-lit supervised area and talk politely like decent young adults.

Gee, whizz, that sounds super, Mom.

Here's a crazy idea.

Why don't you do the dishes, Bob?

Why don't I do the dishes? I work all day.

I meditate all day.

Why don't you meditate over the sink and wash the dishes?

Donna, will you tell your father he's a jackass?

Donna, your mother was fine until she met those feminists and started thinking.

Well, excuse me, Bob. But I'm not happy!

Really? Really? Well, I'm ecstatic!

You better watch out, Eric.

'Cause it's all fun when you're making out on the couch but then they get bigger and bitchier!

Uh, no offense, honey.

You're not gonna get bitchier, are you?

Shut up.

Oh, no.

Well, Bull, I can't believe you finally settled down with a nice girl.

Oh, well, he may have settled down all right, but I'm not that nice.

You know, Red, I noticed in the paper that your plant's closing down.

Yeah, you can't compete with those damn foreign cars.

I tell you, if I'd seen this coming, I'd have shot a little straighter during the war.

You know...

I'm opening another hot tub store right here in Point Place.

And, I'm telling you pal, you've always got a job with me if you want it.

I don't know, though, Bull.

You know, uh... this thing's pretty hot.

That jet just hit me right in the keister.

Yeah, believe it or not, some people like that.

Wanna ease back on the hooch there, Kitty?

You're getting a little loose.

Oh, I am just... I'm just happy.

It's like... It's like a bath.

Only it's outside.

It's fun!

You got a real nice setup here.

I sure do like that Corvette of yours.

Oh, yeah, I baby that thing.

You remember when we got back from Korea, we were both gonna buy them?


I never did get that Corvette. Got two kids instead.

Kids. That's great.


I sure did want that Corvette.

Okay, you're done cleaning the garage. Let's play some ball.

Hang on, man. I gotta take out the trash.

You know, Hyde, seeing you work hard and take pride in what you do...

I lost a lot of respect for you, man.

You used to be my hero.

My lazy American hero.

Don't listen to them, Hyde. I think it's great you're doing all my chores.

Whoa, Eric, great job on the garage.


Hyde did it.

Yeah, well, I should have known.

It's actually clean.

Nice going. Thanks, Red.

What did you do?

I... love you.

Well, I love you, too.

Dinner, kids.

Okay, now, that was Bull on the phone and he has invited us to a party on Saturday night.


What's wrong?

Well, it's just that...

I look at what Bull has and I look at what I have and...

I wonder if I made a few wrong turns, Kitty.

Well, maybe you'll get a fresh start working for Bull.


I mean, I fought for my country. Mmm-hmm.

I deserve a Corvette.

Okay, here we all are. Mmm.

So, honey, how did you do on your history paper?

Oh, well... History not being...

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I was talking to Steven.

Well, I must say, all that studying really paid off.

Oh, yeah? What did you get a "D"?


A "C" minus.

Way to go.

I got a "B."

You couldn't get an "A"?

Oh, honey, don't listen to your father.

You did super.

And, Steven, you did super-duper.

Why does he get a "duper"?

Because we expect more from you.

Give me a break, Forman. I don't have a mommy.

Don't sweat it, Eric.

You can only be as smart as God made you.

Or didn't.

All right, Laurie, didn't you just flunk out of college?

Hey, get bent, twerp. Wear a bra!

Can we please not fight?

"Can we please not fight?"

Can you please not suck?

Good one, Eric. Thank you.

All right, everybody shut up.

Now, we're gonna have a nice dinner.

And Eric, you try to be more like Steven.

Where's Hyde?

Mom and Dad are giving him a bath.

No, really.

I don't know, who cares. Shut up.

I'm watching TV. I hate you.

You're just jealous, right? Because you're not number one anymore.

Well, if I'm not number one, guess who's number three?

So your parents have brought a new bundle of joy into your home.

And you might feel like your parents don't love you anymore.

But that's not true.

They simply love you less.

You see, your parents only have so much love to go around.

Here's how your parents' love was distributed before the new arrival.

And here it is after.

But what can you do about it?

Well, you could run away.

Ho-ho! As if they'd come and look for you.

Say, here's something you can do.

Think of all the good times you've had with your family.

Because they're all over now.

Okay, here we go. Scotch rocks.

Scotch rocks. And a mango margarita.

He was in the National Guard.


Oh, you know, I almost forgot.

I'm gonna need your car keys.

How drunk do you think I'm gonna get, huh?

Hopefully, drunk enough.

My wife's got my keys.

You know, Bull, if you were serious, I'll take that job.

You got it. It'll be just like old times.

I mean, except for the killing.

Midge, I need my keys.

Sharon, hi.

Honey, you remember Sharon.

Uh, no.

Sharon, is it?

You are so funny. How do you keep your hands off him?

I don't know. I just do.

So my parents are, like, fighting all the time and they want me to choose sides.

But I can't because they're both idiots.

I don't know. I mean, I really think they're gonna get a divorce.

My God, Donna, I am so sorry.

But you know what? That very thing happened to a good friend of mine... and now she has twice as much stuff...

and twice as much clothes.

And her parents even fought over who got to buy her a car.

I mean, you're right, Jackie.

I mean, this divorce thing could actually work to my advantage.


Yeah, I just have to make it very clear that my love is contingent on how much they buy me.

Why am I even talking to you about this?

You have a great handle on it.

Excuse me, um...

Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?


Cheerleading camp.

You almost done there, Hazel?

See, that's funny 'cause Hazel is a maid.

Or you could have called him Alice, too.

Shut up, Fez.

So, pretty tough with that scrubber in your hand, huh?

Yeah, I know. Hyde, Red and Kitty aren't even here.

I mean, you're kissing phantom butt.

You know what, Forman?

I used to think Red was a real hard-ass, but, after doing your chores for the last five days, I've come to the conclusion that you're just a lazy, spoiled brat.


Hazel never talked like that.


Hey, that's not fair. You've been doing them for five days.

Try 16 years, man.

You know, I guess I'm just grateful.

Well, stop it.

You're making me look bad.

Plus you've become, like, a total drag to hang out with.

Hey, that ever happened to the psychotic troublemaker we all know and love?

Look, put down the dishes and start doing something stupid and senseless right now.

Forman, I'm a guest here.

Then fine.

I guess I will have to do something stupid.

Hey, hey.

I know something stupid we can do.

You got a bowling ball?


And they're arguing and arguing and arguing.

Okay... no offense, Donna... but all this talk about your mom and dad fighting... well, it's boring me.

Really? Well, talking about your hair was fascinating.

Hold it by the thumbhole.

Okay, what are those idiots doing?

Something idiotic.

Let's go find out.

Don't be such a baby. We just want to see how high it'll bounce.

Nothing bad can happen.

Okay. Forman, man, think.

You are listening to Kelso.

Don't do it. Wait, wait, wait.

Now you're telling me what to do?

Enough talk. Do it.


See, I never even thought of that.

Later. Thank you.

See you. Bye.

Ah, maybe they won't notice.

Okay, Kitty, it's your turn. Pick a key.

Oh, my gosh, there are so many, I can't tell which ones are ours.

Kitty, you don't pick your key because then you'd go home with your own husband.

And who wants that?

Oh, I, um...


But the whole point of a key party is to meet new and interesting people and have sex with them.

Oh, my God.

You're swingers.

Red, honey, it's, it's time to leave.

Now? I'm having a good time.

Um, I left the iron on. And the stove.

I, I... I left the iron on, on the stove which is also on. And that... It can't be safe.

Kitty, what's wrong with you?

Oh, Red, look whose keys I've got.

Oh, dear Lord.

You lucky bastard.

Bite her earlobes, she loves that.

What the hell are you talking about?

Red, you do know that this is a wife-swapping party, right?


Are you telling me you want to sleep with my wife?


I'll take a run at any one of these ladies.

What the hell's wrong with my wife?

Nothing, Red, it's just done random so that it's fair. That's all.

Jesus, Bull...

I thought I knew you.

You do. Red, I'm the same guy who's got shrapnel in my...

No, no.

Good night.

Come on, Bob. They're swingers.


Well, it took a really weird hop.

Why would you drop a bowling ball on the couch?

What good could come of it?

Well, Okay. Hindsight being... Eric.

I don't want to hear any more of your dumbass excuses.

This is the most irresponsible, idiotic thing you have ever done.

Actually, Red, I did it.


No, no, no. Dad, Hyde's just covering for me. I did it.

Hey, Forman, stop.

Red, it was me.

No. It was me.

Well, guess what? I don't care!

You're both idiots.

And if you have to get a job digging ditches, you are gonna buy me a new TV.

Now get out of my sight.

Yes, sir. All right.


I could've had a Corvette!

Oh, Red.

No, Kitty, damn it, I'm pissed.

I mean, Bull's a freako pervert and he gets everything he wants.

I work hard, I raise a family, and what do I get?

A bowling ball in my TV.

You know what I've got?

Your keys.

I want a big TV.

A big one. This one's on sale.

That's last year's model.

And my TV's gonna be new.

What about that one?

No remote.

My TV's gotta have a remote.

Oh-ho-ho! Look at this. Twenty-six-inch screen.

I didn't even know they made them that big.

Dad, your old TV wasn't that big.

No. But my new TV's gonna be that big.