That '70s Show S1E4 Script

Battle of the Sexists (1998)

I'm waiting.

Forget it.

Just say it and she'll go home.


You're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee.

Thank you. Now, Michael, call me tonight at 8:00.

But that's when Chico and the Man is on. I know.

But I like it when you describe it to me.

Oh, do your Chico impersonation.

I don't think these guys really want to hear my...

Sure we would. Go ahead, Michael. By all means. Please.

All right.

Looking good!

I love this!

Hey, Kelso, quick question.

Why can't you date someone a little less annoying?

Like who?

What about Barbara Vansen? She's just as annoying as Jackie.

Yeah, but her boobs are huge. So?

Do you find that annoying?

Pam Macy.

Now she's got some knockers, baby.

True, but they're not bigger than Barbara's.

Yeah, they are. You're dreaming.

It's like comparing Exodus and Deuteronomy, both of which have taught us very valuable lessons.

Oh. Hi, Dad.

Damn dryer's broken.

Ah, nuts. I need my vice grips.

Have you seen Pam in a tube top?

It's like you're looking at the Grand Tetons.

In a tube top.

Look, the issue isn't, are Pam's big, right?

The issue is, are they bigger than Barbara's?

Because Barbara's are bigger than the walls of Jericho, which, as we all know, came tumbling down, right?

Hello, Mrs. Forman. Hi. Eric, did your father come down here?

Yeah, he's fixing the dryer. Oh, dear.

You know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he spends all his time fixing things.

Things that don't need fixing.

Things I need. Things I use. Things I love.

I gotta go hide the crock pot.

Sounds like your dad is losing it.

If he's like this now, he's gonna be a total headcase if they shut down the plant.

He's going to be this pathetic guy with breasts the size of watermelons!

Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Kelso, go home.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Forman has the ball.

He fakes left. He fakes right. The crowd is on their feet!

They're chanting, "Forman! Forman!"

That's game.

I've got winners. No, I've got to go.

It's almost 8:00, and I've got to call Jackie.

Looking good!

Shut up.

Pinciotti has the ball. Forman guards her closely.

She tries to shake him, but she can't.

Pinciotti actually scores! Hell freezes over!

A monkey types Hamlet! One nothing.

Losers out.

Pinciotti, the underdog, up by five.

She fakes right. She fakes left. She fakes right, then left.

She fakes faking right and fakes left. Now she's actually...

Donna, what are you doing? Running out the clock.

There is no clock.


And that's game! Man, what a slaughter.

I just wiped the court with you, from one end to the other.

I gotta go inside, but I'll leave the light on.

I don't want you to gloat in the dark.

Well, hey, Eric, don't you want your balls back?

Okay, now look, that's a little uncalled for.

Oh, uh, yeah. Thanks.

Is this table wobbling?

I don't think so.

No, it's definitely wobbling.

Well, honey, anything will wobble if you shake it hard enough.

Give me a hand, Eric. We're gonna flip this table over.

Honey, we're eating. We're eating.

Yeah, let's just put a sugar packet under it.

Sugar packet?

That's what's wrong with this country, Eric.

Nobody wants to roll up their sleeves and work.

They're all looking for their sugar-packet solution.

Well, not me. I'm getting the saw.

Mom, has Dad gone crazy?

I'm afraid so, dear.

Donna beat you in basketball?

Is this true, Eric?


What, is that a big deal?

Of course not.

Unless Donna happens to be, you know, a girl.

Especially a girl you love.

You know, in my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you.


Yes, but this is America, wuss.

Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss. Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss.

Kelso. Kelso!

Would you stop that?

Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss!

Wait, wait, wait. What about Kelso?

I mean, Jackie has him totally whipped.

Whipped like the family pig.

I am not pig-whipped.

Where do you even get that stuff?

Are you kidding?

Michael, call me at 8:00.

Michael, do your Chico impression.

Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.

Please, someone else talk now.

I think we got it. That's lovely, Red.

Solid as a rock. It sure is. Thank you.

Now, um...

Why don't you go watch TV while I get lunch ready?

Kitty, take your hand off of that melon.

You know, you haven't gone fishing...

Kitty, take your hand off that melon.

Well, I gotta get back to work.

Midge, this table is a little wobbly.

Stick some sugar packets under it, will you?


Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Donna, it's for you.


You beat Eric at basketball! How could that happen?

So I beat Eric at basketball. What's the big deal?

Eric will never be your boyfriend if you keep beating him at stuff.

Okay, it is like in West Side Story.

Now, if Maria beat Tony at one-on-one, they would have never fallen in love.

Yeah, and Tony never would have been killed in that knife fight.

And neither will Eric if you're not careful.

No. Don't worry about it. Someone will stab Eric. Bye.

Honey, I think your annoying friend is right.

What? Certain things change.

Eric and I have been playing games our whole lives.

And sometimes he wins and sometimes I win.

No, I mean the rules change.

Women have to pretend to be weak and fragile so that men can feel superior.

That's insane.

If women don't learn to stand up for themselves, men will always control the world.

Oh, honey, men don't control the world.

Shush! Okay, I'll see you later.

Honey, could you open this jar for me?

Sure thing, pudding.

I'm so lucky to have my big, strong grizzly bear around.

First of all, yuck.

Second, things don't even work like that anymore.

That's what the Equal Rights Amendment is for.

That's good, dear. You stick to your principles.

And 40 years from now, you can tell all your cats how you won a basketball game.

Okay, she was going like, "That is so gross!"

And I went like, "It takes one to know one!"

And she was, like, "Nuh-uh."

And I went, "Yeah, uh-huh."


Man, are you still on the phone? Come on, let's go.

I can't. The movie starts in five minutes. Let's go.

I can't.


Jackie, hold on.

Okay, I'll tell her there's an emergency, and I gotta go.

She'll buy that, right?

Yeah, except for one thing.

Jackie? Jackie?

Don't be her whipped pig. Yeah, look, she hung up on you. Let's go. You call her later, okay?

Yeah, she hung up on me. Let's go.

Yeah! Way to be, way to be. - That's right.

Do you want to play air hockey? With you?

I'd love to, but I'm kind of tired, and my wrist hurts, and I think I'm coming down with the flu.

Well, it's just as well. I'm pretty bad at it.

You know, one game isn't going to kill me. Okay.

You serve first. Okay.

Whoa! No way you could stop that.

That was going so fast, you couldn't even see that.

I saw that.


Well, that's game.


That's great.

Are you okay with that? Sure.


Crud. No. Now look.

We'll get rid of these chairs and we will sit on the floor like those nice Japanese people in Flower Drum Song.

I'll have to make new legs for that damn thing.

I'll be in the garage if you need me.

Okay, now, you take your time and you do a good job.

You call me if you need anything.


I mean, if...

Is it me, or is that refrigerator too loud?

What refrigerator?

Red, there is no noise.

There is no noise. j& You'll be swell j& You'll be great j& Gonna have the whole world on a plate j&

Hey, nice shot. Thanks.

You want to play? I don't know.

Okay, why not?

Look, game's to 21. I'll take it out first.

Have you been practicing?

Well, a little.

My goodness, what a super shot.

Donna, what are you doing?

I'm losing to you, you big, strong grizzly bear.

Donna, you're intentionally throwing the game.

I'm throwing the game? Donna!

I didn't want you to feel bad about losing to a girl again.

Well, thanks, 'cause being pitied is so much better.

God, I can't believe you care about this.

All I did was beat you at a few lousy games.

A few? No, two. Try two lousy games. Not a few. Two.

And I don't care. So please leave my property.

As long as you don't care.


Have you been standing there the whole time?

No, I came out to get one of your father's tools.

He's in there working on my refrigerator.

So I gather you and Donna are going through a rough patch.

No, Mom, we're in a school play about two people who hate each other.

Oh. Okay, Mr. Smartmouth, but when you get older, you are going to realize that it's pretty silly to get upset about losing a game to your girlfriend.

You know what? I don't want to talk to you about this.

Well, you know what? I don't want to talk to you about this.

But I will tell you one thing.

Your father and I have played many games over the years, and we never kept score and we always had fun.

Now what did I come out here for?


Your father's fixing my refrigerator.

Red, honey, forget the refrigerator.

There's something wrong with the garage door.


We need to talk.

And I am over here.

Oh God. What am I gonna do?

Well, you could, and I know this is a radical suggestion, but be a man?

You're right, Hyde.

No more excuses.

She will crush him, yes?

Like the spirit of your Mayan forefathers.

My forefathers were not Mayan.

Like anyone cares.

So, Michael.

So, Jackie.

I didn't mean to make you hang up on me.

I'm sorry. It will never happen again.

That's okay. You were obviously under a bad influence.


I'm thirsty. Michael, get me a pop.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. I remember saying, be a man, not be a wuss.

I am ashamed to know you.



All right, all those who are getting some, hands up.

Anybody else?

Getting some? Hyde? Fez?


What are you doing?

Oh, just shooting some hoops, waiting for an apology.

Well, when you think of one, I'll be glad to hear it.

Okay, look, we're both acting like jerks. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry, too.

You know, maybe we shouldn't play basketball anymore.

Or any games, for that matter.

Yeah, maybe.

End of an era, huh?

Hey, remember when we were 8 and I beat you at wrestling?

That was fun.

Donna, you sat on my chest and made me eat a clump of dirt.

All right, screw it. You want to just play? Yeah, I do.

Hey, you're not going to make me eat a clump of dirt again, are you?

We'll see.

Forman has the ball. He fakes left, he blows by Pinciotti.

Pinciotti leaps on his back!

What do you want?

Give me the ball! What do you want?

You want it? You want it? You want some of this?

Okay, foul?

So now suddenly we're calling every little thing?

What are you doing? Reaching for a clump of dirt.

No. Don't.

Must reach clump of dirt. Not while I still breathe.

What? Nothing.


You gotta go.

That's my dad. Right.

See you. Bye.

Hey, wait. Who won? I wasn't keeping score.

Cool. Me, neither.

Well, that was pretty sad, Eric.


Come on, I'm going to teach you how to play basketball.

We got four hours till your bedtime, and we are gonna drill, drill, drill.

But I thought that Mom needed your help.

I can't hear you, Eric, I'm ironing.

We'll start you off with 100 squat thrusts.

Dad, we don't even know who won. She did. Now hit it.








Okay. Let's play.

So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right?

But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car.

Isn't that romantic?

Say, "Yes, it is."

Yes, it is.

Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?

"Yes, I do."

Yes, I do.

You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie?

That night we had by the reservoir when we went skinny-dipping.


"No, describe it to me."

No, describe it to me.

Michael, you're so bad.

Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well, you know.

No, I don't know.


Um, Dad, about this table... Eric.

What about the table?

Just that it is so darn great, Red.

I think I ought to shave down the legs.

No, that would just ruin it, Red.

For God's sakes, I know how to cut the legs off a table.

You're telling me.

What was that?

Nothing, sir.