That '70s Show S1E6 Script

The Keg (1998)

Will this day ever end?

Yesterday did. But today's Friday. So, no.

Oh, God, it's Destroy and Giveback.

Yeah, why do they call them that? You're about to find out.

Hey, Foreplay.

Ohh!

I believe this is yours.

You broke his pencil. That was great! And you gave it back.

All right, enough horseplay.

Pipe down.

I said, pipe down!

Now, I've got an announcement before study hall.

Whoever burned their initials in the football field, I hope you're happy with yourself, punk.

There will be no football practice today until we've reseeded.

And I've watched that team, I'm not impressed, boy.

Let me tell you, they need all the practice they can get.

On a happier not...

Eric?

Donna?

Do you need something to do?

Actually, we need to be excused.

Donna and I are taking pictures for the yearbook.

Yeah.

If you say so, Eric.

You wouldn't lie.

Well, I might.

This is great. Eric Forman skips class.

Yeah, well, danger is my middle name.

Why are we moving?

Mommy. What are you guys doing in here?

What are you guys doing in here?

I cut class.

Yeah, right. So was there like a fire drill or something?

No, look, I do bad things.

Look, I've ditched class before.

Is Opie getting angry?

What did I tell you about calling me Opie?

Opie, look out for that keg in the middle of the road!

Wow!

It is a keg.

Of beer.

It must be a sign.

Of beer.

Oh, that's it. I'm cutting class every day.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

How did you find it?

We were driving down the road, man, and there she was.

Oh, it was the beer in the headlights.

That is my first American joke.

Wow. How often do you find a mysterious keg of free beer?

Only once in a while.

You're right, Forman. Man, you are absolutely right.

When God gives you a keg, you've gotta...

Kill a virgin.

No.

Throw a party.

Whoa!

Go for it, Eric.

Yeah, we'll throw a party. Gonna charge 2 bucks a head.

2 bucks a head.

A keg is equivalent to seven cases, that's 168 beers.

If we each drink three beers a piece...

No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe. True.

Yeah. And the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.

So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people. That's 224 bucks.

Cash.

Which is decent.

Okay, grab some ice out of the deep freeze, I'll grab the tub.

That is one sweet mama.

Yeah.

Hey, gang.

Oh, oh, don't mind me.

Just came down to do an emergency presoak on my nurse's uniform.

You remember Mr. Wilbur, the fireman?

Well, he came in today with a sebaceous cyst, which is a, um, a pocket of fluid that's kind of like a pussy bath oil bead under the skin.

And you think it's solid, but if you take an instrument and you pierce the core and then you apply pressure with your thumb...

Well, hi, snicklefritz, what are you doing with the tub?

Oh. The tub.

We were just working on a class project.

We're making a volcano.

Snicklefritz.

Out of ice? Well, I think it might melt.

You heard her. Let's move it, gang.

Okay, well, have fun.

Guys, we've got to get the keg out of here.

Where are we having the party?

Beats me. If you guys need me I'll be with Jackie over at our secret make-out place.

Secret make-out place. It's this vacant house over on Sherman.

I mean, this place is great. It's totally private.

I mean, you can get away with about anything there.

So, if you guys find a place for that keg, let me know.

I've got an idea!

That's a Sylvania, isn't it, Red?

You didn't buy that in my store, did you?

No, Bob, I got a good deal on it.

You got me.

You got me, Red. Yeah.

Well, I am just so excited.

Rich Man, Poor Man.

I missed the first episode.

Here's the irony of the show, Kitty.

The rich, safe guy is boring.

It's the poor, rugged one, played by the very talented Nick Nolte who is so exciting.

Well, super.

Now, who would like a drink?

Ooh!

Let's do daiquiris.

Ooh, I don't know if we have enough ice.

Eric took a whole tub full.

He took a tub of ice?

Oh, the kids are making a volcano.

Right, that's why Donna left with all the plastic cups.

Plastic cups?

Sure, plastic volcano cups.

If I didn't know better, I'd say they were having a kegger.

Oh, jeez!

Let's go, Bob.

Ooh, Rich Man, Poor Man, I love it.

I just hope I don't get too emotional.

Oh, so do I.

Those kids could be anywhere.

Needle, meet haystack.

Look, they left the house in a wood-paneled ocean liner.

We should be able to find them.

Yep, it's a real asphalt jungle out here.

The sun goes down, the rats come out.

I lost my mailbox last year.

Oh, yeah. You know what it is.

The evil spilling over from Sheboygan.

How many stories do you suppose there are in this naked burg?

Eight, Bob. There are eight.

Michael, this is our secret make-out place.

I did not swipe the key from my mother's real estate office so that you could have a party.

I know it's like a bonus.

And I'm doing it for you, baby.

Okay.

Empty pool, empty house, full keg.

You sure know how to show a girl a good time.

Yeah, well, I don't color outside the lines often, but when I do, jump back, Loretta.

I don't care when you ate, Fez, get in the pool now.

If I get a cramp, it will be on your head.

Okay.

Hurry up and drink your keg.

Hurry up and drink a keg?

Jackie, will you just mellow out?

I mean, this rules. We've got a keg, and soon everybody's gonna be here.

Everybody? Everybody who matters.

And for the first time, Jackie, that includes you.

No, get away from me!

You heard her, let's drink beer.

Me first. No way, I spotted it.

No, I saw it, too, I just didn't say anything.

You saw a keg and you didn't say anything?

Back of the line.

All right, how do you get the beer out?

Through the tap. What tap?

No!

Okay, we really need a tap here.

I got my Swiss Army knife.

Oh, great, we can whittle the beer out.

All right, look, they sell taps at the liquor store.

Yeah, and who's got the money to buy it, huh?

Why would I bring money to our secret make-out place, Michael?

Okay, I've got my gas money.

No, Eric, we're not going to take your gas money.

Hey, it doesn't matter.

By the end of the night, we'll have made over $200.

Yeah.

Michael, how are we gonna make $200?

I don't know.

Hey, who's buying the tap?

You buy, I'll fly.

No, Michael, you are... Michael, come back here!

Michael, I'm talking to you. Michael!

Welcome to the pool. I am your host, Fez.

$2, please.

What is going on?

I didn't want to tell you before, Jackie, but we've taken it upon ourselves to help your mom show off the house at 2 bucks a head.

He's lying to Jackie, man.

I lie to Jackie.

You know, it seems to me that the scrawny little neighbor boy is willing to engage in criminal acts for that saucy redhead next door.

Shut up. How do you know he's not doing it to impress his friends?

You know, peer pressure.

Because his friends aren't saucy.

Kelso's saucy.

Kelso? Please, I'm saucier than Kelso.

j& Then the door burst open wide j& And my daddy stepped inside j& And he kissed my mama's face j& And he brushed her tears away j& The night Chicago died j&

Would you turn that damn thing off?

Keep your eyes peeled for that Vista Cruiser.

Okey dokey.

Sorry.

Hey. See you got some new steins here.

Hi, I'm 25.

I know I look young, but my dad asked me to come down here and pick up a tap for his keg.

And, uh, he's 43, so we're both legal. No problem there.

Uh, I'm not gonna be drinking the beer or anything.

'Cause I don't believe in it, but no offense to you.

I think selling liquor is a great thing. Yeah, here you go.

Yeah.

'Cause I'm 25, right? 'Cause you got money.

Yeah, but I am 25.

Don't need to be. Can't drink a tap.

No, I can prove it you. I got my IDs out in the wallet.

Happens all the time. Take care.

Yeah, but I... Leave, now.

Yeah.

Kelshmo. Whatcha got there?

Boy, that was really funny, that thing you did with my name, Kelshmo. I gotta go.

Oh! Aww.

I believe this is yours.

You broke his thing. And you gave it back.

Yeah, that was great! Yeah!

So you see what I'm saying about the poor man?

Yes, you have made your point. Many times.

He's a bad boy, he's had some rough breaks, but he isn't bad in his soul.

Okay. Okay. Enough daiquiris for you.

Kitty, what do you look for in a man?

Oh, well, I'm married.

I'm kind of through looking.

Kitty, you can always look. It helps you to fantasize.

Like. Some nights, I'm doing the news with Walter Cronkite.

Okay, I'm just...

You know, I'm gonna finish your daiquiri.

It's broken. I got duct tape.

Duct tape? Do you know how much pressure runs through that tap?

I got a whole roll of duct tape.

I can't work like this.

Forman, you need to get your dad's tap now.

My dad doesn't have a tap.

Red's got bicentennial swizzle sticks.

He's got fake lemons with real lemon juice.

He's got toothpicks shaped like swords.

Red Forman is a cocktail dad.

And cocktail dads have beer taps.

Yeah, come on, Eric, we never ask you for anything.

You guys ask me for everything.

So, what's one more thing?

No, forget it. I've done enough today already.

Count me out.

Hey, Kelshmo, what, your tap is broken?

Why'd you do something stupid like buy a stupid, broken tap?

What are you, stupid?

It wasn't broken until you broke it.

Oh, man.

Don't beat yourself up. You had no way of knowing.

Anyways, we gave it back. Yeah, broken.

Hey, lay off him, all right? He feels bad enough already.

Oh, he should because he's a moron. What did you say?

I said that you're both morons.

What are you going to do? You're gonna beat me up?

What, you weigh 400 pounds together? It doesn't matter.

The fact is that the tap is broken, and it's your fault.

Morons!

You are so rude.

Give us our 4 bucks back.

Okay. Fez.

Familiar?

Wow, Eric, you just tore their money.

And gave it back. That was great.

That was awesome.

But enough of this levity, wench!

We came here to have a party, and as God is my witness, there will be a party.

Nope, I haven't sold a keg all day, but a young guy did come in for a tap.

Young guy, huh?

Look, they got pina colada in a can.

Bob, we're doing something here.

All right.

You know, I might have heard something about a party.

Can't recall.

Maybe Andrew Jackson could remind me.

Andrew Jackson, huh?

He's not in.

But Abe Lincoln's hanging out with the Washington twins.

Would they have any knowledge of the festivities?

So, a real wisenheimer, huh?

Well, let's see how smart you are when I snap off your head!

Okay, okay, man.

They said something about a vacant house on Sherman.

I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.

Good work, Starsky.

Let's roll.

Everybody in the deep end!

My mother is showing the house!

Now? People work.

Okay, quiet down, everybody.

The deck is new, and this lovely tile walkway leads directly to the pool.

Which is filled with some of the local kids.

Heavily Caucasian.

It's a nice neighborhood.

Sometimes Bob pretends he's poor.

I call him Buster.

He knocks on the door, and I answer it in my teddy.

And he says, "Does the rich lady need any help around the house?"

And I say, "I know a something that needs attending to

"in the bedroom."

I'll spare you the details, but it ends in whoopee.

You know, this is as much fun to make as it is to eat.

You know, speaking of which, how do you get Bob to play those games?

I have a reward system.

Huh?

You know, sometimes Red would wear a sailor's uniform.

Really?

Yeah, but he was in the Navy.

Ooh, kitty.

Does he still have his sailor's uniform?

Oh, no.

Just has the hat.

I stole my dad's tap.

Back from those thieves.

We were worried sick.

You had us driving all over town.

We missed Rich Man, Poor Man.

Excuse us, Red. What are you doing?

We're just gonna grab this keg... Get out of here!

We're not finished with this. Neither are we.

Now, you take her home and you wait for me. That's an order.

Ditto.

Come here.

I can't stay mad at you with that cute face.

Get your ugly butt home.

My dad's gonna kill me.

You're always saying that.

Yeah, well, this time he's gonna kill me.

I mean, I cut class, I trespassed, I had stolen beer and then I swung into a pool full of cops on a garden hose carrying my dad's tap.

Yeah, that was so cool.

Really?

Really.

You looked dangerous.

Did I mention that I killed a guy in algebra?

Good night, killer.

Bring it on, Red.

I love that boy.

Eric's a good kid.

And that Donna's real sweet, too.

Man, that Donna's real hot.

Hey, that's my daughter. I'm just saying that...

You don't think I know what you're saying?

All right, Bob, it's time to go.

We'll just take...

Hey, hey, hey! Get out of here.

All right.

Fine.