That '70s Show S1E7 Script

That Disco Episode (1998)

The game is Anaconda. Big Ace.

Eight ball. Red Lady. Jackson. Fiver. Wild Man...

Oh, my God, Michael, they opened up a disco.

Where at?

In Kenosha.

You can wear your David Bowie butt-huggers.

Michael, that would be super.

Laugh if you want, man, but my butt looks pretty good in those.

Come on, are you guys crazy? I mean, a disco? No way.

I don't know. It might be kind of fun to go dancing.

Or we could go.

I've got nothing. I fold.

Man, if you're out, go make some popcorn.

Take her with you.

What is disco?

Disco is from hell, okay?

And not the cool part of hell with all the murderers... but the lame-ass part where the really bad accountants live.

Excuse me, what are you doing?

Looking at Kelso's cards.

That's cheating.

Eric, we can't find the popcorn!

Hey, um... Donna, why don't you take a look at my cards?

Then you won't have to wait for me to leave.

No. Come on, take a look. Tell me what I have, you cheater.

You've got nothing.

Yeah, but I'm gonna bluff. So, watch out.

Donna has stuff for Eric. Yes?

Not stuff. Thing.

Donna has a thing for Eric.

Why do you have a thing for Eric?

He makes me laugh, he doesn't ask me stupid questions... he's smart, and you know.

No, I don't know.

I know.

It is because Eric is noble, and a woman wants her first lovemaking... to be in the arms of a man she can trust.

Fez. Yes?

Go make popcorn.

j& Hanging out j& j& Down the street j& j& The same old thing j& j& We did last week j& j& Not a thing to do j& j& But talk to you j& j& Whoa, yeah j& j& Hello, Wisconsin! j&

Dad, I want to talk to you about my curfew on Saturday.

We're going to a disco in Kenosha.

Oh, dancing in Kenosha, that's quite a drive.

Can I push my curfew to 2:00?

Or 1:30?

Or 1:00? Done.

So, who's going?

Oh, Donna, I'm sure. They're practically dating.

Can I have some gas money?

Dating? Since when?

Mom, we're not dating.

Why not? She likes you.

Thanks, Mom. About that gas money.

Well, now, she's interested. I can tell.

And dancing is the quickest way to a gal's heart.

Remember, Red... when we used to go dancing at the Avalon on Mackinaw island?

Oh, Mackinaw. Now, that's quite a drive. I'll bet the mileage is... j& Volare j&

You see what you did?

You got your mother started. j& Volare j&

Man, I can't believe you and Jackie are dragging everybody to the disco.

It's so sad.

No, I'm just going to meet Kenosha chicks.

I'm breaking up with Jackie.

Oh, get a tall chick.

Because you and Jackie look so silly together.

Okay, that's all the deposit bottles. And the aluminum cans.

We've gotta have at least $1.15 worth of gas.

Come on, my dad's got a ton of empties.

I can't believe they're gonna waste all their money on a stupid disco... when they could buy a really big bag...

Of caramels.

Not going to that disco, huh?

No. Phony people listening to crappy music does not sound like my kind of time.

You can't dance, can you?

I can dance.

Oh, I don't think so, pal.

I can dance.

Not one step.

You're right. Not one step.

Well, then you got a problem, son...

'cause women wanna dance.

They always wanna dance. Always.


Because they can get close and wiggle their bodies around... in front of a man in a safe atmosphere.

See, I don't really wanna wiggle around in public.

Well, of course not. You're a man. My point is, you're going to have to learn.

Otherwise, later on in life... you're gonna be wiggling all by yourself.

Now, if you want...

I can help you out.

Okay, now, that was good. Okay, let's try it again.

Okay, now, left, right, left... turn, and step. Okay.

I can't keep up with the music, Mrs. Forman.

Now, let's not get discouraged.

All right. I am just gonna turn this music off.

Now, you follow me.

Okay, you can do this. Okay.

Left, right, left... turn and step.

Okay. No. Look at me, not at your feet.

Okay, you know what now, put your arm around me.

A little bit lower. Put your hand in the small of my back.

Feel how you can guide me?


Okay, left...

You're leading.

Okay, now, tell me where to move with your hands.

Uh-huh. Left, right, left... turn, okay, eye contact in the turn.

Okay and dip.

Okay, well, now, let's just do it again.

Hello? Anybody home? I'm bringing back your thermos.

Oh. Put your hand there. Oh. That's perfect.

You are better than Red.

Oh, I am exhausted. That is sweaty work.

Mrs. Forman, I would really appreciate it if maybe we didn't tell anybody about what we're doing here.

Oh, mum is the word.

Tomorrow after school, okay?


And, Steven, you were good.

Okay, I thought about it, and I'm going to the disco.

Just on the off chance they might mix up a little rock and roll, man.

Yeah, I have something to say.

I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes.

And they are the coolest kicks in the cave.

So, no more for Kelso. He's toasted.

I would like some toast if you are making some.

Or food of any kind would be good. I am starving.

Oh, I read somewhere there are these people in India who fast, man.


And their minds are so advanced, they can actually think themselves to death, man.

Whoa. I hope I'm not doing that right now.

My mind's always doing things that I don't even know about.

Man, we always think of so many brilliant things down here... but then later, I can't remember any of them.

I mean, they're brilliant, man.

Someone go make toast right now.

Hey, we should record our conversation, man.

Yeah, then we could play it back and write it down.

I'll bet that's how the writers at National Lampoon do it.

Yeah, I read somewhere that there are these people in France.

What do they do?

You see, they're incredibly...


See, that's brilliant, man. I'm getting a tape recorder.

Where's my toast, you idiots?

Eric? Yeah, Dad?

Listen, I know you need gas money for Saturday night.

So, if you're willing to do a few extra chores, I'll pay you $10.

Sure. I can do that.

Now I need you to sweep the garage, clean the leaves out of the gutters, get the dry cleaning and fix that shelf in the pantry.

Now run that back to me.

Okay, fix the shelf, sweep the garage, pick up the leaves...

Pick up the dry cleaning.


The gutters?

Fix the gutters.

Clean. Clean the gutters.

Clean out the gutters, fix the shelf, sweep the leaves.

The garage.

Fix the garage. Sweep it.

Listen, I'm not gonna pay you $10 for nothing.

Sweep the garage, pick up the cleaning, clean up the gutters fix the shelf.

Do that, and you got yourself gas money.

Didn't you say something about leaves?

They're in the gutters.

Right. Pick them up. Clean them up.

I've gotta make toast.


Oh, jeez, Midge. Kitty and that boy are at it again.

You smell great. What did you do?

I took a bath.

I was thinking of you the whole time.

Yeah, you know, I do the same thing in the shower.

What? Nothing.

Okay, let's take some pictures.

I'm ready. Steven, get in closer.

Okay, let's all smush together. Okay. Big smiles.

Nice. Okay, now, girls.

Look how pretty. Smile. Nice.

Now, boys. So handsome.

Okay, now. One, two...

Hey, Mom, why don't I take a picture of you?

No, no, no, no.

Okay, you'll be late. Bye now.

You're the best.

Oh, you go get them, tiger.

Kitty, I need your advice.

Well, sure. What is it?

I have this married friend.

And she's about to throw everything away because she's attracted to a much younger man.

It's Stella. No.

Oh, I knew that Stella was open for business.

It's not Stella.

Well, do I know her?

Yes. Very well.

Oh, Midge.

Does Bob know?

Yeah. And he doesn't know what to do.

Kitty, I don't know what to do.

Midge. Listen.

I think your friend should think about all the people she's gonna hurt... and tell this younger man, whoever he is, I don't wanna know... that it has to stop.

Thank you.

I just hope my friend takes your advice.

I'm sure your friend will.

Hmm. Younger man? Wonder what that's like.

Jackie, where'd you go?

I had to get something for you to bite on

'cause I told everyone you were having a seizure.

When do they play the disco music?

This is disco music.

No. This is samba.

Fez, it's disco, man. It's crap.

Oh, I think I like this crap.

Come, Jackie, let's get down.

No, I think I'm a little tired.

Don't resist me, mama.

It's boogie time.

I think you just lost your date.

Yeah, it's cool 'cause Jackie and I are history!

She must not weigh that much.

She touching his ass?

Listen. Merengue.

Fez, you're crazy.

Wow, they are really good.

Yeah, if you want to dance that way.

I would love to dance that way.

You wanna dance?


You dance.

This is a side of you I've never seen.

Yeah. Actually, you're my first dance.

I'm your first? I'm honored.

This is nice.

Donna, man, I feel like I wanna kiss you.

You don't have to kiss me back if you don't want.

I'm not kidding.

Shut up and dance.

Fez, you're an amazing dancer.

Actually, Jackie, you are the reason I am amazing.

You see, when a man dances, he should display the woman to the room like a beautiful flower.

Oh, Fez.


All right, pal, that's it.

It's you and me, right here, right now.

Why did you have to interrupt us?

Jackie is my girl, Fez.

But you are breaking up with her.

Where do you even get that stuff?

Okay. I'll be running away now.


Michael, it's not his fault. You just don't know how to dance with me.

I don't know how to dance, so you just take off with some other guy?

I know, Michael. I'm sorry. I was wrong.

But all I wanted to be was displayed like a flower.

You know that you are my flower.

That is so beautiful.

Put me down.

Oh, Michael.

Okay, I am passing out now.

Okay, Bob, what is it?

Just curious.

What's the word on that Hyde kid?


He's a little rebellious. He just needs some direction.

Apparently, he's getting it, Red.

I kind of walked into your living room and he and Kitty were in some sort of provocative embrace.

I think he was putting the moves on your wife.

Oh, my God.

Now I've got to kill him.

Get your deer rifle, Bob.

Hold on, Red. I could've been mistaken.

You know what you saw. Get the damn gun.

Maybe she was choking, you know, on some food or something.

I can't take that chance. What choice do I have as a man?

Come on, Red. They could've been dancing.

Jeez, I'm sure she was teaching him dancing...

'cause they were all going to that disco.

Dancing, huh? Yeah.

Jeez, Bob that would be downright logical.

Good thing I didn't shoot him.

Hyde, you were right about disco music.

It is evil.

Its pulsing rhythm made me do a bad thing.

Yeah, well, me, too.

Kelso is my friend. I cannot take his woman.

You're a good guy, Fez.

Actually, I could take his woman, but I won't.

Come on, I'll walk you home. See you guys.

See you. Good night.

Hey, uh, Hyde dancing. What a surprise.

Yeah, who knew?

Yeah. You looked like you were having a good time.

Yeah, you know, disco fever. You catch it. But I'm better now.

Wow, what a weird night. Hey, did you see Kelso's shoes?

Yeah. Remember when he saw that girl wearing the same shoes?

Actually, that was pretty sad.

Yeah. So...

Hey, um, do you recall that night we crossed the Rio Grande?


I can see it in your eyes.

What are you talking about?

How proud you were to fight j& For freedom in this land j&

Shut up. Don't. j& There was something in the air that night j& j& The stars were bright j& j& Fernando j&

I'm sorry. I hate dance music.

Why did you go?

I like you.

So, you're in like with me?

Donna, I'm in...

I can't dance.

You'll learn.

j& There was something in the air that night j& j& The stars were bright j&

Donna, I really want to kiss you again. j& Fernando j&

Shut up and dance. j& They were shining there for you and me j& j& j& And liberty, Fernando j& j& j& j& Though I never thought that we could lose j& j& j& j& There's no regret j& j&

j& j& If I could do the same again j& j& j& j& I would, my friend Fernando j& j&

j& j& If I had to do the same again j& j& j& j& I would, my friend, Fernando j& j&

I'm saying, the earth is a farm.

That's brilliant.

A farm.

A farm put here by aliens, man. And we're the cattle.

We're cattle.

And the government knows it. It's out there, man.

What is?

The truth.

What are you saying?

Out there is the truth.

The truth is out there, man.

That's seriously brilliant.

See, you are all stupid.