That '70s Show S1E8 Script

Drive in (1998)

Yeah, that's right, 100 bags of manure.

Yeah, the wife and I are redoing the front lawn.

And, uh, tell you what, if I'm not there, just dump it all on the front porch.


Yeah, man, Coach Jefferson is gonna freak.

He just shouldn't have given me that "D."

Oh, no. Dick Tracy is trapped in a giant clam.

Farewell, sweet Dick!

A man being eaten by a giant clam.

Now, I'm not Sigmund Freud, but...


The Omen's playing at the drive-in.

You know what this means for us?

It's make-out city.

I really like you as a friend, Kelso.

Can I bring a girl?

Yeah. Man, it's gonna be great.

Horror movies turn on chicks faster than porno.

Really? Faster than that?

Yeah. If only somebody would make a porno horror movie.

Well, then there'd be no stopping you.


Is that kid from, uh, not America down here?

Dad, it's Fez.

Yeah, whatever.

The Erdmans called and they, they want him to...

Go home.

Kelso, stop saying "porno."

I didn't say it, Mr. Forman. Fez did.

You are a bitch.

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay, you know what this is, Red?

Some lady magazine.

It's Cosmo.

Oh, no.

I'm gonna tell you something, Red.

I just took the "how spontaneous is your relationship?" quiz.

And you know what?


We got three out of 10.

And I cheated.

Gee, I, uh, I can't help but notice that you're pouting.

Oh, no, no. I'm not pouting.

That would upset our routine.

God knows, I wouldn't want to move in a new direction and accidentally slip in a puddle of fun or anything.

Okay. Here's a thought.

How about you and I treat ourselves to a night out?

Just the two of us.

Well, that'd be great, Red.

We'll go to Phillies.

Phillies, huh?

So, you'll have the Salisbury steak, and I'll have the baked chicken. Again.

Well, maybe I won't have the Salisbury steak.

I enjoy their ham.

Oh, ham.

Well, okay, then I can change one answer on the quiz.

So, okay, we have four out of 10.

We have moved up from "predictable as the tides" to "humdrum."

I'll just go change.

Damn Cosmo.


Son, when we took you in as an exchange student, you became our responsibility.

And we're concerned about this gang of ruffians you hang out with.

They are my friends.

That's exactly what they want you to think.

Now, we're not inflexible.

I mean, we looked the other way when you started wearing cologne.

But now, you've brought the devil's music into our home.

Oh, no. That is not the devil's music.

It is Eric's.

Rebecca, show the boy.

Now, listen to what happens when she plays it backwards.

That cannot be good for the record.

There it is! "Devil love me."

"Devil lives!" It's clear as day.

What's funny?

In my language, the record just said, "I want to sex your monkey."

Which I have never done.

So, Donna, I was thinking we should go see a movie tonight.

Oh, cool. I'd love to see All the President's Men.


Well, I actually hear that isn't very good.



Hey, uh, I was thinkin' maybe The Omen.

Isn't that at the drive-in?

Is that at the...

Yeah, no, I guess it is.

So, do you want to go?


Um, yeah, sure.

When the child was five years old, something terrible happened.

The truth. Where does it end?

The Omen? That's at the drive-in.

I know. I don't know what to do.

I really like Eric, and I'd like to have a physical relationship, but...

It's called, "make out," Donna.

Say it.

All right, make out.

But I don't want it to be public, I don't want it to be tacky, I don't want there to be pressure, and now it's this tacky, public pressure make-out thing.

I understand.

Everybody wants their first make-out to be special, in some place romantic.

Like Ireland. Or Disney World.

Disney World?

Right, sorry.

So, let's focus.

He asked you to the drive-in.

Did Donna say yes?

And you said, "yes"?

Yes. Yes.

Yes! Oh, this is great.

Me and Jackie will come with you. No.

Will you come with us? Why?

Why not?

Well, you'd be like competition.

You'd be like a loophole.

Loophole? Competition?

Yeah, I'd have to keep up with you and Jackie, and that would make me nervous.

I, I could always talk to you if I get nervous.

'Cause you've got to be bored with sex by now.

What do you mean? What do you mean?

You and Jackie... You and Kelso...

Have done it like a million times.

True. We have never done it.

Yeah. Slid into home on the second date.

He got to third base once and that was an accident.

Whatever. Whatever.

Don't worry, we'll be there.

Fine. We won't come.

Perfect. Thanks.

Okay, now, see? This dress says, "Look at me. Notice me. Stare at me!"

It's all wrong.

No, you look terrific.

Especially for dinner at the Lion's Head.

The Lion's Head? I thought we were going to Phillies.

Well, I, uh, changed my mind.

Well, you never do that.

The Lion's Head.

It is so fancy.

And it's different.

I mean, hell, we haven't been there in years.

It'll be fun. Hmm?

Oh, oh, this is so exciting!

Oh, oh.

Okay, now, if we are going to go to someplace that fancy, I have to shave your neck.

I'll get the clippers, you hop in the tub.

I am telling you, I heard it.

The devil is singing backwards on the record.

It's not the devil, man.

It's Congress.

They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man.

They want to kill rock and roll because they know it makes us horny, man.

Doesn't, uh, doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?

Cartoons make me horny.

Oh, uh, and food.

When you play the record backwards, you can hear the devil speak.

I am starting to hear him everywhere. Ay.

Satan is your master, Fez.

Worship satan.


Before you worship satan, get him a cherry pop.

Get satan a cherry pop.

Get satan a cherry pop.

A pop, man. Get me a pop.

Fez, man, get me a pop.

Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood.

Satan's second choice is root beer.


Werner, party of two.

Werner, party of two.


What is this place?

Excuse me.

What happened to the Lion's Head?

Burned down. Five dead. Real sad.

Welcome to Blanigan's. May I take your name?

I'll get back to you.

Well, what do you think?

Well, um, it certainly is different.

It might not be so bad.

On your left, sparky.

The staff is certainly enthusiastic.

Well, I'm sure I can get us a nice, quiet table. j& Happy birthday j& Happy birthday j& Happy birthday j& To you j&

I'll put our name on the list.

Forman. Party of two.

Okey-dokey. That'll be about two hours.

Here's 20 bucks.

All right. We'll have something in about 15 minutes.

You don't want this place to burn down twice, do you?

All right. We have something right now.

That's what I thought.

Well, sweetheart, this is our lucky night.

Oh, uh, would you check this?


Looks real good.

All right, let's go.

Um, maybe I should, uh, go back to my house and pop some popcorn, 'cause they always overcharge.

Jackie and Kelso.

What are you guys doing here?

Nothing. What are you guys doing here?

Donna and I are going to the drive-in. Remember?

Thank you, Eric, we'd love to go.

Michael, get in the car.

But, I don't think...

Get in the car.

Look, this isn't what we talked about at all.

I, I'm sorry, man.

I'll take it slow.

Try to keep up.

Whoo-hoo! Going to the drive-in.

Hello. I'm Guy, and I'll be your waiter.

Would either of you like to help yourself to our Blanigan-tastic salad bar?

What's a salad bar?

Oh, it's right over there.

All the salad fixin's. And you make your own Blanigan-tastic salad.

You mean my wife has to make her own salad?

It'll be worth the trip.

You're kidding, right? Red.

No, no, no, Kitty, it's okay.

Guy, my wife didn't get all dressed up for a special night out so that she could make her own salad.

See, she could do that at home.

For free.

But she wouldn't have eight Blanigan-tastic dressings to choose from at home, would she?

Are you being a wiseacre?

Red, honey, honey. Your neck vein. It's poking out.

Sir, I can't bring her a salad.

I'll get in trouble.

What the hell kind of a restaurant is this?

You've got eight people singing "Happy Birthday," and nobody can bring my wife a damn salad.

Red, honey. Neck vein, neck vein, neck vein.

Come on, Kitty, let's get out of here. j& Happy birthday j&

Oh, screw your freakin' birthday!

God, this movie even sounds gross.

That's not the movie.

And, so...

You guys okay up here?

No, um, I want popcorn.

And I want Eric and Kelso to go get it.

Oh, Eric can go get it.

No, Michael. Go.

I didn't bring you here to suck Kelso's face off.

I know, I'm sorry.

This is so awkward.

You're right. And I wasn't being a very good friend.

No more making out.

I promise.

All right, uh, about the popcorn, I need money.

What? I don't want popcorn. Get back in the car.

She doesn't know what she wants.

No. Michael, Michael, no.

We are gonna watch the movie with Eric and Donna.

But I missed the beginning.

The little kid's the devil. They have to kill him. Watch the movie.

Look at me, Damien.

It's all for you!

Donna, it's, it's just, it's just a movie.

Do you wanna sit somewhere else?

So bad.


Here we are. Back at Phillies.

Yep. Good ol' Phillies.

Good food at a fair price.

You're ordering the Salisbury steak, aren't you?

Nope. I'm going for the ham.

Red, don't put your hat on the counter, it's all greasy.

Hey, pal, can I get some half-and-half?

Well, isn't this familiar?

Okay, now, here's how we sneak the devil music past Ozzie and Harriet.


Alice Cooper, meet Pat Boone.

Don't resist me, Pat Boone.

No, you're hurting me.

Come on, take it. No, it hurts.

Come on. No. Oh!

But what if my host parents hear it?

Then satan commands us to kill them, Fez.


I'll tell you what. We'll use the headphones.


Kitty, I'm sorry about tonight.

Oh, it's not your fault, Red.

You know how emotional I get when I read Cosmo.

Boy, do I.

You know, okay, at least we gave it a try.

I guess we have slowed down, flattened out.

Oh, at our age, it's inevitable.

Okay, that's it!

Red! Oh, my Lord!

You're not flashing back to Guadalcanal, are you?

Hold on, Kitty.

The night's not over.

You know, the stars are really just...

Forget it.



So, uh, Jackie and Kelso certainly made themselves comfortable.


It's a roomy car.

Yeah, it is.

You know, the bench seat in the Vista Cruiser...

Is the same as what's in the full-size Pontiac Catalina.

Wow, that's interesting.

Smooth move, Forman!

Okay, kids, break it up.

Let's go.


Hey, you're adults.

Damn right we're adults.

I'm sorry, sir. My mistake.

That's quite all right, we all make mistakes.

Now, why don't you go bust some pot-smoking teenagers before I give you a good adult-size kick in the ass.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Enjoy your evening.

Oh, Red.

That was so sweet.

You let him off with a warning.


But you're not gettin' off that easy.

Oh, Red! j& Da, da, da da, da, da, da j& Raindrops keep fallin' on my head j& Ba, ba j& Just like a guy whose feet are too big for his head j& j& In-a-gadda-ga-vida, honey j&

This loud music will not damage my hearing?

No, no. It's good for ya.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, son. How was the movie?

It was pretty gory.

Yeah? How'd it end?

I don't remember.

Atta boy.

So, how was your night?

It was fantastic.

Well, that's great. Goodnight, Dad.

Goodnight, son. Oh, and, um, be quiet goin' upstairs.

Your mother is very tired.

So, Phillies was fun.

Yes indeedy.

Very dependable.

As always.