That '70s Show S1E9 Script

Thanksgiving (1998)

Laurie's bus isn't here yet.

Dad, can we get in the car and turn on the heat? I'm freezing.

I'm not wasting gas just so you can be comfortable.

Well, can we at least go wait inside?

I'm not going in that bus station with those people.

God, I'm freezing.

Oh, Eric, I forgot to tell you, your sister's bringing a friend home, so you'll be sleeping in the basement.

The basement? They should sleep in Laurie's room.

Oh, and Red, I've been thinking.

Maybe this Thanksgiving we should skip the big turkey.

Small ones are on sale at Piggly Wiggly.

This family doesn't scrimp on holidays.

Can you imagine my mother sitting down to a chicken?

Red, your mother won't eat my cooking anyway, so that won't be a problem.

Dad, they should sleep in the basement.

Red, last Thanksgiving she said her jaw wasn't strong enough to chew the turkey.

And that was a magnificent turkey.

Dad, it's my room.

I work myself to the bone for that...

All right, that's it! Hold it.

Now, Kitty, don't get worked up over my mother.

And you, you're sleeping in the basement!

And we're all having a happy damn Thanksgiving!

Mommy, Daddy. This is Kate.


Hi, sweetheart. Oh, let's get in the car, you must be freezing.

So, you're Eric.

Your sister didn't tell me you were so cute.

We are going to have so much fun this weekend.

You can sleep in my room!

Get Kate settled into your room. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, and hey, don't forget to show her your GI Joe dolls.

That's such a good idea.

That'll give you a chance to tell Dad about that professor you're dating.

What? Dad, he's joking.

Gosh, I hope it doesn't get too cold tonight. I sleep practically naked.

So, Kitty, looking forward to Thanksgiving?


Red's mother is coming. Mmm.

What's that pet name she has for you?


Oh, you know, she doesn't bother me as much as she does Red, and he's tense enough, what with Christmas coming up, and him only working part-time.

Part-time, huh? That's rough.

Ooh! When Bob gets tense, we take a bubble bath together.

Soaking my naked body really relaxes him.


Oh, yeah.

Mom, Grandma's on the phone! Oh, I gotta go.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& Whoa, yeah

j& Hello, Wisconsin! j&

So this Kate, is she hot?

Of course she's hot. All college girls are hot.

I mean, we've all seen the brochures, right?

Okay, Donna. Help me play some music. Right now.

So she's hot. Oh, so hot.


Are you okay?

Um, yeah. Donna, how can you be okay?

There's a college woman sleeping in his bed.

He's sleeping in the basement.

Donna, stairs are not gonna stop a high school horndog.

Barbed wire will not stop a high school horndog.

A wall of fire will not stop a high...

Jackie, I get it, I get it.

Poor Donna.

So naive.

So what do you guys wanna do?

Eric, I hope it doesn't get too cold tonight.

I sleep practically naked.



Yeah, well, I guess I'm just gonna...

Just gonna... I'm tuckered out, so I might as well go home.

So, tell me about school.

Oh. Well, I've decided to major in philosophy.

That's good, because they just opened up that big philosophy factory in Green Bay.

Eric, what did I tell you about being funny?

I'm not.

That's right. Now, sweep the garage.

Yes, sir.

I wonder if the Pilgrims were clever enough to put peanut butter on their celery.

Kitty, could you get that? I'm fixing the drawer.

Oh, dear God.

Your mother has already called me five times this morning, Red.

You answer it. Kitty, I don't want to talk to her.

She gave birth to you.


Hi, Ma.


It's for you.

Hello, Mother Forman. Mmm-hmm.

Just like I told you, I don't know, half an hour ago, the kids will be there at noon to pick you up.

Yep, you're right. I need to work on my attitude. Bye then.

You know, I could have married Bill Bower.

His mother was dead.

What if he yells at me?

He's not gonna yell at you. You're doing him a favor.

Go, go.

Red, what a surprise to run into you.

I live here, Bob.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Okay, I'm going in.

Actually, Red, I just wanted to ask you a favor.

My appliance store gets real busy over the holidays, and I could use a little help down there.

Oh, you offering me a job?

Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. This is not charity.

Charity? No, not charity.

I'm not looking for work anyway, Bob.

But... Good night, Bob!

Midge, he yelled at me!

Come in.



I was just coming up here to get something to sleep in.

So, I guess I'll see you later then.

You can stay and talk a minute, if you want.


Close the door.




that's short for Katherine, right?


Have a seat.

So, have you thought about where you want to go to school yet?


Well, I like your school.

I found that it was really...

Well, I have to go to bed now.

Wait, we are in bed.

Okay, I see.


So, good night.

Good night.


Just one second?

Okay, baseball, Vietnam, Richard Nixon, Pat Nixon, Pat Boone, the girl that does the weather... No!

Okay, jelly fish, really big spiders.

Come on, dig deep, okay.

The day we backed over Skipper in the driveway, and instead of going to the county fair, I had to bury him in the backyard.


I'm good.

And good night.

Good morning, Red. Happy Thanksgiving.


Well... You're up awful early.

Well, luckily I heard the phone ring, when your mother called at 5:00 this morning.

Yeah, that is lucky.


Oh, before I forget, Laurie told me what she wants for Christmas.

A portable TV for her dorm room.

I'm working part-time, she wants a TV. Great.

Maybe Bob can get you a good deal on one from his store.

I don't need any help from that damn Bob.

You know what he did yesterday?

He offered me a job. He did?

Well, we have to move away from such an evil man.

Well, you're a lot of fun in the morning.

Hey, turkey boy.

Wanna show me your giblets?

So you made out with a college girl?

Kind of.

Start talking. Yeah.

Tell it like a story, like a sexy story.


She, like, jammed her entire tongue into my mouth.

And you wouldn't think a girl had, like, that much tongue, you know?

That is great!

Oh... Oh, yeah.


I don't know, I feel kind of guilty.

Almost like... Dirty.

Dirty is good.

I like feeling dirty.

No, no, I mean, I feel bad.

Look, I think I gotta tell Donna.


Well, on behalf of men everywhere...

Yeah, man, I mean the right thing to do is juggle them both until it all blows up in your face.

Look, you guys don't understand. I can't hide anything.

The minute she looks at me she's gonna know.

Hey. What are you guys talking about?

I kissed a girl.

Shocking! I am appalled!

You what?

You know that friend my sister brought home from college?

The slutty one. Yeah.

I kissed her.

Why are you telling me this?

I feel guilty, because it was like, really kissing.

So what we do isn't really kissing?

I thought you should know, considering that you and I have a thing.


Well, obviously we don't have a thing, if you're running around kissing slutty girls, right?

Okay, you're mad.

Mad? No.

Why should I be mad?

I mean, in fact, you can kiss whatever you want.

Start with your own butt!

Why are you here? Why are you always here?

It's Thanksgiving. Don't you have families?


Hey, Donna, you wanna talk?

I guess Donna didn't take it very well.

Take what well?

Eric made out with Kate.

Anything else? Your son is a whore.


Now, Donna just came through here looking very upset.

Would you have any idea what that's about?

I have no idea. She seemed fine when we...

You already know, don't you? Of course I know.

Donna is such a sweet kid.

How could you do this to her?

I don't know.

You know, it seems like bad things are always happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Son, you don't have bad luck.

The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

Now fix it.

Look, Donna, can we talk?

I'll leave you two... No.

You should stay. We don't have secrets in our house.

We don't sneak around on each other like a little horny rat kissing other girls.

Look, Donna, please come to my house for Thanksgiving dessert.

Everyone's gonna be there. You always come.

Please don't let some stupid thing that I did wreck that.

Well, I can't depend on you, so why should you be able to depend on me?

Look, Donna, please, okay?

I'm really sorry.

And I feel really bad. Good!

Poor thing. Mom!

Oh, you. Of course I meant you.

As a food editor, I wanted to find out for myself just what makes the modern turkey so good.

Amen. Let's eat.

Now, is everything on the table? I still feel like I forgot something.

Oh, my God, I forgot your mother.


Hello, Mother Forman.

No, I didn't forget you.

I don't know, the kids left a half hour ago to pick you up.

I can't imagine what's keeping them.

Put that back.


The Toyota is blocking the car, I need the keys.

Could you hold on one teeny tiny second? For the love of God, move!

Are you sure they're not there? Look out your window.

Now do you have your glasses on?

Where's your grandma?

She's not coming.

She said she's going to Cousin Joel's for Thanksgiving.

Oh. That's not so bad.

Actually, she said it was a shame she couldn't spend what might be her last Thanksgiving with her family.

But she does hope we all enjoy ourselves.

Well, you know what? That's just fine.

I don't need to kiss some old lady's A-S-S on my holiday.

You heard what I spelled.

Forget it.






So, you give an employees' discount down there at your store?

Twenty percent.

Does that cover, anything like, oh, say, portable TVs?

Oh, heck, yeah.

Congratulations, Bob, you just hired me.

Good. I'm glad to hear it, Red.

You know, you'll have to call me Mr. Pinciotti at work.

Oh, I got you good that time.

Donna, I am so glad you came.

I only came because my mom made me, okay?

Hey, Donna, all right, good to see you. I got you some pie.

I don't want any stupid pie.

What? I didn't kiss her.

Hey, there, Bob. You wanna piece of pie?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Donna.

Oh, don't get all tough with me! Yeah?

Yeah! Okay.

No. Look, we need to talk.

I'll start. Get out!

What do you want me to say? I already apologized.

You just want to forget about us because I kissed some girl?

Why'd you do it?

Well, I have it on pretty good authority that I'm a dumbass.

So you liked it?

Yeah, I liked it.

"No" would have been a better answer.

Donna, look, that kiss was great, and if I could take it back, I would.

Because it's not worth ruining what you and I have.

Eric, you are a dumbass.

So is that like, "I forgive you, dumbass," or "Get out of my house, you dumbass"?

Mostly the first one.


Tongue. Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, let's go to dessert.

Just one second?


Just one minute.

Silk sheets.

Joe Namath's butt.


Slow dancing.

The washing machine with an unbalanced load.

Well, I'm good.

You haven't told anybody else about last night, have you?

I mean, it's kind of embarrassing.

I mean for me. Not you.

No, Kate, that's our little secret.

So, Kate, you and Eric, huh?

Like The Graduate, older woman, younger man.

You know, if breaking up couples is your thing, you can do your thing with me, 'cause...


Hello, Kate.

May I see your giant tongue?