That '70s Show S2E1 Script

Garage Sale (1999)

Okay, Michael, I want you to take me to the movies today.

I'm way ahead of you, Jackie. 2:00, Smokey and the Bandit.

No. No, no, no.

I told you. I don't want to see that again.

I don't like the South.

Do you want to see The Goodbye Girl?

Well, I would, but it has two basic flaws, no smokey and no bandit.

Yeah, plus, isn't The Goodbye Girl, like, a girl movie?

You moron. A girl movie is a make-out movie.

Well, then I'm in.

Me, too. I will come and watch.


T-minus one hour till the garage sale.

Oh, I feel like an astronaut.

Oh, Red. Remember how bad Eric wanted these roller skates?

Oh... The yo-yo.


Your plastic vomit.

I fell for that.


You wasted a lot of my money, son.

Me and my damn childhood.

You know, Mrs. Forman, I feel real bad.

I mean, you let me stay here and everything.

I wish I had something to contribute to your garage sale.

Oh, Steven, your loving smile is contribution enough.

No, it's not.

Run that upstairs.

You heard him, Kelso. Move it.

Hey, uh, Dad, Donna and I were gonna go see The Goodbye Girl.

Yeah. Well, I'm sure it's a great movie, Eric...

But you're gonna be helping with the garage sale.

It's important.

Oh, right. We're having a garage sale because you lost your job... I mean...

Because of all the clutter.

Everybody needs to work, Eric.

The gravy train has made its last stop.

Okay, there was a gravy train?

Yup. And you missed it.

Oh, Steven, I have a great idea.

You could sell lemonade.

Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands, and...

Lord knows I hate a hypocrite.

You could have a little bake sale.

I pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.

Steven, you could...

You could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies...

I'm not much of...


I could make brownies.

Because people love brownies!

No, they don't.

Oh, they love my brownies.

j& Hangin' out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, Steven, you are such a joy to have around the house.

I can't believe your mother abandoned you.

I mean, went on such a long trip.

Boy, I sure do like brownies.

Hey, uh, you know what's got two thumbs and really likes brownies?

This guy!

Hyde! Oh, come on!

I'm asking you not to make these brownies.

I mean, my mom and dad are...

Way too fat.

Nice cover.

You know what, Eric, you just leave him alone.

This is Steven's contribution to our garage sale.

And I happen to know that you put the special ingredient in these brownies.

"Special ingredient"? I told him not to!



Oh, yeah.

There's a whole big bag of love in there.

Mom, crazy Helen from across the street is switching price tags, and Dad says he's gonna kick her in the keister.

Oh, no, he'll do it, too.

Hi, Kelso.

Oh, look! It's chocolate batter.

I sure do wish I could finish all this chocolate batter on my finger, but I just can't.


Guess I can. Bye.

Man, I was so close!

Hey, you...

God, you can't make special brownies in my parents' kitchen.

Oh, no.

I already made them. If only you'd warned me sooner.

Come on, man, I'm serious.

Look, Forman, relax, man, okay?

Yeah, I'm making special brownies, but I'm also making regular brownies for the "straight folks" or "Losers".

Yeah. Someday I'm gonna own a restaurant, and everything's gonna be special.

And then when people ask me, they say, "Hey, Kelso, what's the special?"

I'm gonna say, "Everything."

I can't believe you'd rather stay here than go see a movie with me.

Oh, believe me, Donna, I'd love to go, but Red said I can't, and...

Well, he can kick my ass.

Eric, I can kick your ass.

Oh, yeah? Mmm-hmm.

Let's go. Come on. Bring it on. Let's go. Come on.

Come on! You want a big piece of Eric Forman?

Let's go!

Man, what are you doing?

I'm lonely.


Daddy, I've rounded up some things to help the family out in these trying times.

There. You see, Eric?

Your sister's a team player.

No. These are all my things.

Grow up, Eric. They're G.I. Joes.


G.I. Joes with kung-fu grip!

What a bitch...

Aroony doony.

Do you now or have you ever had any association with the Point Place Police Department?

All right. Here's your brownie.

You got about 30 minutes to get someplace safe.


I noticed you're selling the kissing dolphins Bob and I bought you.

You know, what is that doing on this table?

Red, I told you not to sell that.

Give it to me. I'll just, I'll run it right back into the house.

Oh. And, Red, you're also selling that pocket fisherman we gave you for Christmas.

Don't you want to run that back into the house, too?

No, Bob. That was a really dumb gift.

Okay, so...

The Goodbye Girl starts at 2:00, so I'd better go.

Well, I guess this is goodbye. Girl.

Fez, you're so funny!

Well, hello, Jackie.

Did you see that, Fez?

Yes, you did.

She may be taking my popcorn, but she knows there is more in my lap than that.

She wants you, old boy.

Now's your chance.

Be smooth.

Think Ricardo Montalban.

Just turn...

Lock eyes...


Wait, wait, Fez, what are you doing?

Oh, my God! You're a dead man!

Could I have avoided this? Let's review.

First, Jackie said I was funny.

Next, she ate popcorn from my groin.

Then I sucked her face.

Nope. It was meant to be.


Forman, this doesn't make any sense.

I'm out of brownies, but I should have more money.

Hyde, that's dirty money. There's never enough.

No, man. It's like I lost an entire tray of brownies.

Wait, what kind of brownies did you lose, Hyde?

Were they regular brownies?

They were special brownies.

Ah! Where was the last place you had them?

In the oven.

In my mother's oven?

Oh, now, Steven, your brownies, they were a big hit.

You know...

I'm glad the plant is closing.

It frees me up to do my own thing.

You said, "Do my own thing!"

Oh, Red. Your own thing.

That's so hip!

I love salt.

I like that word, "Hip."

It kinda pops, you know?

Hip. Hip.


I can see my own mouth!

You know what's beautiful?


All of the different-colored little fruits living together in one cake.

I jumped out of a cake once.

I also like sweet, but there's just something about salt.


It starts to lose its meaning after a while, you know?


It's not even a word.

Oh, my God, listen.

You can hear my heart.

Oh, my God! There it is again.

No. That's someone at the door.

Maybe it's the cops.

It's just someone for the garage sale.

Take whatever you want!

It won't fill the hole in your life!

I'll go see who it is.

You know...

For a terrible grouch, Red is great in bed.

I'm sorry. What?

j& Hippity hoppity j& Easter's on its way j&

Where'd you go, Red?

Well, I was hopping down the old bunny trail...

And this guy offered me $200 for the Vista Cruiser.

So I sold it to him.

You sold Eric's car?

Oh, no.

Dad, you sold my car?

How could you?

Just what in the hell were you thinking?

I thought I was helping, because you're always saying how you need money.

For gas!

For the car!

Don't yell at him.

To be honest, Red, we're a little disappointed.

I'm not gonna run any more errands for you, pal.

You should've checked with us first, Red.

You know how many times I rotated those tires?

You're not supposed to take things that aren't yours.

I had stuff in the backseat.

Now that's all just gone, mister.

Forman, it's okay.

No, it's not okay!

Look, Red, who did you sell the car to?

I sold it to a guy named...



Cottontail. j& Hopping down the bunny trail j& Hippity hoppity j& Easter's on its way j&

In a way, I don't blame Fez.

I'm very appealing.

I just can't believe he kissed you. That's...

Donna, I have to confess something.

It wasn't terrible.

How not terrible?

It was the best kiss of my life!

I mean, Fez is totally not an option

'cause he's foreign and everything, but...

Michael has never kissed me like that.

What was so good about it?

Do you know when Fez talks, he sometimes rolls his R's?


Well, that's what he did in my mouth!


That actually sounds kind of cool.

I know!

I mean, don't get me wrong.

Eric's, you know, he's a great kisser and everything, but...

He's never, like, rolled anything.

Oh... I just love kissing.

Don't you, Donna?

I'm gonna go find Eric.

Eric, I was just talking to Jackie, and...

Donna, not now, okay?

See, Hyde?

I asked you not to make special brownies, but did you listen?

Well... Exactly. You didn't.

You were just so smart.

What were you thinking?

I... Yeah, that's it. Right. That's the problem.

You weren't thinking.

Now my folks are fried, and I got no car.

Wait a minute. Brownies? Your mom and dad...

Donna... Keep it zipped. Okay?

Guess what, buddy.

There's a lesson in all this.

You know what that lesson is?

The lesson is... All right, why don't I just tell you what the lesson is?

You dance with Mary Jane, you get your toes stepped on, that's right.

Consequences, my friend.

Yeah, consequences.

Now my car is gone, Red's high as a kite.

Red's high as a kite?

Okay, Miss Smart Mouth, shut it.

Okay? Be quiet.

I remembered who I sold the car to.


I don't know, but I remembered.

No, wait! Red! Red! Think!


Maybe his name is on that check he gave me!

Yeah! Maybe it is.

Now what?

Your parents had the brownies, too.

Well, if it isn't Fez.

I'm Fez.

In my country, we make out with our friends' girlfriends because... La dee da.

Oh, Kelso, I am sorry.

Your girlfriend gives me action in the pants.

Oh, no, she doesn't.

Yes, she does.

She came up to me. She said I was funny.

Fez, sometimes when a girl says that you're funny, it just means that you're funny.


I am freaking hilarious.

Fez, Jackie is, like, my girlfriend, okay?

And we have this bond between us, and nobody can come between that bond.

I thought you wanted to fool around with Eric's sister.

Well, yeah, her, but that's, like, that's it.

And you made out with Pam Macy.

Okay, Fez, what's your point?

My point is...

You are a whore.

Okay, then. Apology accepted.

You said that we were going for ice cream!

When we get the car back.

You know, you did tell him you were gonna get him ice cream.


And you're not helping!

Hey, put that down!


That really shot out of there!


Wait! Wait! Listen.

I don't want to do this.

Well, you have to.

I'll wait in the car.

No, no, Red. You have to learn to take responsibility for your own actions.

Well, that's stupid!


That's not the guy.

Did your dad buy a car this morning?

A station wagon? Yeah.

He bought that piece of crap for me.

"Piece of crap"?

That's a Vista Cruiser!

You could literally...

Cruise the Vista.

Daddy! Where are the keys to the piece of crap?

Boy, she's lovely.

Give me his check.

Right. And thanks again.

I, too, understand. Parents can be quite a...

What a bitcheroony doony!


You got your car back, Forman.

Are we cool now?


Yeah, I think you learned your lesson.

Absolutely, man.

I learned that if I do something selfish, ill-advised, and irresponsible, I can get away with it.

I rule!

No! Big consequences!

I'll tell you, Donna, sometimes that guy just fills me with...


You rolled your tongue.

I know! Isn't it neat?

Well, like...

Uh, Dad, could you pass...

No! Okay.

You know what'd be great for dessert?

Hot dogs.

You read my mind.

I'll boil the water. No time!