That '70s Show S2E11 Script

Laurie Moves Out (1999)

So, um, Laurie's almost all packed.

I can't believe my little girl is movin' out.

Which reminds me, when are you leaving?

Never, 'cause I love it here.

Right.

Kitty, do you really think this is a good idea?

I mean, it might be a little soon for her to be on her own.

Red, she is gonna be fine.

She's gonna split rent with a girlfriend.

She doesn't even have a job.

Well, she is gonna get a job.

Oh, that reminds me. Can I have her room?

No. I already gave it to Steven.

But I'm your son...

Daddy.

Oh, man, would you look at this place.

It's kind of girlie.

It's a girl's room, Hyde.

Oh, so all those guys, they were just passin' through?

Well, that's over.

Welcome to Hydeville, baby.

You know, if I cared about this dump at all, that would totally creep me out.

Come on, Laurie, you're gonna miss your room.

It's not like you have no feelings ever about anything.

Yes!

I'm so psyched!

Aw.

Did you finally figure out how a Thermos works?

No, I'm psyched about your new place, you know.

'Cause whenever we fool around here, I'm always afraid that Jackie's gonna catch us.

You know, I don't want to hurt her 'cause I love her.

You know, so this is great. It solves everything.

Kelso, you are not allowed anywhere near my new place. Ever.

Laurie...

You know what? You freaks, you got about two minutes to deal with this little drama here, then get the hell out of my room.

Whoa.

I see what's goin' on here. You're breakin' up with me.

No.

For me to break up with you, there would have to be something between us to break.

Oh!

I cannot believe that you are being such a...

Bitch?

Duh.

Look, Kelso...

It was fun and sweaty and all, but you're just the guy I fooled around with when there was nothing good on TV.

Sorry.

Well, maybe there won't be anything good on TV at your new place!

Oh, damn! There's always somethin' good on TV. j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hey, Kelso, look who's here. It's Jackie.

Hi, Jackie.

God, Laurie, I can't believe you're moving.

I know we didn't spend much time together, but I think some of my good taste was rubbing off on you.

And I'm so happy for that.

Thanks, Jackie. I'm gonna miss you, too.

Oh, hey, Kelso, I almost forgot.

I found a T-shirt of yours when I was cleaning out my room.

Say, how'd that get there?

That's funny.

No, this isn't even mine.

Yeah, no, this must be Eric's shirt.

Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael.

Man, Eric's gonna be pissed, huh?

Yeah, 'cause I... See, I borrowed Eric's shirt

'cause mine wasn't working right...

And, uh, then my mom must have sewn my name in it.

Mmm, I don't know, Michael.

What, do you think I'm lying?

Jackie, if I were lying, I'd come up with a lot better lie than that.

Yeah, you'd think so.

So, Laurie's definitely moving out?

And it's definitely over with her and Kelso?

Well, she is moving all the way across town.

I mean, she is slutty, but...

I mean, she hates to commute, so...

Good.

Good, because Kelso's a rat bastard, and I'm not covering for him.

Donna, relax. It's over.

So now you can get back to pleasing your man.

Eric, please leave. I have to talk to Donna alone.

Well, okay, 'cause, I mean, it's not like this is my home or...

Eric!

Jackie, you have something you want to ask me?

See, I'm kind of worried about Michael and Laurie.

I mean, she found his T-shirt in her room, and he said it wasn't his, even though it had his name in it.

And at that time, I believed him, but now I can't remember why.

But if there is something going on, I think I want to know...

But I don't want to know.

God, I don't even know if I want to know, you know?

I'm supposed to say...

Donna, you're supposed to say that there's nothing going on, that Michael loves me, and we're together, and that's all that matters.

That sounds good.

God, you're so naive!

Isn't there, like, someone else you can talk to about this?

Yeah, well, I used to have this pen pal in Nicaragua, but she just stopped writing after this hurricane thingy.

Your new room is very pretty.

Like a flower or a girl.

You know, people might see this room and think you are the gay.

I don't think so, Fez.

Oh, Hyde, you would be surprised how easily people can make that mistake.

Hey, Hyde, thanks for your help with Jackie, man.

Sure thing, man.

Okay, Hyde, do you know what sarcasm is?

No.

Hyde, man, you almost got me caught.

I almost got you caught?

"My mom sewed my name in Eric's shirt"?

You are so lame, man.

Well, you know, half the time you act like you want me to get caught.

Kelso, you're my friend.

I don't want you to get caught.

'Cause if you get caught, then my fun is over.

Right?

So I'm just trying to prolong your suffering.

Well, okay, that's a little better.

All right.

Friends for life, baby. Yeah.

Well, Steven's getting all settled in.

He'd better not change anything.

I don't want him messing with my little girl's room.

I mean, you know how he is.

Messy, dirty, foul.

What if she has to move back home?

Oh, Red, she is gonna be fine.

Oh, I know, Kitty, you think that she is all grown up, but there's still a lot that she doesn't know.

I mean, what if her place doesn't have a deadbolt?

Or a smoke detector?

Red, you don't have to baby her. She's 20.

You're never too old to burn to death in a fire.

Well, would you look at this.

She even found a place in a nice neighborhood.

Ain't she somethin'.

Well, I hope she hasn't had breakfast yet...

Or a fire.

Can I help you?

Uh... No, got the wrong apartment, I guess.

Sorry.

Not a problem.

Uh, wait, is Laurie there?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, hold on a second. Honey.

Oh, hi, Daddy.


Damn it all to hell!

Honey, what's wrong?

What's wrong? Everything is wrong.

Damn kids today, they wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and bit 'em in the ass.

Get a job?

Ha!

It's just party all night, dance all day, and sex everywhere in between!

Sickening!

Laurie's living with a boy.

Yes.

Just...

Just one boy, right?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, now, see? It could have been worse.

Laurie's busted.

This is, and I don't think I'm exaggerating here, the greatest day in the history of time.

Except maybe the day cheese was invented.

I love the cheese.

Wow, man, she's gone one day, and she's already got a new guy.

Kelso, you heartbreaker, you.

Yeah, I'm havin' a horrible day.

Laurie's gone and Jackie's all suspicious of me.

And I'm gettin' no lovin'. None.

I can't be me without lovin'.

Kelso...

If you want to keep Jackie, man, and trust me, you don't, you gotta act innocent, okay?

Let's practice.

So, did you fool around with Laurie?

You know I did!

Dumb-ass, no, man! Complete denial.

Watergate. Learn.

So, did you fool around with Laurie?

Yeah.

Wait, no. I mean, no!

Wait, I mean, yeah.

No, see, this isn't gonna work.

It was just so perfect.

If I could go back in time, I'd just relive that moment over and over again.

"Hi, Daddy."

"Hi, Daddy."

"Hi, Daddy."

Just tell Jackie the truth.

Then, if she leaves you for another man, whoever he might be, no hard feelings.

You do not need Jackie.

Sweet, luscious Jackie.

You are an evil little foreign man.

Don't ever change.

Look, Kelso, all right, I'll help you out with Jackie, man.

I'll talk you through the whole thing step by step.

Thanks, man.

You know, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie.

But I was just amusing myself, you know?

And that's the key to life, right?

Never stop amusing yourself.

Unless it starts to chafe.

Then you should take a week off.

It's almost Tuesday, right?

Eric, I'm asking you, have I been a bad father?

Maybe I've been too hard on her.

I mean, for God's sake, I think I'm a fair man.

Right?

Eric, I'm talkin' to you.

Does this need more mayonnaise?

Get out of here!

Thank you.

Boy, Kitty, we got a pair to beat a full house, that's for sure.

Well, Red, relax. You're overreacting.

I'm overreacting?

Well, I'll tell you what, Kitty, people are gonna talk.

Her livin' with that guy.

Red, it doesn't matter if people talk.

Laurie is still a part of this family, which is why I invited her to dinner tonight.

Oh, no, no, no, Kitty. I'm not ready for that.

Oh, that's sweet, the way you say that like you have a choice.

Look, Kitty...

She's coming.

Well, I'm glad we're all eating dinner together as a family.

Yeah, it's nice, especially since Laurie could make it from all the way across town, where she lives with some guy

in sin.

Are you ever gonna hit puberty?

Oh.

Ow. But you know what's really sad is that you got no respect for yourself or this family.

Daddy.

Well, he's not wrong.

But... But, Daddy...

Red.

Well, Kitty, who's gonna buy the cow when they get the milk for free?

You know, Dad, it's not like she's hooking...

Or some other less bad example.

I mean, she's just livin' with a guy, and it is the '70s now, right?

What are you babbling about?

Well, maybe...

Maybe I just think you're being a little hard on her.

Well, that's nice, Eric, but right now I am too angry to pretend to give a crap about what you think!

These are great potatoes, Mrs. Forman.

Thanks, Eric.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, why don't you boys take your plates in and watch some McMillan & Wife.

You know, just once today I'd like to finish a meal without getting chased out of the room.

Well, Laurie, you better stop your lying and face up to this one.

Just look at what you're doing to your father.

Mom, I'm an adult, okay? No, no.

No, an adult would have told the truth and not lied about moving in with a girlfriend, which I knew wasn't true.

Well, Mom, if you already knew, then why didn't you tell Dad?

Then we wouldn't be in this mess!

Oh, good God, Rosemary had a better baby than me.

Okay, you've been acting kind of weird ever since Laurie gave you that T-shirt, Michael.

First off, act innocent.

I don't know what you're talking about, Jackie.

Of course, she'll explain herself.

It's like you're hiding something.

But you just stick to your original story.

I'm sticking to my original story!

Now, she'll be skeptical...

Uh-huh...

So go on the offensive.

You know, Jackie, you're just being paranoid...

And that hurts.

Because you don't trust me, and other stuff.

And then, she'll be so embarrassed, she'll cave and apologize to you.

Fine.

I believe you, Michael.

But know this.

If you're not telling the truth, I will find out, 'cause I'm smart, and you aren't.

Then all you have to do is forgive her.

Okay, Jackie, I forgive you.

Red, I think you're being a little hard on Laurie.

I don't care what anyone thinks.

What she is doing is wrong.

Now that I think back on it, I don't know if I ever knew that girl.

Livin' with a guy.

Oh, is that a foreign car? Aw, jeez.

Red, you have gone your whole life thinking she is just a little girl, but she is an adult now, and she is not a perfect one.

Boy, is she not a perfect one.

But you know what?

You have to love your children, even when they do things you don't like or, better yet, hate.

You think you do a good job, you think that you teach your children the difference between right and wrong, and this is what you get. Well, the hell with it.

Okay, I guess we don't love her anymore.

Let's take all pictures of Laurie out of here and pretend she's not ours.

And if we see her on the street, let's ignore her.

No, let's throw things at her.

Well, now you're just being stupid.

And you're not being a good father.

Well...

Okay.

Maybe I have been kind of a...

A dumb-ass.

I was gonna say unreasonable.

Fine. Fine.

You're an unreasonable dumb-ass.

Are you done now?

I think I am.

The Bradys were such a nice family.

I bet Mr. Brady never grew to hate Marcia.

But then again, Marcia wasn't so whory.

No, she really wasn't.

What? No. Come on. This is our thing.

You love this.

I'm mean to you. You're mean to me.

So, come on, hit me.

Sorry.

I can't. Not today.

Eric, you were just leaving.

Dad, I think maybe you should take it a little easy on...

Eric.

You're on your own.

Laurie, I've been, uh, thinking...

About the thing that happened at the place you live.

And, uh, I want you to know that I understand that you're not my little girl anymore.

But I like being your little girl.

But you're not.

You're my daughter.

And you're a grown-up who's going to do awful and stupid things.

But I'll still love you.

I love you, too.

And I'm sorry.

So, Daddy, can I move back in?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, good!

Yeah, great to have you back.

So...

Your man friend kicked you out, didn't he?

No!

He moved back in with his wife.

Well, I just... I...

I need a little yellow pill.

Hyde!

Hyde!

Come on, Hyde, get out! It's my room!

No! I'll never leave. You're in the basement.

I'm the favorite now.

Hyde, I'm serious!

No! I've barricaded the door.

You'll never get in!

Well, jeez, tough break.