That '70s Show S2E12 Script

Eric's Stash (2000)

Well, boys, there she is, our brand-new water heater.

Ain't she a beauty?

Yep. This is the best water heater ever.

God bless us every one.

You know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?

'Cause he had a smart mouth?

That's right.

So, guys, tomorrow is the anniversary of Donna's and my first kiss.

And just for that, I'm gonna give her something really special.

You've been trying to give her that for a year, and so far...

Not that.

Something nice.

Forman, man, trust me, okay?

Just pick her some flowers.

The fact that you even remembered will guarantee you some action.

And who doesn't love the action, huh?

Check out this necklace.

Wow, man, is that real gold? No.

Real diamonds? No.

But it costs 60 bucks.

Nice! Nice!

Yeah, thanks.

So, if you'll all please avert your eyes, I have to, uh, get my secret stash of cash.

What, you mean your Candy Land stash?

My Can...

I don't keep my money in the...

Candy Land box.

You moved your money from the Candy Land box?

Oh, shut up and turn around!

Oh, my God, you guys.

Someone stole all my money.

From Candy Land?

How could such a sad thing happen in such a happy place?

j& Hangin' out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing

j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

The winner, and still champion, Muhammad Ali.

All right, Fez, you lose.

Give me five bucks.

Hey. What's goin' on?

I just lost five bucks on the Muhammad Ali fight.

Fez, that's a rerun. That fight happened a week ago.

So what are you guys doing?

We're playing Candy Land.

And I'm stuck in the Marshmallow Mountain again.

Where's Eric?

I don't know. He's searching the house.

He can't find his money stash.

It's not in the Candy Land box?

Oh, my God. You guys.

Guess who's gonna be in the Miss Dairy Princess Pageant?

Oh, I know. A cow?

No.

Me!

A beauty pageant?

Yeah! I mean, look, Donna, it's not enough that we know I'm prettier than everyone else.

I want the world to know!

And what better way to do it than go on stage and parade around like a piece of meat?

I know! I know!

And get this, Michael is gonna be my pageant boy!

Pageant boy.

Jackie, I am not a pageant boy.

I'm a beauty coach.

Yeah, that's a lot better, Kelso.

So, Donna, you want to go see my gown?

Let's go.

Oh, I will help.

I have a way with women's' hair.

Let's go, girls.

Man, a beauty coach?

What's goin' on with you?

When Jackie wins this pageant, I am gonna be the guy with the hottest chick of all of the hot chicks.

Yeah, Kelso, that's genius.

Yeah, just picture it.

And this year's Miss Dairy Princess is...

Kelso's girlfriend!

Yes!

Oh, thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you, Bob Eubanks.

Mr. Kelso, now that you've been crowned, what's going to be your first order of business?

Well, as Mr. Dairy Princess, I would like to give milk products to all of those in need.

And then someday, I would like to rule an entire hot chick dairy kingdom!

Settle down, girls. There's plenty of me to go around here.

Well...

Okay, I gotta go win this thing.

All right, where's my money?

What money?

The money you stole from my...

Special place.

You mean, the pathetic bundle of ones you keep in your little Candy Land game?

So you admit you knew where it was.

Okay, Eric, first of all, you were a mistake.

Ask Mom and Dad.

And second, if I did steal it, I'd tell you to your face and then I'd steal it more.

Yeah, that does sound like you.

Damn! Who took my money?

Isn't it obvious who took it?

I mean, think about it, no morals, lack of character, bad reputation.

So you did take it.

No, you idiot. Hyde.

He's staying down in the basement, he's poor, he steals stuff.

No.

No, Hyde wouldn't do that to me.

I'm sure you're right, Eric. He's a real good friend.

So, Kelso tells me Hyde tried to steal Donna last year.

Is that true? No.

I mean...

Well, he tried, but he didn't succeed.

Hmm, that's not much better, is it, Eric?

Was I really a mistake?

They sued the condom company.

So?

So what do you think?

Jackie, if you want to win, that dress has to be a lot shorter.

Give to Fez.

Okay, Jackie, let's get to work.

Well, Michael, we've already done a lot.

I mean, I decided on this dress, and Fez is gonna do my hair.

All right. But I'm gonna tell you something, Jackie.

I've seen pictures of his people and they aren't pretty.

Bite me, pageant boy.

Coach.

All right, fine. I guess we could use the help.

Fez, you can handle Jackie's body and I'll take care of her mind.

So, Jackie, does the winner get a scholarship or something?

Who cares? College is for ugly girls who can't get modeling contracts.

No, college is for women who don't want to marry the first idiot they meet and squeeze out his bastard moron children.

Hey, Mom.

When you were cleaning up downstairs, you didn't happen to come across 60 bucks, did you?

Oh, Eric, did you lose your Candy Land cash?

Does everyone know where I keep my money?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. It was a good hiding place.

Oh! Maybe you put it in Chutes and Ladders.

No. I checked.

I mean, I don't know who could have taken it.

At first I thought it was Laurie, but...

Oh, honey, no. Laurie wouldn't steal from you.

She steals from me.

Right.

So that only leaves one person.

I mean...

He does live in the basement.

Oh, okay, now, if you are talking about Steven, I'm gonna get mad.

He is a good apple and he is your friend and you can trust him.

Can I? I mean...

No, Mom, I hate thinking this.

It's just...

It all adds up. I mean, if not Hyde, then who?

Well, it could be...

Okay, you know what? I do not want to talk about this anymore.

Okay.

Oh.

Here comes a dumb question.

Uh, I wasn't a mistake, was I?

Oh, for...

For...

Okay! Who wants some cocoa?

Okay, Jackie, in 30 seconds or less, what do you hope to accomplish as Miss Dairy Princess?

Go!

Um...

Um...

Um...

You just lost, lady!

Michael, I was thinking.

Oh, really?

Well, in 1974, Miss Alabama started thinking.

Do you know where she is now?

Alabama.

Ew!

God, Michael, I don't want to accomplish anything.

I just want the title so I can lord it over people.

That's all I want, too, Jackie.

Okay, so the next category's talent.

I can sing.

Oh, no, you can't.

So...

Boy, am I disappointed.

I went to get my money, but someone stole it.

So forget the fake gold necklace from Sears.

Now I gotta get Donna a crappy gift.

Hey, what would you guys rather see Jackie do, walk a tightrope or ride a mechanical bull?

Well, either way, she'll fall on her ass, so I like 'em both.

So, Eric, which rat bastard do you think stole your money?

Well, I mean, it's anyone's guess.

For all I know, I mean, it could be someone in this very room.

How exciting.

A mystery.

Is Fez a suspect?

Yeah, probably not, Fez.

Why not? I can be evil.

I hate you.

See?

Oh, Eric, I don't hate you.

I love you. I'm sorry.

That's okay, Fez.

And, uh, I'm also pretty sure Kelso here didn't take it.

Hey, how long do you guys think Jackie could hold her breath?

Gee, Inspector.

So if it isn't Kelso and it isn't Fez, I wonder who you could suspect?

Dillhole.

Uh-oh.

Hyde, I didn't say you took it.

Hey, you guys know what a funny word is?

Pickle-weasel!

Forman, then say I didn't take it.

You are both bringing me down.

Hyde, why don't you just say you didn't take it?

I shouldn't have to say I didn't.

Look, just tell me you didn't and I'll totally trust you.

You know what's a funny word?

Pickle-weasel!

How about I tell you this?

Go to hell, Forman!

Oh, my God! Jackie should clog dance! We can't lose!

Beauty pageant, here we come!

Aw, you ran out of gas, you idiot.

You forgot to get gas?

God, Jackie, someone had to hem your outfit for the clog dance.

Michael, I told you, I'm not doing a clog dance!

God, your stupid van has ruined my life!

Your life?

What about my life?

What about your life?

Jackie, we are a team.

And part of being a team is that you have to do exactly what I tell you.

You know, Jackie, there is no "U" in "teamwork"!

Oh, Jackie, you're upset.

Come, sit on my lap.

Ta-da! Happy anniversary!

Oh, my God.

Wow, they're beautiful.

I got you something, too. Here, open it.

Oh, my God.

It's a watch.

And it's all digital and stuff!

Oh, gee, look at that.

You had it engraved.

What, you don't like it?

No. No, I love it. It's just...

Man, you spent a lot of money on this.

Yeah, which means you better start putting out.

Okay, it's kind of hard to be a tease if you're not playing along.

Donna, I was going to get you something really great, but...

Yeah, I heard about the crime spree in Candy Land.

Yeah.

Oh! You want to see a picture of what I was going to get you? Sure.

You were gonna get me that?

Oh, my God, that's so pretty.

What do you think, by Christmas maybe, if you save your money?

Donna.

Well, Eric, after seeing this, I mean, I hate these crappy flowers.

I know. I didn't want to give you crappy flowers.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I love the flowers.

But, you know, maybe if I return that watch, I can get this for myself.

Give me the watch back! No way!

Give me it! Come and get it!

I don't know, Fez, maybe Michael was right.

Maybe I don't have what it takes to win the pageant by myself.

That is nonsense.

You are pretty and nice and talented and sweet, and everything good in the whole world is you.

I know, I know.

That's what I told Michael.

But then he said...

Who cares what Michael said?

He was using you for your beauty so he could become popular.

He makes me sick.

God.

I never thought of it that way.

Okay, Jackie.

I've had some time to think, and, uh...

I'm still disappointed in you.

But I'm willing to talk about...

Okay, stop.

Michael, stop. I've been talking to Fez, and I have only one thing to say to you.

I love you!

What?

See, Michael, you must have really believed in me to think you could ride my coattails to the top.

Oh, baby.

Come here.

Mmm.

Okay, get off me, both of you.

You make me sick.

Hey, what are you doin', Red?

Ah, I borrowed Eric's Candy Land money to pay for the water heater.

You, uh, you took Eric's money?

Shh. He doesn't know a thing about it.

It's back now. He'll be none the wiser.

Hey, hey! How ya doin'?

Look, Hyde, I just got back from hanging out with Donna and you know what?

Hyde, I don't even care what happened to my money.

'Cause money doesn't make the world go around.

You know what does?

Screw you. You called me a thief.

It's love. That's right.

Love makes the world go around.

Well, that's great.

Because Red took your money.

Right, Hyde. My dad took it. Yeah.

Why don't you ask him, Forman?

Uh, Dad, Hyde said you took my money?

Oh, yeah. I was a little short on the water heater.

Thanks for helping out.

Good news, buddy. You're cleared.

Why don't you get bent, man?

Wait a minute.

You accused Steven of stealing your money?

Well, yeah, but to be fair, Dad, that was before I found out you stole it.

Which brings up why you didn't ask me, and also, you know, you could've told me.

Well, you could've.

Okay.

I'm sorry that I took some money out of your little box.

When I feed you and clothe you and put a roof over your head.

Sorry.

Now.

How could you do that to Steven?

He's your best friend.

Well, he made a move on Donna.

Oh, come on.

Okay.

Well, then, there's only one thing that we can do.

Nine rounds of bare-knuckle boxing.

Come on.

Help me move the couch.

Wait, uh, Dad, I don't...

Oh, no, no, no. I'll referee.

Believe me, when it's over, you'll both feel great.

I know I will.

Red... Look.

If you're not mad enough to bare-knuckle box, then you're not mad.

Now, both of you need to just get the hell over it.

Once again, Red's simple, earthy wisdom saves the day.

Yeah, ain't he a peach?

Look, Hyde.

I just...

God, I am so sorry.

You know what, man?

You either forgive me for what happened with Donna, or you don't.

You can't keep throwing that in my face.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Um, it's over.

I'm never gonna bring it up again. I promise.

Yeah, all right.

Whoa.

Man, she got you this watch, and all you got her were those crappy flowers?

You loser!

You're the loser.

Yeah! Dance, baby, dance!

Go, Jackie!

Looking good, baby!