That '70s Show S2E13 Script

Hunting (2000)

Hey, look at this.

It's the first day of deer season.

Rabbit season. Duck season.

Rabbit season. Duck season.

"Wabbit" season. Duck season.

Well, Red, you haven't been hunting in ages.

Not since the accident.

What accident?

The really terrible accident that's none of your business.

Oh, yeah. That one.

You know, why don't you go?

It might be fun. Get out of the house, get some fresh air, maybe get out of your lousy damn mood.

Sorry.

I'd love to go, Kitty, but we just can't afford it.

Oh, yes, we can. I will pack you some food and a nice box of bullets, and you're on your way.

Dad, you could use the Pinciottis' cabin.

Bob has a cabin?

Well, isn't that just the cat's ass.

Oh, boo-hoo, the world's unfair.

Now just ask Bob if you can borrow his cabin.

Okay, we'll go. Just us guys.

Uh, Mom?

Well, you should go. You don't spend nearly enough time with your father.

That's because he doesn't like me.

Yes, he does like you. And that's no excuse.

Well, I don't have a gun.

My mom took it when she left.

Well, you can share. You know, there is something about a gun that just makes you want to share.

Okay, fine, Mom. I'll go with Dad, but if I don't come back, you'll know who did it.

You know, he's never really warmed up to you.

Going on 17 years now.

Okay, we're going hunting.

Well, yay!

With Bob.

Oh.

Well, you know, maybe you'll cheer up after you shoot something.

I always do.

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hey, Red, don't freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna shoot him.

Kelso, you fire that gun in this car and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.

Do it, Red, do it!

Come on, Forman, would you get that gun away from him?

No, I want to hold it.

Give it up, Kelso.

I have a right to bear arms, all right?

That's in the Constitution.

Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.

Whoa, Fez. Shut up.

What did you say?

Uh, nothing.

Foreigners. I hear you.

So, so, so.

What to do?

I should have gone hunting.

No, no, no. We can have fun.

We can have our very own fun.

We could...

I'm not baking anything. Aw!

Okay, who wants Jell-O?

Jell-O's baking.

No, no, no.

Jell-O's boiling.

Gotcha.

Hey, Red. So tell me about that hunting accident.

It sounds like a funny story.

Think we'll see any bears?

I'd love to kill a bear.

You can't shoot a bear, it's deer season.

You shoot a bear, you get fined, you go to jail.

No, I'll just say it was self-defense.

Who is the jury gonna believe, me or a dead bear?

A dead bear. A dead bear.

I killed a bear once.

Your ass.

I did. I did.

I was getting a drink from a stream, see, when suddenly I heard something.

Grabbed my shotgun, boom.

Right between the eyes.

Survival.

So what did you do then?

You, uh, bring it home? Get it stuffed?

Nope. Left it there. Went home.

How come you didn't bring it home?

Get it stuffed?

On account it was so huge.

So it's a stand-off.

I won't shave my legs, Bob won't shave his back.

Okay, ew!

You know, Red doesn't have a hairy back, and thank God for that. No offense.

Good news for you, Donna.

That means Eric probably won't have one either.

He can't even grow a mustache.

Oh, please. Eric's body is bald as can be.

You know, I don't even think he hit puberty until about 15.

Really?

Oh, he probably won't like that I said that.

I think Eric's the sweetest kid.

So, Donna, have you and Eric...

Mother, please!

The answer's no.

Hey, hey.

Everybody just shut up.

Well, I for one am not so naive as to think that you and Eric...

Ahhh!

Okay, well, I guess we're upsetting her, so what should we do now?

Well, if Donna wasn't so uptight, we could talk about...

I'm gonna go home.

Do you want me to go home? 'Cause I will.

Donna, please don't go home.

I think it's very nice that you're spending time with your mother.

God knows, Laurie won't.

You guys, let's play poker.

I bet I'm good at it.

You never played poker before?

Uh-uh, but I have lots of money.

Oh, well, honey. Have a seat.

I'll get the cards.

Oh, my God.

Damn!

Damn. Damn it all! Damn!

Kelso, what the hell are you doing?

Well, I would be proudly standing over my kill right now if someone hadn't taken my gun away.

Kelso, you can't fire the gun in the camp.

The deer walked right through here.

He was mine. I was gonna hunt him.

You know, Kelso, not every hunting accident is an accident.

I think you'd better sit this one out, pal.

Fine.

You know, I saw a deer blind on the way in.

Anybody want to go check it out?

I'll go.

No, not me.

I just came to hang out.

When I crave meat, I buy bologna.

So, where's Fez?

Kelso probably shot him.

No, no, no. I saw him walking into the woods right after we got here.

Said he was going hunting.

He had a whistle and a stick.

Oh, that crazy foreign bastard.

Let's eat.

Wow, those were some delicious birds.

Key chain?

No, I'm good.

So you caught those birds with just a whistle and a stick?

Very impressive, Fez.

Yeah, you know, that's a good way to hunt, 'cause even if you don't get anything, you still have all the fun of a whistle and a stick.

I'll take the key chain. Give it to Midge. Little memento.

I feel good about that, Bob.

Midge is nice.

Yep, we all like Midge.

Yeah, Midge has nice jugs.

What?

What?

No, you said something.

No, I didn't.

So, what's up with your hair, huh?

Man, I am at one with nature right now.

Thanks for the pheasant, Fez.

Pheasant, Fez. Pheasant, Fez.

Yes, beautiful black pheasants.

Black pheasants.

Wait, pheasants aren't black.

Yeah, black is beautiful. I wish Jackie was black.

What did you feed us, Fez?

They were pheasants. They went, "Coo-caw."

"Coo-caw."

You fed us a crow?

You're not supposed to eat a crow, man.

You just brought some bad ju-ju on us all.

We ate somebody's soul, man.

I know. I have eaten someone's delicious soul.

Hey, good news, guys. I found my gun.

What? It's probably not loaded.

Oh, wow, Mom. You're not good.

Well, you're not even playing so keep it to yourself, Ms. Smarty.

Okay, I'll play.

You want to play cards with your mother?

Sure.

Well, I am gonna call the Milwaukee Journal.

Kitty? How many kings are in a pack?

Four.

I bet $1.00.

Well, um, I see that there are four queens in a deck, too.

Oh, Mom. That is so pathetic.

Fine, I fold.

I'm in.

Okay, uh, do you want any cards?

Yeah, can I have two fives, please?

And I'll have one card.

Oh, it's a five. Jackie, did you want this?

You gave her a five?

I thought we were friends.

Okay, you know what?

Everybody just show your cards.

Okay, did I win? Did I win? Did I win?

Not even close.

Oh. Well, I don't care.

I don't work, so money doesn't really mean anything to me.

Oh, how nice for you.

Hey, Dad. I don't know about you, but I'm kind of frozen to the blind.

Right in the pants area.

Shh. Jeez, you have done nothing but complain since we got here.

You know, I was hoping that this trip would be better than the last, where you cried about every stupid thing.

I was six.

And you made me touch a dead rabbit.

I just thought that if you touched it, you might not be afraid of it.

Well, thank you, Dr. Spock.

Making noise is not the way to bag a deer.

I had nightmares for a month.

Big, dead, rabbit nightmares.

Oh, man. We got one. He is huge.

Where? I don't see it.

It's about a quarter click south of the clearing.

What is a click?

And which way is south?

Oh, no, wait, okay, I see him.

Yeah. Oh, you're right, Dad.

He is huge.

You're not kidding.

I'd say he's a 10-pointer.

What?

I was just thinking. You take the shot.

No way. You always talk about getting a buck. You do it.

No, damn it. Now don't argue with me.

Now take the shot.

Come on. Hurry up.

Oh, and don't shoot him in the face.

Holy cow, look at him go.

Man, you really stink.

I told you to take the shot.

Well, I just thought it would be nice for you to get a deer. I mean...

God knows, I'd love to get one.

Then you should have taken the shot.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why are you always so damn nervous?

Oh, hmm, I don't know.

Maybe it's because you've been yelling at me for 17 years?

Oh, I have not.

Oh, God, he was right there.

I could have hit him with a rock.

Yep, that's a damn shame.

So are you ready to head back?

No, I sure as hell am not ready to head back.

You want to go back? You go back.

So.

Hey, Dad. How about a war story?

Yeah, okay.

Did I ever tell you about the time I didn't miss that North Korean?

Full house. Jacks over 10s.

Mom wins again.

Well, this is fun, isn't this fun?

It was fun till Laurie started dealing.

Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

Oh, my gosh. I think Mrs. Pinciotti is saying that Laurie's cheating.

No, she's not.

Wait. Yes, I am.

My daughter does not cheat.

Come on, Donna. We're storming out of here.

Okay, see ya.

Hold on. I'll storm with you.

Thank you for a lovely afternoon, Mrs. Forman.

Laurie, were you cheating?

You can't prove anything.

Oh, for God's sake.

Okay. Well, if you weren't such a crappy card player, then I wouldn't have had to cheat.

And you were gonna lose all your mad money, and Midge bugs me.

You were cheating so I would win.

Duh! I wanted you to have a little fun.

Well...

Gosh, that's sweet.

Yeah.

I love you, Mommy.

I just know I wouldn't have missed him.

Not when he was that close. No way.

Here.

Dad, you see the can by that clearing?

Yeah.

I don't believe it. How'd you do that?

Dad, I know how to shoot.

Don't you remember my Taxi Driver phase?

I didn't want to kill him.

I missed on purpose.

Well, I can respect that more than you being a crappy shot.

What? Why didn't you say so?

Why do you think?

You really think I've been yelling at you for 17 years?

No.

You were probably okay with me as an infant.

I just can't remember.

Boy, it was right around 13 when you started getting a little lippy.

And twitchy.

Well, you know, lippy and twitchy tend to walk hand-in-hand, so...

See? Now that's lippy.

You got something you want to say to me, you just say it.

Dad...

No, I'm serious here.

Just for a second, pretend that I'm not your dad.

I want you to tell me what you really think of me.

How about let's do this when you don't have a gun?

How about you do what the guy with the gun tells you to do?

Okay.

I think you're angry because life didn't turn out exactly the way you wanted it to, and, uh, maybe you think if you yell at me, I won't let life push me around, too.

You came up with that answer awful fast.

Well...

Hell, Eric. Maybe you'll be okay.

Oh, my God. Dad, he's back.

Oh, look at him. He's magnificent.

He's the king of the forest.

Just like...

Bambi's dad.

He's beautiful.

Yeah, and I'll bet he tastes beautiful, too.

Oh, uh, just for the record, Eric.

I'm the king of the forest.

Way to go, Dad. You finally got your buck.

I wish it was mine, but somebody took my gun away

'cause he sensed what a great hunter I am.

Kelso, if we let you keep your gun, Fez would be the one strapped to that hood right now.

Hey, Red. So, uh, about that accident, huh?

Ah, yeah. Well, it was a long time ago.

I was out, uh, hunting with Frank.

He was a good friend of mine, a good guy.

Kind of a dumb-ass like Kelso here.

So anyway, Frank had shot this deer, and he was real happy, and he'd had a few beers so he was dancing around, and it was all real fun, and then he leans over to kiss the deer, only the deer's not dead yet, and it kicks him right in the neck.

And it killed him.

The deer is staring at my soul.

Put some sunglasses on it.

Well, this is just delicious.

Sorry about the buck shot.

Oh, I don't mind. I mean, there's usually some mystery gristle in meat.

At least we know what it is.

I like it better when you fish, Daddy.

It was jerking around, so, uh, Eric shot it with the shotgun.

Well, I had to. It was screaming.

Killed a raccoon once.

Hit him with my uncle's car.

So bad.

All right. Settle down, killer.

Yeah. Sounds like we're all a bunch of real killers.

Good God. Crack a window.

Whew!

That is unpleasant.

Son of a bitch!