That '70s Show S2E14 Script

Red's New Job (2000)

So, let's get to the loving, huh?

So, how about a little mood music, huh?

Zeppelin or Foghat?

Whatever.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not into it today.

Actually, I feel like talking.

Oh, okay, yeah. I'll try anything once.

Well, it's just...

Lately I feel like all my friends are away at school and I'm the only one here and I just feel like this huge failure.

Laurie, don't be silly.

Failures are ugly, and you're hot.

That's true.

Yeah. Thanks, Kelso.

Yeah.

I guess it all started in junior high.

That's when a girl really defines who she is.

You know what I mean?

So, we're talking some more?

I really want to talk.

Okay.

Guess I'll put my shirt back on so we can talk some more.

Great.

Yeah. Super.

Look at this ad, Red.

They're opening a Pricemart right in our own town.

$14.95 for a toaster. Can you believe it?

No, I can't.

I bought that very same toaster in your store for twice that.

Yeah, that's my point.

That you screwed me?

Red, $14.95 is below my cost.

This Pricemart could put me out of business.

Hey, they're hiring.

Red, you can't.

These giant corporations come into town.

They destroy little businesses like mine.

They're evil.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Where is the food?

Eric, you should give your refrigerator to people who have food.

Look at this.

Hamburger Helper. Tuna Helper.

A can of beets?

Oh, gross. I will not eat a darn beet.

You know what, Forman? Your dad better get a job, and soon.

'Cause I'm starving here.

I'll tell him you said that.

Michael, it's not polite to remind poor people that they're po...

Less fortunate.

We're not less fortunate.

We're just on a budget.

Well, it is a hell of a tiny budget.

Oh, that's not funny. That's sad.

Hey, Kelso, eat that.

All right. Green Jell-O.

Hey, Jackie, try some. I heard green stuff makes you horny.

Michael, that only works with green M&M's, duh.

Nuh-uh. It's everything green.

Right, Donna?

Actually, Kelso, you know what really makes you horny?

Beets.

Yeah, right.

No, it's true. I saw it on 60 Minutes, man.

Beet farmers with, like, 10, 15 kids.

Man, how's come everything good for you always tastes so bad.

I'm trying it.

Michael, honey, don't eat our beets.

Yeah, you know, Michael, Mrs. Forman's right.

You're horny enough as it is.

Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

I get it, Bob.

Kitty, I'm getting a job at Pricemart.

And I guess I've just been too concerned with the needs of others and I haven't thought enough about myself.

Kelso? Yeah?

Yeah. Listening.

So, what do you think?

Well, uh, I...

Agree?

Really? Yeah!

Okay, I mean, everything you said makes so much sense.

So, who wants sex? I know I do!

Kelso, I'm feeling really close to you and I think I want a relationship.

Yes. That's what I want.

A sexual relationship.

No, no, I mean I want more from you than just sex.

Don't be silly, Laurie. Sex is enough for any woman.

Kelso, I want an emotional relationship.

Exactly! We both want a sexually emotional relationship.

This Pricemart looks like a heck of an outfit, Kitty.

Yeah, maybe I should go down there and get a job too.

When your father's in a good mood, what do I say?

No talking?

Thank you.

Eric, I've told you.

Your job is to study hard, get good grades, get a scholarship, go to college and move away.

End of discussion.

Then how come Hyde gets to have a job?

Because, Forman, you have potential.

Whereas I'll be a success if I stay out of jail.

Exactly!

Oh, no, Steven, that is not true.

It's just it's a little different because he doesn't have any parents.

Oh, my God. I don't have any parents?

Okay, okay. Wish me luck.

Okay, good luck, honey. Good luck.

Knock 'em dead.

Man, what's his problem? I just, I just want to help out.

Well, I am sorry, Eric, but I agree with your father.

School is your job.

Oh and...

Also to be my precious little baby boy.

Mom! We talked about this.

I'm not a boy anymore. I'm a man.

Shut up, Hyde. I am a man!

Fine.

My precious little baby man.

Oh, man.

You are so lucky your mom's a runaway alcoholic.

I must say, Red. I am very impressed with your experience.

Well, thank you, Mr. Herbison.

Oh, call me Ted, Red.

Hey, Ted, Red. That's funny.

Oh, yeah. It is.

I didn't catch it there at first, but then whoop! That's funny.

Now I see you're applying for our supervisor position.

What would you say if I offered you a job right now?

I'd say let's break out the champale.

Great, 'cause we're hiring cashiers.

You get your own smock.

I'm not a cashier, Ted.

I'm management.

Okay. Then we'll let you know.

So, uh, Red, Ted. That's pretty funny, though.

On second thought, it's not that funny.

Red, come and eat your dinner.

Shh! Not hungry.

Hey, what's going on?

Shh! Red's waiting for a phone call.

Oh.

Shh!

You know, that phone hasn't rung all damn day.

Maybe it's broken. No, it's not broken.

No, it's not broken.

Oh! Damn! They could have called right then, got a busy signal, moved on to the next guy on the list.

Oh, man! I just screwed myself out of a job!

Wait, Red! Wait! Let it ring.

You don't want to seem desperate.

Right.

Eric, if this is one of your dumb-ass friends, you better start running.

Please don't be Kelso. Please don't be Kelso.

Hello.

It's Pricemart!

Yes.

This is the Forman residence.

You have good news?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay then. Thanks for calling.

So what's the good news?

The good news is Eric got a job at Pricemart.

Run, honey. Run.

Man, Red went ballistic on me.

I mean I want to keep the job, but I really don't want to wear my ass for a hat.

'Cause, you know, he said he could do that and I believe him.

Come on, Forman. Fight the power, man.

That way I can have your room after Red kills you.

Although I'm not sure an ass hat is fatal.

You know what would be a good job for me?

Gigolo.

The loving is over, now pay me.

So, Laurie's been talking a lot lately, right?

She's saying she wants a relationship.

You know, and I kept waiting for the dirty part, but the dirty part never came.

Kelso, I have a real problem here, okay?

I'd like to talk about that.

Right.

You know, dating two girls wasn't supposed to be like this.

You know, it was supposed to be like...

So, do you want to talk?

No way, I just want to fool around.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes!

Oh, talking is stupid.

You know, I'll just wait quietly until you and Laurie are done.

Have fun.

Well, thanks, babe.

You know what? Feel free to jump in.

Hey, Kelso, you mind if I join in your sexy circle, too?

Well, why not?

All Eric ever wants to do is talk.

I told you he was a loser.

I know. I mean, how am I supposed to talk when I don't have a thought in my pretty little red head?

See, Michael?

Donna's just as empty-headed as we are.

Oh, Donna, you'll make a great addition to our sexy circle.

All right, ladies. There's just one rule here.

There are no bras allowed.

Yay!

See, that's pretty sweet, huh?

What do you think?

I think it makes your ass look big.

You know, I just don't know why my dad doesn't want me to work.

I mean, yeah, I'm a real bad boy, Donna.

My big teenage rebellion is to get a job.

Ooh, you never know what I'm going to do next.

Oh, my God, look out.

He's got insurance.

You know I think it'll be great when you get a job.

Maybe on our dates we won't have to just sit in the car.

Maybe we can actually drive somewhere and maybe, I don't know, eat?

Or maybe I can get my own popcorn at the movies.

You're a dreamer.

Yeah, you know what?

I'm going to keep the job.

Whoa, you're like a rebel without a cause.

But with a cause.

And a smock. Right.

You got to hide me.

Kelso, are you down there?

I'm not here.

Have you seen Kelso?

Why, yes, I have. He's hiding from you in the shower.

Oh!

Hi.

Guess what! I just found my eighth grade diary.

Come on, I'll read it to you.

Great!

Hey, Forman.

Good news, Red.

I just took Cosmo's "10 ways to please your man in bed" test and I got 9 out of 10.

But I didn't get number three because I'm a nurse and number three is icky.

I can't believe that Eric.

Oh, I think working is important to Eric's self-esteem, and I really don't think it's a big deal.

But he only got a job, Kitty, because I don't have one.

And no son of mine is going to work and screw up his chances to go to a good college

'cause I can't carry the load.

I should have taken that crummy cashier's job.

Oh, now what kind of talk is that?

You deserve to be supervisor.

In fact, the Red Forman I know would march right down there and fight for it.

I've been out of work for six months.

I can't afford to fight right now, Kitty.

I've got to take their crappy offer and smile like a jackass while I do it.

Red, I don't think your smile is going to...

Oh, I'm going for a walk.

Well, wait a minute, honey.

You know what, we can split a bottle of wine and I'll give number three a shot.

That was a close one.

Did you quit that job?

Dad, I want to keep that job.

Well, it's a tough world, Eric.

And people don't always get what they want.

Especially you.

Dad, I'm pretty sure I'm not backing down on this one.

You're not?

Oh, no.

Well, I guess you win, then.

Dad, you always tell me never to back down.

"Don't back down."

"Formans never back down."

And now you're telling me to back down?

Well, Dad, I can only conclude that you're insane.

You think that's funny?

Well, you know, maybe not in the traditional "ha-ha" sense, but, you know, it's kind of...

Look, I've got to go.

You know, you're going to look real funny when you're wearing...

Your ass for a hat.

Yeah!

Even though I doubt that's physically possible.

Let's find out together.

Okay, Laurie, I want you to know that I really, really, really enjoy fooling around with you.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

And you should. 'Cause you're talented.

See, but I don't want one of those relationships because I already have one of those with Jackie.

But that can't last.

No.

See, what I'm saying is, is that we have to break this thing off.

That's a pretty big decision to make all on your own.

Maybe you and me and Jackie should all get together and discuss it.

No. You wouldn't.

Really?

Look at me, Kelso.

Look into my eyes.

Laurie, will you go out with me?

Oh, Kelso. I thought you'd never ask.

It's a smart move, taking cashier.

I know you were gunning for supervisor, but...

Hey, there's no shame in backing down.

Well, that is a mighty nice smock.

You know, you think that your kids don't listen to you. But they do.

I'm not sure I follow.

I changed my mind, Ted.

I'm here for the supervisor's job.

You know what I mean?

Ted?

Okay, well, now your father should be back from his interview any minute now.

Mom, how come we have to be here?

I could be using this time to...

Not be here.

No, this is a very difficult day for your father and he needs to be with his family.

I'll be in the basement. No, you sit!

Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I'm family.

Not to me, freak.

You are so going to end up in porno.

Hi, honey.

Right to the bar. Not a good sign.

What are you all looking at?

Don't you think that Pricemart's new supervisor deserves a drink?

Yay!

Yeah, I got it.

Congratulations, Dad.

Thanks, Eric.

Oh, and you're fired!

What? You can't do that.

Yes, I can. You're fired!

Hey, you know what? I'm not fired.

Okay, if it's so important to you, you're not fired.

But if your grades start to slip, you are fired!

I love saying that.

God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?

Wait, uh, I work for you.

I know.

So, dad, you and me going to work together.

What a nightmare, huh?

Oh, would you look at that?

They spelled your name wrong.

Just doesn't get old, does it?

Well, if it isn't Benedict and Arnold.

Bob, I needed that job and if you can't get that, well, I'm sorry. You're a dumb-ass.

Look, they misspelled Pricemart.

You want to keep that finger?

Uh-huh.

You've got to stop goofing around, Kelso.

Am I right, Jackie?

Laurie is so right, Michael.

We are very disappointed in you.

Even Eric got a job.

Yeah, even my stupid brother got a job.

Yeah, her brother's stupid and he got a job.

Sexy circle?

Oh!