That '70s Show S2E16 Script

The First Time (2000)

Okay. Here we go.

Right hand, blue.

Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.

That's where you are wrong, my friend.

Right leg, green.

Oh, that's gonna be tough.

Hey, Fez, man, the circus called.

They said they'll pay you 50 bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.

Take a message.

I have the greatest news in the world.

How the hell are you doing that?

I'm double-jointed.


My parents are renewing their wedding vows.

Wait, so double-dating degenerates and skeezy bar hags just lost its appeal?

You'd be amazed how fast skeezy bar hags lose their appeal.

But then, like, two beers later, it all comes roaring back.

No. Finally, the insanity's over.

You know, I'm really happy about this, Eric, and you should be, too.

My parents have been driving me nuts, and I've probably been a little moody lately.

No. God, you haven't been moody.

Oh, this is great.

Jackie's gonna get wedding fever.

Man, all I'm gonna hear is, "Michael, at our wedding, "don't shove cake in my face," and, "You better know how to dance," and, "There will not be a trampoline."

A wedding without a trampoline...

That's crazy talk.

Yeah. It'd be like a funeral without a dunk tank.

Yeah. You know what? She even knows what kind of china patterns she wants.

Pink and purple with unicorns.

Who wants to see a unicorn when they're eating pie?

Left leg, yellow.

Will someone please help me get my pants off?


j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all, all right j& We're all, all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Quit it.

Are you sure you have to help your parents with their wedding vows?

Yes. Quit it.

I got a vow.

I vow... kiss you so hard your pretty little red head pops off.


No. I could make that happen.

Quit it.

Donna, I'm sorry...

But pinning me only makes it sexier.

Hey, kids.

Hey, Donna, get off of me!


Huh, so, what's up?

Well, your mom and I have been talking.

We have a few ideas about the vows.

First of all, a wedding is a nice way to spend the day.

Write that down.

"Spending the day with your mom is nice."

That's my first vow.

I don't think that's a vow.

Yes, it is.

Okay, uh, Mom...

Why do you want to get remarried?

Well, when your dad and I were in the attic, we figured out I still fit in my wedding dress.

Oh, that's good, too.

"Midge, you're as thin today

"as the day I married you."

That's a nice vow.


So both the ceremony and reception will be completely green and gold...

In honor of the Packers.

That's... classy, Bob.

And Red, since you and I have a special bond, I'd like you to be my best man.



Well, I don't know, Bob.

Oh, I think that is just lovely.

Yeah. Fine. I'd love to be your best man.

And, Kitty, since you and Midge are so close, she'd like to ask you a special favor.

Oh, Bob.

I would be honored to be Midge's...

She'd like you to bring chairs.


Oh, Steven, how'd you like to be our wedding photographer?

Nope. I like to party at parties.

I'll give you 10 bucks.

20 plus a meatball sub.

Deal. Deal.

Well, got to go pick up my green and gold tux.

It's a special order.

Guy looked at me like I was an idiot.

Yeah. That was the look.

Well, can you beat that?

Midge and I are much better friends than you and Bob.

Well, men's friendships are...

All of my life I have wanted to be a bridesmaid.

None of my friends have ever asked me to be a bridesmaid.

Well, that's 'cause you're too pretty.

Oh, can it. That's not gonna work.

I am gonna be a bridesmaid.

Hey, wanna be the best man?

I'm sorry, man, I must have lost your film.

Are you sure it was this hut?

Hey, man. All right. Check this out, okay?

Friend of mine's having a wedding this weekend, and I told him that I'd be the photographer.

Cool, man.

I remember my wedding. It was magical, man.

Chicks and booze everywhere.

And I'd be willing to miss all that chicky-boozy fun to take pictures, you know?

But, Leo, man, I got a problem.

I can't see through the viewfinder because I have a glass eye.

How come your eye doesn't look like glass, man?

Well, that's 'cause it's special space-age glass.

Whoa. Your eye was in space?

That's awesome, man.


So, here's the deal, right?

Job pays 10 bucks and half a meatball sub.

So I'm missing out on a pretty sweet deal here.

Damn you, glass eye.

Well, hey, I could use the 10 bucks, man, and half a meatball sub.

If only I had a camera.


Hey, it's all coming together, man.

Why do we have to get all dressed up for this stupid rehearsal dinner?

Because my mom said so.

And we don't argue with mommy.

Okay. So, Jackie hasn't made me read a single bride's magazine.

I'm telling you, man. Ever since I set her house on fire, she's been acting really weird.

Hey, you know, when I'm trying to get in good with Donna, you know what works for me?

I don't set her house on fire. Yeah.

Oh, sure. Hindsight's 20/20.

Here, loser, Mom wants you to put this on.

Hey, Laurie.

Where have you been, you idiot?

Oh, well, Jackie was...

I told you never to say that name to me.

We have a relationship!

See, that's true, so... Shut up!

Jackie, hear me now.

I am not helping with any of the wedding stuff.


Oh, nice try, Jackie, but the reverse psychology's not gonna work on me.

My mind's too powerful.

Whatever. Okay.

Now, wait. Jackie, that's confusing!

I'm not chasing after you!

Oh, Kitty, would you like to meet the bridesmaids?

Oh, Bob, would I like to be a bridesmaid?

No. Would you like to meet the bridesmaids?

Oh. Whatever. Fine.

Uh, Kitty...

This is Barbara, Honor, and Holly.


Holly's the maid of honor.

Which is ironic that Honor is not the maid of honor.

I am so gonna get you. Shut up!

For God's sake, don't do this now.

You shut up!

I didn't fly in from Istanbul for this.

Well, um, well, that is... Is just a lovely dress.

Where do the batteries go?

Drink up!

Okay, Red, you're the best man.

You make the toast.

I would, but I'm not from Istanbul.

Oh, fine.

Excuse me. Ahem.


Listen up, you bastards!

I'm sorry about the, uh, the bastards thing.

Anyway, I'd like to make a special toast to two very special people, Bob and Midge.


Bob and Midge.

Bobby and Midgie.

Here's to Bob and Midge!


Red, that was a lovely toast. Well, thanks.

Kitty, I have another big favor to ask.


At the ceremony, I'm wearing something old, something new, something borrowed, and I wondered if you had something blue I could borrow.

No, but I have something sharp and rusty I'd love to give you.

No, thanks.


Dad, can I talk to you for a second?

I've been trying to work what we talked about into your vows, but I'm having a little trouble.

Did you put in that thing about your mom staying thin?

Yeah. So what's the problem?

Well, Dad, it just doesn't seem very...

Hey, there's nothing in there about me being thin, is there?

'Cause I can't get enough of these wienies.

I can't believe this.

Hey, good-lookin', have a cocktail wienie?

Leave me alone.

What? That's not a metaphor.

Look, cocktail wienies.

My God, can you believe it?

I know, it's unbelievable.

These are wedding vows, Eric, vows.

They're supposed to mean something.

Well, yeah. That's what I said, and I was told to shut up.

Shut up. What is this?

Scotch and soda.

Uh, that's not Scotch.

You're right. It's a Shirley Temple.

I just, I didn't wanna say that

'cause it sounded like something Christy McNichol would drink, so...


Their marriage almost ended.

They put me through hell, and now that they're getting back together, it's like it doesn't even mean anything.

How am I supposed to write about love when they are the worst example in the entire world?

No, no. Okay, look, they may not be the best example, but they do love each other.

They just can't express it, or...

Really any thoughts more complex than "I'm hungry."

But the important thing is that they really do love each other.

Yeah. I guess they do.

They do! You know they do.

And that's why they need you to say what they can't say...

Because, despite your bimbo-like good looks, you're very smart.

Look, write the vows that you would write.

And, Donna, I know...

I know it'll be great.



Oh, hey, Fez, uh, if anybody asks, this is a glass eye.


Hey, Leo, man. You all set?

Totally, man. I got everything.

Great. Where's the camera?

I got everything but the camera...

Or the film or the flashcubes.

I got nothing, man.

Leo, man, the Fotohut is loaded with that stuff.

I know. It's ironic, isn't it?

And yet, not surprising.

Hey, I'm Leo, and I'm also a Leo.

Think about it.

Yeah, wow. I'm Holly, and I think that's deep.

Boy, this wedding's gonna be pretty lame without a trampoline, huh?


All right, Jackie.

If you're mad at me, well, then use your mad voice.

And if you're not, well, then, lady, you better start chewing my ear off like usual.

Look, Michael, I'm not mad, okay?

Could you be any more annoying?


Oh, Kitty, it's a disaster.

The ceremony's starting, and I can't find Holly.

Well, I'm sure she's here somewhere.

I bet if we listen real hard, we can hear her dress.

All right, sweetie, I'll help you look.



Have you ever seen a girl do this before?

Once in Amsterdam.

I love photography, man.

Oh, my.


Sweetie, now, I just, um...

I just, I don't have a good feeling about this.

What am I gonna do? Well, you don't worry about that.

You go back inside. Oh, thank you, Kitty.

You're welcome.

I win.

Jackie, this is for you.

Oh, my God.

Pink and purple with a unicorn. You remembered!

Of course I remember.

I remember everything you tell me, even when you think I don't.


What's my favorite season?

Fall? Why?

Uh, the outfits flatter your chestnut eyes.


Slimming lines and dark colors.

Oh, my God, Michael!

When you started acting like an immature jerk, I started having doubts about us, but now this purple and pink unicorn candy dish proves you're a grown-up. Oh!

I'm a bridesmaid.

First of all, Midge and I would like to thank everyone for coming.

It really means a lot to us.

The vows we're exchanging were written by our daughter Donna, whom we love very much.

"Midgie, I consider it a privilege to be your husband."

Donna, I actually feel that way.

"Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife."

"We've known each other since we were practically kids...

"So we know all the good stuff...

"And all the not-so-good stuff about each other."

"I can't imagine feeling about anyone else

"the way I feel about you."

"Because I love you.

"I always loved you, "and I want to make you a promise.

"No matter what happens...

"Good or bad...

"I will always love you."


Okay. Donna, wait.


Well, first you drag me away from the wedding, and then you kiss me all the way over here, and then you pull me upstairs and shove me into my bedroom and put your hands all over my body.

I just...

I'm sorry. I'm confused.

Huh. If only there were a way to make my feelings clear with some sort of action.

Yeah. Ha. Okay.

That's, uh, ahem, ha-ha, extremely funny.

But, uh, every, every time this starts happening, it winds up not happening.

And then you skip home...


I know. I know, and I'm sorry.

It's just, you know, before now, I wasn't ready.

Yeah, and I understand that, Donna.

It's just that... wait!

Wait! Go back!

I wasn't ready before now.

Before now, like...

Right now?

Eric, when I had to write those vows, I had to think about love.

When I thought about love, I thought about you.

I love you, Eric, and I want to be with you.

God, Donna, I...

Love you.

Are you...

Sure, sure?

Yes, yes.