That '70s Show S2E18 Script

Kitty and Eric's Night Out (2000)

Oh, man! Where the hell is Eric?

I gotta get outta here before Jackie finds me.

What'd you do now?

Oh, she's mad

'cause I didn't say, "Love you," after lunch.

I say it all day long, after gym, "Love you, Jackie".

After algebra, "Love you, Jackie".

After I say, "Love you, Jackie,"

I say, "Love you, Jackie."

It sickens me!

Hey, man, check it out.

Foggy windows.

Bummer.

Someone must have left their hot lunch in the car.

No, you idiot. Someone's in there makin' out, man.

Patty!

Hyde! Hey, h-how you doin'?

Super.

Okay, well, I'll see ya.

Hey, didn't you go out with that girl?

I don't think so.

Yeah. That's the girl that dogged you on that blind date.

Kelso, who cares?

Hey, let's see what loser she ended up with.

Yeah.

Hello.

Burn!

Hey man, that's a burn.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all, all right j& We're all, all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Eric, honey, I was thinking maybe tomorrow night we could go shopping, just the two of us.

Why?

Well, because we need to get you some new shoes and some underwear.

Kitty, we bought him shoes last year.

Yeah, and I can shop for my own underwear.

Oh, no, you cannot.

The last time you went, you bought them too snug, and I want grandchildren.

Yeah, well, I have to...

Bye.

You know, he used to love going shopping with me.

Look, Kitty, he's 16.

Seventeen.

Whatever.

The point is that when a boy hits that age, they don't wanna spend time with their mother.

And if they do...

They're weird.

It's not a big deal.

Well, it is a big deal to me, Red Forman.

It is a big deal!

Okay.

Well, I just... I just wish sometimes, he, he, he would want to spend time with me.

Well, force him!

It doesn't matter what he wants.

As long as we're paying his way...

We own him.

Fez has a girlfriend? Mmm-hmm.

Our little Fez?

You're kidding?

I mean, good!

God, he was so in love with me, it was getting embarrassing.

Right.

So, anyways, you guys, how do you know when you need new underwear?

Uh, hmm. If you're asking, you need new underwear.

Oh, good. People are here.

I want you to meet my girlfriend Patty.

This is Eric. Eric, this is my...

Girlfriend.

This is Donna.

Donna, this is my...

Girlfriend.

So you guys are just friends?

No, Donna. Fez, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

So, how's it goin', Patty? Good.

I have to be honest with you, people, Patty and I were just outside making out...

Because Patty's my girlfriend.

Hi, I'm Jackie.

I'm sure Fez has told you all about me.

Um, no. No, your name never came up.

What?

Well... Whatever.

Okay, isn't this pleasant, huh?

Um, Patty, have a seat.

Fez, she's lovely. I'm impressed.

Um, Jackie, I'm a little busy right now, okay?

Thank you.

So, Hyde, what's with Fez and that girl?

Did you really go out with her?

Yeah, no biggie.

She sucked, anyway. He can have her.

So Fez has a girlfriend?

Still, I mean, what's that about?

Fez snaggin' a girl away from you?

I... never thought I'd see the day.

So what's she like?

It's just so Twilight Zone, I mean, to see Fez...

Eric! Your mother asked you a question about the foreign kid.

What? Oh.

What? No. Never mind.

Okay. That's it.

Eric, you're gonna spend some time with your mother.

What'd I do?

Red, don't make it sound like a punishment.

Well, it is. Red!

You can look at it any way you want, but it's gonna happen, damn it.

Wait, wait, is this...

Because I didn't wanna go shopping with Mom?

You don't wanna go shopping with your mom?

Boy, I tell ya, if I had a Mom, I would go shopping with her every single day, because no one loves you...

...like your mom.

That's true.

Eric, honey, we don't have to go shopping.

We could go see a movie.

It'll be like a little date.

No, no, no, no. Shopping's great.

You know, I, um, I need new underwear, so...

I think a date is a great idea.

Hey, you guys should go see Annie Hall, I think you'd just love it, Mrs. Forman.

See? Steven's helping out.

Thank you, Steven.

Now, Annie Hall, I would like to see that movie.

Oh, Eric's just dyin' to see that movie.

But I don't... Just dyin'.

Um, I guess Fez really got me with all of the poems that he left in my locker.

Oh, that is so romantic.

Well, doesn't Kelso write you poems?

No. No, but he's not foreign.

Hey, can we talk about something interesting?

Like, Donny Osmond?

Hey, you guys, The Eagles are on Don Kirshner's Rock Concert tonight.

Oh, man, I'm gonna miss The Eagles because I gotta, I gotta...

I'm busy.

Do we have a date tonight?

No. I wish.

I'm goin' to a movie.

With my mom.

He's got a special night out with mommy.

Hey, maybe you'll get lucky.

And your mom'll pay for the movie!

God, you people are sick.

Patty, you know, we should really go to the mall together so I can introduce you... Are you ready, darling?

Excuse me, Fez. I was talking.

Oh, I know, Jackie. You are always talking.

Oh! Burn!

Sorry, I just appreciate a good burn.

So, where are you guys goin'?

Um, we are going to the Red Lobster for a romantic dinner of Red Lobster.

I'll see you guys later.

Okay, I don't like her.

And I don't see why we have to be so nice to her just because she's dating someone in our group.

Bites the big one, doesn't it?

Well, I gotta go to work.

God, am I right, Donna? Don't you hate her?

Not really, Jackie. I kinda like her.

Hey, what was that for?

That's for not writing me poems, Michael!

Uh, love you, Jackie.

Leo, did you take your turn yet, man?

No, man.

I, I can't decide between college or a career.

Well, we can't start until you decide.

So choose, man, or I'll start workin'.

Hey, don't rush me, man.

This decision's gonna affect the rest of my life.

Go to college.

Okay.

Hey, but...

What if those frat guys make fun of my hair?

And beat me up like, like fascists and stuff?

Well, then just start a career.

I can't let those frat guys get away with it, man.

Leo, man, it's just a game!

Yeah. Life is hard.

Well, now, see, I didn't know that you liked green peppers.

When did that happen?

August 5, 1972.

I mean...

I mean, do you like green peppers?

Why, yes I do.

Very much.

So how's Donna?

What? We haven't done anything yet. What?

Relax.

I am not here to grill you about your life, Eric.

But, you know, young adults do have a responsibility.

Mom!

Please.

Honey, you may not realize it right now, but I am actually doing you a giant favor by making you spend time with me.

Well, thank you.

No, no, no. I mean it.

Boys who reject their mothers grow up to have huge problems.

You will hate yourself.

And every relationship you have with a woman will just be a mess.

So, if you don't spend time with me now, you may never have sex.

I'm teasing!

A little.

Ah-ha. Hey...

Look how far Florence is from... Venice.

Eric...

Honey, I just...

I just wanted to spend a little time alone with you outside of the house. That's all.

Mom, it's fine.

And, in fact, you know what? This is great.

Hey, Forman's out on a date with his mom!

Forman and his mom!

Forman and his mom!

Forman and his mom!

My goodness, that Woody Allen is neurotic.

Well, if I lived in New York, I'd be in therapy, too.

The streets are filthy.

Whoa! Diane Keaton is not wearing a bra.

Okay, don't let your mom see you look.

But I have to look.

I'm lookin'.

I'm lookin', and I don't care!

Oh, please.

He expects her to make love while he's wearing those black socks?

Note to self, throw away all black socks.

Mah-jongg?

What the hell is mah-jongg?

Mah-jongg?

What the hell is mah-jongg?

Okay. "An aspirin the size of a brick."

Now, that is funny.

Finally, a scene without sex.

Oh, great. Drugs.

Thank you, Woody Allen.

Huh. I guess cocaine is expensive.

"I'm finally getting the feeling back in my jaw?"

I don't get that. I mean, he was just in bed with her and... Oh! Okay.

I see.

Oh, God. I hope my mom doesn't get that.

Ooh. I wonder if Eric gets that.

Well, I am not gonna explain it to him.

So now Patty's seein' Fez, and I just don't get it.

'Cause she could've had me.

I'm a real catch, man.

All right! I had twins, man!

Oh, look. They're so beautiful!

Congratulations.

Thanks, man.

Hey, I don't wanna be competitive or anything, man, but, uh, I've got two kids, and you don't have any.

You're just a lonely plumber, dude.

It wouldn't be so bad, but it's Fez.

I taught him everything he knows.

It's all backwards, man.

I guess you just can't dwell on things, man.

Yeah.

Maybe I should just be happy for Fez.

I mean, this is the first time in his whole life that he's ever had a girl, you know.

Now, you know, a while back, I picked up a card that, you know, and I had a car accident...

And, uh, I was dwelling on that, man.

I'm sorry, what were you talkin' about?

Maybe I should get back to work.

If you get back to work, you're fired, man.

Hey, I got twins again, man!

Just admit it, Donna.

Patty is totally wrong for Fez.

Well, Jackie, we've never seen you quite this transparent before.

What are you talking about?

"She's so awful, Donna!"

"Let's hate her forever, Donna!"

"Let's shave her head and run her out of town, Donna!"

Focus, Donna!

We're ragging on Patty, remember?

Jackie, did you ever think that maybe you hate Patty because you like Fez?

Oh, you are in dangerous territory, Pinciotti.

No, I mean, it's true.

You hate seeing Fez drool over someone other than you.

You're crazy. I don't like Fez.

I think you do.

Oh, shut up.

Jackie, you're blushing!

Ow!

I'll admit that, uh...

Fez would be okay for a quick fling if I was off on a vacation with my parents, like in Michigan or Cuba.

Where no one would ever find out!

Ever, ever, ever!

Fez and Jackie, sittin' in a tree.

Mr. And Mrs. Fez...

Fez.

Donna, please, please shut up.

Jackie, you are so totally hot for him.

I can see it in your eyes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

I like Fez!

No!

No!

Well, boy, wasn't that fun, seeing all those sex scenes with your mother?

Oh, it was supersexy.

I'm so glad we could enjoy that together. Really, I am.

So, I guess women in New York don't wear bras.

Um, it's disgusting...

And we should move there immediately.

Well, I don't know about you, but I've seen enough nipples for one day.

Mom.

What?

I don't ever want to hear you say, "Nipples," okay?

Why not? Men have nipples.

Your father has nipples.

No! He does not!

Okay.

So, what was your favorite part of the movie?

Eh, I don't want to tell you.

Oh, come on.

Okay, um...

Diane Keaton's nipples.

Okay. Pay me.

Leo, I gotta help the customer, man.

I think he's gonna drive away.

Eh, let him go. I don't need his stinkin' photo money.

I'm a doctor.

Okay, man, you know what? That's it.

This game is over, man.

This is not life. This is life!

Yeah, but this life is so much better than this life, man.

In the, in the game, I got kids, man.

In real life, my kids split on me.

Really, man? Yeah.

My parents split on me.

Oh, wow. Now we found each other.

Hey, do you wanna be my father?

Sure.

Okay. Go ahead. Spin, Dad.

I got a 10.

Well, maybe mah-jongg is a type of food.

Oh, you know what? You could be right.

It's probably Chinese noodles.

Yes.

Hey, you wanna go see Close Encounters sometime?

Yeah. I'd love to.

Very cool. Good night, Mom.

Oh, what did he do?

I swear I'll kick his ass!

No. He was just, he was absolutely wonderful.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay.

Is something wrong?

No. Why?

I don't know. It's just you, you seem very removed.

Well, no. I'm fine.

Are you sure?

Uh-huh.

I, you know, maybe it's me, but you do, you seem very removed.

Eric, have you seen my geometry book?

'Cause while the two of you are doing that, I think I'm gonna do some homework.

See? This is what I call being removed.

Donna, when we're making out, you're not thinking about, like...

Geometry and stuff, are you?

Never.

Unless I have a test the next day.

Okay.

You know, I think you're just the sweetest thing in the world to go out with your mom.

Thank you.

So, did mommy buy you new underpants?

Okay.

Did mommy buy you new underpants?

Ooh, let me see the underpants.

Get off me. Let me see. Let me see.

B-3.

Hit. Damn! You sank my battleship!

You know, a well-maintained fleet is the backbone of any military structure, and with your floating arsenal depleted, your troops are likely to suffer some serious collateral damage.

Huh.

Wow. Hey, you know what, man?

I think I might have been in the navy.