That '70s Show S2E2 Script

Red's Last Day (1999)

Yeah, even the radio works.

And all the doors...

They open!

And it's got brakes, too.

I mean, can you believe this?

I mean, my uncle, he just gave it to me.

He gave it to me, for free!

That is insane.

I would pay tens of dollars for this.

Or not.

Did he own a cat?

Yeah. I'm getting an air freshener. Yeah. Get a big one.

Guys, guys, this thing is like a bedroom on wheels.

No more, "Michael, the backseat's too small."

"Michael, you're on my hair."

"Michael, you're choking me."

That's over.

Wow, look at this piece of junk.

This is my van.

Yeah? Well, you know, I had a Ford delivery van in high school.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun till somebody gets preg...

You got to be careful in this van, Kelso. You know what I mean?

What do you mean?

Sell the van, kid.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, I'm happy.

All right, you know what? Shouldn't you guys be meditating or something, you know...

Hey, come here Forman.

I want you to feast your eyes on this very large and flat cargo area.

Wow, you could haul plywood in this.


Or Donna.

Why would I want to haul... Oh, right! Okay.

Nah, no. You know what? She wouldn't do it in a van.

She wants it to be special.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh! Uh...


Good, good.

'Cause I'm not doing it in a van. Oh!

Oh, you know what'll make it really special?

Not talking to your friends about us doing it.

j& Hangin' out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing

j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay, Eric, it's your father's last day at work, but don't mention it. In fact, my advice to both you kids is just eat and get out.

Mrs. Forman, I could hide in the basement.

No, no, I am not gonna have you kids leave without your breakfast.

You know what's fun? A bacon sandwich.

Here. You can eat it in the car.

Morning. Oh, great.

Now your father's going to see three mouths he has to feed.

Oh, you're wearing your University of Wisconsin sweatshirt.

Mother, I went there.

No, you flunked out of there.

You know, you might as well just wear your University of I-wasted-my-father's-money sweatshirt.

Take it off.

Oh, come on. No.

Leave it on.

She lacks character, Mrs. Forman.

Shut up! You are lucky to even live here.

You're an orphan.

She called me an orphan.

Hey, he's not an orphan. His mom just abandoned him.

Shut up, Forman!

Okay, that's it. Everybody hide in the basement. Go!


Amen. Everybody sit and eat.

How are you? Great.

So, um... What are you doing?


Having some coffee.

Is the coffee good?


Everybody knows that today is my last day at work.

Last day that the plant is open.


I just want to tell you all that everything is going to be great.



Daddy, that is such good news.

Can I have $20?

You get in the basement.

So, Jackie.

What do you think?

Oh, Michael, it's horrible.

What are you talking about?

You said it was cool on the phone, Michael.

But it's not. It's horrible.

I can't be seen in this. It's like...

Ugh! It's like having a sty.

Uh-oh, this van will not be rocking.

Oh, sure is something.

Twenty-three years of working here, and now it's all gone.

Of course, you're gonna find work. You're a supervisor.

Well... That's true. Excuse me.

Sad as hell, ain't it, Red? Gee, it's a real bad time for me to be getting laid off.

You know, my husband Bucky, his skin graft didn't take.

Yeah, that's, uh, that's, uh, real, uh, sad, Amy.

Red, Dale, Amy. Hey, I'm stealing office supplies.

Red, you didn't want your stapler, did you?

No. Good, 'cause I already stole it.

Hey, Red, you know, uh, we're all going to go over to Charlie's for one last drink.

Thought maybe you could pop in for one.

Oh, no, I...

I don't pop... I told you he wouldn't come with us.

He hates us.

Well, I...

Yeah, baby.


You and me are going places. j& Having my baby j& It's another way of saying how much I love you j& Having my baby j&

Yeah! Paul Anka.

Man, you kick some serious musical ass.

Thank you, Kelso.

Man, I knew once I got my van, I'd be having some bitching Hollywood parties.

Right on, Kelso.

I love the van.

It's a real Lyle Waggoner place to be.

Yeah, yeah... With a ride like this, you must get a butt-load of ladies.

Actually, Paul, I'm just with Jackie at the moment.

Just Jackie?

What are you, an idiot?

Well, Lyle, Paul...

I know that a fine machine like this would...

Well, snag me lots of pelt...

But I love Jackie...

And a real man can deny his man instincts.

Who you talking to? Oh!





What are you doing here?

I'm bored. There's nothing on TV.

So, this is your new ride, huh?

It is.

It's really, uh, roomy.

Listen, Laurie, uh...

I don't think you should be in here.

I mean, I know we've made out a couple dozen times. Uh-huh.

Twice. Okay.

Uh... But that's over.

Gosh, I sure do feel close to you, Kelso.

Listen, Laurie, I...

I don't think my girlfriend, Jackie would like you sitting on me.

I think you like me sitting on you.

In fact, I know you do.

Okay... But that's not the point.

Shut up, Kelso. This is your lucky day.

Laurie, don't. Stop.

Hey... Those are my pants!




So, what's new?


Oh, man! I mean, nothing.

So, Eric, isn't your sister hot?


In fact, Kelso, I think you're the only loser here who thinks she is hot.

Not true.

I have pictured her naked hundreds of times.

Why, just this morning I was taking a shower...

Come on, Fez, man, it is absolutely inappropriate and disrespectful to talk about how hot somebody else's sister is.

No matter how bad you want to give it to her.

Right, Kelso?

Oh, man.

Oh, man. I...

What is it, boy? Is it trouble?

Is there something you want to tell us about Eric's sister?

I totally did it with her!

I'm sorry, man.


I mean, she took advantage of me.

I'm violated.

You idiot, your thumbs are still up.

Acting's hard.

Hey, shut up, perv.

That's my sister. Come on!

I know.

It is forbidden, taboo, titillating.

Isn't it ironic that titillating has the word tit in it?

Oh, man, that reminds me.

No, shut up!

Look, I swear to God, you say one more word about my sister, and I'm gonna tell Jackie.


I forgot about Jackie.

Right, right. You forgot you have this huge, bitchy anchor tied around your neck.

I mean, it could happen.

So, I guess the first time it actually really happened, was when I was horseback riding.


So, you know...

I think this van could be pretty nice.

You know what, I'm glad he got it.

At least it's a step towards responsibility.

Maybe Michael's maturing.

Yeah, hang onto that dream, Jackie.

Donna, I'm serious.

I think he's growing up.

God, I'm so proud of him that, if I weren't already sleeping with him, I'd sleep with him.

So... Have you and Eric done it yet?

Yeah, we did it, and I forgot to mention it.


So what's the holdup?


It'll happen when it happens.

Yeah, I guess if I were Eric's girlfriend, I would not be in a hurry to do it either.

You know what? Maybe you should ask Kelso if you could borrow his van some night.


So, like, uh...

Which night?

I don't know. Some night.

Is that like a Wednesday?

Could be.

Could tonight be some night?



I don't know. Maybe.

You sure? You sure?

Hey, where are the cushions?

Look at me.

I'm almost 50.

You're not over 50?

Oh, you got to shut up. Shut up!

I only know how to do one thing.

I've been doing it my whole life.

It's not like another one of these plants is gonna open up in this crap hole.

How am I gonna support my family?

Aw... To hell with it.

At least I got you guys...

And I love you guys.

Thank you for calling, Amy.

Yeah, bye.

Eric, you have to go pick your father up at Charlie's bar.

Oh, is he drunk?

No. He's not drunk. He's not feeling well.

Red's drunk.

He is not. He is just... He's not feeling well.

Come on, Fez. My dad's drunk.

He is not drunk. He is not feeling well!


Michael, these cushions are really nice.

Where'd you get them?

Uh... I found them.

You're nesting, Michael. That is so mature.

All right. Listen, Jackie, we have to talk.

This van is changing me.

I know, Michael, I know.

Great. 'Cause I want you to be on board with what I'm gonna say.

Transportation is a big responsibility.

That is so true.


So, I'd like to see other people.


What I mean to say is that you and I should see other people.


Okay. What if just I see other people?



Hey. Hey, hey. The gang's all here.

How you doing, Fez?

Oh, my God, he knows my name.

Hey, are those sideburns?

Since eighth grade.

Hey, bring these guys a beer.

No, dad, I'm supposed to take you home.

Mom said so.

Normally, you do what your mother says.

Sometimes, you know...

You're a dumbass.

But mostly, you're a good kid.

Thank you, sir.

But this is my last day of work...

And I didn't get a party.

I didn't get a gold watch.

And I didn't get crap.


Let's drink!


Hello, mother. ALL: Hello, mother!

This is your son, Eric.

I'm not feeling well.

I'll be right there.

Oh, Red.

I love you, Kitty.


Bartender, could I have two coffees, please?

And I'll have two more beers.


Okay, okay, I'll just have the one beer.

This isn't like you, Red.

What, I can't have a beer?

No, hanging around with people.

You hate people.

Yeah I do.

You know we're gonna get through this.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, heck, we've been through worse times than these.

Just for the fun of it, Kitty...

When was that?

Well, I don't know.

Are you worried? Nope.

Are you worried?


Nah, I'm not worried, Kitty.

I'm too drunk to be worried.

j& Up against the wall, Redneck Mother j& Whoo-hoo j& Mother, who has raised her son so well... j&

Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off.

Hey, I got Amy's phone number.

Good for you, Steven.


I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.

Okay, you know what? Let's just turn that Redneck Mother song back on.

j& He's 34 and drinking in a honky-tonk j& Oh, play it for mama j& Kicking hippies asses and raising hell j&


God, where were you last night?

I went and had a few beers with the old man.

It was pretty special.

Oh, 'cause you know, I...

I came by.

You came by?


I came by 'cause I was thinking...

Last night was the night.

Last night? Mmm.

I will definitely be here tonight.

No, tonight doesn't feel right. Right.

Not the way last night felt. Oh, right.

Oh, my God.

I really do love Jackie, and she says that we can't see other people.


Oh, sweet Kelso.

You're a tool, and I will use you when I please.

Okay, baby?


Hi, daddy. Hi, sweetie.

Oh, Kelso.

You watch your ass.