That '70s Show S2E20 Script

Kiss of Death (2000)

Hey, Mr. Bonkers.

You nutty kitty.

I'll be right home. Keep my bed warm, okay?

Hey. Keep your paws to yourself.

She's my girlfriend.

So, what was your favorite part of the movie?

Uh, my favorite part of the movie was when we made out.

Yeah. Movies are fun.

Yeah.

Goodnight.

You know, it's amazing how you always manage to pull the car right up to the garage, but not actually into it.

Yup. Takes a keen eye and a sure foot.

How would you like your keen eye to watch my sure foot kick your smart ass?

Why don't I pull the car in?

What the...

You're movin' it a foot, and you hit somethin'.

Jeez.

Oh, God. No! It's...

It's Mr. Bonkers.

Wow. That is one dead cat.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all, all right j& We're all, all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

If I was stranded on a desert island with only one form of cheese, no question, it would have to be the puff.

You know who's my little cheese puff?

Jackie.

Oh, Michael, you're so cute.

You're cute. Cuter.

Cutest.

All right. All right. You guys gotta shut up before I blow cheese puff chunks.

All right, Michael, I'll see you tonight at 8:00. Okay.

I'll be counting the minutes.

Can't you just use a clock?

Man, we're so back in love.

I remember when it was all, "You're an idiot, Michael!"

And, "Whoa, what'd I do?"

Good times.

Sorry, man, but I love her.

Yes, but you don't deserve her, you son of a bitch.

What?

I said...

Uh, "Good cheese puffs, you son of a bitch."

Hey, Kelso.

I thought we'd get together tonight, so take a shower, okay?

Laurie, I'm... I'm seeing Jackie tonight.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Uh, no. I'll see you at 8:00.

But...

You heard me.

Damn.

My second girlfriend is such a drag.

This is bad, man.

Yes, but only for you.

Cheese puff?

Looks pretty good, Mr. Clean.

Well, you know me.

I'm...

Super neat.

Hey, you know, I can't find Mr. Bonkers anywhere.

Have you seen him? No!

Uh, I mean...

Well...

Yeah, not since last night.

Huh. Well...

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

Killed...

Meow, meow.

What?

I said, it's weird.

He always sleeps with me, but he never came home last night.

Let me know if you see him, okay?

Oh...

Sure thing. Will do. Okay.

Mr. Bonkers?

Yeah, I'm goin' to hell.

So you didn't tell her?

I felt so guilty. I just...

I couldn't.

Is it because you're kinda glad it's dead?

No.

Hey, maybe I don't have to tell her.

Maybe she'll just think Mr. Bonkers ran away.

That works. That's what we told you when...

Shh!

What?

Eric, honey, eat your pizza rolls.

Oh, come on. How hard can this be?

You go over there and you say, "Hey, I'm a cat killer. I murdered..."

"I murdered your cat."

But you try to say it with a straight face.

What?

Am I the only one that sees the humor in this?

I think you might be, Red.

Oh, come on. That thing was always messin' in my yard, goin' through our garbage.

Now we have Hyde for that.

Oh, yeah, Laurie, and what exactly do you do?

Oh! That's right. The Packers.

Excuse me. Dilemma here?

Eric, this is not a dilemma.

You have to tell Donna.

Just be gentle, and maybe take her a nice little gift.

Yeah, like a kitty-sized headstone.

You know what? I should've known you were lying.

Sure, Flipper was fast, but turtles don't just run away.

Hyde, which one's your favorite Charlie's Angel?

I kinda like the blonde with the huge rack.

Yes. And she distracts the criminals with her huge rack.

Plus, she's got that huge rack. Yeah.

Oh, my stomach.

My cheesy, puffy friends have become my enemy.

Man...

You guys...

I gotta break up with Laurie.

Kelso, remember how you said you were gonna juggle 'em both till it blew up in your face? Yeah?

Well...

Kablooey!

Okay, I know I tried before, right?

But this time, Laurie'll see how much I love Jackie and that my motives are good and pure.

And then she'll just let me go.

Then you and all the leprechauns can ride unicorns to a wonderful celebration in Fairyland.

Look! The Angels are runnin' in slow motion.

Damn! Damn!

That's just good TV.

Hey, beautiful.

How's it goin'?

Oh, pretty good.

Except, I found this here kitten who told me he was looking for someone to love him.

Oh, my God!

Oh, he's so cute.

Thank you, Eric. That's so sweet.

Oh, I hope Mr. Bonkers doesn't get jealous.

Hi.

Yeah. I don't think that's gonna happen, Donna, because...

I accidentally killed Mr. Bonkers.

So! What're you gonna name this little fella here?

What? What are you talking about?

I've had that cat since I was three. What happened?

Well...

Last night, I was pulling in the car after our date...

After our date?

Last night?

Eric, I was looking for him, and I asked you.

And you said you hadn't seen him.

And you knew I was worried sick about him.

I know, Donna. That's why it was so hard to tell you.

Hey there, ho there, hi there.

What's goin' on?

Why don't you ask the man who murdered our cat?

No! No! That's...

No, I didn't murder your cat. It was...

He climbed under my car. It was a total accident.

Well, I should hope so, because what did he ever do to you?

I don't want to live with this lie anymore, because I only love Jackie.

Okay.

So, do you want to go up to my room and have sex?

Uh...

Sure!

No, wait!

No! No!

Okay. I just... This...

Laurie, I... I'm serious.

We are over.

Wow! I think you really mean it.

I totally do.

Okay, Kelso, you're free.

You know what I'd like, though?

Just one last good-bye kiss?

Um...

Okay, well, sure.

Michael!

Jackie!

We were...

No! There was...

Wow! How ironic, huh?

Eric, I just saw Michael kissing your sister.

Okay, he's a rat! He's been cheating on me!

What? Well...

Surely, there must be some kind of mistake!

Right, guys? Come on.

Well, it sure is a mind-blower.

So that's it. Michael and I are over.

Really?

And by "over" you mean...

I mean over and done! All right? Forever.

Uh-huh. Now, by "forever" you mean...

And after everything I put up with!

I mean, God, him taking Pam Macy to the prom, setting my house on fire, lying about Laurie...

God!

To be fair, that's only the stuff you know about.

This is incredible.

My time has come.

Today, I will make Jackie mine!

Hey, what's wrong?

I don't know. I think my guts are bursting with love.

So, Fez, my mom says your appendix has to come out.

Man, you must be in tons of pain.

Whee!

Cheese puffs out, pain pills in.

Fez loves his pills.

Boy, I wish there was a pill I could take.

Get rid of my pain.

A forget-about-Jackie pill.

Hell, if they made that pill, I'd take it.

Kelso, man, this is what you get for tryin' to do the right thing.

Want to know a secret?

I'm not wearing anything under my dress.

Look.

Whoa! Put that away!

Yeah. Man, it... It just sucks when you try to do the right thing.

And then she yells at you for killin' her cat.

Eric, you don't know how lucky you are.

I would give anything to be able to tell Jackie I killed her cat.

Nothin' sadder than when two people break up.

Except this time, when it's funny.

By the way, Eric...

If your mom ever says, "Ready for your catheter?"

The answer is no.

Donna, we're supposed to be friends.

Would it have killed you to say, "I know you love him, but Michael's a jerk"?

Jackie, I think my exact words were, "I know you love him, but Michael's a jerk."

So...

Have you seen Kelso since...

No. I mean, he's a liar and a cheater.

Ugh, maybe that's how all guys are.

I know how you feel.

Like, it's bad enough what Eric did to Mr. Bonkers.

Then he lied to me.

Yeah.

Eric put off telling you something because he didn't want to hurt you.

Whoo! That is so much worse than cheating on you with another woman.

Oh, wait.

No, it's not!

Oh.

Wow.

I guess Eric was just trying to be nice.

Maybe I'm overreacting.

Look. Let me tell you something, Donna.

Until goody-goody Eric cheats on you with your stupid dead cat, I suggest you shut up.

Ugh, I miss Jackie.

I know!

Well, you're in luck, Fez.

The bars closed early today, so we found a doctor to do your surgery.

Oh. Good. I see they've already shaved you.

Actually, I did that myself.

Lucky coincidence, huh?

Okay, then.

Time for sleepy-sleepy.

Okay, now, count back from 100.

100.

99.

Charlie's Angels.

Once upon a time, there were three little girls who went to the police academy.

Now they work for me.

My name is Fez.

Stand back.

And remember, girls, this one's for Fez.

This is your unlucky day, now that Fez's Angels are here.

Don't move.

I'm gonna blow up Fez headquarters.

I can't bear to see any of you with such a handsome, foreign sex machine.

This is gonna be a blast.

Whatever.

Whoa!

Ah!

You're a real barrel of laughs.

Congratulations, and a job well done, Angels.

Thank you, Fez.

Are we going to see you soon?

No, I can't get away.

I'm in a little hot water right now.

Fez. Fez, honey?

Oh, thank God you pulled through.

I was afraid you'd die before I got to tell you...

I love you.

No, no, Jackie.

No sex now.

We must wait.

Until we're married?

No.

Until the catheter comes out.

Fez?

Fez?

Fez?

Fez?

I told you, no sex now!

Hey there, Midge.

Kitty, uh, insisted I bring this over to show our sorrow because of your loss.

Aw, thanks, Red. We were all sittin' around reminiscing about our dear departed cat, Mr. Bonkers J. Pinciotti.

Do you have a story you want to share, Red?

We'd sure appreciate it, seein' as how your son killed him.

Okay.

Well, I remember he used to come into my yard and, uh...

And, uh...

You know, I'd throw a bucket at him, or spray him with a hose, and he'd run away.

Then he'd come back.

I'd do it again.

I guess you...

You could say we kinda had our own thing.

Wow.

Well... Okay.

Enjoy the casserole.

We set up a Mr. Bonkers memorial slide show in the other room.

So...

Uh-huh.

Uh...

That casserole there is a seven-layer.

Of course, uh, two of those layers are peas, and I really should've told you right away about your cat, but it's a pretty good casserole. There's ham in it.

Look, Eric, I know you didn't want to hurt me, and I understand that.

It's just we've gotta be honest with each other.

I mean, especially now that we've...

You know...

We've...

You know?

'Cause I just don't want to end up like Jackie and Kelso.

No, no. I don't think we're gonna end up like Jackie and Kelso.

I mean, I lied out of the goodness of my heart.

It's still a lie, Eric.

Yeah. You're right.

I'm sorry, Donna, about everything.

All right. well, from now on, no more secrets.

Oh! God, then I guess I have to come clean.

Okay.

In first grade, behind your back, I used to call you "Donna Pinch-my-Butty."

Well, you know, Eric, that's okay.

'Cause I was the first one to call you "Eric Foreskin."

You started that? Yeah.

That's not funny. That one stuck.

Oh, shut up, Foreskin.

So, really, breaking up with Michael could be the start of something great.

I am a whole new Jackie.

Really?

'Cause you're babblin' like the old Jackie.

Jackie. I've been lookin' for you.

Here I am.

Okay, so... Yeah.

Yeah, you two probably want to be alone.

No, Forman.

How can this not be good? Come on.

All right.

Jackie, I've done some terrible and stupid things.

Too many to even list.

Oh, hey, give it a shot, man.

I'll fill in the blanks.

Hyde.

All right, but I'm done making excuses.

And all I can say is...

Is that I'm sorry and I love you.

And I will do whatever I can, every day from now on, so that you know that's true.

So, will you please, please, please take me back?

Oh, Michael.

No.

No... No, you know what? We're through.

Forever.

Whoa. Didn't see that comin'.

Fine.

So, um...

That... That was the smartest thing I've ever done.

And, um...

And the best.

Oh...

Hyde.

Why does she always come to me?

You are a dog, Michael, a dirty, dirty dog!

You are an idiot, and science is stupid!

I have had it with you!

You are weird, and I'm going home.

If you're not telling the truth, I will find out.

'Cause I'm smart, and you aren't.

I am in love with a doofus.

All the memories.