That '70s Show S2E21 Script

Kelso's Serenade (2000)

Donna, have you noticed that every time we do the... Ahem.

What we just did...

It is always fun?

Eric, you're so cute.

Ow! Ow!

Donna, I think by "Cute," you mean...

Ruggedly handsome.

You read my mind, Eric.

Oh, yeah. That's the other thing.

After we do... The thing, I don't really feel like an "Eric."

Really?

Uh, yeah. I think I feel more like a Stan.

Or... A Chuck.

Or a...

A Maverick.

So do you want to go to a movie tomorrow, Maverick?

Oh, uh, I told Kelso and Fez I'd hang out with them.

Really? Oh.

Hey, but, you can come, too, if you want.

No. It's okay.

Uh, really, you should come.

No. You go. Have fun.

Are you sure?

Sure. It's no big deal.

Okay, cool.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all, all right j& We're all, all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Swedish pancakes? What's the catch?

Oh, no catch. Eat 'em while they're hot. There's plenty.

Well, this is a real treat, Mrs. Forman.

Psst. Careful, Steven.

There's always a string attached to Swedish pancakes.

Trust me.

Mom, you only make Swedish pancakes when something horrible's about to happen.

Does someone have cancer?

No, no, no. No one has horrible cancer.

Ha ha ha ha!

Now, let's just sit down as a family and enjoy our special pancakes.

Gotcha! Ha ha ha ha.

We're all going to the nursing home to visit Aunt Pearl.

Oh... Aw...

Isn't she dead yet?

Laurie! Well, I mean she is old, so...

Maybe we should call ahead.

Red, can you believe this family?

Well, the Bucks are playing the Celtics.

Oh, come on!

All I'm asking is for a quick visit.

Real quick. Quick, quick, quick.

Say, kids, how about a nice trip to old Aunt Pearl's?

Oh... Oh...

Hey!

Thank you, Red.

I don't have to go, do I?

I've already been to see her three times this year.

Oh, yeah. And I'm a virgin.

God, I miss Jackie.

I can't sleep.

I can't think.

I can still eat, but...

I mean, my life has no meaning.

I'm dead inside.

Oh, so that's what smells.

Yeah, Mr. Broken heart.

When was the last time you took a bath, man?

Whew, you're getting gamy.

Man, I am so glad Donna's not Jackie.

But I'll tell you what.

I'm even more glad I'm not you.

No offense.

I gotta win Jackie back.

I got it! I'll write her a song!

Maybe the best way to get Jackie back is to let her date other people, foreign exchange people.

No, man. I think a song is a really great idea.

How about this one? j& You don't love me anymore j& You caught me cheatin' With a whore j&

See? 'Cause Laurie's the whore.

You get it?

Yeah. My sister is such a whore.

Yeah, I'm gonna write Jackie a song.

I gotta win her back because I can't stop the tears, man!

Kelso? We've been over this.

There's no crying in the circle.

And then Eric says, "You can come... If you want."

"If you want?"

Ouch.

Right?

I don't know, I think he's sort of taking me for granted.

Ah, I don't know. Maybe I'm just overreacting.

No, Donna. You're underreacting.

All men take all women for granted...

All the time.

Jackie...

Save yourself the heartache, Donna.

Break up with Eric now before it's too late.

Then we can be single girls together.

Ooh! We could take a cruise!

I don't know. I'm just worried.

I mean, if he's acting like this now, imagine what it'll be like if we got, like...

Married or something.

Gloria, I just looked at her! She was giving me change!

No, Michael! It wasn't a look.

It was a look.

Oh, my! Please don't fight.

Your father will be home any minute.

Wow, Ma! You're all dressed up!

Oh, yeah. Your father's taking me out tonight.

Good for you, Ma. You deserve a night out.

Well, ho, ho, ho and whoop-di-doo. I'm home.

Oh, hi, Archie.

Ah, jeez, Edith, no time for the kisses there, okay?

The fight's about to start.

But, Daddy, you told Ma you were taking her out tonight.

That's true, Arch.

Shut up, you meathead, you!

Well, if you ask my opinion, maybe you just forgot.

Ah, jeez, Edith, I didn't forget nothin' there, so get me a beer and stifle there, huh?

Oh, my...

Oh, my God, Jackie.

What am I gonna do?

I don't know, Donna.

I just don't know.

Oh, hi, Mr. Forman.

Go talk on your own damn porch.

So... You've been playing much bingo, Pearl?

Oh, for God's sakes, Kitty, I ate your damn pudding.

So go!

Laurie, say something nice.

Fine. Something nice.

That's my magazine.

Nobody needs to see that.

Get out!

You know, it's weird.

But I thought after me and Michael broke up, I wouldn't want to hang out here anymore.

Yep. That's what we were hoping.

But I think if I left, you'd really miss me.

Right? Ahem.

I, uh, I suppose...

That, um, you know, it's important when you have a bad breakup that you find friends to, uh...

Uh, sympathetic...

Uh, stuff...

Um, support and, uh...

I don't know.

Right.

So let's go to the mall.

I meant friends like Donna or... Not me.

But I noticed you're alone a lot, and I'm alone a lot, so let's be alone together.

Look, we're alone right now.

That's not really a very good reason for us to...

Wait.

Let's go to Sizzler.

They've got a salad bar.

It's all you can eat.

Plus five different colors of Jell-O.

I'll buy.

You've been through a rough time.

Let's go, kid.

A song for Jackie.

By Michael Kelso. j& You may think This song is stupid j& So I made a call To Cupid j& And he told me to put My heart out on my sleeve j& So we can retrieve Our love from the trash j& Trash, Trash j&

So what do you think?

Well, I think that...

You should draw her a picture.

Hey, pal... You think you're funny?

Well, just wait, 'cause someday Donna's gonna crush your stupid little heart, too.

Yeah. Ahem. See, I don't think so because I've taken special precautions to prevent that very thing from happening.

Uh, like, for instance, I... Don't sleep with other women.

Yeah?

Well... It's only 'cause you're chicken.

Hey.

Hey, baby.

What say you grab Papa a root beer, huh?

Oh, my God. I cannot look.

Listen, you worm, I am not your slave or a waitress or your damn maid!

And don't get all Archie Bunker-y on me, or I will kick your ass to the moon!

Hey, Eric, what rhymes with Donna?

j& I didn't mean to cheat But she forced me

j& She Downright Coerced Me j&

Hey, that's kinda good.

Man, I just asked her for a root beer.

You tried to control her, Eric.

And the woman always controls the man.

That's true. Donna does not control me!

Oh, Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.

Yeah. I wish Jackie was still controlling me.

I love being on a short leash.

j& Put the short leash Back on me j&

Kelso, let me see that for a second.

Yeah.

You know, that's kinda funny. That was your guitar.

Burn!

Hyde, those boots look really nice on you.

You know, Jackie, you buying me boots is just wrong.

You should've let me shoplift them.

No, Hyde. I want you to have them.

Besides, I'm saving a fortune now that I don't have to feed and clothe Michael.

Well, if you insist.

I do. So I was thinking tomorrow night, we should, you know...

Whoa, okay. All right now, come on, Jackie.

This was a one time only thing, all right?

If you're trying to bribe me with these boots, man, you can just take them back.

I see.

Oh, what are you gonna do now, cry?

Oh, man, you're crying.

Hey, Jackie...

Come on, man.

It's gonna be fine, okay? You're gonna be fine.

This whole thing is gonna be fine, all right?

No!

Bad Jackie!

But, Hyde, I thought we agreed that you were alone and I was alone...

Jackie, I'm trying to help you out here, all right?

So just listen to me.

You gotta realize that you can do better than Kelso.

But what if I never find anybody else?

Oh, you will, man. You'll find somebody great.

You see, I, myself, don't like you.

I find you abrasive.

But if I didn't know you and I had never talked to you, I'd think you were totally hot.

Thank you, Hyde.

Anything for you, doll.

Pearl, honey, please come out.

Oh! Laurie, she kinda likes you. Do something.

Aunt Pearl!

Why don't you come out, and you can show me your damn scrapbooks again?

Every time you people come, I gotta get dressed and put my teeth in.

And you're not worth it, so get lost!

Now can we go?

No. Ahem.

Okay, fine. You know what? I give up.

Let's just go.

I just hope when I get old, someone comes to visit me.

Don't be ridiculous, Mom. Eric will come.

Well, I'm gonna go warm the car up.

No, Laurie.

This is important to your mother.

So sit down.

Come on, Pearl. There's a Bucks game on.

The Bucks, huh?

Oh-ho!

Well, you know, see?

This is nice.

The only thing that keeps me alive is watching the Bucks lose. Pfft!

Go Bucks.

Michael, no. I don't want to talk to you.

No. You're right.

Okay? Because words don't do it.

That's why I wrote this song.

Oh, God.

j& Jackie, please Take me backie

j& I'll get the knack, see j&

Okay, Michael, stop.

Michael, stop.

Yes, please, Kelso, stop.

I cannot take this anymore.

This is how you serenade a woman.

j& Besame j& Besame mucho j& Como si fuera esta noche j& La ultima vez j&

What are you doing?

Yeah. What are you doing?

Um, this is my school song from back home.

I don't love you.

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Thank you, Hyde, for tonight.

It was very special.

Oh! Aiee.

Isn't she nice?

Hey, fellas, you like my new boots?

So, then Eric says to Donna, "I cannot go out with you, "because I'm going out with the guys."

Oh, jeez.

What? I don't think that's the problem.

No. What's his name's right. That's the problem.

Look, I don't think I did anything wrong.

I'm not going to apologize to Donna.

Oh, yeah?

What? Why?

Here's the thing.

You're assuming that you're good enough for Donna.

And you're not.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Just like I'm not good enough for your mother.

Okay, well...

Yeah, that's true.

Hey, watch it. I'm trying to help you out here.

I'm sorry. Yes, sir.

Look, do you really think I wanted to spend the whole damn day sitting in a room with a woman who hates the Bucks and smells like cabbage?

Well, I didn't.

But that's the price you pay, son.

Now, you go call Donna before she realizes how much better off she is without you.

Go on now. Go!

Go! You heard him, go!

But what about...

Blah, blah, blah. Make the call, little man.

Listen, Donna...

No. Wait.

I've been thinking about... You know...

What happened.

And I realize I may have overreacted.

It's just that I'm a little vulnerable now that our relationship is... Matured.

Donna, no apology necessary.

I welcome your insane behavior and criticism.

Don't be a jerk, Eric.

No. No. Uh, ahem, I'm actually... I'm being serious.

I'm willing to do...

Whatever it takes for us to be together.

Whatever it takes.

It's worth it.

Well... Thank you.

So, uh, for future reference, do I have to ask you before I go out with my friends?

No.

Uh... Yes.

Sometimes.

So, uh, how will I know which times?

Well, you'll know afterwards when I get mad.

Okay. Yeah.

Uh, is there, you know, maybe a better system than that?

No. I really can't think of one. No.

Okay, fair enough. Okay.

I'm really sorry.

Me, too.

So, I blew off the guys tonight to hang out with you.

So my calendar is wide open.

I'm... I'm here for you, Donna.

Oh, that's too bad. I'm hanging out with Jackie.

You could come if you want.

Ha ha ha. That's really not funny.

So, Aunt...

Shh!

I was wondering...

Shh! Okay.