That '70s Show S2E22 Script

Jackie Moves On (2000)

Oh, hey, you guys, guess what part of my body I nicknamed Pink Floyd?

Shut up.

Well, Jackie thought it was cute.

Well, Jackie's not here anymore.

I was over at Jackie's this morning.

She is so down. It's really depressing.

She's taking the breakup pretty hard, huh?


Shut up, man. You cried like a baby.

Whoa, I did not cry.

I had something in my eye.

For a week?

I have allergies, all right?

Is it so wrong to feel?

Anyway, Jackie's, like, in really bad shape.

So, Kelso, now that you and Jackie are no longer an item...

Um, I can ask her out, right?

What? No. Since when do you like Jackie?

Yeah, Fez, I don't think that's a good idea.

Yeah, Fez, man, that's a bad idea.

Jackie's on the rebound right now.

Why don't you just give her a break?


Since when do you like Jackie?

All right, does everybody here now like Jackie?

I still don't.

Well, thank you, Eric.

Fez, Hyde's just saying that Jackie's really vulnerable right now.

Yes, so I must move fast before she gets her self-esteem back.

Yeah, you can't blame her for being down.

After all, I did dump her.

Actually, she dumped you.

Hey, I don't like to get into specifics.

Oh, go tell it on the mountain.

Nothing will stop me from asking Jackie on a date.

Not even ninjas.

Stand back.

I want Jackie, and no one will stop me.

You cannot have Jackie.

I will disable you with my cat-like swiftness.

Oh, yeah?


Oh, yeah?




Fez. What?

Go ahead, Fez. Ask Jackie out.

She won't go 'cause you're foreign, but go ahead and ask.

You're damn right I will.


j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

No, Laurie, I am not giving you $15 for new hot rollers.

Straight hair is not the end of the world.

Actually, Mom, Laurie's world is a lot smaller and much more shallow than the average person's.

Come on, Mom. Curls are important for my self-esteem.

Oh, you know what else might be good for your self-esteem?

Not being the village whore.

Are you trying to start something with me, little boy?

Because while you have to go to work, all I have to do is sit around and think up ways to hurt you.

Oh, I don't know.

As village whore, I'd think your day's all full up.

Shut up!

Ha! I win.

You're both wrong, so can it.

You're dead.

Ooh, I'm... I'm so scared.


You remember that little, uh, French restaurant downtown?


The one and only.

I made reservations for tonight.

Forman, party of two.

Well, now, this is so spontaneous of you, Red.

You haven't been reading my Cosmo, have you?

Come on, Kitty, we'll get all dressed up.

You can even wear my mother's necklace.


The necklace, yay.

Come on, Eric, we're gonna be late.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, honey.

Oh, this is awful.

Come on, Mom. French food's not that bad.

Just order pommes frites.

They're French fries, you know?

No, honey, the necklace. I don't have it anymore.

What'd you do with it?

Nothing. I said nothing.

Mom, did you gamble the necklace away?

Okay, stop it, Laurie. I'll make you get a job.


Okay, Fez.

Asking Jackie out is a big opportunity for you.

And if she says no, don't cry.

Just be witty and polite.

Stick to the script.

And most importantly, speak slowly and enunciate.


"Hello, Jackie, how are you doing today?

"I am fine. Nice weather lately, huh?

"Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"


Wait, who is this?

It's me, Fez.



I just thought that since you and Kelso are no longer dating...

How is Michael doing?

Uh, fine, I guess.

Actually, he seems dumber.

Well, you know what, that's great.

'Cause I'm doing fine, too.

Just fine.

Well, if you are fine, then I'm dandy.

You... You and me, fine and dandy.

Did you hang up?


Pick you up at 8:00?




I'm all ready, so let's go.

Wow, you look great.

And you look sharp yourself, so let's go.

Hey, weren't you going to wear my mother's necklace?

Here it is.

Doesn't it look nice?

I tuck it in so I won't lose it.

So, let's hit the road.

Well, you know, that didn't really look like the one that she gave you.

Well, sure it does.

It looks just like it because it is it.

Now look who's getting old.

Doesn't even remember what necklace his mother gave me.

So, let's move it out.

Boy, Laurie, you really liked that hot dog.

You didn't even chew it.

Oh, hey, Hyde, Father's Day is coming up.

Shouldn't you practice saying "Hi, are you my daddy?"

Oh, by the way, Laurie, the surgeon general called.

He wanted you to stop hoarding all the penicillin.

You know, when you're in prison, your bad table manners will probably just be a turn-on for some guy named Tank.

Oh, well, maybe when you're there for a conjugal visit, you can ask him to take it easy on me.

Oh, yeah, well...

Nice hair.

Oh, Laurie.

Are you all out of put-downs?

Yeah, I guess I'm having an off day.

Even Eric burned me.

Eric burned you?

You are totally lame.

I know, isn't that pathetic? Eric.

What about me?

Speaking of the spindly-armed devil.

What's so pathetic?


At least nothing we can share with you, gomer.

Oh, yeah, well...

Nice hair.


So, Jackie, how's your very expensive dinner?


It's great.

And I'm not replacing Michael with food.

Are you going to finish that?

Oh, that's okay.

You know this restaurant is very well known for their very expensive dinners, but for you it's...

Pass the butter.

Ah, the butter.

That reminds me of an amusing anecdote.


Well, the other day, I was in the basement...

Was Michael there?

Yes, anyways...

He is such a jerk.

Yes, anyways, back to my amusing anecdote.

Well, the other day, I was tying my shoe...

Mmm, ask first!

Fez, I am so glad I came out with you tonight.


I was starving.

So, what happened?

Did you kiss her?

'Cause I'll kill you if you kissed her.

Oh, no, I didn't want to kiss her.

I wanted to give her a napkin.

There was not a moment when she did not have a face full of food.

I was disgusted.


Hey, all is forgiven, buddy.

Okay, fine, Hyde.

You don't want to tell me what Laurie said about me?

I'm fine with that.

I'm telling you, man. She didn't say anything.



Because, I mean, that's what Laurie's known for.

Not saying bitchy things.

Hey, Hyde. What did Laurie say about Eric?

I'll tell you later, man. It's so bad.

Funny, but bad.

Okay, you got nothing.

Huh? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got nothing.

Okay, fine. I don't care.

She told you about summer camp, right?


They called me Dr. Pee-pee.

I couldn't sleep on the top bunk and I was 10, so...

You know, who cares, I'm Dr. Pee-pee. I'm...

Dr. Pee-pee.

Dr. Pee-pee.

You are so Dr. Pee-pee.

Oh, really.

Big Chief Brown Bottom.

I'm sorry. Sorry, man, sorry.

Just... Everyone shut up.

Hey, how was dinner?


Except your father wouldn't shut up about that stupid necklace.

Look, Kitty, obviously something's going on here.

So why don't you just tell me what it is?

Did you lose it?


Did you lend it to somebody?


Then what the hell happened?

I hocked it, okay?

I hocked it, I pawned it, I hocked it.

You pawned my dead mother's necklace?


And I'm not sorry 'cause we got groceries for it.

So, I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry, and I don't feel bad.

Oh, Eric, I feel so bad.

Mom, you feel bad?

Laurie told everyone about Dr. Pee-pee.

Oh, honey, that's not so bad.

That's cute.

Oh, please, I have told that story to so many...


I didn't tell that story to anybody.

So, then, after I finished putting all my pictures of Michael in my special Michael box, I realized that I'm so totally over him.

You liar.

Look at yourself.

And if you keep stuffing your face like this, you're gonna get...

Don't you dare say it, you bitch.




Yep, I've almost finished my fifth pie, and I'm still completely over Michael.







I'm feeling kind of weird.

Oh, no, what's happening to me?

Oh, my God. Oh, goodness.

Oh, gracious, oh, my!

No more pie for you.

Okay, let's go, Jackie.

Suck it in, Jackie.

Oh, my God, Donna, I'm scared.

I have to control myself.

Okay, well, then let's start by you handing Donna the jerky.

Back off, you Amazon.

Look, I just need more time.

Okay, you slapping my hand when I tried to take your jerky is something a fat girl would do.

Okay, Laurie? I know what you told Hyde.

What are you talking about, loser?

The camp story, Dr. Pee-pee. You're dead.

What's going on?

Shh, pretend it's TV. Okay.

Well, I know some pretty horrible things about you, too, little lady.


Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.

In the fifth grade, Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit

'cause a girl kicked sand in his face.

You stuffed in high school. So did you.

Last year, Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager.

Which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.


That's not as bad as when I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster, and you were all...

Laurie was born with a tail!


Yeah, Laurie was born with a tail.

I hate you!

It's true.

Okay, Red.

I'm very sorry I pawned that necklace.

That's okay.

I've been thinking about it, and it's no big deal.

Let's just let bygones be bygones.

What do you say, pretty lady?

What did you do?

A few months ago, I pawned the pocket watch your dad gave me.

So we're even.

Let's just get on with our lives.

Oh, Red, how could you?

Well, Kitty...

Who the hell needs a damn pocket watch?

"What time is it?"

"I don't know. I'll check my pocket."

See what I mean? That's just stupid.

Oh, Red.

And I pawned the lawn mower and Eric's old phonograph player and the snow blower.

We had a snow blower?

Actually, it was Bob's.

Well, why'd you get so mad at me?

I got mad at myself.

Look, it's the man's job to support the family.

And if he can't do that, it's the man's job to pawn the things to feed the family that he can't support!



You know, Bob's been looking for that snow blower.

Yeah, I know, Kitty.

And believe you me...

I'm running out of stories.

So, what you're saying is I slept with the devil?


She told me it was a birthmark.

It is a birthmark.

From where they cut off her tail at birth.

Guys, I'm actually starting to feel a little bad about this.

Yeah. It is not right to reveal other people's secrets.

I'm going to have to agree with Dr. Pee-pee on this one.

Hello, boys.

And how are you, Michael?

Well, not so good.

I just got some very disturbing news.

Well, I hope you're very unhappy.

Fez, can I talk to you?


Okay, Fez, I just want to thank you for last night.

I know I wasn't my super cute self.

And I'm sorry.

But you're a really good friend.

But, Jackie, I was hoping that perhaps we could be more than friends.

Well, hope springs eternal, Fez.

How about you just keep worshipping me from afar, and stay available?

Just in case.

You would do that for me?

That's a sweet deal.

Should we kiss on it?



All right, that's it. You're dead!


Sweet dreams, Dr. Pee-pee.

Oh, yeah.