That '70s Show S2E23 Script

Holy Crap! (2000)

Hey, Mom, are you gonna wear that to church, or is it just laundry day?

Think about it.

No. There's an emergency at the hospital, and they're really short-staffed.

I'm sorry I'm not gonna make it to church today.

All right! No church!

Hey, we can watch the Brewers game.

Sounds great!

Laurie will cook us up a couple of hot dogs...

No, no Brewers, no hot dogs, no nice day.

You're gonna make sure these kids get to church.

Why do we have to go?

Well, I have a million reasons and no time.

Now, here's a dollar for the offering.

And you remember, you sing loud, you sing proud.

Hey, how about you? How come you never have to go?

Eric,

God and I had a heart to heart,

while I watched my destroyer go down in the South Pacific.

We're real good.

You're not.

Go. Okay.

Well, I'll see ya.

I'm gonna go meet some friends behind the bowling alley.

Laurie, we're supposed to go to church.

Oh, we're supposed to go to church.

Stop being such a little girl and do something bad for once.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all, all right j& We're all, all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

So, Eric, I see you're not in church today.

Uh, no. Now that I'm not a virgin anymore, there's really nothing left to pray for.

Man, my life sucks.

Ever since Jackie left, I'm no good at pinball.

You were never good at pinball.

Let's look at the bright side of not having Jackie.

First, no Jackie.

Second, now you can do all the things that you could never do when you were with her, man.

Which was at last count...

Everything.

Oh, man. You're right.

You know, Jackie never ever wanted me to, like, cheat on her, or grow a beard, and I always wanted to.

And now I can let this grow out!

May I grow one, too?

I don't know, Fez. The two of us growing beards together...

Isn't that kind of girlie?

Hmm, well, I just figure the more the hairier.

Oh, I'm surrounded by idiots.

Hey, you know what might make our little church ploy work better?

If you'd button your shirt.

Oh, and, uh, hey, what's that in your hair?

Oh, a cigarette butt. That's nice.

Ugh. That's the last time I make out on asphalt.

Ah, there they are.

My little angels are home.

How was church, good sermon?

You know, fine.

Jesus said something really wise.

People said, "Oh, that Jesus."

And now we go and try and live our lives that way.

You mean, like a couple of, uh, big, fat liars?

Yeah. I ran into Bob out in the driveway, and he told me you weren't at church.

God! I hate Bob!

I tried to go, Daddy, but Eric wouldn't give me a ride.

Hey, Mary Magdalene, there's some gum on your neck.

I can't believe that my own children would do this.

Mom, I mean, it's such a nice day.

And we wanted to get some of that fresh air you're always telling us about.

Hey. Nobody likes a smart-mouth sinner.

You know, this wouldn't have happened if someone had made sure his children had gotten to church.

Well, l...

Damn!

All right, from now on, you kids are going to church.

That's an order.

Oh, Dad...

Okay, okay, you know what.

We shouldn't have to force them.

They're almost grown up.

They can make up their own minds.

Really?

Sure.

If you want to turn your backs on God and spend eternity doing laps in a lake of fire, well, that's your choice!

So guys.

Well, what do you think of the beard?

Yes, it's not bad after one week, huh?

I think it's stupid.

You look like a hobo.

Well, you're crazy.

Well, you look like a hobo.

Crazy! Hobo!

Yeah, well, I like it. I think it looks rugged.

Look how thick it's coming in.

Hello.

Wow, Fez, that's a nice beard.

It will be, once it really comes in.

Doesn't Michael look stupid?

I mean, it's not even growing in right.

It's all patchy.

Ha ha. Poor Patchy.

All right, I don't have to take this.

Oh. Now we made Patchy upset.

Bye, Patchy. So long, Patchy.

I miss Patchy.

Doesn't Michael look hot with that beard?

I mean, it's all rough and forbidden.

I thought you said Kelso looked stupid.

Well, I can't tell him I like it.

I hate his guts!

But I hate him even more now that he's so hot.

That hot bearded jerk.

What about my beard?

It has egg in it.

Laurie, what are you doing?

Church starts in 10 minutes.

Mom, I'm not going!

What?

Well, Eric's not going either.

Oh, of course he is.

Well, no, ah, I thought...

Mom, I thought you said we had the choice.

Uh-huh.

And I chose no.

But, uh, yes was a close second.

You know, I don't understand this at all.

You give me one good reason why you don't want to go to church.

It's hot. It's boring.

The music sucks. The pastor's ugly.

I have to wear a tie. I have to wear a bra.

Enough.

What about Hyde? I mean, he doesn't have to go.

While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the Eastern philosophies and, of course, the teachings of Muhammad, I find that organized religions have corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history.

Were I to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.

Okay, you know what?

I am leaving in five minutes.

And I'm sure you will make the right decision.

No. You'll make the right decision.

And you drag her with you.

Something tells me I will not be sitting in that pew alone.

Hey, Kitty, the Pinciottis are all here.

Where's the rest of team Forman?

Oh, I'm all alone today.

All alone?

Ick! That's just embarrassing.

Well, that's a shame.

Because if there's anyone who has some confessing to do, it's that dirty, dirty son of yours.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Is this seat taken, ma'am?

Do you see anyone?

I love it here, man.

The guy up there tells stories, that guy wails on the organ, you can sing as loud as you want.

It's almost a religious experience, man.

I kind of think this is what heaven's gonna be like, you know.

Plus they'll have an open bar.

Right this way.

Wipe your feet, please.

Sorry, no flash photography.

Next. Oh, that's us.

Forman, party of four.

I'm sorry, I can't let you in.

What?

All of us or...

Just Laurie?

All of you.

Hi, Laurie.

Kitty, if you'd only gone to church with your family, but you didn't.

So, down you go.

Haha! I love that gag.

Step aside, would you please?

Next.

Hey there, ho there. Hi there, coming through.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

What can I do?

They went to church.

Here's 20. Can you find us a place up front?

All right, that's it.

I'm kicking Bob's ass. Red!

Well, Kitty, we're going to hell anyway.

Well, that's just not gonna happen.

Thanks, man.

How was church?

Great!

I figured out what to do with our sinner children.

Kitty, our kids are fine.

Oh, really?

So, why is Laurie...

Hey, hey.

If we're gonna start taking shots at our kids, let's focus on Eric.

Okay, see, now, that's the point.

He needs to learn right from wrong.

I don't want him turning bad.

Oh, Kitty. I don't think Eric's gonna turn bad.

He's too much of a panty-waist.

I know why you're defending them, Red.

You feel guilty because you set a bad example.

Hey, I go to church.

Just not during televised sporting events.

You know, Kitty, when my destroyer went down in the South Pacific...

Oh, blah, blah, blah.

Fine. If I thought the kids weren't going because of me, I'd go.

Fortunately I don't think that, so I'm not going.

Well, that's all well and good, Red, but since they won't go to church, I'm bringing the church to them.

I've asked Dave, the church's youth minister, to come here for dinner, and he said, "Groovy."

Sounds like a great idea.

You really think so?

I don't have to be there, right? No.

Sounds like a great idea.

You should really go to church, Eric.

'Cause God, he sees everything.

It's why I live my life good and pure.

Kelso, you were dating two girls at the same time.

Yeah, but God didn't see that.

I was in my van, and he can't see through lead.

I don't want to get into a religious argument, but my God can kick your God's ass.

God is dead, man.

It said so in Time magazine.

No, man.

I sat next to God once on the bus.

He told me the meaning of life and then he gave me a pretzel.

So what's the meaning of life, man?

Uh, yeah. I guess I should have written it down.

But it was a good pretzel, man.

Maybe this life doesn't even matter, you know.

Maybe we're not even here.

Or no. Maybe I'm here, but you're not.

Hello?

You know what the best thing God ever did was?

Boobs!

Yes. And God said, "Let there be boobs."

And then there were boobs.

Hey, if God is all-powerful, can he make a boob so big that even he can't lift it?

Well, that's a good question, man.

I'll ask him next time I'm on the bus.

Oh, my God! Here comes Michael.

Isn't he gorgeous?

Jackie, he's a dog that lied and cheated on you, remember?

Good! Good! Keep saying stuff like that so that I don't throw myself at him.

Gee, I'll try.

Oh, hey.

Excuse me.

Hey, Michael.

You submental two-timing dog.

Hey, Jackie.

So where you off to?

You lying, cheating dirtbag jerk.

Well, I'm just gonna go over to the hub, grow my beard, you know.

Well, that's neat.

So, they allow scumwads in there who lie to their girlfriends and cheat on them and break their hearts?

Uh, I guess so. Yeah.

Now, I know some of the kids today think that God's a real downer, but the truth is, he's an upper.

And let me tell you something, there's a much better drug than LSD or PCP.

I get high on G-O-D.

Virgin.

Bless you.

Okay, why am I here?

Because you're a young soul in my care. Now sit, dammit.

Sorry, Dave.

I have a soft spot for virgins.

'Cause they're such a challenge.

Religion can be cool.

In fact, Jesus was a lot like another famous rebel.

Fonzie.

But where Fonzie says, "Ay,"

Jesus says, "Ay-men."

But, Dave, could Jesus start a jukebox just by hitting it?

He could, but Jesus doesn't like to hit anything.

Did he ever waterski over a shark?

Okay, does anyone have a question about the Bible?

I do.

Do you have your own place?

Hey, you know what?

How 'bout we stop talking and we start singing songs? j& Jesus is just all right with me j& Jesus is just all right With me Everyone! j& Jesus Is just all right With me Us! j& Jesus is just all right Oh yeah j& Jesus is just all right With me j& Jesus is just all right With me j&

Okay, let's take a look at your pictures.

Kitty, what do you see when you think of God?

Oh, that's nice.

Very lifelike.

See, he's, um, looking down fondly on all of us going to church.

Steven?

Very good.

I see. When you think of God, you see Jesus.

No, man. It's Clapton.

Oh, my God, man.

I drew Clapton, too.

Okay, cool.

Laurie?

I drew a special picture just for you.

Look at it later, when you're alone.

I got a pair of 10s.

Or as we say in religious rummy, a pair of apostles.

Ooh, um, I have a jack, a queen, and a king.

You mean a Joseph, a Mary, and a Jesus.

Wow! That's gonna be hard to beat.

That's so true, Kitty.

Let's see what Laurie's got.

Six...

Six...

Six.

Well, thank you all for the lovely evening.

I'll see you at the church.

Oh, Michael.

Oh, Michael!

Mom!

Eric, Laurie, get ready for church.

Wait a second. I thought you said it was our choice.

Well, when you choose to go, it'll be your choice.

Coming on to the youth minister? You need church.

Mom, why are you doing this?

I don't have to have a reason.

It's right, I'm your mother, now move.

But it's not fair.

I mean, why do we have to go to church?

I mean...

Dad doesn't go.

Aha!

Aha, aha, aha, aha!

Come on, everybody, the Formans are going to church!

You had to throw me under the bus with you, didn't ya?

Well, nice going, Eric.

Yeah. Nice going.

Now I have to put on a bra.

God hates me.

j& Oh, dear lord j& Three things I pray j& Pray A! j& To see thee more clearly j& To see thee more B! j& Love thee more nearly C! j& Follow thee more nearly j& Day by day j& Day by day j& Day By Day j& Day by day j& Day By Day j& Day by, day by, day by day j& Day by, day by, day by day j& Day by day j&